If Not For You (19 page)

“Gage,” I said, in a whisper.

“I’m here Tandy, I’m getting help.” He assured me, but help was the last thing I wanted, help always meant a Hospital.

“No Hospital,” I begged, with a bit of force.

“Sweetheart, you need help,” Gage sounded panicked and I felt terrible for him, but no Hospital could help me, I just needed him to do as I asked.

“Please Gage. Just take me back to the ship.” Tears escaped from my closed eyes and the touch of Gage’s fingers as he swept them away was soothing. I felt safe and the fear was subsiding.

“Okay, but you need to talk to me and I’m not taking no for an answer.” He had a determination in his voice he wasn’t going to be dissuaded. I had a decision to make. I could either let him in or take a step away and block him out of my life. For now I needed him to take care of me and get me back to the ship.

Once in my room, Gage brought me my pills, a glass of water, a cool cloth and nestled me onto my side on the bed under a blanket. When he was satisfied he had done all he could at that moment, he sat on the beds edge and held my hand in his, stroking his thumb over my knuckles. I faded back into blackness.

For the short time that he knew me, he showed me more tenderness than I had known in all my life. His concern felt genuine and I valued or friendship, whether it grew to be more or remained as it was, I was so glad to have him in my life.

When I woke Gage was gone, I wasn’t sure what to think, what to do, and my heart sank. A new fear crept into my very soul, would he walk out of my life if I told him the truth? Could I even begin to lie to him? In the stretch that I knew him, we had grown so close. But would he understand? Would he treat me differently? Would I see his commanding bad ass presence be replaced by a man full of pity and sorrow when I looked into his eyes?

Could
I
handle it? That was the real question.

I sat up and looked around the empty room. Just as I was about to climb from my bed, the door opened and Gage stepped in. His hair was wet, obviously from a recent shower and he was wearing black sweatpants and a black t-shirt with the Dakine logo on it.

His jaw was set hard, the muscles flinched as he glared. His chest rose with a deep intake of air and his eyes disappeared behind his lashes. When he looked up again, recomposed, I saw sadness, that pitiful fearful look on his face, like the one I had on the day the Doctor told me the news. Did he know? My heart started to race. I begged with all my will that he would turn around and leave, walk away, close the door and I could just close my eyes and be alone again.

“I’m sorry I ruined our day in Mumbai,” I squeaked, barely audible.

“Fuck Mumbai.” he said dipping his hand into his pocket and bringing in to view a familiar container.

He threw my bottle of pills onto the bed and I drew in a deep breath as our eyes met. I opened my mouth but closed it again, I had nothing to say, I couldn’t bring myself to utter a single syllable. Words were beyond me, but the silence was killing me too.

“I did a little research. You can tell me it’s none of my fucking business, but that medication you take is pretty potent stuff, and from what I read…your condition, whatever that is, is pretty bad.”

I looked everywhere but at Gage. I felt the bed dip beside me and Gage took my hand in his.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, just don’t fucking lie to me. I care about you, sweetheart, I’m worried about you.” Gage’s words sounded sincere and when his lips brushed against my knuckles I threw my arms around his neck and held on as tight as I could, his arms wrapped around me and held just as tightly.

“Gage, I want to tell you…I really do, but I can’t…I just can’t,” I said between sobs, my tears soaking into the neckline of his shirt.

After what felt like an hour of endless tears and Gage whispering shhh against my ear, the room went silent. I could hear the beat of Gage’s heart and the corresponding rhythm of my own.

I loosened my bear hug on his neck, feeling his arms loosen too and then Gage laid me back on the bed and closed his lips over mine. His hand caressed my cheek and ran a trail down between my breasts, across my stomach to my waist, he pulled me against his hip and moaned into my mouth as his tongue licked across my lips and delved into my waiting mouth, our tongues twirled together, my moan matching his and we were both gasping for air.

Gage unexpectedly released me, sat up and bolted to the sliding door and out onto the balcony. A cool void was left were the heat from his body had just moments ago been, leaving me breathless and confused. I walked over to the door and stood watching Gage as he dealt with his silent demons, his hands held tight to the rail with his head slung down and his hips pushed back. I walked out and placed a hand on his shoulder causing him to jump.

