I Kissed Dating Goodbye (23 page)

210 joshua harris feelings prematurely, but it's worth it. "I want you to promise me..." says the maiden in Song of Songs 8:4 (nlt), "not to awaken love until it is ready." The Wycliffe Bible Commentary says, "Love should not be stirred up before its proper time, because the love relationship, unless carefully guarded, may cause grief instead of the great joy it should bring to the human heart." Proverbs 29:20 states, "Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him." Don't play the fool in your relationships by speaking too soon. If you're pursuing a deeper friendship, the other person will already have an idea that you're interested, and you can't avoid this. But expressing these feelings in words often "awakens love" before it's ready.

If you really think about it, the need to blurt out our feelings is usually motivated by selfishness, not by a desire to enhance the other person's life. We want to know if our feelings are reciprocated, and we can't bear not knowing how the other person feels. This kind of selfishness not only has the potential to destroy the delicate beginnings of a relationship, it can also make us feel like fools later if our feelings change. You'll never regret the decision to wait to express your feelings.

3. Watch, wait, and pray.

"Want some coffee?" That was Shelly's code-phrase to her mom that meant, "We need to have a serious mother-daughter conversation." Her mom was only too happy to sip on a raspberry mocha at Starbucks and listen as Shelly talked about her feelings for Jason and the questions beginning to race around in her mind. What did he think about her? Did he view her just as a pal? What if he did want

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gently reminded her to keep her heart in God's hands. Then her mom had some practical suggestions. Shelly's mom felt it would be good to plan a few get-togethers at their house with other friends so she and Shelly's dad could get to know Jason in a relaxed atmosphere with no pressure. Shelly liked the idea. They closed their "coffee talk" in prayer.

One of the most confusing times in a relationship comes when both the guy and the girl question whether or not to move beyond friendship. While the right time for deepening the relationship varies among couples, we can all benefit from patience. It's always wise to take the extra time to get to know the other person better as a friend and to seek God's guidance.

Unlike Shelly, Jason didn't have the benefit of having his family nearby. He was away at college, and his folks were divorced. So Jason wrote his uncle, his mom's older brother and a strong Christian, a nine-page letter describing Shelly and asking his uncle's advice. Uncle James had always looked out for Jason and acted as a sort of mentor in his life. "Am I crazy to even be thinking about this?" he asked James. His uncle called a week later and prayed with Jason about the situation. And Uncle James asked Jason some tough questions: Was Jason prepared to take care of a wife? Had he talked with the pastor about it? Was he attracted to Shelly's looks or her character? Finally, Uncle James encouraged Jason to wait a month or so and observe Shelly. "You don't need to rush," he said. "If it's God's will, it will all unfold at the right time. It won't hurt to wait."

If you feel inclined to deepen a relationship with a special guy or girl, wait on God through prayer. Seek the counsel of a few trusted, older Christians. Ideally, these people should include your parents, a Christian mentor, and other trusted Christian friends. Ask these people to join you in prayer about

212 joshua harris this person. Invite them to keep you accountable about the relationship and to point out any "blind spots" in yourself

During this watching and waiting time, both the guy and girl need to ask themselves tough questions such as "Based on the character I've observed in our friendship, would I consider marrying this person? Am I prepared to move this relationship beyond friendship to pursue marriage?"

Obviously these are very serious questions. Most of the problems we've seen in dating result from people taking these questions too lightly. As a result, people date those they would never consider marrying and pursue romantic relationships merely for fun, not because they're ready for commitment. We can avoid the problems resulting from the "dating mentality" only by waiting on God and refusing to pursue romance until we have the go-ahead from four "green lights":

Green Light 1: God's Word

Based on Scripture, is marriage right for you and the person you're interested in? God established marriage, but He also created boundaries around it. For example, if the person you're thinking about isn't a Christian or has a questionable faith, stop in your tracks. Scripture also warns that some ministries are better carried out by singles; perhaps this truth applies to God's plan for your life. Before proceeding in a relationship, seek God's guidance through His written Word.

Green Light 2: You're Ready for Marriage

Do you have the balanced, realistic vision of married life that we talked about in chapter 13? Are you aware of and ready for

principled romance 213 the responsibilities of being a husband or wife? Have you reached a level of spiritual maturity and emotional stability as a single that warrants stepping into a lifelong commitment? Are you ready financially? You need to honestly answer these kinds of questions before proceeding with a relationship.

