Staring up at the ceiling with his hands on his hips, Jake took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. Since they’d first met, Jake had lied to himself repeatedly, telling himself that he and Levi were nothing more than a flirtation—that what he was feeling wasn’t real.
He now completely understood and had finally accepted that his feelings for Levi ran far deeper than he’d allowed himself to previously believe. They were inconvenient, those feelings, but they weren’t disingenuous. It had taken him weeks to come to that conclusion, but now that he had made the unfortunate error of verbalizing them to Levi, to continually avoid having a discussion with Victor was horrible on his part. He just hadn’t managed to build up enough courage to instigate a confrontation. He knew he was going to hurt Victor, and the knowledge that splitting was the right thing to do, didn’t make doing it any easier. They had a history which made walking away more difficult. In spite of the fact they had grown apart over the last few years, Jake still loved Victor.
But he ached for Levi. There was no denying it anymore. His feelings for Levi were beginning to consume him, to the extent Jake was unable to focus on anything else.
He tossed his bag onto the bed before heading toward the open door which connected his room to Julia and Gregory’s suite. He could hear Victor and his sister’s voices and he paused just inside the room when he heard his name.
“I wish you’d convince your brother to stop with this whole paramedic business.” He heard Victor say. “Speeding around in traffic and racing all over town to help God knows what sort of individual—it’s dangerous. Last week he came home reeking of alcohol from some homeless person he’d been called out to resuscitate.”
Jake took another step closer to the doorway, able to catch Vic’s reflection in the mirror that hung over the fireplace.
“That’s what makes my baby brother the kind of man he is, Victor,” Julia said. “He’s out there—helping people, making a difference.”
“Yes, but there are other ways of doing that.” Victor sucked down the rest of his cocktail. “I’d be willing to set up any sort of charitable organization he wanted if only Jake would agree to run it. He can still make a difference…while being a CEO.”
Jake rolled his eyes, so sick of hearing Victor whining about this CEO nonsense.
“If you would just have a talk with him, Julia,” Victor added. “Maybe nudge him in the right direction?”
“I’ll do no such thing,” Julia said, coming into view through the reflection of the mirror as she walked up to Victor. “Not that it would do any good if I did try.”
“Love the dress, old girl,” Jake muttered, standing on his tip-toes trying to get a better view.
“I see right through you,” Julia continued, “admittedly because we’re alike, you and I. Spoiled, selfish and happy to help those less fortunate than we are from a safe distance. My brother loves both of us, in spite of ourselves, but he isn’t a sidelines type of guy. Jake is a hands-on, down-and-dirty, crawling-into-the-muck, kind of man.”
She held up her hand when Victor started to interrupt her.
“You and I may not understand that quality in him, but I love my brother for it. So stop trying to change him. If you can’t love and support him for who he is, then let him go so he can find someone who will, because the last thing Jake needs, after speeding all over town, helping save lives, is coming home to someone who makes him feel bad for doing what fulfils him and gives him purpose.”
Victor looked stunned and slightly pink in the face. “Wha—I… I have never done that!”
“If you actually believe that, then I’ve lost any and all respect for you. I can put up with a lot, but people who try to either hide from or are simply incapable of accepting responsibility for their own shortcomings aren’t one of them. Stop being an asshole, you little hypocrite. I know you love him, Victor, so don’t mistake what I’m about to say as me being unaware of that fact. That being said, you need to tell Jake what you want, ask him what he wants, and if those two things don’t match up and you aren’t able to live with that fact, you need to walk away.”
They each stood there, looking at one another for several moments.
Jake finally rounded the corner and they each jumped, startled by the sight of him.
“Hi kids,” Jake said sarcastically.
“Well, this isn’t at all awkward,” Julia said, cringing slightly. “I’m guessing you overheard most of that?”
Jake smiled coolly and she nodded glancing sideways at Victor who was staring down at his empty glass, frowning.
“So… what do you think of the dress?” Julia asked, obviously hoping to change the subject. Her face squished up, looking at Jake. “Not the right time, I see that now.”
Jake watched as Victor went back to the bar and made himself another drink.
“Why do I get the feeling I’m about to be ejected from my own hotel room?” Julia asked to no one in particular.
Victor sighed, shaking his head like he didn’t want that.
“Would you mind giving us a minute, Julia?” Jake asked quietly.
Julia glanced between the two of them then rolled her eyes. “I do, but we won’t let that fact interfere here. I will sequester myself back in the bedroom where Natalie is awaiting the arrival of the seamstress.”
“Thanks,” Jake said, watching Julia retreat into the bedroom, pulling the double doors closed behind her.
Victor quietly took a seat on the upholstered accent chair. “You know that I love you, you have to know that.”
“I do, Vic, and I love you.” Jake stood there for a moment, shifting his weight back and forth from one foot to the other. “Just can’t seem to keep myself from wondering whether or not that’s enough anymore. Is it enough for you?”
Victor sighed and Jake couldn’t help but feel he’d inadvertently backed Victor into a corner without allowing the man time to form any sort of an exit strategy.
“I suppose not.” Victor took a sip from his glass. “But I never meant to make you feel unappreciated or unworthy. I don’t understand why you feel the need to do what you do, but I never thought less of you for it.”
“I know you never meant to, but I was always aware that it was a ‘love me in spite of’ kinda thing with you and me.”
“You looking past my occasional bout of arrogance and snobbery.”
“You looking past my need to run around playing super hero,” Jake added.
“So we’re going to each go off and find someone we don’t have to overlook things in order to be with, I guess?”
Jake nodded. “As unbelievable as it seems at this moment, it looks that way.”
“Though I get the feeling you won’t need to look very far, huh?”
