Military people, the families, have a second level of faith beyond religion. They believe in the structure, the procedures, the efficiency, and the power of the branch, whether it be the Navy or the Air Force. Daddy used to say flying military was ten times safer than commercial. Just consider all that security, all those men working around equipment, being supervised and observed by officers, taking pride in efficiency and success, standing straighter, beaming with their medals. These men wouldn't permit such things to happen.
But something had gone wrong with Daddy's helicopter. They couldn't recover. Mommy was told the details. There was that we don't hide the facts from our Navy family attitude in the face of the officer who sat with her and with me. It was as if knowing how it had happened brought some relief, when, in fact, it only added to the misery and horror as far as
I
was concerned.
What was Daddy thinking when that helicopter began to have trouble and all his training, all his knowledge, wasn't helping? Were his last thoughts about me about Mommy? Was he terrified? Did he scream, or did he maintain his composure in front of his men as his superiors would have us believe?
Does any of it matter the next day when you open your eyes and realize, no, it wasn't a nightmare? He isn't here. He will never be here again.
I was at Mommy's side when she regained consciousness. She held me, and we rocked back and forth as if we were on our little rowboat already, cast out to sea with no safe harbors in sight, no Daddy to bring us back.
I forgot all about Trent, of course. He made a quick, quiet exit, probably shocked and terrified. I didn't even remember he had been there until hours and hours later. The senior officer who had come was a doctor and had brought sedatives. Mommy refused them, but he insisted she consider taking at least one pill. It would deaden the pain, disguise it, hide it a little or just enough to get her through the first terrible hours, he said.
I wanted to take the whole bottle. Later he pulled me aside and told me to remain as alert as I could so I could watch over her for the next twelve to twenty-four hours. He made it sound as if she might take her own life, and that put even more terror into my heart as I remembered what Autumn had done to herself for something
I
now considered trivial in comparison.
I couldn't speak. but
I
nodded.
I
helped Mommy to bed. Other wives of naval officers began to arrive soon afterward. As if they had all had training in what to do when this happened, they took over our home, helped organize and manage our immediate needs. Of course.
I
appreciated it, but their stoic efficiency made me suspicious. It was as if they all always knew this was gooing to happen. That was ridiculous. of course, but it was part of my dark thinking, thinking I couldn't stop.
.
Daddy's naval funeral was elaborate and impressive, full of tradition. It was a terribly beautiful day, a day that should have been reserved for wonderful, happy events, with the sky so clear blue and the few tiny clouds like small puddles of milk, pure white. The sea breeze was warm and as gentle as a mother's kiss.
Not only was Vice. Admiral Martin in attendance, but the secretary of the Navy was flown down. Three other men had been killed in the accident. It was in the national news for a few days. Officer after officer came to us to tell us how much they had respected and admired Daddy: "He would want you to go on." "Hold yourself up." "Achieve in his name." The laying of responsibility and obligation on my shoulders was their way of helping me cope. Nothing seemed to terrify them more than the sight of my tears. Perhaps it reminded them all how vulnerable they and their families were, and that was something they couldn't tolerate and continue to do what they had to do. Salutes, handshakes, some hugs, everyone in proper uniform and attention, was the order of the day.
I'll never be able to tell anyone how I felt standing at that gravesite and staring at that flagdraped coffin. My daddy can't be in there,
I
thought. This is all just another exercise, a rehearsal, a ceremony. Soon it will end, and Daddy will be back to tell us how well we performed and how proud of us he was.
"I knew you could pull it off well. Sailor Girl." he would tell me.
There he would be, standing as proudly and looking as handsome and exciting as ever, my moviestar Daddy who sailed the sea and flew in the clouds and gave men confidence and hope, who made me cry when I sang the national anthem and said the pledge because I knew how important it was to him and to all the men around him that we feel what they were doing 'vas so very important. It wasn't just my imagination when I saw how children of naval families looked more somber and serious when we had to do this at school. Disrespecting the flag or the anthem was the same as disrespecting your parents. Disrespect eventually put them in danger, which put us all in danger.
