Loving Your Lies (33 page)

“I had no choice.” Self-reproach pealed in
Julian’s tone.

“You did the right thing,” my mother said,
farther away than him.

“Then why does it feel so wrong to push her
away every time she brings it up?” And with
she
he meant me,
right? Ooh, it seemed I’d jumped in at the perfect moment.

“Julian.” Charlene paused, maybe for a sigh.
“I know how you feel about Jona. But you of all people must
understand that there is no chance for a future together.”

Wait. Who was talking about a future
together? Was that what Julian aimed at? My insides warmed. I
leaned back against the wall.

“She’s suffered so much already,” my mother
continued. “And now…don’t look at me like that. I’m well aware that
most of it was my fault. But don’t you see that you’ll break her if
you bind her? You know you cannot stay.”

I didn’t have the slightest clue where he
might have to go, but it squeezed my heart to think of not being
able to see Julian every day. Why did she think he couldn’t stay in
France?

“Maybe I can.”

“What do you mean
you
can
?”

“I mean, there is a way. But she’s not ready
to accept it yet. It’ll take time to make her understand.” Julian’s
voice changed from low to loud in short intervals as his footsteps
approached the door then faded away.

“Is that why you’re reluctant to help me all
of a sudden? Are you playing for time?”

A hard thud on the door made me jump. Julian
must have slumped with his back against it. His voice was extremely
close, too, when he said, “Is that so wrong? What are a few more
days? A couple more weeks.”

What kind of game was he playing? I didn’t
understand what he expected to happen in that time. And most of
all, I didn’t understand why my mother needed him to help her.

“Would you please look at me, Julian? My
time is up. It’s been up for a while now. You can’t keep this
charade going forever. As much as I wish it was different, as much
as I long to watch Jona becoming a grown woman, I feel I have to
go.”

She was dying. I heard the resolution in her
tone.

Hands clapped over my mouth and nose, I
struggled to breathe. My mother expected her death. She faced it so
calmly. Why in the world would this shock me now, after hating this
woman for most of my life? My chest shouldn’t be aching the way it
did.

And then there was the part Julian played in
this game. Was he the one responsible for her still being alive
when she knew better? My heart and throat constricted with fright.
I couldn’t stop the cold shiver running over my body.

“And my daughter must be happy again. If you
refuse to leave her alone, I’ll put a stop to it. I won’t let you
carry on with your care for me.”

“You asked for help, Charlene. And here I
am. Now do not interfere with my plans.”

“Your interest has changed. That revokes my
deal with your boss.” My mother’s voice toned down a notch, growing
almost humble. “Does he know about your plans anyway?”

Julian’s exhausted laugh grew fainter as he
walked away from the door. “Do you honestly think there is one tiny
thing in this world he doesn’t know about? In fact, I had no idea
there was a possibility for me to stay until he told me a short
while ago.”

“But this is wrong,” Charlene exclaimed.
“You don’t belong here.”

“Love can never be wrong. And this is what
both of you have to learn.”

The intense serenity of Julian’s lecture and
the softness of his tone invaded me like hot chocolate running down
my throat on a cold winter’s day.

“Love can be wrong, if it’s going to be
taken away in the end.” My mother spoke in a suppressed way, yet
the anger and frustration was clearly audible. “I want the best for
Jona. And if this means I have to die without finding forgiveness
first, then I’ll pay this price.”

Swallowing hard, I tried to recap. They had
a deal. With me as their focus. And Julian kept my mother alive
against nature.

Oh. My. God
.
Realization
struck me. He was an alien. With powers beyond belief.

Panic surged though me, climaxing in a
mental scream. All the new information swimming in my head made my
brain spin like a mad carousel. Stumbling sideways then backward, I
staggered through the hallway, trying to get a hold of something
solid. Of myself. The screeching in my mind got more intense as I
trembled.

“Seems like you get what you want,” Julian’s
resolute statement drifted through the door. “Your daughter is
outside. I suppose she’s been listening all along.”

