"He's not disabled. Daddy. He just sprained his ankle."
"Yeah, that's no fun." he said. "Since we're being honest with each other. I'll confess I'm just being a jealous father. Every father has to realize there will come a day when he will no longer be the center of his daughter's world, when someone else will step in and capture her attention and interest. I'm just a sore loser. That's all."
"No one has captured all my interest," I said.
"Maybe not, but it's a start. It's all right. You don't have to defend yourself for doing what every healthy young woman should do. I just have to grow up."
"Grow up? You?"
"We all have to grow, change, adjust constantly. Grace. It's part of life. maturing. Some resist it more than others and suffer mare."
I shook my head. I couldn't imagine my father having to change a bit,
"When you stop learning, stop being openminded, you die or wilt on the branch. This is an ongoing process, this thing we call life. honey. We're on a journey, and we soon realize that's what's most important: the journey itself. If you reach a goal and stop traveling, what's the point? Understand?"
"I think so."
I
said.
You will.
I
have a great deal of faith in you. So," he said. standing.
-
'how's he going to take you to the end-of-the-year dance or prom if he can't stand?"
I laughed. He didn't ask me to any dance. Daddy."
"Maybe he's not as smart as I thought. Maybe you need to put your picture on a baseball card and give it to him." he kidded.
"Daddy, stop it."
"If he's got any sense, any grit, he'll be calling and asking. If not,
he's failed in his mission, Anyway,
I
didn't want you going to sleep angry at me."
"I
wouldn't," I said "I just wouldn't sleep."
He laughed. "Okay. Sailor Girl, Sweet dreams, no matter whom they are about."
He leaned dawn to kiss me on the cheek and then gave me a salute. which I returned.
I kept my smile until after he left. I felt very lucky, lucky to have him, to have a mother like the one I had. Maybe we lived like nomads and we were uprooted too often and suffered in ways other people didn't. but
I
didn't feel cheated. I would never feel that way as long as
I
had my parents and we continued to care more about each other than we did about ourselves.
I did dream that night.
I dreamed of Trent sliding into third only not hurting himself.
He stood up and then turned toward home because
I
was standing there at the plate, waiting for him.
4
Men and Their Toys
.
When I went to school the next day I felt more
confident and self-assured than I had ever felt at this school or any other. I couldn't explain why. Trent and
I
hadn't done much more than a pair of junior high students might do these days, but somehow
I
could sense a new maturity in me. I felt older, experienced, more invulnerable, especially to whatever Wendi and Penny could throw my way. It was as if I had gained some ancient wisdom or waken it in my sleeping brain and now realized that the Grinchy twins, as I liked to think of them, weren't worth a minute of worry when it came to how they would affect my life and happiness. It was better and far easier to pretend they were invisible.
I told that to Trent when he and
I
sat together in the cafeteria while, at the next table down. Wendi and Penny squirmed like two termites into the brains of all their devotees. He laughed and nodded,
"I do the same thing sometimes, pretend people I don't like or people who just annoy me aren't there.
I
look right through them, block out whatever they say. My friends think I'm daydreaming, but it's easier that way."
We talked so much that day, every opportunity we had. He had come to school on his crutch, of course, and all of his buddies and many other girls hovered about him as though he had been wounded in a gallant battle, showing great courage. The crutch was a medal, an honor. Same actually wanted to touch it as if it had a magical quality.
As quickly and as gracefully as he could, he escaped from them to come to me every chance he had. The result was that more and more of the students who wouldn't give me the time of the day before were now interested in me. I knew a few of the girls had crushes on Trent as heavy as the one Autumn had carried secretly in her heart.
I
knew they thought that if they found reasons to be with me, they would be with him, and competition for his attention grew more intense. Before long we were struggling for opportunities to be alone, even if it was for a few moments in the hallway or the minutes we had together in the cafeteria before they descended on us like honey bees drawing whatever succor they could from Trent's smile or friendly words.
First thing in the afternoon after lunch was our history exam. Mr. Caswell offered to give Trent a makeup test if he felt his injury had made it impossible for him to study well. I thought that was generous, but Wendi nudged me to say, "If he wasn't a school sports hero, he'd be left to sink or swim." To her surprise and even a little to mine. Trent refused the offer and said he was better prepared than ever. Of course, he looked my way and smiled, which turned every other girl's spotlight eyes to me for a moment of envy so thick and green it made the air around me hot and hard to breathe.
