Levi felt a lone, traitorous tear running down his cheek, and he cursed the little bastard for daring to defy his wishes. It was all Jake’s doing, damn it. All those years he’d spent carefully constructing the imaginary moat meant to protect his heart, had been all for naught. Jake had managed to traverse it with little to no effort at all—a man who could walk on water, yet would never truly be Levi’s savior.
No one had ever looked after him and Ruby growing up, not truly. There’d been a few men that Ruby had dated back in the day who had made surface attempts at being ‘the man’ in their lives, but for the most part it had been the two of them against the world. But now, here was this man—whom he loved with his whole heart but couldn’t be with. This man who expected nothing in return for these random acts of kindness because there was nothing Levi could offer him, aside from the friendship he’d already reluctantly given.
That tore him up inside because deep down, Levi knew why Jake was doing it.
“Can I help?” Jake asked quietly from behind him.
Levi sniffed, attempting to stealthily wipe his cheek with his shoulder, not wanting Jake to see he was crying. “Sure, you can grab some cups from the cabinet if you don’t mind.”
Levi pointed at the appropriate cabinet without turning to look Jake in the eye, fearing that would be the end of him.
“Hope I didn’t overstep by bringing Keith over without checking with you first. It was all very spur of the moment. The instant I saw Keith I thought of Ruby and before I knew it, we were on her doorstep.”
Levi nodded, still not able to face him. “It’s fine, Jake. I’m grateful to you for continuing to keep an eye on her. I didn’t know you were doing that, but it means the world to me that you have.”
He could hear Jake attempting to quietly remove the cups from the cabinet, well aware the man was staring a hole into the side of Levi’s head. Levi watched the coffee maker, listening to it gurgle as the water began heating up.
“Won’t you look at me, then?” Jake asked. “Please, Levi, I need to see you’re not upset with me.”
Levi sighed, sucking in a deep gulp of air as he turned, feeling yet another betrayal as tear number two went rolling down his other cheek. He could see the fear on Jake’s face, thinking Levi was upset with him.
“Damn it, I suck,” Jake whispered, peering into the other room, visibly aware they would be able to overhear them if he spoke too loudly.
Levi shook his head. “You’re totally anti-sucky.”
He pointed toward the dining room, brushing past Jake, wanting to make sure Ruby couldn’t see him. He wiped his face and steadied himself, irritated that Jake had seen him like this, but he didn’t want Ruby to know how stressed he’d been, worrying about what they were going to do in the event he couldn’t secure another full-time nurse to help care for her.
“I know you’ve been worried about Ruby, I just wanted to help—”
“Thank you, Jake.” Levi cut him off, feeling his eyes welling up again, but managing to keep the actual tears at bay. “This was above and beyond anything I could have ever asked from… anyone.”
“Hey, Levi, please don’t. We’re friends, right?”
He nodded, smiling over the ‘F’ word, which had begun to feel more like their own secret replacement for the ‘L’ word, which neither of them could use due to the fact their feelings for one another were completely inappropriate. That familiar mix of shame, regret and undeniable affection danced across the man’s face as those emotions played out there. Levi recognized them immediately having seen them there so often on his own face each time he looked in the mirror.
“I’ve been terrified of having the conversation with her about selling this house, which we’d very likely need to do in order to purchase one of the empty floors in my building to move her into.”
Jake shook his head. “I take it she wasn’t going to love that idea?”
“Hate would be more appropriate.” Levi resisted the urge to reach out and take Jake into his arms. “I love you…”
Jake took in a deep breath when Levi trailed off, as if Levi had knocked the wind out of him.
“…for doing this, I mean,” Levi clarified, despite the fact it had felt incredible to speak those three words aloud. “…and for continuing to check in on her.”
“Don’t be mad at her about that, I kinda asked her not to mention it to you.”
“Why?” Levi asked, only confused for a moment. “Oh, right.”