How would he know? I hadn’t made a sound,
other than my breaths and they wouldn’t return with the hysteria
screaming in my mind.

I jerked around just in time to see him
coming out of the room. A dim shine of light fell onto the tiles in
the hallway. Behind Julian, on the far end, Charlene sat on her
bed, wrapped into a green bathrobe, her gaze one of horror. But
Julian closed the door fast and cut her off from my view.

Darkness swallowed the hallway once more.
But this time an alien was with me.

He stared at me for the length of a breath,
maybe giving me time to make an escape. But when I gazed at his
blue eyes that even sparkled in the dark, there was no chance to
run away. In fact, there was only one direction I could move.
Toward him.

It was like getting hooked by a fishing rod
and being reeled in. Mentally, I fought against the urge, but my
body wouldn’t obey. The most I could do was to stay where I
was.

And then he came for me.

Even though his demanding stride scared me,
I stood rooted until he grabbed my hand. He pulled me with him,
upstairs. The alien found his way easily in the dark.

To my very surprise, Julian led me into my
room, but didn’t stop when the door shut behind us. Without
pausing, he proceeded to the balcony.

“Julian, wait. Don’t—” My plea recoiled off
his back. His hand curled tighter around my good, one and I stood
no chance against his pull.

A cool wind brushed my face. The night sky
was illuminated with a million stars and a harvest moon hanging
low. Julian stopped and turned. He closed the little space between
us and gazed into my eyes, cupped my face, and pressed his lips to
mine.

Together with time, my heart stopped. For an
infinite moment, Julian and I melted into each other. His kiss was
fierce and demanding, and still, I had yet to come across something
equally tender and soft in my life. It felt as if he’d poured his
very soul into this kiss.

And my heart opened for him to enter
fully.

I didn’t know how long we stood entangled
like this. But when he pulled back, the pain of being ripped apart
soared through me. I yearned to stay with him as one being.
Forever.

“I love you, Jona,” he whispered with no one
but me and the stars to hear.

And deep inside me, I felt I loved him, too,
no matter who or what he was. I was devoted to this man with my
mind, body, and soul. But I’ve never said those words to anyone
before. And however long he waited on my reply, the words wouldn’t
come through my dry and tight throat.

With a long sigh, Julian closed his eyes and
touched his lips to mine for another tender moment. Then he stepped
back, turned, and walked across the balcony toward his room. A
heavy burden seemed to press on his shoulders, urging me to run
after him. Or to call him back at least. But tongue-tied and
frozen, I watched him disappear through the floating curtains.

25

SHE WIPED THEM ALL OFF THE
TABLE

“
SEVENTY-SIX BOTTLES of wine in the box.
Seventy-six bottles of wine. Take one out and dip it into water,
seventy-five bottles of wine in the box…”
I sang.

Warm water ran from the faucet in the
kitchen sink. For the past couple of hours I had performed the
monotonous task of rinsing one empty bottle after the other. This
annoying song had crept to my mind, and I couldn’t get it out but
kept singing under my breath.

I turned the bottles up-side-down on a wide
towel spread on the table where they could dry.

Because of my injured left hand, which still
felt just fine, Marie had forbidden me to go out with them to work
in the field today. Afraid the dirt could make my wound worse, she
gave me an easy task to fill the boring morning hours. Rinsing a
stack of bottles, that Albert had retrieved from the cellar.

They were covered with more dust than
Captain Blackbeard’s rum bottle. I took care to grab each with only
two fingers when picking them out of the box. Soon they’d be
refilled with new wine from this season’s crop.

About forty more waited in the box, but my
bursting bladder urged me to rush upstairs. I didn’t stop to turn
when the door to my mother’s room opened and she popped her head
out.

“Julian, is that you?” she asked
hoarsely.

“No!” I shouted down, then slammed the door
to my room shut and went into the bathroom.

What did she need that alien for today? Did
she want to discuss matters concerning me again? If she wanted to
talk to him, she would have to wait until he came back or take a
stroll out to the vinery. I sure as hell wasn’t going to get him
for her. Not after he’d left the house without a glance at me this
morning.

