Loving Your Lies (38 page)

From the wall, I picked one of the dueling
guns. The right one. The one Albert had told me was still loaded. I
wasn’t sure what this medieval weapon was loaded with. A bullet,
lead shot, whatever. It should suffice to kill me if shot into my
head.

Walking slowly around the desk to stand in
front of the window, I wondered if I should have written a letter
of farewell after all. One to Marie and Albert, who came so close
to being like parents in the past couple weeks. And one to my
mother to tell her I’d tried to take her place, but wasn’t allowed.
A letter to Julian wouldn’t be necessary. He’d know why I did it.
And he could tell me off for it once we reunited after death. In
Heaven.

I took a long, deep breath, steeling my
nerves. Then I lifted the gun to my right temple.

“
Jona, don’t!”

The shock of Julian’s voice behind me almost
made me release the shot that instant. My already tense body now
prickled with the addition of his presence.

I turned around. “Go away.”

Julian didn’t budge an inch.

I didn’t lower the gun, but raked the hammer
back, determined to go through with it, whether he watched or
not.

His hands were fisted at his sides, but he
remained in the doorway. He probably feared to rush me, if he came
closer. “What do you want to achieve with it?”

“If I can’t take my mum’s place, then I will
go with the both of you.” My voice had an unnaturally calm note
that surprised me at the edge of death.

“Please, put it away.” With lowered palms,
he gestured for me to set the gun down.

“No.” I gave a desperate laugh. “No, you
can’t leave me here all alone. You can’t just walk out of my life
tonight or tomorrow and think I’ll take it just like that.” I
snapped the fingers of my free hand on the last word. “You can’t! I
won’t let you. I want to come with you. And if this is the only
way, then it’s fine with me.” If the mouth of the pistol had
lowered while I said it, I pressed it back into place. “I’m not
going to let go of you.”

“Jona, will you please put the gun down.
This is no option. Suicide never is.”

He didn’t understand me. To me, this had
nothing to do with suicide in the common way. I didn’t want to end
a lousy life. If that was my wish, I’d have done so a long time
ago. This was about him. And about being with him. In the
afterlife.

I love you,
I thought so hard I hoped
he would understand.

“If you kill yourself, Heaven will be denied
to you. You’ll go to a different place, worse than anything you’ve
ever known.” The fear entering his face seemed real. “There’s no
way for me to follow. Now put it down, in Heaven’s name.
Please!”

I hesitated. Suddenly, I felt completely
insecure. What if he was right? What if I got this wrong, and he
wouldn’t be there, at the other side? And then a much worse thought
haunted me. What if he didn’t want to have me on the other side at
all? He seemed fine with the way things turned out. He didn’t fight
it, like I did. What kept him from doing so? As an angel, he must
have means and ways. But he just waited patiently until all was
over. Until he could return to his sunshiny place with no thought
of me, or how much he’d hurt me the day he left.

The day he would take my mother with him
instead of me.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. My
hand slowly sagged down, and I shook my head in utter despair.

Julian must have thought he’d broken through
to me and talked me off my plan. He started forward, but at his
first move, I raised both my hands with the gun clasped. This time
I pointed it right at the center of his chest, already firing an
invisible blast of anger and frustration at him.

“Fine,” I whispered. “If you don’t want to
take me with you, then you won’t take my mum either. Go to hell,
Julian.”

For the count of a heartbeat, Julian seemed
more hurt by my words than being hit by a bullet. But he gathered
himself quickly. “I don’t do business on that end. You can shoot me
if you want. It won’t help you a bit. And after today even you
should know the bullet would never be fast enough to hit me.”

He took a step forward, a bit uncertain it
seemed. He didn’t yet trust me that I wouldn’t shoot after all. And
a good thing he didn’t, too. Because I had every intention to stop
him from coming.

“Stay where you are.” The gun and my glare
were still pointed at him directly. My finger trembled on the
trigger.

But I didn’t shoot at his next step. Or the
next.

When he finally skirted the desk, our gazes
locked at all times, I tracked his every step with the gun’s mouth.
The final blow never came.

