“Levi Goode and… Jake Freeman?” Dan said, looking visibly confused over the fact they were together.
Reminding himself that he didn’t actually love Dan anymore never seemed to make the spoonful of betrayal-medicine go down any easier, either—much to Levi’s dismay.
“Hello, Dan,” Jake said, the tone in his voice sounding less than enthused.
“Here’s the man we should be thanking, honey,” Dan said, placing a hand on Levi’s shoulder while simultaneously laying a disgusting, open-mouthed kiss on Kevin.
The smarmy kiss elicited cheers from the mob of friends who were now surrounding Levi and Jake at the bar.
Levi began to feel himself perspire, trapped and slightly claustrophobic with the wall of people, who currently made any attempt at escaping, futile.
Dan let go of Kevin, then grabbed Levi, planting a
thankfully
, non-open-mouthed kiss on his lips. Dan was visibly lit, eyes glinting as he pulled away, grabbing Levi’s wrist and lifting his arm into the air like he’d just been declared the victor in a prize fight.
“Three cheers for the man who single-handedly saved my bacon!” Dan yelled, creating even more of a nuisance of himself.
Mortified when everyone in Dan’s party actually gave him a three-cheer shout out, Levi glanced over at Jake apologetically. Seeing that he appeared to be amused by the humiliating ruckus Dan was making made Levi want to slap the smirk right off Jake’s face. Even David, who had been Levi’s one-true bestie out of all of Dan’s friends, was doing nothing to discourage this train wreck.
“We all know how much you treasure your meat,” Levi said, flatly.
Dan started laughing hysterically, even hunching over and placing his hands on his knees for a moment. “So funny… Levi, fuck…”
Not exactly the response Levi had been hoping for, deciding he needed to work on his delivery.
“I miss that about you, babe,” Dan said, finally settling down.
Levi was praying it was the funny part he missed and not the fuck-part.
Dan turned to Kevin. “Levi has made it possible for me to propose to the man I love, my Kevin.”
Levi could feel his entire body stiffen, hearing that.
“You marvelous man,” Dan continued, smacking Levi heartily on the back.
He couldn’t think of a single thing he’d ever done or said that would’ve given Dan the impression he should marry Blank-Slate-Betty, the boy toy. Judging by the annoyed expression on Kevin’s face, he didn’t think Levi deserved any of the credit either.
“All the attention you brought down to the docklands with the Cancer Gala has injected new life into the real estate market for the area,” David clarified, able to see Dan was likely never going to get to the point without some assistance.
“Yes!” Dan said. “We’ve had loads of offers coming in over the past month, Levi. You’re a god among men!”
“We’re also taking a cue from you with the carnival you brought in for the party by making it a permanent addition to the area starting next summer,” Todd added, tossing an arm around David’s shoulder.
“You’re too brilliant for words,” David said sarcastically, grinning in that same snarky way he used to when Levi had been in on the joke, not the butt of it.
Levi was still grinning, he knew because it was taking all his focused energy to maintain it. He did notice that Jake didn’t appear to find it all that amusing anymore, which made Levi feel a little less crappy.
“Bartender!” Dan bellowed, causing several people in his group to snicker over his level of intoxication.
The fact several of them were also filming all of this on their smart phones meant this humiliating moment would be preserved forever.
The joyful blessings just keep on coming.
“Anything these two want are on me, buddy, you take damn good care of them!” Dan declared, eliciting a nod of acknowledgement from the bartenders working furiously down at the other end of the bar. “Hell yeah! Now I’m gonna go home and fuck my beautiful fiancé!”
More screams erupted from train-wreck-groupies, making Levi wonder if they intended to watch, considering they seemed so aggressively invested.
“Thank you, Levi Goode!” Dan screamed as they all began filing out of the bar and onto the sidewalk.
David and Todd paused as they passed by.
Todd gave his shoulder a squeeze. “The overall property values in the area will go up, Levi, so all the money you invested by purchasing your apartment and storefront are really going to pay off.”
“That’s the silver lining here, in case you missed it,” David said, chuckling as he playfully pinched Levi’s cheek.
Levi nodded blankly as the two of them headed out the door to rejoin the rest of their party. He swiveled around on his stool, turning his back on the bar full of onlookers who were still watching the two of them. Levi could no longer feel anything, which seemed odd, considering he’d unwittingly helped his ex become financially solvent again—making it possible for him to marry someone other than Levi. That was pretty much the definition of adding insult to injury, unless he was mistaken.
“You okay?” Jake asked, taking another long swig off his beer.
“What can I get you guys?” the bartender asked, wiping down the bar in front of them, making sure the area was tidy.
“We should do shots, right?” Levi asked no one in particular. “Yeah… shots seem totally appropriate in this instance.”
Jake had a look on his face that said he wasn’t so sure about the whole shots idea, which Levi decided to ignore when he glanced back up at the bartender. “Two shots of your most expensive tequila, please.”
* * * *
“It’s raining men!” Levi was belting out the song, albeit poorly, as he and Jake shuffled down the sidewalk, creating quite the commotion as people passed by pointing and laughing. “But they’re all married to other men… halleluiah… or getting married to other men… the dirty rat bastards… halleluiah…”
Jake was laughing, his arm wrapped tightly around Levi’s waist because Levi was dirty, stinking, drunk and apparently having some issues remaining consistently vertical. In spite of the circumstances, Levi loved Jake’s hands-on approach. Even through all the liquor, or possibly as a result of, it hadn’t been lost on Levi that this was the most physical contact he’d had with Jake, and he didn’t particularly want that to end.
“Your singing voice is precious,” Jake said, sarcastically, doing his best to keep them moving forward.
