I Kissed Dating Goodbye (14 page)

Let's look at three important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex.

1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy. We can more clearly see the elusive line between friendship and "more than friendship" when we understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.

Friendship is about something other than the two people in the relationship; intimacy is about each other. In a true friendship, something outside the two friends brings them together. C. S. Lewis writes, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead." The key to friendship is a common goal or object on which both companions focus. It can be an athletic pursuit, a hobby, faith, or music, but it's something outside of them. As soon as the two people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship.

Can you see how this progression took place in my story with Chelsea? In the beginning, we based our friendship on the fact that we were both at a leadership camp for two weeks. We

just friends in a Jusr-Do-Ir world 129 shared other common interests such as tennis and the piano. Our interaction based on these things remained within the bounds of friendship.

But we had little reason to continue our friendship from a distance. We couldn't participate in common interests side by side over the miles. We had no basis for continuing the relationship except for the fact that we were interested in each other. If we had truly pursued friendship, we would have seen that our friendship couldn't transcend the limits of geography and lifestyle. We'd have admitted that the only thing

The reason that most guy-girl friendships cross into romance is that the people involved don't understand the difference between friendship and intimacy. Too often we confuse the two. With Chelsea, I said I wanted friendship, but I really wanted intimacy. I wanted someone to care about me and love me. My actions betrayed my true desire for the excitement and comfort romance provides.

were these desires wrong? No, but they were ill-timed. I'm not saying that we should avoid intimacy. We shouldn't. Intimacy is a great thing. But we shouldn't pursue intimacy without commitment. In God-honoring, male-female relationships, the burden of intimacy is commitment in marriage, if we're not ready or capable of committing ourselves to someone, we aren't ready to pursue intimacy.

Remember the analogy we used in chapter 2? Pursuing intimacy without commitment is like going mountain climbing with a partner who, once halfway up the mountain face, isn't

132 joshua harris experience of friendship--two people (or more!), side by side, traveling toward a common, noble purpose.

I'm not saying we can't ever seek entertainment. But I do think we should seek to serve first. So serve soup at a mission before you sit at home and watch a video. Get a group of friends together to teach the fifth-graders at church before you ask the youth pastor to take you to the water-slide park. Start a band in your garage before you go to another concert or buy another CD. Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment.

Maybe someday the anthem of culture will be "Here we are; how can we serve?"

brotherly love

Being just friends with members of the opposite sex doesn't happen by accident. We have to fight for and guard our friendships. Like magnets, men and women are designed to attract each other. But until we're ready to be "stuck for life," we need to avoid premature intimacy. How do we do that? By respecting the limitations of guy-girl friendships and relating to others within the framework given by God's Word. In Romans 12:1011 we read, "Be

How do we view treat each other? With honor. And what's the secret to our zeal? Service--side by side for God's glory.

Guided by this attitude, being "just friends" can be just plain awesome.

chapter ten

How to fight the pollutants of lust, infatuation, and self-pity

Emily sprawled lazily on the bed as she watched Jessica pack. "I bet I know what'll happen when you get to school," she said suddenly. "Oh, really," Jessica replied distractedly She was more concerned now with how to organize the mess of clothing, shoes, and makeup that covered her bedroom floor.

"Yeah, really" Emily said as she threw a pair of socks at Jessica. She could tell when she wasn't being taken seriously

"You're going to get there, meet some guy, and fall in love. Then you'll have to crawl back--on your knees--and beg me to forgive you for all the hassle you've given me about dating. Oh, I can't wait until you have a boyfriend!"

If anyone besides Emily had said this, Jessica would have been angry. But coming from her best friend--infuriating though she was--Jessica had to smile.

"Emily, I've told you before that it's not a matter of not wanting to fall in love," Jessica said as she crammed another pair of jeans into her suitcase. "I'm just not interested in playing games and chasing after pointless relationships...l some people I know."