Green Light 3: The Approval and

Support of Your Parents or Guardians,

Christian Mentors, and Godly Christian Friends If you think you're ready for marriage, but no one else who knows and loves you agrees, you should probably reconsider. You want the wisdom and viewpoint of those who care about you and can view you objectively. This is not to say that parents or other advisors can never be wrong, but rarely should we proceed without their support and blessing.

Green Light 4: God's Peace

Finally, you can't replace the peace that comes from

Remember the first habit of defective dating? "Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment." Restated, many dating relationships, even serious ones, wander without a clear purpose.

II

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They're stuck in the twilight zone between recreational dating and engagement. Neither person knows exactly what the other is thinking. "Are we dating just for fun, or is this serious? What's our commitment?" We want to avoid this state of limbo. Doing so will require honesty and courage on the part of both people.

Principle 4 applies specifically to the guys, who I believe should be the ones to "make the first move." Please don't misunderstand this as a chauvinistic attitude. Men, we're not to lord anything over girls; that's the exact opposite of the Christlike servanthood husbands must show their wives. But the Bible clearly defines the importance of a man's spiritual leadership in marriage (ephesians 5:23-25), and I believe part of that leadership should begin in this stage of the relationship. The girls I talk to, Christian and non-Christians alike, agree. They want the guy to take the lead and provide direction for the relationship.

So, how should this happen? I believe the man needs to say something such as "We're growing closer in friendship, and 1 need to be upfront about my motives. With your parents' permission, I want to explore the possibility of marriage. I'm not interested in playing the game of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm ready to be tested by you, your family, and those who are responsible for you. My desire is to win your heart."

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extremely honest in your response when a man declares his intentions to you. In some cases, that honesty may demand declining the offer to move beyond friendship. But if you've gotten the same green lights in your life, honesty might mean saying, "I'm ready to test and be tested!" It's a two-way street. The guy works to win your affections, but you're on trial as well. Are you ready to let this special man closer to your heart and to be tested by his family?

These are big questions, aren't they? But we need to ask and answer them to escape the limbo of directionless, inappropriately intimate relationships.

5. Honor her parents.

In Jason's case, Shelly was actually the second person to find out about his desire to pursue marriage. After an extended time of getting to know her and praying, Jason felt confident enough to move forward. But before he went into action, he chose to give proper honor to Shelly's parents, first by asking their permission to grow closer to their daughter for the purpose of pursuing marriage.

Personally, I intend to do the same thing. In my mind, this is the best way to start off your relationship with your potential in-laws. I know this won't always be possible. Some guys I know have asked the girl first and then have gone to her parents. In other situations, a father or mother isn't close by or active in this aspect of parenthood. Whatever the case, the principle is important: A young man ought to show respect for the person responsible for the girl. If that means approaching her pastor or grandfather, do it. If it means writing, calling, or emailing her folks on the other side of the world, do that. Go the distance to give them the respect they deserve.

At this point, invite the girl's parents to ask pointed questions. What kind of plan do you have to support their daughter? What kind of activities will you pursue as you attempt to win her hand in marriage? The parents' questions will vary, depending on their relationship with their daughter and their personal convictions. Unfortunately, many parents won't really care. They may think you're being melodramatic or taking things too seriously. "Hey, if you want to take out our daughter, go for it." But many will be excited to participate in advising and counseling you during this exciting stage of the relationship.

A girl's parents may have specific concerns about the relationship or the timing of the relationship. One father I know questioned the spiritual maturity of a young man who was interested in his daughter. This young man had only recently come back to the Lord and had broken off an engagement with another girl four months earlier. The dad asked the young man to back off and prove himself over the next few months. The young guy proved himself, but not in the right way. He refused to honor the father's request and kept trying to see the girl behind her parents' backs. Finally, the girl told him that she wasn't interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with him.

No matter what response you receive from the parents, be humble enough to listen and honor them. God will bless you for doing so. Remember, they've invested a big part of their lives in their daughter. And God has placed them in her life to protect her. Don't try to circumvent their authority. Instead, work with it and benefit from their wisdom.

6. Test and build the relationship in real-life settings.

Now the relationship moves into a very exciting stage that's

been lost in our current pattern for relationships. This is the

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time for the young man to win the girl's heart and for the two of them to test the wisdom of their potential marriage. It's a time of growing intimacy, but unlike the intimacy in many dating relationships, this intimacy has a purpose.

We want to insert a transitional stage between deepening friendship and engagement--a period of