“You know I like Miss Ruby, quite genuinely,” Jake said. “I didn’t want you to think I was coming by for any other reason.”
Levi nodded, hating how much loving Jake hurt. “Well, we should get back to the coffee, I guess.”
Jake grabbed his arm as he tried to walk away and they stood like that for a moment, staring into one another’s eyes.
Levi found it difficult to catch his breath.
Jake reached up, gently brushing his fingers across Levi’s cheek before taking Levi behind the neck and pulling him into a tight embrace. Levi stood there, arms dangling lifelessly at his sides for a moment before the desire to hug Jake back became more than he could stand. As his hands slowly slid around Jack’s waist, the ache in his chest grew, radiating outward like a throbbing pulse that threatened to end all of Levi.
In that brief moment, the ecstasy of holding Jake mixed with the agony that he would never have anything more, and in that split second, Levi’s resolve weakened to the extent he would have done the unspeakable had they not been two rooms away from his mother.
Levi could feel Jake’s heart beating through his chest, wondering if the thumpa-thumpa rhythm was occurring more rapidly than it typically did. His own heartbeat had quickened and the heat radiating into his body was addictive. Levi found himself yearning to experience this for always. Jake inhaled deeply, his face planted firmly in the crook of Levi’s neck, like he might be trying to breathe Levi inside, keeping a tiny piece of him locked away there.
That idea seemed very romantic to him in that moment and Levi was once again acutely aware that he was not alone in his desperation to hold onto any part of the man in his arms—Jake felt the same for him. The heat of his breath and the stubble from his chin, Levi wanted to experience that over every inch of his skin—to imagine what that might feel like was so exquisite, and he held onto that sensation, thinking he might be able to live off of it for months, possibly even years if he was lucky.
As they finally parted, Levi plastered on the same grin that had become the mask he wore so often, as of late. They headed back into the kitchen to finish the chore Ruby had requested of Levi, not speaking a word to one another again.
Time to go back to the real world, Levi thought, as he followed Jake back into the living room with the tray of coffee and accoutrements—his sadness retreating back down to that place where Levi managed to shove all of life’s disappointments.
Chapter Eleven
Freezing as he hovered outside Julia and Gregory’s building, Levi adjusted the strap of his leather messenger bag with one hand, clutching a drink holder filled with Starbucks in the other. Checking his watch and beginning to worry as Jake was now nearly ten minutes late, he admitted to himself that this was not the way he wanted to kick off Thanksgiving Day.
It was a little after seven a.m. and all he wanted to do was crawl back into bed.
Miserable day, he thought, glancing upward at the overcast sky.
Julia and Gregory were in San Francisco for the holiday visiting Gregory’s parents, and according to Jake, all their staff would also be off until Monday. Levi started dancing in place in an attempt to raise his body temperature, wishing that this hadn’t been the only day Jake had been able to help him with the whole Darius Wertz anniversary surprise Levi had planned. Unfortunately, Jake was supposed to work over most of the weekend and from the sound of it, he’d be plenty busy between the holiday and all the Black Friday nonsense. Levi understood hard work and long hours but Jake’s schedule sounded particularly brutal, working twenty-four hour shifts with a day or two off in between.
Either way, it was today or never and as far as Levi was concerned, never wasn’t an option. Aside from not having the opportunity to sleep in, this early morning adventure wasn’t going to interfere with the Goode family holiday tradition of Chinese take-out and old movies. He wasn’t due at his mother’s until one that afternoon, but he was supposed to pick up the food on his way out to Ruby’s, so they were on a bit of deadline.
A taxi came screeching to a halt in front of the Wilkes Regency building and Levi watched wide-eyed as Jake tossed money over the seat and flew out of the back seat.
“I am so sorry, Levi,” Jake said, stress pouring off of him in waves. “I completely overslept.”
Levi smiled, hoping to put the man at ease. “It’s fine, Ja—”
“It’s not fine, you’ve no doubt been standing out here freezing to death for fifteen minutes or more.”
