If Not For You (37 page)

“If I said I needed you to,” My words were slurred and my eyes became nearly too heavy to keep open, I wouldn’t be able to fight it much longer, “would you stay?”

“I’ll be back in the morning, after you get some sleep and sober up. We need to talk and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep my hands off you if I stay.”

“I still don’t want you to g…” but I was out like a light, in an alcohol induced coma.

Day 20

The smell of coffee and the sound of voices in the other room woke me from my dream.

A dream so intense I was feeling shaky and breathless. A dream that brought both Gage and Philippe into my bed, two pairs of hands caressing my skin, dipping into me, touching me, feeling me, two sets of lips exploring and delving into every possible crevice and two cocks pushing inside my wet waiting sex, ass and mouth, as I moaned with pleasure…it was then that the voices pulled me away.

I drew the tie of the robe a little tighter when I walked in the room and discovered Gage and Philippe having a conversation and sharing coffee. I noted Philippe’s signature white uniform had been replaced with khaki shorts and a green lose fitting t-shirt and he smiled when he saw me enter.

“Good Morning,” he said, and Gage turned to see my surprise.

“Hi.” I answered pensively. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Phil’s day off.” Gage said.

“I thought I’d bring you your coffee and apologize for last night.” Philippe looked sheepishly from me to Gage and back again, and I smiled when I remembered poor drunk Philippe grinding on poor drunken me.

“You don’t need to apologize to me man, in fact I need to thank you for last night,” Gage said, putting a hand out to Philippe.

“Thank him for what?” I asked the pair as they shook hands.

“For helping me find you. I came back to the ship and when I couldn’t find you, I texted Phil here, and he told me you were sharing a moment at the bar.”

“What?” We were not
sharing
a moment, what did he mean a moment? I was ready to burst into a line of defense.

“I’m kidding. He said he took you dancing, all innocent I’m sure…well you two were pretty drunk and that was very
unusual
dancing you two were doing, but it wasn’t going to go anywhere.” He slapped Philippe on the back and he nodded his head.

Philippe handed me a black box with a gold ribbon tied around it, “I’m sorry I got carried away Miss Tandy,” he leaned in and whispered, “I sure enjoyed your company. I got you something special, consider it a kind of peace offering.”

“No harm done. I had a great time, it was fun, well what I remember was fun. Thank you for the gift, you shouldn’t have.” I said, still trying to separate the night’s events from my morning’s dream.

“What happens in Vegas, eh?” Philippe said, with a smile and a hand shake. “We’re still friends?”

“My lips are sealed, friend,” I laughed, and gave him a hug whispering, “thanks for everything.”

As Gage showed Philippe to the door, I filled my coffee cup and sat with my legs curled under me on the sofa. I almost guzzled the hot liquid down, wishing for it to take affect and rid me of the wishy-washy feeling in my stomach, or was it a terrible case of butterflies knowing that the talk was coming?

Gage looked at the gift before asking,
“
What’s in the box?”

I shrugged and untied the ribbon, lifted off the top and we stared at each other when we saw the contents. A gold vibrator and two gold balls sitting in black velvet cut outs, with a note tucked inside.

Enjoy alone or with a friend, you should enjoy the orgasm balls very much. Have fun! Love Philippe.

“Should I ask?”

“I’ll tell you later,” I giggled, closing up the box and setting it aside to concentrate on my cup.

“I ordered breakfast, it should be here soon,” he sat and reached over to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, “how do you feel?”

“Like shit.” I would have wrote it off to sea sickness had the ship been rocking causing the queasy feeling in my stomach, but the ship cut through the waters like a hot knife through butter, barely noticeable at all.

“We’ll get some food in you and you’ll feel better. Why don’t you go have your shower?” Gage suggested with an impassive gaze. When I noticed his gloomy state I decided to go and give us a bit more time, give Gage some space.

“Yeah, I think I will.” I turned before walking into the bathroom and saw Gage still watching me, was he still pissed with me, or was it fatigue from worry? I couldn’t tell. His mood was different, anguished somehow.

“Thanks for holding my hair,” I said, and went for my shower before he could say anything.