These were the thoughts that I had developed as a young girl, but somewhere out there in the dark, over the ocean, in a matter of seconds. Daddy had died tragically and made them all fall back. A great door would come crashing down on this world, the only world I had ever known. The mournful sound of Taps would lift us away, and we would say goodbye to "the life."
In the days that followed Mommy gathered her strength. She told me that at the moment she felt as if Daddy was just away on another sea duty.
"I
keep telling myself he'll be back or we'll hear the phone ring or get a letter," she said. "I know it's silly, and
I
have to stop it."
I wasn't crying anymore. I had drained the well of tears dry. I tried to occupy myself with some of the schoolwork that had been sent home for me, but it was as if
I
had lost part of my mind or that place was now empty and hollow. Words and thoughts drifted aimlessly through it without any purpose.
Trent called, but even the sound of his voice didn't lift me enough to come out of the dark. He tried.
"I
wish
I
had met him." he said.
Yes,
I
thought. I wish you had. I wish Daddy would have been able to come to my room afterward and tease me about you and then take joy in my declaration of loyalty to him, that I could never love anyone more, He
-
would smile and shake his head and say, "You'd better, Sailor Girl. I want grandchildren."
Grandchildren.
If
I
had any, all they would be able to do would be to look at an old photograph. They'd have same curiosity for a moment, and then it would pass, and he would be like any other historical face.
One day about
a
week after the funeral Mommy came to my room to tell me we would be moving. Of course, I had expected it.
"I want you to take your exams as best you can. Grace. Finish the school year at least. It will be important for you when you start somewhere new."
"Where will we go, Mommy?"
She sat on my bed, "I have a good friend who lives in West Palm Beach. Florida," she began. "She was my best friend in high school. We've been talking. She was one of the first people I called. Her name is Dallas Tremont. She and her husband own
a
famous upscale restaurant called the Tremont Inn.
I
thought we would move to West Palm Beach and I would work in her restaurant."
"Work in a restaurant? Doing what?"
I
asked. surprised. "Cooking?"
"No," she said. smiling. "I'm not a gourmet cook by any means. No.
I'll
hostess and waitress."
"Waitress?" I couldn't imagine my mother doing that.
"What else can I do. Grace? I never went to college, honey. I was a Navy bride almost
immediately out of high school. so I'm not qualified to do much more," she said. "Take a lesson from me, and be sure you go to college and develop some sort of career before you get married."
She saw the look of shock and fear on my face. We were leaving the sanctity and comfort of the naval community. We were going out there, beyond the gates. It was almost like going to another country, where my mother would work and not be a Navy wife,
"Don't look so worried, honey. After your exams, we'll pack the car and head south. It will be fun for us this time. We'll take our time, see some sights along the way. Dallas is finding us a nice apartment nearby, and she assures me there are excellent schools for you to attend, maybe even a magnet school. For once you will be somewhere with some real permanence."
I didn't say it. but
I
would be willing to move every week if I could have Daddy back, I didn't have to say it. She knew it.
"One other thing
I
want you to know," she said, looking away. My heart began to race in anticipation. "We told you our intentions, so
I
don't want you thinking about it and worrying.
I
am not pregnant. Maybe my body is smarter than I am." she added. "I don't think
I
could stand having your father's child without him being right there, and taking care of a little baby now seems like a monumental task."
I didn't know what to say. I wasn't happy or sad about it.
I
just nodded and let it go like something that just wasn't meant to remain with me.
There was much for Mommy to do before we left. and I did have to concentrate and do as well on my exams as I could. A few days later I returned to school. I hated it because I could see the pity and even the fear in the faces of many of the other students. Wendi and Penny did their best to be civil to me. but
I
wouldn't let them feel satisfied. I wanted it to lie heavily on their consciences, if they had any consciences.
