"No you don't," Daddy said. "You'd be waiting half a year for me to return from a sea duty."
They laughed at that. but
I
had often mused about living at a different time. Movies and books could make it seem so much more romantic. Maybe people did spend more time with each other, but swirling about them freely and unchecked were devastating diseases, more opportunities for accidents, and terrible poverty. We pay a price for progress. Mommy told me, and for a moment she looked worried about what my share of that price might be.
Nightmares had a field day in my sleeping brain for a week after my visit to Autumn. I never heard anything from her, not a phone call, and then, one morning at breakfast. Mommy told me Autumn's parents had indeed decided to send her to a special school. In fact, she was already gone.
At school, her name fell through the floor of conversations to the basement reserved for the long forgotten. Wench and Penny looked very satisfied with themselves. Penny, especially, made a point to tell me I should have listened to them.
"You have to know who you should be loyal to and who you shouldn't if you want to get anywhere in this world." she said.
"We're deciding whether or not to give you another chance." she added, speaking down to me as if she sat on a high throne.
Many of the other daughters and even sons of naval personnel did seem to be frightened of them, always agreeing with anything they said and never challenging a word. At school they were like queen bees making little demands of the drones who swirled about them everywhere they went, hoping for a smile, a compliment, an invitation to a party. They threw me their condescending smiles, expecting me to join the pack, but I didn't. I wasn't afraid of being alone or having friends who weren't from naval families. However, they looked disgustingly confident that
I
would come around and soon practically beg for their friendship.
I didn't want to say anything negative about our new home and my life here. so I didn't tell Mommy about any of this. Daddy was so happy at work, and Mommy was making some new friends she truly enjoyed. In fact. I thought she was happier here than she had been anywhere. One night only a little more than a month after we had moved to the Norfolk base, she revealed why.
Daddy was on a night instruction, so Mommy and I had dinner ourselves, and then, after we had cleaned up the kitchen and I had done my homework, she surprised me by coming to my room. I heard the knock on my door and saw her standing there looking as if she could just burst with excitement. Without hearing a word from her. I smiled.
"What?"
I
asked.
"I want to talk to you," she said, and came in to sit on my bed. I was brushing out my hair, "Just do what you're doing," she said. "I like to watch you anyway, honey. You're getting to be a beautiful young woman."
"Oh, Mommy," I said. blushing. "I am not."
"Yes, you are. Grace, and why shouldn't you?" she teased. "Look how handsome your father is and how beautiful your mother is."
"That's true," I said. "but it doesn't always follow the children will be."
"Take my word for it. Grace. You're an attractive young lady and will only grow more so. Anyway, I'm not here to tease you about your looks. I'll leave that up to your father. You like it better when he teases you anyway." she said without any envy. Mommy truly enjoyed watching Daddy and me. I could see it in her eyes. "Soon I hope to have more on my mind," she added.
I stopped brushing and turned to her. "What do you mean?"
"Well, honey, your father and
I
have had a long discussion, and we've concluded that we should try again to have another child. While we have been here. I have seen an obstetrician, and I have taken tests. In fact, so has your father," she revealed.
"What sort of tests?"
"Tests to determine if we are capable of having another child. We've tried at times in the past and failed, but we've never been as determined about it as we are now," she confessed.
I could see the resolve in her eyes. It took my breath away. Was it always just a matter of how much they really wanted a child?
"Anyway," she continued, "the tests have confirmed that we should have no problem. I know it might seem odd to you that we want another child with you already nearly fifteen. but I'm still of childbearing age and knocking on the door of not being, so if we are ever going to do it, we have to do it now. Understand?"
I nodded, but it was not only strange to me to hear her speak so candidly about it. The prospect of her actually being pregnant and my having a baby brother or sister now was both fascinating and frightening. Surely such an event would change our lives radically. What if the new baby was another girl? Would she become Daddy's special Sailor Girl? Or what if the baby was the boy
I
knew he'd always wanted? Would both of them devote all their affections to him, and would I become more like a guest in my own home? I felt guilty even having these fears, but they were there, running under my thoughts, a stream full of selfish fish.
