If Not For You (7 page)

I put in my earphones, turned on my i-Pod and searched through my playlist until I found the new Justin Timberlake album and hit shuffle. Sexy music, sexy book and sunshine, what could make it more perfect? And with that a waiter, a hot waiter I might add, like there were any ugly staff on this ship, took my drink order and soon returned with my banana daiquiri. Now it was perfect.

After rubbing lotion all over any exposed skin I got comfortable, opened my book took a sip from my drink and started to read while I soaked up the days sun.

There was that feeling again. The feeling that I was being watched, I looked around but everyone seemed too self-involved to be staring. I was seven chapters into my book and had a few more daiquiris under my belt, but I couldn’t fight that strange feeling.

A band was playing on the stage above the pool and some people were dancing nearby. It was noisy with music and laughter, it was crowded and as I scanned over the crowd a waiter stepped in and drew away my attention. Then the feeling was gone.

“Would you care for another daiquiri Miss?” The waiter leaned over to hear me above the music.

“No thank you.” I shook my head in case he didn’t hear.

He nodded to my response and went on to the hoity-toity bunch, which in my opinion had consumed far too much alcohol already; there were kids around after all. They were obnoxious and rude, grinding at each other’s rear ends in their own version of dirty dancing. It was kind of disgusting, like walking in on your parents having sex, that kind of disgusting.

I sat sideways on the lounge and pulled on my t-shirt, took the knot out of my hair and brushed it out. I looked behind me as I loaded everything into my Dakine bag and there he was, Gage. He was dressed in wild patterned neon multi-colored boarding shorts and shirtless. His t-shirt was tucked at the back of his head like a pillow, his one hand holding the back of the lounge above his head, the other lay across his stomach. His legs straddled the lounge, his feet planted firmly on the ground. His hair hung loose tucked behind his ears. The light of day or maybe it was the surrounding ocean, made his blue eyes sunnier and I met his stare.

I slipped into my shorts and gathered up my bag as he shamelessly examined me. I walked over and plopped on the lounge sideways between his legs. Gage jumped to a sitting position, obviously in fear of my ass making contact with his tender parts and I laughed.

“Did your mother never teach you, it’s impolite to stare?” I said.

“Was I staring?” he said with a playful look, biting his lower lip.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself or at least the view.”

“The view is magnificent actually. I was enjoying it very much thanks,” he said in his usual bad ass sensual tone, and I was forced to look over my shoulder to see who he was enjoying so much.

“I meant you,” he said, furrowing his brow and running his finger down my arm.

I’ll admit it. At that moment I was taken aback, thrown for a loop. I didn’t expect him to say that, I didn’t expect this beautiful man to refer to me as ‘magnificent.’ No sir, not in a million years.

“Oh please. Be serious,” I joked, slapping his thigh with a snort. “It was the cute little blonde in the red bikini, right?”

“No. You,” he said seriously. “I was watching you.”

“Are you sick? Is this one of those hidden camera things?” I looked around.

Gage’s face became stern, his eyes narrowed and he took me by the chin and turned me to look at him. “You don’t see what I see, Tandy. I see a beautiful woman sitting in front of me, a beautiful woman.”

His lips closed over mine, smoldered there for several long moments before he broke away, leaving me breathless as well as a little worked up. He had the softest lips, warm and moist and if that kiss were a preview of more to come, then bring it on!

“I shouldn’t have done that, I apologize.” he said looking away reaching for his shirt, which had fallen behind him when he had sat up.

I touched my fingertips to my lips still feeling the scalding sensation, wishing his lips were still there, wanting them to return when he stood and pulled me to my feet.

“Forget I did that, okay?” he pressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and bending to pick up my bag that had fallen to the ground.

What did he say? Forget about it? Brush it off? Sweep it under the rug? Was he nuts? He had nerve. I think I felt offended to say the least. A hollow sick feeling rioted up in my belly. That empty pang of dismissal that rages to the surface and screams rejection. Rejection was such a bitter pill to swallow.

“Sure, no problem,” I bit out coldly.