Moments later the class was quiet and the test had begun. There was nothing on it that Trent and
I
had not covered. One of the essay questions looked as if it had been created out of my very notes, in fact.
I
saw Trent smile with confidence, glance back at me, and then go at it. Afterward he made a paint of telling me how much studying with me had helped him. He said it loudly enough so that anyone who didn't know by now knew we had spent some of the previous evening together at his house.
Whatever new image I had developed simply because he was showing me attention in the halls and cafeteria of our school exploded into celebrity with this revelation. In an instant I was being thought of as Trent Ralston's new steady girlfriend. It was as if I had won the lottery.
When he asked to study English with me for our upcoming exam. I couldn't help but feel a little ball of excitement swirl up from the pit of my stomach to the center of my thumping heart.
"I'll even come to your house and take a chance that your father won't bite. The doctor said I can drive as long as I don't take any painkillers, and I want my mind clear when I'm with you I mean studying with you." he said.
I felt it was all right for me to invite him without first asking my parents.
I
knew Daddy had a major training exercise all day and into the early evening hours. When I got home and told Mommy, she asked me why I didn't invite him to dinner as well. The thought had not occurred to me. but I felt as though I had missed an opportunity and perhaps disappointed him.
You can still do it if you want," she said. "It's not that late in the day."
"Should I?"
"Sure," she said, making it sound like almost nothing when to me it was like running the twominute mile or something, a major accomplishment. I had never invited a boy I liked to dinner with my parents.
"Just don't make it sound like we're having something special. I'm doing chicken burgers with home flies and string beans. Maybe I'll get something special for dessert," she concluded. "You'd better tell him just in case he doesn't like chicken burgers. Tell him I'll make him a peanut butter sandwich if he won't eat my chicken burgers."
"Mommy!"
"Just kidding. Your father loves my chicken burgers.
I
add a lot of secret ingredients." She studied me a moment. I saw the amusement in her eyes, amusement at my nervous hesitation. "Let me know if you work up enough courage to call him and if he accepts. so I can put out another plate and prepare a little more," she said.
I berated myself for being so silly and bashful and went right to the phone. The first question from Trent was, "Is your father going to be there. too?"
"Stop worrying about him. Trent. He's just a naval officer. He's not an ogre. And anyway, he will be late tonight. He's on a training exercise."
"Oh. Sure, well, that's very nice of your mother. I'll be there," he said.
Despite myself. when
I
told her. I couldn't contain the underlying flow of excitement in my voice.
If
only she knew haw important I had felt all day and haw happy I was. I thought, but then
I
wondered how I would tell her about all that without sounding like a lovesick puppy.
"Okay. Since we have a guest for dinner. I'll put out silverware so we don't eat everything with our fingers," she joked.
"Mommy!"
She went off laughing, and
I
retreated to my room, suddenly feeling as if everything in my life had become more vivid, more vibrant, whether colors, sounds, or even the scent of my colognes and shampoo. For me there was an electricity in the air. It was more charged than it had been for any birthday or any previous special occasion. Was I being foolish? He was just
a
boy I had become more friendly with, I told myself. But when I looked at my face in the mirror.
I
saw how futile it was to think
I
could lie to myself. The truth was there in my eyes, in the flush in my cheeks. whether
I
wanted it to be there or not.
A few minutes later the phone rang. My heart went on pause. Was it Trent now telling me something had come up and he couldn't come after all? Mommy spoke for a while, but her voice was muffled. Then she came to my room.
"That was your father. He wants us to go over to the airport to see the helicopters take off. It's an impressive sight, he says. I told him you had homework to do and I had to go get some things for dinner because we had a guest coming, but he sounded so disappointed. I told him you and I would stop by on my way to the supermarket. Okay?"
"Of course." I said, practically jumping out of my shoes, first because it wasn't Trent canceling and then because I knew it would be exciting to watch all those helicopters lift off with Daddy in command.
"Well, let's hurry," she said, and we went out to the car and drove over to the airport.
It was a beautiful, clear twilight with the sky turning into that navy blue with clouds smeared across it as if they had been spread with a butter knife. Daddy had left word we were arriving, so we were passed through security. Mommy parked the car, and we walked toward the helicopters. There were about two dozen, all resembling gigantic alien insects. I knew what kind of power they possessed and how deadly they could be.
Daddy was very busy with preparations and could barely look our way and wave.
"Men and their toys." Mommy muttered.
Yes. I thought, and then thought how impressed Trent would have been if I could have brought him along with us.