"We both felt that now that your father is truly settled into a position that has some stability, it would be a good time to try again. I haven't felt this relaxed and confident about our lives for some time. Besides your father earning more, this house is actually the first in which we could have a real nursery."
I nodded, not knowing what to say.
"Amway," she said. smiling. "I wanted you to know our plans so it doesn't come as a shocking surprise to you.
I
am so confident I'll get pregnant this time. Grace," she said with bright, happy eyes.
I realized that despite my introduction to sexual education in health classes and what
I
heard and knew from talking with other girls. I really didn't understand how someone just makes up her mind to get pregnant. Of course. I understood how birth control worked, but from the way Mommy talked about it, it seemed as though the man simply took better aim at those floating eggs, or all the times before they were both not fully committed to it happening, and that was why they had failed.
"I don't like the fact that there are going to be so many years between you and your little brother or sister, but that is just the way it has turned out for us. You will be more of a mother's helper. That's a good way to look at it, isn't it. Grace?"
"Yes, Mommy."
It doesn't upset you or anything like that, does it. Grace?" she asked, her head tilted with some suspicion. "No, Mommy. Why should it?"
"Good," she said, patting my hand. "I told your father I would talk to you about it. He's so oldfashioned when it comes to these sorts of discussions, and he refuses to admit to himself that you are practically a young adult and know more about it all than he wants to imagine.
"Daddies want to keep their daughters little girls more than they want to keep their sons little boys. It's just the opposite for mothers," she said.
How do you get to know all that? I wondered, It wasn't something taught in any classroom.
"Well let him live in his illusion awhile longer, but the first time you get serious about a young man, he's going to go into a nosedive. You haven't met anyone yet, have you?" she asked.
"No, Mommy,"
I
said. laughing.
"What's so funny or incredible about it. Grace? Look at you," she said, forcing me to turn to gaze into my vanity mirror. "You're very attractive, and you already have a perky little figure. Don't tell me You don't notice boys looking your way," she said.
Of course
I
had. but I had avoided looking back at any of them. At my school in San Diego, I had developed a slight relationship, not worth describing when Autumn had asked. The most we had done was hold hands and kiss. The boy was actually shyer than I was, but I was comfortable with that and didn't mind.
Now, after what had happened here. I had a suspicion that Wendi and Penny were spreading stories about me. Lately
I
was growing more and more worried about some of the looks I was getting, the stares, the tiny giggles that followed. Not being privy to the so-called inner circle at school.
I
wasn't sure what sort of things were being said. but
I
had the feeling they weren't complimentary.
"Okay," she said. rising. "I just wanted you to be aware of what was going on. I'll let you know when the wonderful event happens."
I didn't realize I was holding my breath until after she had left and
I
let it out, freeing my chest from the band of tension around it So often in our lives we were involved in new things, major changes, but the prospect of another child in our home was the biggest and most dramatic.
Daddy didn't come home until after
I
had gone to my room to prepare for bed. He knocked on my door,
"Hey, Sailor Girl," he said when
I
told him to come in. I was already in my nightgown and had just crawled under my blanket. Even though he did it less and less these days. Daddy often stopped by to say good night to me. I knew most girls my age would think it immature, babyish, for me to like that. but
I
did.
"Hi,"
I
said, and he approached the bed. He was still in his flight uniform. and I thought he looked as handsome and exciting as any movie star.
"So." he said. 'Mommy tells me you guys had a good chat today."
"Yes," I said.
"We want you aboard on this, you know. It's a full family decision.
I
know that I got so used to being the only child in the house that the very thought of sharing even space at the kitchen table bothered me."
"I
don't feel that way. Daddy."'
