I Kissed Dating Goodbye (18 page)

Fortunately, we have a source to turn to when these questions arise. I've found some guidance in the book of Ephesians. Paul writes, "Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil" (ephesians 5:15). Another version reads, "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time..." (ephesians 5:15, NKJV).

My mom uses the phrase "hustle while you wait" to express the same idea. If one of us children stands around, picking at food while she cooks dinner, Mom will snap, like a football coach to his players, "Don't just stand there! Hustle while you wait!" That means set the table, put away groceries, or load the dishwasher; be productive during a lull in the action.

My mom has an intolerance for wasted time. I think God has the same intolerance. He has entrusted us with gifts and talents, and He expects us to guard and use them wisely. Will we give Him a return on His investment in us? Even though we don't know the next step regarding our romantic relationships, we still have work to do. We have bad habits to get rid of, good habits to develop, and character to build. Let's hustle!

Yes, we'll still have a lot of questions--we may not know who or when we'll marry. But we must not allow what we can't

Just redeeming the time 167

know to hinder us from acting on what we do know. And what do we know? We know that we have today to move with resolute energy toward maturity and Christlikeness, a calling of every Christian whether he or she will marry next week or ten years from now.

When we focus on "redeeming the time," we'll not only make the most of each moment, we'll also prepare ourselves for the next season of our lives. Our faithfulness in small things today earns us the right to handle bigger responsibilities down the road.

watering camels

In the Old Testament, Rebekah is a young woman who "redeemed the time" by faithfully fulfilling her current obligations. We could learn a few things from revisiting the story of how she prepared for, met, and married her husband. The story

When Abraham's servant came to Haran, he made his camels kneel down by the well. It was evening--just the

168 joshua harris time when the young girls always gathered around the well to draw water.

Abraham's servant believed in God. He had come safely on his journey and had reached the city to which Abraham had sent him. But he thought to himself, "How shall I be able to tell which young girl is the one God wants Isaac to have for his wife?" He kneeled down on the ground beside the well and bowed his head. He prayed, "O lord God of my master Abraham, help me this day! When the daughters of the people of the city come down to draw water, and I say to one of them, "Let down your pitcher, I pray you, that I may drink," and she shall say, "Drink, and I will give your camels drink also," let that be the one whom Thou hast appointed as a wife for Isaac."

God often answers prayer almost before we have asked, and He did so this time. Before the servant had finished praying, a very beautiful girl named Rebekah came to the well. The servant thought, "Can this be the right one?" He ran to her and said, "Let me, I pray you, drink a little water out of your pitcher."

The girl said very politely, "Drink, my lord, and I will draw water for your camels also, till they have finished drinking." She took the pitcher down from her head and let him drink. Then she emptied the rest of the water into the drinking trough for the camels. She kept drawing water till all the camels had had a drink.

The servant was very much astonished to have her say and do just as he had prayed that she might. Had his prayer been answered so soon? When the camels had had enough

Then he asked her, "Whose daughter are you? Is there room in your fathers house for us to stay?"

She answered, "I am Nahor's granddaughter. We have plenty of room for you to stay with us, and straw and food for your camels." Nahor was Abraham's brother. When the servant heard this, he was so happy that he bowed his head down to the ground and worshiped, saying, "Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who has led me to the house of my masters family"

The rest of the story (which you can read in Genesis 24) tells how Rebekah agreed within two days to return with Abraham's servant to marry Isaac, a man she had never met. The tale is, without question, amazing. In their own day, these events were astonishing; today, separated by thousands of years and very different cultures, we find them even more astounding. And yet, as with all of God's Word, we can learn a lesson from this story that transcends time and culture.

Although we don't study the story as a model of how every couple should meet and marry, we can learn from Rebekah's attitude and actions. In an article entitled "The Adventure of Current Obligations" Gregg Harris points out the key principle of the story: "Rebekah was able to meet God's divine appointment for her life because she was faithfully carrying out her current obligations."

For Rebekah, the trip to the well that particular evening was nothing special. She made that trip every night. And she'd probably watered more than a few camels. Yet though her task was mundane, she had a quickness to her step and a ready willingness to serve others. These qualities put her in the right place at the right time with the right attitude when God intended to match her with Isaac.