"I wish they'd hurry," Mommy said. "Don't they know I have things to do?"
I smiled at her and looked at Daddy again. By watching the way the other men reacted to what he said.
I
could see the respect and authority he commanded. It made me proud. and I knew from the look of admiration and love in Mommy's face that she felt the same way.
Finally he walked toward his waiting men. When he reached them he turned toward us and gave me our special salute, which I, of course. returned.
The engines on the helicopters were activated.
"How he stands that noise is beyond me," Mommy said. My eyes drifted to catch a sea gull. I watched it turn back to the sea, and then we saw the helicopters lifting in a massive roar, like an entire hive of hornets rising at once,
"C'mon," Mommy screamed Over the noise. She tugged me. I looked back as the helicopters made their turns in perfect formation
"Grace," Mommy urged, and we went to our car.
"I
will admit it is impressive," Mommy said as we drove off. "And a big responsibility for him. He loves us seeing that sort of thing, especially you. He's just a big boy," she kidded lovingly.
I smiled to myself I'm lucky,
I
thought. Civilian kids don't think so because we move around so much, but I'm the luckiest girl in the
-
world
Mommy and I flew through the supermarket, scooping up what she wanted, and then we hurried home. An hour and a half later the security guard at the main gate informed us that Trent was there. A few minutes later I was waiting at the front door.
I saw immediately that Trent was more nervous than I was, and the military presence at the gate only heightened it. Still on his crutch, of course, he limped through the entryway to meet Mommy.
"Welcome, Trent." she said. "I'm glad you like chicken burgers."
He glanced at me. He had confessed he had never had them, but he assured me he was eager to try them.
"Thank you. Mrs, Houston."
"Call me Jackie Lee." she said. "Mrs. Houston makes me sound like someone's grandmother."
Trent nodded, amazed. Clearly my calling his mother by her first name was something she would never ask me to do and never permit. I led him into our living room. and Mommy sat with us for a while. I was always impressed with how easily she met people. All my life, because of our traveling and moving, she confronted new people, different personalities, and seemed able to do it with little difficulty.
I once asked her about it, and she had paused, thought, and then said. "It's like trying on different styles of clothing for me. I can see or feel quickly whether or not were going to fit. We have to meet too many different people to luxuriate in shyness. Our lives are far more obvious to the people we know and share experiences with. We can't put on any false pretenses. We're all sort of in the same boat, sometimes literally."
She had tweaked her nose and looked at me. "Ifs going to be different for you. Grace, unless you end up marrying a Navy boy or someone from another military branch."
Whom would
I
marry?
I
couldn't help wondering. Would
I
follow in my mother's footsteps, be part of some tradition? Or run off with a rock star?
I saw how Trent felt very comfortable because of Mommy's casual manner. He was more talkative with her, in fact, than he had been with me. In minutes she had him telling his life story, all about his family, and even his dream to become a professional baseball player.
"I've been going to a professionally run baseball camp every summer since
I
was nine," he revealed. He hadn't told me that.
"You're going to it again this summer?" she asked.
"Oh, sure," he said. "As long as my ankle heals well."
"Well, just follow your doctor's orders explicitly, and it will," she assured him. Then she excused herself to set out our dinner. I offered to help, but she insisted I stay with Trent.
"Start studying or something," she kidded.
"Boy. I like your mother." Trent said the moment she was gone, "My mother would have taken your blood and urine and had it off to the lab by now."
I laughed and accused him of exaggeration.
I
hadn't met his mother yet, but
I
couldn't imagine her to be as severe as he was portraying her. However, he didn't relent, "She treats our family name, reputation, and status no less than she would if we were royalty. It gets embarrassing and difficult at times. My father is easier and not as taken with himself,
"But," he added, seeing the look of concern on my face. "I'm sure when she meets you she won't be able to do anything but melt."
"'Not unless she's made of ice cream," I said.
"No, she would rather be thought of as rich butter," he replied, and we laughed.
"I didn't know you were going off to baseball camp this summer."
"Yeah, but it's not that far away. I'll be around to eat chicken burgers as many times as
I
can."
I laughed, but it felt good to hear how much he wanted to see me.
Before Mommy called us to dinner I showed him one of our family albums with Daddy on different ships, one an aircraft carrier, the
USS Enterprise.