We stood face to face for the length of a
breath. Then he slowly reached for the weapon. “Give it to me.”

I had run out of options. Realizing I
couldn’t shoot either me or him, there was only one possible way to
get where I wanted. Take one step forward and proceed into his arms
where I yearned to be.

Eventually, I surrendered and let go of the
gun. Julian placed it on the desk, never taking his eyes off me. He
closed the remaining distance between us with one last step and
took me in his arms. I shoved my hands up his chest and locked them
around the back of his neck in a clinging embrace, burying my face
in his shoulder. Longing captured us both.

Julian rested his chin on the top of my head
and hugged me tighter.

“Love you,” he whispered, but I couldn’t
tell if I really heard it, or if the sound of it only played out in
my mind.

I wished I could tell him the same, just
once, so he’d know before he’d disappear forever. But sobs rocked
me in his arms, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak. Never before
had I felt this helpless.

*

The darkness in Julian’s room matched the
grief inside me. My cheek pillowed against his chest, the
tear-soaked cotton of his shirt stuck to my skin. Aftermath chills
of what had happened in my uncle’s study raced through my body. But
warmth emanating from the angel I embraced soothed my nerves on the
edge of breaking.

His arms wrapped around me. I closed my
eyes, trying to find some peace before I paid my mother another
visit. Maybe the last one.

At Julian’s slightest stir underneath me, I
jerked upward, wide awake. “Mum?” I glanced around the room.
Daylight had swapped the darkness in the room already.

Julian brushed tender fingers over my
forehead and cheek. He pressed a kiss on my brow. To see his calm
and beautiful face helped me catch my breath. “Everything’s all
right. Your aunt is just a little worried because your mother’s
still asleep. I can sense her fear. I better go down and let
Charlene wake up.”

The lump in my throat eased with a swallow.
I sat on my legs. “Okay, I’ll just pop to the bathroom and then
come down with you.”

His lips pressed together and his brows
pulled to a frown. He gave me the impression he was about to
contradict.

“Don’t you dare leave me behind!” I held his
gaze for the length of a breath, eyes narrowed.

“I better not let you out of sight, anyway.
Who can say what reckless idea you’d come up with next?” A sense of
honesty shadowed his taunting me.

He waited while I used the bathroom. Cold
water revived my tired eyes. My hand in his, we headed downstairs.
Marie’s anxious whisper to Albert in the hallway drifted to us and
set off a shiver in my neck.

“Something wrong?” Julian said as we
approached them. His perfectly innocent tone gave me more
chills.

“It is Charlene. She did not wake up this
morning when I walked into her room to help her get dressed. She
looks like she is asleep, but what if she fell into a coma?” My
aunt sounded close to cracking as she clasped her hands together.
Fear flashed clearly in her eyes. “I was just saying to Albert that
we better call an ambulance.”

Julian stepped toward her and touched his
hand to her forearm. “Jona and I kept her awake long last night.
She’s probably just exhausted. Let her rest for a few more minutes.
I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

I was already heading into my mother’s room,
but even with my back to him, I felt the lie in his words. She
wasn’t going to be fine. Today might be her last. Maybe someone
should tell Marie. She would want to say her goodbyes to her
sister, too.

But how to break the news?
Sorry Marie,
but you know Julian—the angel—was taking care of my mother while I
was still furious with her. Now, that everything is fine between
us, God is going to collect her soul.
Not quite the words
someone would like to hear when they were expecting
Good
morning, did you sleep well?

My mum lay on her side, facing the door when
I entered. Although her eyes remained motionless behind closed
lids, her breathing seemed steady enough for someone sleeping.
Not dead.
Yet a hint of uncertainty stopped me in the middle
of the room. Regarding her for a long moment, the aching in my
chest welled, and my breathing hitched to staccato sighs.

Gentle hands wrapped around my shoulders.
“You can wake her. She’ll hear you,” Julian said into my ear.

Dragging a deep breath, I crossed to her bed
and settled down. My first touch of her arm coaxed out her
moan.

