I Kissed Dating Goodbye (22 page)

We can't trust ourselves, and we can't completely know the person we decide to marry, but we can trust God to guide us in our decisions and to help us follow through with our commitments.

True Beauty

While single, I'm working to build godly character in my life and have the right attitudes. And as I observe the young ladies

what matters at fifty? 201 around me, I'm keeping my eyes wide open. And, yes, I'm still playing my little game of asking, "What matters at fifty?" It helps me look past the fleeting issues of youth and beauty and focus on the essentials of character and attitude.

Poor girls, if they had any idea about my game... But then, who knows? Maybe they've been imagining what I'll look like at fifty. Now there's a scary thought!

One of these days, and this is the moment for which I'm hoping and praying, I'm going to meet a girl, and when I imagine her at fifty she'll be even more beautiful than she is today. The years won't detract; they'll only sharpen and mature her. Because with a woman who fears God, whose inner strength draws from the wellspring of His life, time can only add to her true beauty. Of course, the signs of age will emerge, but the spirit which lights up her sparkling eyes will still be young, vibrant, and alive. That's what I want to grow to love.

What will I do when I meet this young woman? I think about that often. I don't know exactly what I'll say. Maybe I'll get down on my knees and beg her to spend the rest of her life growing old with me. We can watch our bodies fall apart and together wait for the day when the Master gives us new ones.

And when I kiss her on our wedding day, I'll revel in the wife of my youth, but I'll whisper in her ear, "I can't wait to see you when you're fifty."

Jason and Shelly still debate over when they first met. One Thursday night after the college groups Bible study, Jason walked up and introduced himself.

"How are you?" Jason asked as he stuck out his hand to greet Shelly. "My name's

Jason. I've seen you around but never had a chance to meet you."

The dark-haired girl smiled and said, "I'm Shelly, and actually we have met before; you just don't remember."

"No way," Jason said, a little embarrassed. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, I'm sure," she said with a good-natured laugh. "It was earlier this spring. You were sitting in front of me one Sunday, and somebody introduced us briefly. That's okay; I'm easy to forget."

"That's impossible!" he protested. "I'm sure I'd remember you if we'd met."

The playful little argument paved the way for an ongoing friendship. Whenever Jason saw Shelly, he'd walk up to her and say, "Hi, I'm Jason. I don't think we've met before." That always brought a laugh.

Over the next few months, Jason and Shelly began to get to

204 joshua harris know each other better. Since they had the same circle of friends, they'd often end up at Shan's restaurant with a group of guys and girls after church. The college students would spend hours talking and laughing over cup after cup of coffee. Shelly always drank tea. Jason took note of that. And it wasn't the only thing he was taking note of. He was discovering the depth of her personality. Shelly was quiet, but when she did speak, she said thoughtful and intelligent things. Shelly knew how to have fun, and she knew when to be serious. And at church, Jason could almost always find Shelly serving or helping someone else. On Sundays she volunteered in the nursery, and in the college group many girls sought out Shelly for advice and comfort.

Shelly was doing her own reconnaissance work on Jason. She noted his smile and the kindness he showed to everyone, whether or not they were popular or could do

Unbeknown to Shelly, Jason was worrying about it. Or at least spending a considerable amount of time thinking about it. As he got to know Shelly, he kept checking off, one-by-one, the items on his "wish list" of qualities for a wife. Jason found himself thinking about Shelly during the day and looking forward to the next time he'd see her. "I can't get this girl out of my head," he prayed one night as he tossed in bed, trying to fall asleep. "Lord, Shelly is everything I've ever wanted in a girl. What do I do next?"

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No formulas

What do you do when you think you've met the person you want to marry? Friendship is great, but how should you proceed from there? How do you get to know that special person better?

The Bible doesn't provide a one-size-fits-all program for moving from friendship to marriage. Our lives are too different, our circumstances too unique, and our God too creative to have only one formula for romance. The various ways in which God brings men and women together, like the unique designs of snowflakes, are never quite the same. But just as a one-of-a kind snowflake can only form at a specific temperature and precipitation, a God-honoring romance can only form when we follow godly patterns and principles.