170 joshua harris

We all have our own camels to water--current relationships and responsibilities we can too easily take for granted. If we're wise, we'll see our duties not as unimportant ways to bide our time, but as springboards, launching us into God's plan and purpose for our future.

practice Now

For a moment, take stock of your current

Someday 1 want to be a godly husband. 1 want to nurture my wife, love her, respect her, and protect her. How can I train for that? 1 believe God has given me a mother and sister to practice understanding and honoring women. If 1 can't love and serve my mother and sister today, what makes me think I'll be ready to love and serve a wife in the future? 1 have to practice now. The reverse is true for girls and their dads and brothers. Girls can view their relationships to the men in their lives as training sessions for loving and respecting a future husband.

Marriage won't transform us into new people; it will only act as a mirror, showing what we already are. We have to practice now what we want to be in the future. Let's look at a few areas we can prepare for while we're still single:

redeeming the time 171

Practice intimacy. While we want to avoid premature intimacy in romantic relationships, we should practice intimacy in other committed relationships starting with our families. God has given us families to learn the art of sharing life.

A close female friend of mine realized she had developed bad communication habits with her parents. Whenever they'd try to talk to her, she would clam up and refuse to share her feelings. "It finally hit me," she told me. "If I shut out the people closest to me now, I'll do the same thing someday to my husband." To reverse this trend, my friend now works hard to build intimacy and openness with her folks. Instead of retreating to her bedroom after dinner, she hangs around and talks with them. Instead of shutting them out of her life, she invites them in. This process, which wasn't easy at first, not only strengthens important relationships currently, it teaches her skills she'll need one day as a

Each of us must develop a dynamic, growing, personal relationship with God. This involves practicing the spiritual disciplines of prayer, meditation, Bible study, Bible teaching, and involvement in a local church. But in preparation for marriage, we also need to learn to seek God with another person. Again, we don't want to practice this

172 joshua harris discipline with a romantic interest until we're ready to pursue committed intimacy. But we can develop this habit with other important people in our lives. You might stan this process with your family then branch out to pray and study the Bible with safe, nonromantic friends from church. Learn to share with others the lessons God teaches you. Learn to pray with someone else. Be honest about your areas of weakness, and ask God for a trusted person to keep you accountable to growing in the Lord.

Recently I was with a group of four friends--one guy and three girls. We had spent the day hiking then had returned to my house to relax and talk. One of the girls began to talk about how God had dealt with her on different issues of obedience. Her testimony led to a spontaneous time of prayer as we joined hands, worshiped God, and lifted up each other's needs to the Lord. It wasn't a forced, unnatural show of "talking about God" so we'd look spiritual; we were merely discussing the most real aspect of our lives--Jesus. What an awesome example of redeemed time! We not only built up each other, we learned how to seek God side by side. And that transparency and ability to discuss spiritual issues will one day sustain our future marriages.

Practice financial responsibility. Not only do we need to learn to make money and support ourselves, we also need to learn how to manage our money responsibly. Now is the time to learn how to budget, save, and tithe consistently.

For several weeks, my parents met with me and

One of our assignments was to record every penny we spent for a week. What a revealing exercise! I was completely unaware of how much money I wasted eating out. Although I still go out, I've now put a limit on how much I can spend on food in a month. Another guy I know found he was investing an inordinate amount of his paycheck from his job at the Gap right back into the company! He cut back his clothing budget and began saving and giving more.

Because we singles dont have as many responsibilities as married folks, we can quickly develop poor habits of spending. We need to make sure we don't develop patterns with money that will jeopardize a marriage or, even more important, waste God's resources.

In addition to learning about budgeting, balancing a checkbook, and car and health insurance, we also need to establish our own philosophy toward finances. What kind of lifestyle does God want us to pursue? What is His view of money and possessions? Left unanswered, these issues can cause serious stress in a marriage and serious regret if we waste our lives pursuing the wrong things.

A book that has helped me tremendously in this area is Money, Possessions and Eternity by Randy Alcorn (tyndale House Pub., Wheaton,

IL). Also, Larry Burkett has written excellent books and study guides about practical issues related to finance; many are designed specifically for young adults.

Practice parenthood. Children are not one of the risks of marriage; they are one of the rewards. And the work of becoming a good father or mother starts while we're

174 joshua harris single. Right now, we can take notes from the veterans and practice those qualities of parenthood we want to model for our future children.

We can use our current relationships to prepare ourselves. God has blessed me with five younger siblings ranging from age two to thirteen. While being a parent is in a totally different league from being a brother, I can "practice" parenthood now by investing time in my siblings' lives, by doing my best to direct them toward godliness, and by including them in my activities. I've changed my share of dirty