“Gage, what’s wrong?” I asked, almost scared.

“So many things are wrong.”

“What things?”

“Are you serious?” He turned to face me and my heart nearly burst from my chest when I saw fear. “You’re sick, you won’t talk about it, I’m worried out of my mind about you…I shouldn’t be here…you’re a fucking virgin and then I fucking try to take advantage!”

“You didn’t take advantage of me, Gage.” I promised him and rested my cheek against his chest. He set his chin on top of my head and held me tight. Gage held me for so long without a word. It felt good, it felt right. But I still couldn’t tell him.

“I’m asking you to trust me for now, give me time,” I put my hand to his cheek and stared into his eyes, “trust me?”

It took him several minutes to wrestle with what I asked. I was asking a lot after all, asking him to ignore a medical issue like it didn’t exist and act like it was minor.

“I won’t pry and you don’t have to tell me a thing, but there has to be something I can do,” he pleaded sincerely.

“There are a few things you can do actually,” I said, wiping a tear from my cheek and daringly carrying on.

“One, don’t treat me like an invalid. Two, don’t treat me any different, I’m not contagious and I won’t break and Three,”

“Three?” Gage pressed when I stopped.

“Stay with me tonight. I’m not asking you to have sex with me, I just need you here with me…I’ve never said this to anyone before but…I don’t want to be alone.”

“I’ll stay with you the rest of the cruise if that’s what you want, I won’t let you be alone. I don’t want to be away from you for a minute either, I,” he stopped himself and I melded into his arms, “I’ll stay.”

“You don’t have to stay the entire cruise. I just don’t want to be alone tonight,” I confessed.

Once things settled back to what seemed normal, we went back inside. Gage ordered an ice cream Sunday from room service and I tried but couldn’t manage to eat. We sat out and watched the sunset but I just got weaker by the minute, being forced to give in and go to bed. Gage helped me get changed, quite a feat seeing as his eyes were closed and I was too physically challenged to stand. But we laughed through it and I ended up in bed with the pair of us wrapped around each other.

The next few days were spent in bed resting, Gage rarely leaving my side. With each morning came the new day’s challenge of keeping ourselves to ourselves. With Gage’s morning wood pressing into my rear end and his hot breath on the back of my neck, I was having major control issues, big time! Gage confessed
his
problem with control issues? Gage didn’t know control.

I had to wrestle with my own demons as well as his when it came to keeping my hands to myself. He suffered from a severe case of roving hands syndrome, his hands roved over my breasts kneading them in his sleep. So often to the point I was just letting it happen, rather enjoying it while holding back the urge to strip him naked and lick every mouthwatering inch of him.

I knew restraint like he
never
would.

***

Each night I would send the old man an email. I would tell him what he wanted to hear. She had meals
alone
, spent time by the pool
alone
, went to shows and had early nights
alone
. I felt bad for lying, but the closer I was getting to Tandy, the farther I wanted to be from the old man’s nosy questioning. I so badly wanted to heave the laptop into the ocean and be done. The fact that I owed Mr. M for my freedom and the chance at a new start, kept me doing his dirt.

I truly felt like slime. Lying to Tandy was totally out of the question. I would never lie to her, but she could never know the truth either.

Every morning when I woke next to her, guilt would pull me from my need to haul her into my arms and make love to her. That unmistakable demand was getting agonizingly stronger each day. Tandy’s warm perfume scented skin and heat that she radiated, caused my mind to delve into forbidden images. Erotic visions of romping naked between the sheets, of my tongue roving over her entire body, tasting her flesh and making her moan out loud, only grew stronger.

Cold showers and jacking off were seriously not satisfying my urges and maintaining control was getting more and more difficult. Maybe it was time to move to the sofa and create a distance?

Hell no
, I would think to myself each night, as I climbed into the bed next to her, her intoxicating scent reeling me in.