Of course. Trent was as loving as he could be. I saw the deep disappointment in his face when
I
told him Mommy and I were leaving Norfolk and going to live in West Palm Beach.
"I know of a two-week baseball camp held in Florida during the winter. Maybe I can get my parents to send me there," he said. He didn't know what else to say. We promised to write and call and e-mail each other as much as possible when I did get a computer, but these were promises that came from us like jet-propelled ideas. We knew they would lose their fizz and fall to earth like exhausted rockets.
Remarkably I did well on my tests. Trent said he did better than ever and again thanked me. I knew I hadn't helped him all that much, especially with the other subjects, but he was determined to make it seem as though
I
had been the reason for his improvement in everything. The day we were leaving, he came over to our house to help us pack the car. He was doing much better with his ankle now and just limping a bit, not using a crutch. Some of the other officers' wives came by. too. There was a lot of hugging and kissing and wishing of good luck.
Trent and I stood on the sidelines watching it all as if we were in a movie theater and it was happening to fictional characters. How I wished that were so. The minutes that ticked by were so heavy I could almost feel the movement of the clock's hands inside me. When we looked at each other. the truth was so evident in our faces we could have had it printed on our foreheads: We'll never see each other again. We'll never really know each other, and maybe after a phone call or two, a letter or an e-mail, we'll fall away from each other, drift off and find someone else.
Trent, I thought, you will be forever my first love. All men I meet I will measure against you, even though I don't really know all about you, I'll invent the rest. You will be my perfect beau.
I imagined he thought the same about me. At least we had given each other that much.
We went off to kiss goodbye, to hold each other and make the suitable promises.
Then we walked hand in hand to the car where Mommy was talking with Vice Admiral Martin's wife, who was so nice
I
wondered how she could have a daughter like Penny.
"You'll always be a Navy wife," she told Mommy. It gets into your blood."
"I know," Mommy said. but I could see she didn't believe that or want to believe it. "Well." she said, turning to us. "Time to get on the road. Grace, Trent, I'm sorry we didn't get to know you more."
She held out her hand to him, but when he reached for it she gave him a hug instead,
"Me, too." he said practically in tears. "But I'll stay in touch. Mrs.... Jackie Lee."
She smiled, "I hope so." She looked around as if she wanted to cement everything in her memory forever, and then she slipped into the car and started the engine.
I'm leaving
I
thought
. I'm really leaving, and I'm leaving Daddy behind.
Trent looked at me so sadly it broke my heart. We kissed again, and then
I
got into the car.
He stood there as we pulled away. I turned around to look back at him. He lifted his hand, and then. because
I
had told him about it, saluted the way Daddy and
I
saluted each other. It made me smile and froze a tear under my eye. I didn't want to cry, not now. I didn't want to do anything to make it harder for Mommy.
In a moment we turned a corner, and Trent was gone. I turned around and looked forward.
Our future was all on the road ahead now.
And anyone looking at both of us would see we were of one face: full of fear, full of hope, full of sadness. Both suddenly little girls again.
5
Two Girls Together
.
Mommy tried to keep me busy and keep my
mind off sad things by making me our flight navigator for the trip south. Captain Morgan, the naval officer who had lived next door to us, was from Florida and had written out directions for the fastest route that would bring us to I-95 South. Many of the turns were only half a mile or so apart, so I did have to keep alert. although
I
had a suspicion Mommy had already committed the itinerary to memory. I know that during some of our other trips together without Daddy she gave me a similar responsibility just to keep me from becoming bored.
We had same kind of music playing almost all the time, whether it was a CD or the radio. Whenever we were quiet for long periods of time, I would see Mommy quickly flicking a fugitive tear from just under one of her eyelids. I pretended I didn't notice, because if I didn't pretend, my tears would soon be following hers. Mommy tried to fill the gaps of silence by pointing out different sights along the way, whether it was a beautiful or interesting house or just a patch of trees whose leaves had captured the sun, making them look as if they grew gems on their branches.