In this chapter, I'd like to outline a new pattern for relationships that can help us avoid the problems often encountered in dating. The stages I propose are not a magic solution to these problems, nor are they the only way for romance to unfold. But I think they can help us develop godly romantic relationships. These stages are: casual friendship--deeper friendship--purposeful intimacy with integrity--engagement.

Let's examine a few helpful principles that can guide us through the "Now what?" questions of relationships. As we do, we'll see the four stages of God-honoring romance at play. The first principle applies to stage 1.

Now imagine you're in the car again, but this time a dear friend sits in the passenger seat. And instead of being on a deserted road, you're in the heart of a busy city, surrounded by other cars and pedestrians. Then out of the corner of your eye, you see a police car. You don't even think of speeding. You drive down the street slowly and carefully.

What was the difference between the two scenarios? The difference is that in the first you were an isolated person who only had yourself to worry about. But the second scenario placed you in relationships with others. Instead of being alone, you had responsibilities. If you wrecked the car, you would be responsible for the life of the person strapped in the seat next to you. Your recklessness would also place the lives of the motorists around you in danger. And finally, the policeman's presence reminded you of the traffic laws you should obey. You drove slowly.

The same principle works in romantic relationships. If you start out thinking only of yourself--Will this person like me? Would he or she make a good husband or wife for me?--you'll speed into a relationship too quickly and probably run over people along the way. But if you remember that your actions affect others, you'll find the resolve to proceed cautiously and carefully.

Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you're involved in three kinds of relationships: your relationship with the person you're interested in; your relationships with the people around you, including family and friends; and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each.

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Talking to Myself

I tiy to remember these three relational responsibilities when I find myself interested in a girl. In the early stages of attraction, I have a difficult time remaining clearheaded. I have to immediately remind myself of my responsibilities.

"Exactly! She's not just a pretty face or a potential wife!"

"No, she's a child of God. God has a plan for her. He's shaping her and molding her into something special."

"So what is your responsibility to her?" "My responsibility is to make sure I don't get in the way of what God is doing. I should encourage her to keep her focus and dependence on God."

"Okay, good. Now to whom is your second responsibility?"

"My second responsibility is to the people around me."

"Such as..."

"Such as the people in the church group, non-Christians who might observe our relationship, and even my little brothers, who watch how I relate to girls."

"Why do you have to care what they think?" "I have a responsibility to keep the unity of the group here at church; I have a responsibility to model the love of Jesus to outsiders; and I have a responsibility to set an example for other believers."

"And your primary responsibility is to God, correct?"

"Exactly I am responsible to keep my way pure, serve others as Christ did, and love my neighbors as I love myself."

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These kinds of questions can help us gain a proper perspective right from the start and can determine whether a relationship will be God-honoring or merely self-satisfying. Breaking out of the defective patterns of typical dating requires that we stop seeing ourselves as the "center of the universe" with other people revolving around our desires. Before we embark on a relationship, we need to sober ourselves up by reviewing our relational responsibilities.

2. Seek a deeper friendship first (stage 2). One spring my four-year-old sister was so excited to see the first flowers pushing out of the soil that she plucked a handful of the unopened buds and proudly gave them to my mother. My mother was disappointed by my

When we find ourselves attracted to someone, we need to make building a deeper friendship our first priority. Too often we believe that relating in a romantic, exclusive relationship will automatically mean we'll be closer and know each other better. But this doesn't always happen. Although romance can be a more exciting level of relationship, it can also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each person involved. Remember, as soon as we unleash our emotions in romantic love, our objectivity begins to fade. For this reason,

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we need to focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance.

Friendship-Deepening Activities

The first priority for a guy and girl is to get to know each other better as individuals--to gain an accurate, unbiased view of each others true nature. How can you do this? First, instead of dropping out of your regular routines to spend time together, look for opportunities to include one another in your real lives. Find activities that pull you both into each other's world of family, friends, and work, as well as areas of service and ministry.

For Jason, a Spanish major, this meant inviting Shelly to visit the Spanish church he helped translate for one Sunday a month. This activity gave her a glimpse into Jason's love for the Spanish language and the Hispanic people. Another time, Shelly asked Jason to help her teach a Sunday school class for fifth graders. Although they spent the majority of their time in groups during both activities, Jason and Shelly discovered more about each other and deepened their friendship.

Things to Avoid

While your friendship progresses, avoid saying