Day 35

I woke breathless with my back arching and my butt cheeks molding over Gage’s erection. His large strong fingers gripping my hip, roughly pulling me into him and the inimitable sound of him moaning out loud as I lay there fighting those fucking demons, again!

“Gage,” I whispered, turning over to see he was dreaming in his sleep.

His eyes fluttered rapidly beneath closed lids. His lips slightly parted enough for soft moans to escape. It was some dream he was having. He stirred and rolled over to face away from me. This morning ritual was driving me insane. I spooned up against him, kissed the back of his neck and he hummed my name.

“Ahh…Tandy.”

Tucking further into his warmth, I closed my eyes, fading back to sleep. When I woke again Gage was gone. The sound of the shower running alerted me that he was still here and I felt relieved. It was ridiculous that I was growing needy of his constant companionship.

I reached over for the phone and placed an order to room service for coffee and then curiously moved closer to the bathroom entrance. Standing near the doorway that separated the shower area from the bedroom, I could see Gage’s sleek form through the film of condensation coating the glass door of the shower.

My jaw dropped when I saw Gage’s outstretched arm on the tile wall with his head tilted forward and his other hand stroking his cock in a steady rhythm. The site of him pleasuring himself was so erotic, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. When he found his release I heard him moan softly and I heard myself match that moan. Gage’s head turned in my direction and I ran over to the bed, jumping in before he saw.

Gage strolled over to the bed side a few minutes later. I could feel his silent stare and stretched my arms over my head pretending to stir from a great night’s sleep. Yawning and making a moaning sound, I tried desperately to hide the fact that I had been watching him. I looked up to see Gage standing staring at me with a towel wrapped low on his hips and a yummy smile on his face.

“Did you enjoy that, sweetheart?” he asked, rolling his bottom lip under his teeth and smiling.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, playing the silly, dizzy bitch role.

“Like watching, baby?” Gage asked with no shame or guilt. He seemed to have enjoyed me watching as much as I enjoyed watching him.

I pulled the sheet over my head, embarrassed that I was caught. The bed dipped and Gage pried the sheet from my grip. He lay beside me propping his head on his hand and grinned.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m not. A guy’s gotta do what a guys’ gotta do,” he chimed.

“I could just die, I’m sorry…it was just,” I stumbled over my words and pulled the sheet over my face again, only to have Gage rip it away.

“It was just what?” he asked, with an amused look. He was getting off on my embarrassment.

“Nothing,” I snapped, “never mind.”

“Was it hot? Did it turn you on?” His voice was low and gruff and definitely turning me on. He needed to stop and he needed to stop now.

“Stop Gage, you’re being cruel.”

“I’m being cruel?” He threw his head back laughing.

“Yes you’re being cruel, making fun of me, stop it.”

“I’m not making fun of you and I’m not being cruel…cruel is the fact that I have to do that, because lying next to you is driving me fucking crazy. Cruel is reminding me that we’re just friends. Cruel is, how beautiful you are and how much I want you but can’t have you…that’s cruel!”

He leaned forward, his lips only inches from mine and then rolled off the bed and back into the bathroom.

I swallowed hard after listening to Gage’s true confessions. I let out a slow breath that I didn’t even know I had been holding. Just then a knock at the door made me leap from the bed. I threw on my robe to let the steward in with our coffee. Directing him to take it to the balcony, he nodded as he passed and set out everything he needed onto the table. I gave him a generous tip and after he left, I poured my coffee and waited nervously for Gage to join me.

I couldn’t help but look over to see if my neighbor was out. I hadn’t seen him in days, hadn’t heard a thing either. Curiosity was a funny thing and made me do all kinds of things I wouldn’t normally do. Like trying to check out the guy next door or watching a man in the shower jacking off.

Oh boy!
I laughed.

“Coffee, great,” Gage said, pouring a cup.

I didn’t know where to look, all I envisioned was his hand rhythmically stroking up and down his engorged endowment, first light and teasingly and then with more urgency and I wanted to jump off the balcony. I was now looking at him in a different light, his image engraved in my mind, that delicious tantilizing image.

“Gage, I’m so sor…”