Wanting terribly to rehearse what I was going to say, I stood with my head under the streaming water, opened my eyes and watched as the water cascaded off of my chin and formed a river between my breasts, then streamed to the shower floor from my belly like a rope of pearls.

Like so many times before, I couldn’t think of what to say. It was like staring at a television screen when programming ended for the day and that annoying white noise began. I was going to have to wing it. I was a paralegal for God’s sake. I gathered information, sorted it and rewrote it for lawyers and I couldn’t tell the man I loved that I had a brain tumor.

The smell of bacon wafted into my nostrils, breaking me from my thoughts as I slipped on my flip-flops and stepped out onto the balcony. Gage had ordered all the fixings for BLT’s and I smiled when our eyes met.

“Sit, eat. I ordered you jalapeno mayo,” he announced, with a wave of his hand at the table and I smiled.

Taking a slice of toast and spreading on the mayo I cut it in half and sat it on my plate. I added a few slices of bacon, tomato and lettuce, skipped the cheese and added pepper. Taking a bite, I moaned my enjoyment. It was a welcome addition to my far too empty stomach and I enjoyed a few more small bites.

“Orange juice?” he asked, and filled my glass after I nodded a yes. I pushed away my half eaten sandwich and wiped my mouth with a linen napkin.

This was it, I inhaled and prepared myself, my lips parted just as Gage jumped in.

“I want to explain the redhead,” Gage said,
Here we go,
I thought and readied myself the best I could with a deep breath.

“Go on,” I encouraged him, relieved that I wasn’t left to start the conversation.

“Her name is Paula Stuart…my ex.”

I straightened in my seat and my brows narrowed into a frown. “Ex as in, slept with your best friend ex?” I was both shocked and muddled and I couldn’t hide it, it had to be written all over my face.

“That’s the one,” Gage affirmed, sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands rubbing together nervously.

“Did you know she was on this cruise?” I asked, all of a sudden remembering her at my door, cocky little red head looking for my neighbor.

“God no, I didn’t know she was on the ship until a few days ago. I swear.”

“What does she want with you?” I wondered if maybe Gage also knew my neighbor or would he be shocked to know she had been at my door looking for him?

“Money, she’s not on the ship anymore, she got off in Egypt. I had other business in Egypt but I just wanted to make sure she left the ship and didn’t sneak back onboard.”

“Paula came here you know? Not looking for you though, for the guy next door.” I told him but when his eyes met mine, he didn’t seem the least bit surprised.

He bit the inside of his cheek. “I know…I can explain that…I’m your mystery guy next door,” he said, waiting for me to explode or something, which I had no intention of doing. I was over the dramatic escapades and ready to do this like two adults.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in the room next door?” I asked, surprisingly calm. “All this time, it was you?”

So not a huge deal but I certainly felt like a fool, it had never dawned on me to ask him what room he was in, he was always here. Since I never bothered to inquire I had no right to be angry and found myself laughing stupidly. The blonde hair I saw that first day, he stood right there on the balcony in jeans and his sexy feet for Christ’s sake and I never put two and two together.

Daft bitch
, I shook my head and laughed to myself.

“How fucking stupid am I? I can’t be pissed that you didn’t say anything, I never asked did I?” I said, and heard him blow out a sigh of relief.

“I don’t care about your room. That doesn’t matter,” I had bigger fish to fry, “can I ask why she came to you for money?”

“Paula knows things,” our eyes met briefly before his gaze moved to his clasped hands. “I paid her off, actually my boss paid her off to shut her up.”

“My mind is…I’m confused, what does she know? Wait, don’t answer that…is this thing she knows illegal? Is she blackmailing you?” I asked, making sure my words were chosen carefully.

I can usually take in all the facts thrown at me at once and sort the puzzle pieces in my head, that’s what I’m trained to do, but for some strange reason I wasn’t grasping this. Maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe it was going to be too much for me to handle.

“Definitely not illegal but most definitely blackmail…sweetheart I need you to promise me you won’t freak out okay? Say you’ll listen and promise we can sit and talk about it, like adults. No running away and freaking out, neither one of us, just promise?” He looked terrified and that created a compelling need in me to feel the same.

