If Not For You (20 page)

“Don’t say it! Don’t worry about it Tandy, really.” He smiled and tipped his cup to his lips and then stopped. He leaned forward setting his cup on the table and visibly bit the tip of his tongue before asking. “Did it turn you on?”

I scowled at him and made no effort to answer, he was getting his kicks at my expense and really starting to piss me off. He pulls his pecker, I got spotted watching like some kind of pervert and he’s getting off on it by asking stupid questions. Of course it turned me on! But I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“You’re not going to answer?” he teased, clearly with no intention of letting up until he got what he wanted. The man was vicious.

“Why? You’re being cruel again…why would you ask me something like that?” I said, crossing my arms over my chest, emphasizing my defiance.

“I’m not trying to be cruel, sweetheart. I’m asking a simple question because I want to know.” Straight faced and eyes fixed on mine, he waited.

“Okay fine! Yes, it turned me on…so?” I demanded, and he smiled, grabbed his coffee and sat back in his seat.

“What’s it like to be a virgin?” he asked, and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head and my mouth fell open.

“What is this, truth or dare? Twenty-nasty-fucking-questions? Are we in high school?” I asked, stood up and leaned against the rail.

Looking out at the churning waves the ship caused as it moved through the dark blue ocean waters I could picture being dragged under the waves whitecaps and whisked away with the undertow. Then I wouldn’t have to be subjected to smart ass’s maddening questions.

“I’ve never asked a woman,” he cleared his throat, “Intimate questions.”

“And you choose to ask me? Might I remind you, the virgin, the big V, the no experience gal? What possible insight could I give you?”

“Well who knows better what it’s like to be a virgin, than a virgin? Come on, I’ll let you ask me whatever you want.”

“Okay, what’s it like to be
with
a virgin?” I asked trying to side track the interrogation, possibly veering the topic to something a lot less about me and the big V, and a lot more to him and something extremely embarrassing.

“So far, I kinda like it,” he laughed, and I would have slapped him had I been a bit closer, and not so interested in my coffee scolding him.

“Oh, ha ha ha! So not what I meant, Gage. What is it like to take a woman’s virginity? To be the first, you know
the one
?” I really wanted to know a males point of view. What the big deal was and why men seemed to balk at the idea.

“Wouldn’t know. I’ve never been with a virgin that I know of, can’t say I met one until I met you. So I’ve never been
The One
!” He made quotation marks in the air with two fingers on each hand and I couldn’t help but smile.

I thought about how to answer Gage. He had been honest with me; the least I could do was be honest with him. What was I supposed to say though? It felt like it felt. It was like being me. I returned to the table and sat back staring into my coffee, pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and thought for a minute.

“It’s hard to explain. It’s like a secret I can’t tell anyone because I know I’ll be the brunt of everyone’s jokes. People can’t believe it at first and ask what’s wrong with me, and they make me feel like a freak. You’d think that men would be lining up to take a turn at bat, but it seems like a real turn off. They head for the hills like it’s too much work. Like it’s too much to handle.”

Gage pondered what I said and only nodded his head in acknowledgment. I don’t think he understood, I busied myself by refilling our coffee cups.

“Why
are
you a virgin? I mean, why hang on to it if it’s such a burden, is it really that special?” he asked, stirring creamer into his cup and studying me. He was completely into the whole interrogation thing. He was like a student absorbing the answer into his brain like a sponge. He was clearly not making fun anymore, and I was feeling more comfortable with Gage’s questions.

“Special? The first time is supposed to be or should be. It’s a special kind of intimacy…I guess I haven’t found that someone yet. And then there’s my father, who made sure no one was getting into his daughter’s pants.”

“How did he manage that, a chastity belt?” he laughed, and I couldn’t help joining him. A picture of me sitting here in a medieval iron chastity belt, with a large heart shaped lock dangling on the front came to mind.

“You’d have to meet him. He’s a real piece of work. He didn’t allow me to date until I was eighteen. If he didn’t like the guy, which was damned near all of them, they were out on their ass with a warning to stay away. You learn quickly that you don’t disobey my father.”

Gage was listening, but oddly enough wasn’t reacting.