“Victor—”
“It’s okay, Jake.” Victor cleared his throat. “I mean it’s not okay, but I get it.”
“It wasn’t planned. I wasn’t out there looking for anything—”
“Sure, sure,” he said quietly, finally meeting Jake’s gaze. “I know you’ve never cheated on me and you certainly had a right to—looking the other way after I fucked things up.”
“That’s not who I am,” Jake said, “though I’d be lying if I said the thought had never occurred to me.”
“It’s funny, really, I was so terrified you’d leave me after I told you I’d slipped up and cheated, and for a while I was so relieved when you didn’t, that I never looked beyond it. As time went by, however, it started to bother me—the fact you forgave me so easily—like maybe you didn’t really love me very much.”
“It killed me that you cheated on me, don’t think for one minute that didn’t wreck me.”
“No sense reopening old wounds,” Victor said, still seeming unconvinced. “Either way, I’ve been aware that something was going on between you and someone. Didn’t know who that someone was until we ran into Levi and Angelo a few weeks back. The look on your face, seeing the two of them together? Your entire body reacted. Pretty sure I realized we were over then, I just didn’t want to accept it.”
Jake sighed, wishing things hadn’t gone down this way and hating himself for falling in love with Levi, all the while understanding he’d had no control over any of it—this thing with Levi had come over him like a virus. It wasn’t fair or convenient, it just…
was
.
“It’s happened none the less,” Victor said, snapping Jake out his own thoughts. “It still hurts, and while I can’t completely lie and say that part of me hopes he’ll make you completely miserable, the other part of me—the better part—wants you to be happy.”
Jake walked over to the bar, deciding he could use a quick shot to settle his own nerves at this point. Plus he needed a break from the pain he could see there on Victor’s face.
“It’s easy to focus blame onto Levi,” Jake said, “I certainly understand the instinct, Vic, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, meeting Levi merely placed a magnifying glass over our relationship—had he not come along—”
“You and I weren’t going to make it too much longer,” Victor interrupted. “I’m well aware of that, Jake.”
Jake walked around the coffee table and took a seat on the sofa. “We’ve been drifting apart for a while.”
“Can’t really argue with you on that, in spite of the fact it goes against my very nature not to fight for a way to fix us.”
Jake smiled, quietly laughing. “It’s what you do.”
“Unfortunately, people aren’t corporations. I can’t recommend we dissolve particular aspects of our personalities in order to ensure a successful merger moving forward.”
“Doesn’t lessen the fact we had a lot of good years together.”
“Silver lining,” Victor said, his expression looking a little soured as he sucked down the rest of his cocktail. “We won’t have to waste any more time trying to be something we aren’t for one another.”
Jake sighed, unable to keep himself from feeling like the bad guy while being aware that Victor was playing on that. “That’s not fair.”
“No, perhaps not,” Victor said, looking deflated. “But it makes me feel better.”
Jake sat there, frozen in place on the sofa, unable to force himself to move.
Victor finally stood. “I’m going to go, then.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Yeah, I do.” Victor placed his glass on the coffee table. “Give me a call tomorrow or the first of next week—we’ll pick a time for you to come by and pack up your things.”
Jake stood, uncomfortable all of a sudden at the thought Victor might no longer be a part of his life. “We don’t need to do the whole cut off all ties kind of thing.”
Confused by the conflicting feelings he had, loving two men at the same time, even while understanding they were different kinds of love, it all still hurt. His feelings for Levi had been torturing Jake for weeks and now he had to carry around the disappointment he’d created with Victor.
“I think we do, at least for a while, Jake. Maybe down the road perhaps, but I don’t want to see you with him. Even knowing and accepting that we aren’t right for one another any longer, I don’t want to see that—can’t really.”
Jake nodded, understanding and respecting that fact as he couldn’t imagine being okay with any of this if the roles were reversed.
He wanted to tell Victor that he had no clue if Levi would even want him anymore at this point after making a declaration that he had no business making at the time. That doing so had likely ruined their friendship and any and all respect Levi might have once had for Jake. But telling Victor that now would only make him feel worse, hearing that Jake had done something like that behind his back, without having first had this discussion with him.
Jake kept his mouth shut as Victor quietly crossed the room, slipping into the attached bedroom. He slowly sat back down onto the sofa, realizing he hadn’t intended to have this talk with Victor right now. Had he not overheard that conversation between Victor and Julia, he certainly wouldn’t have done it now, but Jake was relieved on some level that it had happened.
He turned, hearing the door shutting from his hotel room, signifying that Victor had left. Victor was gone, out of his life, at least for the foreseeable future.
“So you’ll come stay with Greg and me for a while, baby brother,” Julia said, her head peeking around one of the doors. “I’d come hug you but I’m half naked.”
Jake forced a smile, nodding that he understood.
“Didn’t mean to eavesdrop either, but…” She cringed and then grinned, looking like a little vixen. “The doors are surprisingly thin for a hotel constructed back in the thirties.”
He burst out laughing, somehow knowing she wasn’t the least bit sorry for listening in.
“Say you’ll stay with me so I can selfishly get back to thinking about myself,” Julia demanded, winking at him just in case he needed to know she wasn’t a complete bitch. “It’ll be like when we were kids again.”
He nodded that he would, smiling at her, able to see it on her face, she was worried about him.
“So you’re in love with Levi, huh?” she asked, appearing to be conflicted in some way. “Can’t really pretend that’s a shocking revelation.”
“That a problem for you?” Jake asked.
“Not really, no,” she said, chewing on her bottom lip momentarily. “But I’ll be really upset if you mess things up and I lose my brand new party planner—and potential new bestie.”