There had been a definite stirring down below, a waking heat. I wasn’t sure how to handle myself. Taking my hand he forced me to walk with him, which wasn’t making it any easier. I was horny, confused and pissed as hell, what a lethal combination!

We stepped into the elevator together, I looked straight ahead, not too sure what was going on. The silence weighed heavy and I was about to burst when the doors opened and we stepped out into the light of the Lido deck.

“What are we doing here?” I demanded. The man had just kissed me, then told me he shouldn’t have then dragged me away to the Lido deck.

“We’re going to play golf, mini golf,” he said like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t nearly set me a blaze, like there wasn’t a puddle formed in my panties. It had to be a male thing. He was crazy.

“Okay.”

This guy was so trying to cover up what had happened, I guessed it would be my job not to let him.

We were handed golf clubs and balls and given a brief outline of the mini course. A flip of a coin gave Gage the first putt, I watched as he hit his ball and it disappeared into the hole, now it was my turn.

“Are you going to tell me why you kissed me?” I asked, as I leisurely lined up my shot.

“I thought we were going to forget that happened,” he said as I tapped my ball into the hole and we moved on to the next.

“Can’t do that, I’m like an elephant I never forget. You may want me to, but I won’t,” I said, just as he tapped his ball and it bounced off in the wrong direction, to my delight he seemed to be somewhat distracted.

“Did you want to try that again, Gage? I think I may have thrown you off,” I said a little on the sarcastic side. I was angry, stupid angry, like women tended to get. I wanted him to kiss me again and again until he couldn’t get enough of me.

“No, it’s your shot,” he said, dismissing me yet again. I lined up my shot and my ball rolled over the tiny incline and into the hole. He stepped in front of me as I was about to move along.

“Tandy, I shouldn’t have kissed you, it was wrong just leave it at that.” He looked at me and I could see torment tearing at him. I almost felt sorry for him, almost.

“Well it sure as hell didn’t feel wrong to me,” I blurted out.

He tugged at the neck of his t-shirt as if it were too tight. “Look it’s been a really long time…I can’t let it happen, that’s not why I’m here… I mean…you just looked so fucking good…it can’t happen again, it won’t happen again.” He stumbled over his words but never took his eyes off mine, he was intent on making me comprehend what he was saying.

I looked good to him? I looked good to him.
That was a nice thought but I understood what he was saying, that there just wasn’t going to be anything between us. He got carried away in the moment, perhaps it was heat stroke or something. Sure I was disappointed, but disappointment was a part of me, I could deal. I had in the past and I would again in the future.

“Friends?” I put my hand out to him like some kind of contract negotiation and he smiled taking my hand in his and shook.

“Friends.”

“Well friend, I don’t know about you but I could use a drink…come on I’ll let you buy me one,” I said, trying my best to pull off that not-a-big-deal façade.

“What about the game?” he asked, as I walked away, abandoning my club and ball at the third hole and he did the same looking at the attendant with a shrug and smile.

“Oh, honey, you know as well as I do, that I was going to kick your ass anyway. Why prolong the inevitable?” I teased, peering over my shoulder at Gage, with a pitiful look on my face and he laughed.

I’d never get enough of those dimples.

“You weren’t going to kick my ass, sweetheart, I was letting you win.”

“Bullshit!” I laughed out loud and he had to join me, knowing too well that I would have wiped the floor clean with him.

“If we go down to the Riviera Grill, we can have dinner with that drink,” Gage suggested, I was very much in agreement, steak and a cold beer suited me just fine.

The grill was busy. We waited for a table while enjoying a beer at the bar.

“What do you do for a living?” I asked, interested to know all about my new friend.

“Um…security,” his answer was vague, not unlike his answers at our first meeting during dinner.

“What kind of security?”

“Private security,” he revealed.

I pictured him in a black suit, with black glasses and an earpiece tucked in his ear with a microphone hidden in his palm, like the guys that guard the President. Too funny when I thought about his blond surfer hair in that whole mix, I honestly had to reexamine that idea. “That sounds exciting.”

“Not really. What do you do?”

“I’m a paralegal, an out of work paralegal at the moment,” I said, hopefully I would rectify that after my surgery.