“And presto, you get a virgin.” I made a hand sweep gesture with both hands from head to toe, like the prize reveal on a game show, complete with a cheesy grin. Gage smiled that wonderful dimpled smile holding my gaze.

“I think it’s admirable that you’ve held on to it for so long,” he said, suddenly far too serious for me.

“Admirable? Virginity is fairly easy to hang on to when no one wants to touch you. Men want runway models, tall, skinny, blonde, with perfect everything. Not a chunky, smart mouthed, overly protected, plain Jane type.”

“
That
I don’t believe for one minute. I have one fuck of a tough time keeping my hands off you. Speaking as a man, I don’t want some skinny bitch that only eats lettuce and calls shopping for shoes a fun time. I want a woman with curves, someone I can hold onto, someone I don’t have to worry about being a little rough with,” he winked, “if you know what I’m saying.”

Rough sounded intriguing, what kind of rough was he talking about? BDSM rough? A shudder ran up my spine thinking about all the kinky fuckery stuff I read in my novels and discussed with John, surely not. Then I remembered he heard me.

“I think I do.” I could feel my face heating to a shade more crimson. “By the way…you don’t always keep your hands to yourself Mister.”

“Hey I only made a move once and I apologized for that.” Gage said defensively.

“You can’t apologize for what you do in your sleep.” I pursed my lips together holding back a strong urge to laugh, the expression of pure shock on Gage’s bad ass face was priceless. I really knocked him for six. God he’s hot!

“What do I do in my sleep?” he asked, with a furrowed brow and a tiny bit of disbelief in his sultry tone.

“For me to know and you to find out,” It was one of those nah, nah, nah childish moments and
my
turn to have fun.

“Hey, if I’ve done something unacceptable, I should know about it.”

“Never said it was unacceptable. Sometimes you get a little touchy-feely and overly friendly.” The smile on my face was giving me away, and the fact that I liked it, maybe too much.

“Maybe I better sleep on the sofa,” he teased, pulling his lip between his teeth and smiling.

“I don’t think so. We’ve handled things fine so far. I like waking up with you beside me.” I boldly admitted. I didn’t want him on my sofa. I wouldn’t feel his touch from clear across the room.

“I’d still be here, just with a bit of distance between us.”

“Are you scared the big bad V might bite?” I teased back, I could give as well as him with the playful banter. It all added to the fun I had when I was around Gage.

“As a matter of fact, V’s can be pretty scary.” He wiggled his brow and laughed and cleared away our cups for the stewards return. It took a good minute for me to get the double entendre. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Question for you?” I asked, since we were getting so personal I was curious and now seemed like the perfect time for the nosey bitch to come out and really play.

“Go ahead,” he said.

“When was the last time you had sex?” Yep, I put it out there!

Gage asked very personal things and said I could ask anything, this was my anything. The good, the bad or the ugly, I wanted to know.

“Just over three years,” he said without hesitation, he didn’t have to think at all, like he had a calendar and was ticking off the days. It was as if he knew I would ask.

Three years? Holy shit! How in the hell could a guy go for so long without it. I remembered a boy in high school telling me that if he didn’t get it he’d be in pain and agony, some crap about how he could die even, of course we were fifteen when he came up with that one. He was as horny as a whip and I wasn’t giving in.

“Get out of here! And it hasn’t fallen off yet?” I was stunned, virtually flummoxed.

“Damned near,” he laughed.

“Who’s the virgin now? Seems I have a friend suffering from the big V too,” I said, as I got up from the table and went inside with the intention of getting dressed and going for breakfast.

Gage followed and stopped me in my tracks, grabbing onto my hips and pulling me against his chest. He snuggled his face into my neck and trailed his lips to the lobe of my ear and whispered.

“From one frustrated virgin to another…let’s hope the suffering ends soon.”

He had me breathless and my panties damp after those little words of inspiration. I swatted him away playfully and looked back at him as I strode into the bedroom. The look on his face was intense, with a burning in his eyes as he kept following me, staying close. In one fell swoop he had me on my back on the bed, laying on top of me, staring into my eyes.

“You know?” he whispered, his hot breath on my face and the smell of coffee and coconut; a strange but wonderful combination, had me near panting. “We could help each other.”