My heart was racing like it had been jolted by an electrical surge and I was shaking, this couldn’t be good. “This sounds ominous,” My fear mixed with curiosity felt like a lethal dose of arsenic, the taste would be bitter and the results, deadly.

“Just promise me,” he begged.

“Okay, I promise,” I squeezed out in a quiet whisper.

Gage took me by the hand and walked me into the living area and sat me on the sofa and arranged himself so he was facing me. So very serious, he was scaring the lord living shit out of me. But I made him a promise, no bolting, not freaking out and the promise to talk and that’s what I was going to do.

“This is not a vacation cruise for me. My boss sent me on an assignment to follow his daughter and secure her safety.”

“Paula?”

“No.”

“Then who?” I demanded and he sat silent, “who Gage?”

“You.”

I sat for a moment, at a complete loss. It was the same cold dismal feeling that came over me in the Doctor’s office on that terrible day. The only way to describe the feeling was like being forced into a dark windowless chamber with no air and not enough room to move. You struggle and struggle to get free, but the room only seems to get smaller and more constricting. You want to scream but taking in enough air to fill your lungs is impossible, so you surrender to your fate and curl into a ball. I wanted to curl into that ball.

“This has to be some kind of sick, twisted joke. Are you telling me that my father hired you to spy on me? That fucking bastard,” I exclaimed as tears stung and escaped, not tears of sadness but tears of anger, real anger, biting anger.

“I was told to guard you, keep an eye on you and keep you safe. But when I met you face to face, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to sneak around behind your back. You have to understand, I promised your old man.” He tightened his grip on my hand but I slowly slipped free and wiped spent tears from my eyes.

“I have to understand? Well I don’t understand. Why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you tell me before…oh my God,” I covered my hands over my face and wept openly, this was so beyond disturbing. He made love to me knowing all this time that I’d be furious if I found out, what a terrible game to play.

“I was given strict instructions to stay away from you, watch from a distance and never let you see me, but when I saw you that first day…It was no accident that I walked into that dining room. I had to meet you.”

“You figured you’d get in good with the boss’s daughter, have some fun, screw with her and get paid,” I said narrowing my eyes in a deadly glare. “Bravo Gage, you played your part well. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.”

“Fuck! It wasn’t like that Tandy. I couldn’t tell you,” Gage rubbed his face, “if your old man finds out, he’ll kill me. I owe him, big time.”

“Why? Did you borrow money from him or something?”

“Drake Carter is my father.” he said outright and the picture of Drake and I sitting in the park feeding ducks flashed in my mind.

“Holy shit, I can’t hear anymore. What are you going to tell me next, that this liner is some kind of an alien spaceship and we’ll be taking off soon?” I stood but Gage pulled me back down by the wrist and held me there until I sat still and showed no signs of making a run for it.

“Just hear me out. Please,” he said.

“I’m listening,” I said, nauseated beyond belief, a hollow feeling forming in the pit of my stomach. There was an ache tearing at my heart, ripping it from my chest as I hiccupped and blinked back more tears painfully. My throat was tight and even if I had wanted to, words would not come.

“I started getting into trouble just after my father got sick and the thing with Paula happened. I didn’t know how to deal with his illness. I was a fucking mess and stupidly got mixed in with…well you know the story. My dad asked yours to help with my trial and made arrangements for me to train while I was in prison and because he would be gone long before I got out, your father agreed to be my conservator and gave me a job on his security detail…I owe your father my life.”

“Well it’s more than he ever fucking did for me,” I spat, looking at Gage’s tortured face.

“Baby.” I could feel the pain in his eyes as they searched mine for some sort of absolution.

“Forgiveness,” I whispered, touching my fingers to his chest and saw the knowing glimmer in his eye.

Hell if his life turned to shit because he couldn’t deal with his father’s sickness, how in the hell was he going to deal with my news? I had to look away, turn from him. Every scattered emotion I was feeling rolled around in my gut like lead weights and only added to the pain surging through my brain.