"There are more than twenty-eight hundred sailors on it, more than one hundred seventy chiefs, and more than two hundred officers. With the air wing there could be more than five thousand people on it. It's like a little city. Daddy says. I was very little when he was on it. so I don't remember ever seeing it. but I have seen it in harbor."
"I
guess you're a real Navy girl,
-
Trent said. smiling. "You know so much detail about the ships and all."
"Sailor Girl."
"What?"
"That's what my father calls me."
"Oh, right."
He laughed. We looked at some more pictures, and then we went in to dinner. Trent really loved Mommy's chicken burgers. I could see he wasn't simply being polite. When
I
started to help her clean up, she insisted I get right to studying. She gave me a look that told me she approved of Trent very much.
He thanked her, and we went to my room. The first thing he noticed was all the dolls and souvenirs Daddy had brought me over the years, each unique to the place he had been. I had set up my notebook and our textbook with bookmarks for our studying.
'We'd better get to it, huh?" he said. "First the sacrosanct."
"Time for a new word," I countered. "Stop being facetious."
He laughed. "Okay, okay," he said, holding up his hands while still leaning on his crutch. "Let's go at it"
As before, his problem was the disorganized manner in which he kept his notes. Organizing it all helped us to study. Mommy stopped by once to ask if we needed anything more before she settled into watching television and waiting for my father. She made watching television sound like a warm bath.
After she left us Trent leaned over to kiss me.
"I figured since she invaded the sacrosanct. I could. Just for a moment, of course."
"It's not the sacrosanct. It's an adjective, not a noun. We are studying English. and Madea will have vocabulary on the test, Trent."
"Ave, aye, sir." he said, and saluted.
For a moment the salute gave me a strange chill. My father's face flashed before me. It threw me back to the moment of discomfort I had experienced at the helicopter liftoff. That nervousness surged through my body, rattling my bones. I glanced at the clock. Daddy was going to have a very late dinner tonight the way this was going.
"You all right?" Trent asked.
"What? Oh. yes. C'mon, let's review the quotes from Julius Caesar," I said, and turned to those pages in my notebook. Involving myself in my work was the only way to keep the annoying finger of anxiety away from my heart., I had no idea why it was there, and that made me more jittery. Every once in a while
I
glanced at the clock and took note of the time. Trent caught me doing it and asked if
I
thought he should leave soon.
"No, we have more to do," I insisted, and we continued.
When the doorbell sounded about forty minutes later, it seemed to ring inside me as if my heart had become a gong to strike. Anyone at our door had to be someone living within the gated compound, since the security guard hadn't called to announce him or her, but Mommy had not mentioned any of her friends coming over to visit. Most anyone would call first to see if we were home or if it was a good time to come.
The logic of all this ran at supersonic speed through my mind in a computer-like process that brought me to my feet. Trent looked up from the notebook with surprise. I stood there, frozen, and then I heard what had begun deep inside me back at the heliport: a tiny yet persistent cry that ballooned into a scream. Mommy's scream, a scream I would hear for the rest of my life.
.
I turned and hurried out of my room toward the front door, my cry for my mother on my lips. What
I
saw put stone in my legs and stopped my heart. Mommy was unconscious and in a naval officer's arms. He and the officer with him were struggling to get her to the sofa in the living room.
"Mommy!" I cried.
Trent came hopping up behind me. We both watched in awe and then slowly followed them into the living room.
The older officer tamed to the younger one. "Get me a cold damp cloth and a glass of cold water." he ordered.
"Yes, sir," the younger officer said, and snapped to it, rushing by me as if I wasn't there.
"What's happening?" I demanded, My tears were streaming down my face in anticipation.
"There's been a helicopter accident involving your father," he replied. "I'm sorry."
Within those two words were all the tragedy and pain
I
could ever feel in my life. He didn't have to explain any more or add any descriptive words.
I'm sorry? I'm sorry your father is gone forever? I'm sorry something mechanical
went
wrong and changed your life and your Mother's life forever? I'm sorry someone as strong and wonderful as your father could be gone in seconds, just removed as if he had been swept off in a hurricane?
There are no words in our language adequate to explain or comfort anyone when something like this occurs. I thought. Despite the fact that my father was part of a military machine that could be and often was placed in harm's way, those fears were so hammered down and hidden from our consciousness that we refused to confront them. Every time we had seen Daddy go off or had watched him fly in a plane or a helicopter, there was a moment when our breath was seized and our hearts were on pause. It passed quickly, and we relaxed in the knowledge that he was one of our country's finest and our country had the best and the safest equipment in the world.