“Glass houses, Mr. Screecher-monkey doo-wop, doodie-do,” Levi said, snort-laughing so hard that Jake had to stop in order to keep them both upright. “Hey, I know that store! We’re almost home!”
“Thank God,” Jake muttered, wincing as a squad car zipped by, speeding down the street with its siren blaring.
Levi started scream-singing the theme song from
Cops
and a group of girls started laughing at his loudness as they passed by, walking in the opposite direction.
“You don’t know me!” Levi yelled back at them, causing Jake to shush-laugh as he placed a hand over Levi’s mouth.
“You have got to hold it down, my God.” Jake shook his head, his lip pooching out seeing Levi’s expression fade from anger to sadness.
“Sorry buddy,” Levi said, struggling to hang onto the beers in his hand.
“And here I thought walking might sober you up.” Jake shook his head as Levi took another swig from the bottle. “Of course that
would
require you to stop drinking.”
Levi belched, eyes widening before he started giggling. He tried giving Jake a hug but with his hands full it wasn’t happening so he settled for shoving his face into Jake’s chest instead. “I’m an embarrassment.”
“I suppose you’re entitled to be, though I’ll admit to not understanding why you think you would be.”
Jake got them moving once again, though Levi had started full-body convulsing from laughter as if he’d just been magically possessed by some new, happier personality, which made the trek down the sidewalk more difficult.
Then, turning on a dime, Mr. Angry returned as if his hearing had been on a time delay and Jake’s words had only just sunk in. “Because… it’s like
that
fucker, you know? That stupid, overgrown, steer-oided gym bunny who just sits around with that blank look on his face all the day… time. The little fucker doesn’t do anything. That’s why… duh.”
Jake shrugged, grinning sheepishly. “I’m sure he does
something
.”
It took a minute for Levi to catch the innuendo. “So not helping, asshole.”
Jake cringed, glancing down at the pavement. “That wasn’t intended to say you weren’t equally good at doing the
something
.”
“Fuck!” Levi stopped moving, eliciting an eye-roll of annoyance from Jake. “That hadn’t even occurred to me? I’m a lousy fucking lay? That explains it, I guess.”
“There is no way you’re lousy in bed.” Jake grabbed him by the arm, shaking Levi out of his inner ravings.
“How would you know?” Levi asked, leaning into Jake.
“I just know, damn it.”
“Well, there’s gotta be something wrong with me.” Levi let out a grunt when Jake forced them into forward motion once again. “‘Cause Dan certainly didn’t ask
me
to marry him. So obliviously…” he trailed off, aware something wasn’t right about that last word but unable to figure out what. “Dan didn’t wanna spend the rest of his life with me… the dir-tay bastard.”
Jake said nothing, just kept them moving toward Levi’s building, which was finally within sight.
“What’s wrong with me, Jake? Why am I never the guy?”
“Stop, Levi, don’t do that. You have to know I think you’re an incredible man. You’re smart, kind, loving… smart…”
“You’re already out of adjectives!” Levi gasped in utter horror. “I’m only a three adjective man…
damn it
! No wonder I’m single. Who wants to marry a three adjective guy when there are seven and eight adjective dudes running amuck all over the city?” Levi suspiciously eyed a group of guys as they passed by. “Gawd, just look at those fuckers…have to be at least five or six adjectives a piece!”
“You didn’t let me finish,” Jake said.
“Oh, how ruuude… My apologies, please continue.”
“You’re sexy.
So
sexy, Levi, and you have no clue how sexy you really are which makes you even hotter. You look great naked, fucking incredible, actually, which I was fortunate enough to see firsthand.”
“Thanks to that stupid Glenellen shower.”
Jake grinned. “Do not bad mouth that shower. I
love
that shower.”
“Don’t be pervy. I don’t like that.”
“I’m a man, I can’t help myself, and something tells me deep down, you
do
like that.”
Levi took in a sharp breath realizing Jake was right, as they continued walking awkwardly down the sidewalk. He did like pervy. He wanted Jake to do lots of pervy things with him. That was part of the fucking problem.
“You
are
a man,” Levi whispered, seductively, then clearing his throat, added. “But back to the adjective thingy—more words for-about me?”
Jake laughed under his breath, shaking his head. “Well, you’re completely self-sufficient while being humble about that fact but more importantly, you’re capable of accepting help when someone offers. Like now, with the whole walking thing.”
“You are good at the walking,” Levi admitted. “I’m big time impressed.”
Jake smiled, nodding his thanks. “Plus, I’ve never once heard you brag about your success, and believe me when I say that is exceedingly refreshing. You work hard and care about your clients, even the insane ones like my family. I could keep going, Levi, as there are so many things to admire about you, but the basic moral of this story is that anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“I muss-be,” Levi said, wide-eyed. “I went from adjectives to whole bouts of exposition.”
“From a better man, you’d rate sonnets and love songs, but I’m ill equipped at those types of things.”
“You do all right, there, buddy, don’t knock yourself down.” Levi sighed, staring at Jake who had his eyes on the path ahead. “
Man
your eyes are blue.”
Jake grinned.
“No, I mean, like really,
really
blue, you know?”
“I may have been told that once or twice before.”
“Well, I always wanted to tell you that, but it wasn’t really an appropriate thing for me to say, but fuck it, I’m drunk which means I get to say what I want for a change.”
Jake laughed, hanging on to Levi who tripped over his own feet. “All this time and I never knew that’s what being drunk meant.”
“Oh yeah, like for instance, did you know that in an alternate universe, I think you and I could have made one another happy… You know, like truly happy? Disney-happy and shit.”
“And shit, huh?” Jake smiled, propping Levi up against the side of the building and placing a hand on his chest in an attempt to pin him there. “Where are your keys?”