It had been closer to twenty because he’d been early, as usual. “I was totally late, myself.”
Jake stopped, staring intently into Levi’s eyes, so much so that Levi felt himself taking a step back.
“You’re lying,” Jake declared. “To save me from feeling bad, no doubt, but totally lying.”
Without giving Levi time to utter any sort of response, Jake grabbed him by the hand and took off for the entrance of the building, dragging Levi behind him.
“You have got to settle down,” Levi whispered as they breezed past the doorman who waved at Jake, wishing them a pleasant holiday. “Preferably before ripping my arm out of socket.”
Jake stopped at the elevator bay and anxiously punched the button. Now that they’d been forced to stop moving for more than two seconds, Levi could sense something was wrong—something aside from Jake’s tardiness.
“Are you okay?” Levi asked.
He sighed, shaking his head that he wasn’t, then said, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Levi could feel his forehead scrunching up, not happy with that but decided to let it slide for now. He held up the cup caddy with four Starbucks cups. “Coffee?”
Jake eyed the cups, then sniffed, breathing in the scent before finally nodding. “That would be great, thank you, Levi.”
“I didn’t know how you took your coffee, but—”
“I take it any way I can get it,” Jake clarified, finally smiling a little, noting the way Levi had taken his comment. “That would be a coffee-specific trait.”
Levi laughed, more pleased than he should’ve been over making Jake forget about whatever was troubling him, however briefly the joy lasted. The elevator doors opened and they each got in. Levi passed him a cup, waiting for Jake to punch the button that would take them all the way to the top floor. Jake moaned softly, taking that first sip as he leaned back against the wood-paneled wall. Levi made a mental note of that sound, having intensely enjoyed hearing it.
By the time they’d made their way inside the apartment and situated themselves in Julia’s home office—where she kept all her meticulously organized photo albums that were arranged on bookshelves by year—Jake had begun to relax. Levi could still sense something was up with him, but he decided not to pry, assuming it might have something to do with Victor. That conjured up the recollection of Jake being alone for the holiday.
Jake was watching Levi feed some of Julia and Gregory’s wedding photos through the scanning wand. “That’s a handy little device.”
“Darius gave it to me to use. It has an internal drive that stores all the scans so there’s no computer needed.”
“Speaking of.” Jake walked around the desk and sat down at Julia’s computer. “She’s got a copy of their wedding video on here. I can copy that into a zip file if you have a thumb drive on you.”
“That’d be great.” Levi grabbed his bag off the floor and fished out a drive. “What are your plans for later?”
Jake stiffened, not looking up from the computer screen. “I was invited to Craig and Sophia’s—my partner on the wagon and his wife.”
“What the hell’s a wagon?” Levi asked.
He smiled. “What we call the ambulance.”
“Oh… groovy.” Levi smirked, feeling like he’d just been allowed behind the secret EMT curtain.
Jake chuckled, shaking his head which made Levi think the man knew what he’d been thinking and was now making fun of him.
“So you’re going to Craig and Sophia’s then?” Levi asked.
Jake shrugged. “Not in the mood to be around a ton of people and they have a huge extended family.”
Levi opened his mouth and Jake cut him off at the pass. “I appreciate the offer you’re about to make, but I think I’d be better off hanging by myself this year—not in much of a celebratory mood today.”
“Won’t you please tell me what’s wrong?” Levi fed another picture through the scanner. “It’s only fair, damn it, you stick your big, helpful nose in all my personal biddness.”
Jake continued tapping keys on the computer and using the mouse but said nothing.
Levi sighed, signaling his disappointment. “Of course, perhaps we’re not as good of friends as you’ve been making us out to be?”
Jake stopped typing and rolled his eyes. “Wow, that’s a low blow.”
“Sorry, Double-standard-Debbie, but friendship is a two way street.”