My mother rolled to her back, her lids
slowly opening. “Good morning, sunshine.”

I clapped a hand over my mouth, trying to
strangle the tears burning to the surface. There was nothing good
about this morning. My mum was going to leave me. Again. Without a
word, I collapsed beside her and let the pain come out in hard
sobs.

She scooted backward to lean on the
headboard, dragging me with her. Then she hugged me so tightly I
could hardly believe she’d have the strength for it. “Don’t cry, my
baby. Everything will be good—you’ll see. I’ve lived my life and
found a happy ending with you. I’m not grieving.”

She sounded bright and sober-minded. Neither
fear nor sorrow rang in her words. “And I don’t want you to be sad
either. You’re young and have a good life to live. Promise me
you’ll stay with Marie and Albert. They can be the parents you
always wished for.”

“I never wished for anything but for you to
come back. How can I not be sad when
He
’s going to take you
away from me?” The words ripped from my clamped chest as if they
tore my throat bloody. This time not even Julian’s loving hand on
my neck could soothe me.

“
Mon Dieu
, what happened?” My aunt
whirled into the room as though she’d expected the worst, her face
horror-stricken. At the sight of my mother sitting upright Marie’s
gaze lit up. She presses a hand to her chest, breathing a sigh of
relief. “
Dieu merci!
You are awake. I was so worried this
morning when you kept sleeping though I shook you.”

She lowered next to me on the mattress and
skimmed her fingers through my hair. “But why are you crying,
chérie
?”

The bile rushing up my throat kept me from
answering. Marie turned her head toward Julian when he planted his
hand on her shoulder and urged her with a flick of his head to
follow him outside. “Can I have a word with you?”

Confusion creased her forehead.
“
Bien súr
.”
Her movements when she rose from
my mother’s bed were reluctant, as if she already sensed Julian had
bad news.

As the door clicked closed, I sank deeper
into my mum’s embrace.

It didn’t take Julian long to return with a
sobbing Marie in tow. One look between the sisters seemed enough to
confirm what Julian must have told her. My aunt knelt next to the
bed and grabbed my mother’s hand. She kissed her palm and squeezed
it. “You should have told me sooner.”

I caught my mother’s questioning glance
moving to Julian. He cleared his throat. “I told her what the
doctor said on Saturday. That you might not recover from the
cold.”

Wondering whether the doctor had really said
this, or if Julian only made this up to cover the truth, I rose
from the bed and crossed to him on slow steps. He wrapped his arm
around my shoulders and pressed me tenderly against him.

“It would be unfair to your aunt not to give
her a chance to say goodbye to her sister,” he whispered. “She
doesn’t have to know everything, just this much.”

I agreed silently. His calming scent
comforted me.

While Marie and also her husband talked to
my mum, encouraging her that everything was going to be fine and
the doctor must have been mistaken, Julian ushered me into the
kitchen to have breakfast. But apart from a few sips of tea,
nothing would go down. My stomach churned.

With the warm cups in our hands, we just
stared at each other across the table. Neither said a word. It was
a hard fight against the tears wanting to spill over. But I
remained strong. And so did Julian. His blank face revealed
nothing, but his heavy sighs cut the silence. He rubbed his hands
over his face, then reached for my hand and brought it to his lips.
Warm breaths coming through his nose caressed my fingers.

“Will you remember me?” I said with a hardly
audible whisper.

Julian’s eyes switched to mine, but instead
of answering, he furrowed his brows in a puzzled way.

I forced a hard swallow before I could speak
again. “You said you will make me forget everything about you. So I
wondered if you would remember me once you’ve returned to
Heaven.”

Julian coughed. His throat must have hurt
him as much as mine did. “Of course, I will remember you. I’ll
treasure our moments together. Forever.”

Each breath I took filled my chest with
rocks. They tormented me. A small part of me anticipated the time
when I would forget, for the pain wouldn’t be so excruciating
anymore. But it was easy to silence and bury that part under more
heavy stones.