"I
didn't think you would." He gave me a side glance and then perused my shelf of books. "I hope your brother or sister will be as goad a reader as you are, Grace. There is so much competition for everyone's attention these days, especially younger people, but reading is special. It's really a personal experience, isn't it?"
"Yes. Daddy."
"You can live a whole life through the books you read, not that it should be the only thing, of course."
"No, Daddy."
He seemed so much more nervous than he had ever been around me. He was working hard at making conversation,
"You know, our decision to have another child now doesn't guarantee it will happen," he warned.
"I know, but Mommy said you've gone through tests."
"She told you that, too. huh?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"Um," he said. "You understand all that, of course."
"Yes, Daddy." I said. smiling.
"I guess I'm going to have to face facts about you whether I like to or not, aren't I? One of these days you're going to come around with someone and tell me you're in love and planning a life of your own,"
"That's a long way off, Daddy. I want to go to college."
"Right. You should. Women should be more independent these days. And you should be careful about in whom you think you want to place your confidence. Most of the men I know don't grow up until they're almost twice the age I was when I was on my own." he said sternly. "You ought to see who they are sending around to be in control of a multimilliondollar piece of equipment these days. However, they grow up fast under my command," he assured me.
"I
bet they do. Daddy." "Right," he said. nodding.
I could just imagine what the man I brought around to meet my father would be feeling. He would probably be trembling at the door. The image brought a smile to my face.
"What?" he asked,
"Nothing," I said.
"C'mon," he urged.
"I
was just thinking about the day I bring someone around to meet you."
"Is that so? Your mother says the same sort of thing. I'm no ogre, but I can tell you this: Whoever thinks he can take my Sailor Girl on a voyage of his own had better be fully equipped and obey every rule and regulation."
"Aye, aye. Daddy." I said, and he laughed.
Other girls my age often made me believe they were annoyed by their fathers' interest in their comings and goings. They wanted no advice, no supervision, and they resented questions and concern. All I could think of was haw protected and secure my father made me feel. He was my personal radar screen, picking up and shooting down anything that was in any way a threat to my health and happiness. Why would I ever resent that? If anything, I would miss it if my husband wasn't as strong and as competent as he was.
I also wanted a man whom
I
could never stop loving and a man who could never stop loving me or he would die, absolutely die on the spot. Was that too romantic, too idealistic? Mommy always made me feel that was the love she had.
"Anyway," Daddy continued, "I wanted to reassure you that nothing will ever diminish my love for you. Grace. You'll always be my Sailor Girl," Daddy said.
"I know that. Daddy."
"Good." He looked at the door. "Well, if your mother asks, tell her we had a very mature
conversation, will you? She's been driving me mad about it," he whispered.
I laughed. "Okay, Daddy."
"'Night, baby," he said, and leaned over to kiss me. He shook his head, "You sure you're almost fifteen already? You were just four."
"I'm
sure. Daddy, otherwise I would be very advanced for my age."
He laughed, saluted with his two fingers, and left.
I pulled my blanket up to my chin and closed my eyes. How happy I felt, how warm and secure.
And then
I
thought of poor Autumn Sullivan, sleeping in some strange place, never hearing her father or her mother say good night.
She was truly like someone lost at sea.
3
A Convenient Sprain
.
In the days and weeks to follow. I occasionally
saw Autumn's father, but whenever I did he barely acknowledged me with a nod. Whatever
I
knew about Autumn now I found out through Mommy, who tried to develop a friendship with her mother. It wasn't easy because her mother had become quite withdrawn after Autumn's attempted suicide and avoided company and being with the other women at any social occasion. Caitlin wouldn't even look my way if we were close to each other, especially at school.
I
think she was afraid
I
would ask about her sister and she would have to say something that was embarrassing. It did seem to me as though Autumn's father and Caitlin especially would rather pretend she didn't exist. The Sullivans were all invited to a barbecue Daddy and Mommy had in honor of my fifteenth birthday. but none of them appeared.