“Brains and Beauty,” he said, and I had to laugh, but noticed that he didn’t, he just watched me with a blank stare. He didn’t share my sense of humor, didn’t get that I had a tendency to hide behind jokes and laughter when it came to matters of my appearance.

“What part of the US are you from? Mr. Don’t-give-away-too-much.” I asked, sarcastically.

“Very funny, I live in New York, for now that I,” he spun his beer mug, “my living arrangements may change when I get back.”

“Me too.”

“What, you may be moving too?”

“No smart ass. I’m from New York.” He didn’t seem surprised by my answer; I thought perchance he’d be happy that we could still be friends after the cruise. Guess I was wrong.

“Don’t worry. I won’t look you up after the cruise. I’m not into stalking,” I promised, giving the Girl Guide salute and he laughed.

“You never know, we may run into each other one day when you least expect it. New York isn’t that big.”

I raised my brows and laughed. “Sure New York, tiny little New York.” And he couldn’t help but laugh too.

After we devoured the best steak I’d had in years, a heap of fries each and a few more beers than planned we took a walk on the Promenade deck, yeah I know, the lovers deck, yada, yada, yada. Gage didn’t say much and I was just enjoying being with him. We both snickered like school kids when we came upon our newlyweds, at it like usual on a bench groping at each other and moaning aloud. I had to wonder if they ever came up for air.

“I guess that’s love,” I said, not knowing what else to say, the situation was a bit uncomfortable.

I didn’t even know their names, we were never formally introduced, I couldn’t even tell you what they looked like when they weren’t conjoined like Siamese twins. To be that in love, I’d be interested in seeing them in ten years. Would they still stare into each other’s eyes and hang on every word, lips locked and hands meandering all over. Only time would tell, I secretly wished them luck, hoping for the best.

There was an awkward silence when Gage stared at me with no response to what I had said. I swallowed and looked away out to the shoreline, far off in the distance.

“Have you ever been in love, Tandy?” His question came right out of left field, caught me totally off guard and I must have looked like a frightened deer in headlights.

“No…well, I thought I was once…but as it turned out, he was only in love with the idea of getting into my pants. So when he discovered it wasn’t going to happen, poof! He was gone.”

“What an asshole.”

“Oh yeah, he was a real Prince Charming.” I thought back for a moment.

Richard Fairmount had treated me like gold, held doors, pulled out my chair for me, always asked what I wanted to do first, silly little things that fooled me into thinking he gave a shit. Then when he pinned me down in the front seat of his car and wrestled trying to slip his hand into the waist of my pants, I sharply told him it wasn’t going to happen, he got so angry. He called me a cock tease and left me on the side of the road, alone without a dime to get home. The walk was long and by the time I got home and had spent every tear, I was raging mad and vowed never to talk to him again. The thing was he never tried.

“No one else? A beautiful woman like you, surely they’re lined up at your door?”

“No one else and no lines. I’ve had a few dates but nothing real, certainly nothing serious.” Why was I telling this man, practically a stranger, about my love life or lack thereof? Was I crazy? Gage was easy to talk to though, his questions were direct and he didn’t seem to have an agenda.

“You’re lying, tell the truth,” he scolded with a knitted brow, walking over to the rail and leaning his butt against it with his arms crossed over his chest and a stance of demand.

“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth,” I joked.

“Seriously.”

“Between the fact that my job takes up most of my day and the fact that my father is an overly protective bastard, not too many men stick around for long. I don’t get many opportunities to see anyone. Besides, big girls only get asked out for one reason.”

I looked at Gage with a you-know look and he frowned, “That’s not true.”

“Yes true, so true. I get asked out, wined, dined and groped, then dumped when I say no. Do you seriously not believe me?” Did he think that for a minute I would make up something like that? And why the hell was I telling him any of this anyway?

“You’re a guy? Tell me how many women you’ve been with that wouldn’t put out and you
didn’t
dump? Think about it and be honest, Gage.”

Shaking his head he said, “I’m not proud of it but I’ve been an asshole, at one time or another we’re all assholes. But that’s sex, not love.” His eyes dropped to the floor obviously in thought.