A few minutes later, I was on my way
downstairs again but whirled about once more. Leaning over the sink
and rinsing the bottles had drenched my T-shirt. The fabric stuck
to my skin and irritated me, so I went back and changed my
clothes.

Downstairs, a door opened, and my mother’s
panicked voice echoed in the house. “Marie?”

“Oh, give it a break. You know she’s not
here,” I muttered to myself. Buttoning my fresh shirt, I went out
into the hallway and leaned over the banister. “Marie’s out!
Everyone is!”

I cringed at the shrieking sound of glass
breaking. If Charlene had dumped the bottles in the kitchen, I’d
make her clean up the mess by herself.

A wave of anger washed over me as I stormed
down the winding staircase then strode toward the kitchen. The
first thing that came into view was a sea of countless green shards
spread all over the floor.

“Shit, what have you done?” Glass crunched
under the soles of my boots as I entered. But at first sight, my
mother wasn’t around. Maybe Lou-Lou had come in and—

My gaze fell on a limp body on the floor.
Covered with fragments of glass and blood. My heart stopped. I spun
on the spot, cut a glance at the door and then back at Charlene. I
dragged a clawed hand through my hair and pressed the other over my
mouth. An eerie silence numbed my ears. What in the world was I to
do now?

Get back to your room.

Close the door.

Pretend nothing has happened.

I could ignore her. Wait until the rest of
my family came home. Julian would know what to do. He’d coddle her
up as always. His regular check on her was overdue, anyway.

Seconds ticked away, and hysteria gripped me
around the throat. Where was he?

And what if he didn’t come?

This is it. She’s dead. It’s over. You can
breathe.

With the first long breath, tears sprang to
my eyes. Figuring out how to work my mind and tongue to function
together was hard. I had her name in my head and wanted to speak it
out loud, to get a reaction from her. But when I opened my mouth I
couldn’t produce any real sound other than a hoarse croak.

The passing moments seemed like an eternity
as I stared at the lifeless body in front of me. It was like I’d be
staring into an open grave at the cemetery. My skin went ice cold.
I hated Marie for bringing me there yesterday.

‘
Do you really want her to die with a
broken heart
?’

I shot around to see who’d said this. No one
stood behind me. Then I realized it was Julian’s words ringing in
my ears. And suddenly, the first memory from my early childhood
flashed in my mind. I remembered happy moments in my mother’s arms
when she hugged and loved me, twirled me around in the kitchen when
her violent boyfriend was out, and it was only the two of us in the
flat.

I remembered chocolate fudge cakes. A
lullaby and goodnight kisses. Even the red velvet dress she had
sewn for my first day in nursery school surfaced in my mind. It had
taken a whole long week of my pleading until she had bought me the
matching red patent-leather shoes.

This woman was my mum.

She was the one who gave me life. A good
deal of it might have been miserable, but she’d tried to make up
for it by bringing me to Marie’s wonderful place with people around
who seemed to love me for no other reason than that I belonged in
their family. And I loved them in return.

I didn’t want her to die. Or to suffer from
cancer and be in so much pain. And most of all, I didn’t want to
feel angry at her any longer. All I wished for right now was peace
for me and for this woman who I’d loved unconditionally so many
years ago.

Dragging my boots through the shards, I
stumbled to her side.

“Charlene?” My voice broke and I tried
again. “Charlene! Can you hear me? Mum?”

I skimmed the hair off her face. An acrid
smell wafting toward me made me wince. There were traces of vomit
around her mouth, stains on her shirt. Two scarlet streams of blood
ran from her nose over her top lip, and angled to the left,
dripping to the floor. Punctual cuts dotted her face and hands.

Carefully, I wiped off all the tiny pieces
of glass then pressed my palm to her cheek. She was hot. But at
least her chest lifted slowly with steady breaths. I took her face
in my hands and said once more, “Mum? Look at me. If you can hear
me, please say something.”

She was silent.