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Choosing to ignore Jessica's jab, Emily replied, "You just wait; college will change your mind."

when the rules don't fit the game

Seven months later, Jessica sat in her room looking out the window at a squirrel hopping across the parking lot. It was one of those rare moments in the afternoon when the dorm was quiet enough for Jessica to think. "Maybe Emily was right," Jessica mused as she replayed the conversation in her mind. College

He talked about how dating often contradicted scriptural principles. Jessica was surprised at how much sense the speaker's ideas made. She had never consciously "not dated," but now she understood why she had always felt uncomfortable with the concept. Jessica began mentally cataloging the many times her friends had been hurt by dating relationships that had turned sour. Hadn't she seen how negative dating could be?

Thus Jessica began her search for the "right" way of doing things. Or, as Emily put it, Jessica went "ballistic on her anti dating campaign." She scoured the Bible for insight, read books, listened to tapes on the subject, and spent more than a few evenings talking--often arguing--with her friends about

guard your heart 135 the merits and pitfalls of dating.

From this quest Jessica emerged with her own "rules of romance," like a modern-day Moses descending from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments. She felt sure that her list of do's and don'ts would solve the world's relational problems.. disor at least keep her from experiencing them. First, Jessica wouldn't allow herself to get bogged down in short-term relationships. Until she felt she could pursue marriage, dating was out; she would only go out with guys in groups. At the point when romance was appropriate, a guy who showed interest in her would first have to talk with her parents. From this point, Jessica had every detail of the courtship process planned like a carefully written screenplay. After checking out the prospective suitor, Mom and Dad would give the young man permission to woo her, the two of them would fall hopelessly in love, and the sun would shine at their outdoor wedding.

All this was good. Wisely, Jessica had developed high standards. In fact, her rules were

T-shirt and sported stringy bleached hair. But when tall, clean-cut

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Eric gazed at her with his penetrating brown eyes as he discussed that morning's chapel sermon, Jessica felt her resolve melting.

To make matters worse, she couldn't look ten feet without seeing a couple. They were everywhere! Three out of her four roommates had boyfriends and looked on her lack of attachment in bewilderment, if not disdain. Jessica felt like a nun on the "Love Boat."

Inside, Jessica began to covet her roommates' relationships. Suddenly the thought of having a boyfriend seemed so comforting. She found herself daydreaming about certain guys. "What if so-and-so is "the one"? What did he really mean when he said such-and-such? Does he like me?" With all these thoughts swimming in her head, Jessica became wistful and discontented. No matter what she did, she'd think, "If only I could share this with someone." She had more than enough girlfriends and several guy friends, but they hardly fulfilled the longing she felt.

To make things even more difficult, guys were beginning to ask her out. were any of them husband material? Not quite, but one was cute.... Deep down Jessica knew she was doing all the things she had resolved not to, but did it even matter now? Her standards and rules seemed worthless.

getting acquainted

The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind. The time will come for all of us when we won't

"As I grew into womanhood," writes Elisabeth Elliot in Passion and Purity, "and began to learn what was in my heart I saw very clearly that, of all things difficult to rule, none were more so than my will and affections." The sooner we get acquainted with the contents of our hearts, the better. Too many of us are blissfully unaware of how deceitful the core of our beings can truly be. When we think "heart," we picture cutesy, red, cut-out valentines. But often, if we'd really examine our hearts, we'd find lies, selfishness, lust, envy, and pride. And that's the abridged list! The effect is like discovering your sweet old grandmother's picture on the FBI'S Most Wanted list at the post office.

But though we might be surprised, God is not. He not only understands the fragility of the human heart, He knows how easily it can be swayed in the wrong direction.

the deceitful heart

The Bible is replete with warnings about the nature of the human heart and with instructions to make our top priority watching over it. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart..." How should we do this?

First, picture guarding your heart as if your heart were a criminal tied in a chair who would like to break free and knock you over the head. In other words, protect yourself from your heart's sinfulness. Keep a wary eye on your heart, knowing that it can do you damage if it is not carefully watched.

"The heart is deceitful above all things..." we read in Jeremiah 17:9. "Who can know it?" Though the advice of many well-meaning people today is to "follow your heart," the Bible warns that your heart can lead you in wrong, even deadly, directions. Our hearts lie. Something can "feel" right and be completely wrong.

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In his book First Things First, Stephen Covey uses an analogy that can help us understand the knack our emotions have for bending reality. If you take a