I could feel his arousal pushing into my thigh and the thought of tearing our clothes off and devouring each other was delightful, but I needed to ask one thing.

“Why?”

“I think that’s obvious, sweetheart,” he replied burying his face between my breasts and lingering kisses up my chest to my throat. He was enticing me with his soft lips and morning stubble. I was ready to hand my virginity over to him, sealed in a package with a hand tied ribbon and a pair of scissors.

“No. Why three years?” I asked, running my hand through his silky hair, brushing it away from his face to get a better look when he answered the question.

But he didn’t answer. Gage merely ended his sexual quest, rolled off of me and laying back on the bed with his arm over his eyes. I rolled onto my side and pulled his arm away.

“Hey, can’t be that bad?” I said, looking at his closed eyes, surely it couldn’t be.

“I’ve been away,” he said.

“Away?” I must have been dumb as a stump because I just wasn’t getting it. “Where sex is banned?” I laughed.

His eyes opened and he gave me a miserable all telling gaze.

It was then that it hit me, the stupid ass that I was. I worked at a law firm and I had to ask? Away, meant
away
. As in jail, the big house, behind bars, locked away. Gage was an ex-con, what the fuck had I let myself get into.

“Jail, you were in jail?” I asked, but I knew. Now I had to ask the next obvious question. “What for?”

Gage wasn’t shocked that I had figured it out, but by his quiet reaction, he was panicked that I had. He rolled to the side of the bed and nervously sat up with his elbows on his knees and his fingers weaved together and I made no attempt to move closer or sooth him. I should have been running screaming, but I learned long ago to listen and then draw a conclusion. Everyone deserved a chance to defend themselves.

“You probably hear it all the time, but I was innocent. I didn’t do it, I mean I did it, but it wasn’t my idea. Got into a bad situation and before I knew it, I was in too deep to get out…I swear, it’s the truth.” He shook his head and turned to look at me with pleading eyes, eyes I saw every day at work.

“What did you do time for?”

“Documentation forgery and counterfeiting.” It sounded almost impressive when he said it.

“White collar, I’m slightly relieved,” I told him, like the off duty paralegal that I was. Searching out information was my job and I did it well. “So what part did you play?”

I hadn’t had the opportunity to investigate many white collar crimes. They were nasty to the party that took the loss but basically harmless, meaning that no one usually got hurt. Physically that is. One of my favorite TV shows was White Collar, but the hottie on that show forged and stole art, and it wasn’t real. This was all too real.

“I did the actual forging; unfortunately I’m very good at what I do…did,” He corrected himself and then stood up, reached out and pulled me onto his lap. “I swear to god Tandy, I learned my lesson, I did my time, all of it and I’m working hard for…I got my full pardon, re-educated in criminal law and licensed, I was given a second chance to redeem myself and I’m not going to blow it, please believe me? I did a really crazy thing, I was young and stupid, and I let myself get pulled into an immoral world. Three years of my life are already wasted, and I have no intention of wasting anymore. What we have…our friendship means a lot to me, it would kill me to think that my fucked up past tore us apart.”

I took a deep breath and let it escape my lips slowly, Gage’s revelation playing hard in my mind, but he looked so sad, so riddled with guilt, a man fighting with the demons from his past. He had done his time, yes, someone had confidence enough to hire him and offer him a new start. If the justice system gave him a pardon why shouldn’t I?

Gage had me by the heart, yanking at the strings and strumming them like a guitar. I was falling for him, falling hard and fast. As if I were a saint, hiding the fact that I had a ticking time bomb in my head and telling him nothing.

“Gage I need to tell you something.” Were words about to slip out? Was I about to make my own revelation? I couldn’t, I bit my lip and smiled blinking back tears that I had no intention of shedding.

“I’m hungry.” I said and tried to wiggle loose, only to find him increasing his hold.

“What were you going to tell me Tandy?” he asked.

“That I’m hungry Gage, just hungry.”

We went to breakfast and sat awkwardly, neither one of us wanting to say more. The honeymooner’s shared an omelet, kisses and touches under the table, like we didn’t know what was going on.