I Kissed Dating Goodbye (12 page)

I to us. So see yourself as God sees you--clothed in radiant white, pure, justified.

Maybe you have a particular memory that continues to hound you, a memory that makes you feel unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. Don't let the past beat you up. Forget it. Don't replay that moment or any others like it. If you've repented of all those behaviors, God has promised to remember them no more (hebrews 8:12). Move on. A lifetime of purity awaits you.

part three

BUILDING a New LIFESTYLE

chapter eight

Starting with a Clean Slate four important steps for getting on track with god's plan

Building well sometimes means first tearing down. Recently my dad and my younger brother Joel attended a birthday party for Stephen Taylor, one of Joel's best friends. It was a very special occasion. Stephen was turning thirteen, and his dad wanted to make Stephen's entrance into young adulthood memorable. Nice presents wouldn't suffice; Stephen's dad wanted to impart wisdom. To accomplish this he asked fathers to accompany their sons to the party and to bring a special gift--a tool that served them in their specific lines of work.

Each father gave his tool to Stephen along with its accompanying "life lesson" for the "toolbox" of principles Stephen would carry into life. The tools were as unique as the men who used them. My dad gave Stephen a quality writing pen and explained that a pen not only served him when he wrote his ideas but also represented his word when he signed an agreement.

During the gift giving, a father who was a professional home builder handed Stephen a small box. "Inside that box is the tool I

"My nail puller, simple as it might seem," the father explained, "is one of the most important tools I have." This father told the story of how once, while in the middle of building a wall, he discovered that it was crooked. Instead of halting the construction and undoing a little work to fix the wall, he decided to proceed, hoping that the problem would go away as he continued to build. However, the problem only worsened. Eventually, at a great loss of materials and time, he had to tear down the nearly completed wall and totally rebuild it.

"Stephen," the father said gravely, "times will come in life when you'll realize you've made a mistake. At that moment, you have two choices: You can swallow your pride and "pull a few nails," or you can foolishly continue your course, hoping the problem will go away. Most of the time the problem will only get worse. I'm giving you this tool to remind you of this principle: When you realize you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear it down and start over."

building a godly lifestyle

The lesson of the nail puller is an important one for all of us who have built our relationships on the faulty attitudes and patterns of dating. For many, getting things right will require us to first tear down what's wrong. In some cases, that means bringing wrong relationships to an end.

Whatever your circumstances, the following steps are important for starting and maintaining a lifestyle of godliness in relationships.

1. Start with a clean slate.

If we want to build a godly lifestyle, we must first repent of sinful attitudes and behaviors in our relationships. The Bible uses

starting with a clean slate 113 the word repent to describe turning from what's wrong and pursuing what's right. Repentance is a change of direction based on a change of heart.

Have you practiced selfishness in relationships? If so, consider admitting your selfishness and correcting it. Have you played loose and careless in the area of purity? Then maybe you need to ask God to forgive you and seek ways to reverse your course. Are you currently involved in a relationship that you

Danny, an eighteen-year-old, knew that he could fix the problems in his relationship with Trisha by doing only one thing: ending the relationship. They had dated for over seven months, and during that time, they had quickly escalated their physical involvement. They didn't mean to, but no matter how many times they made rules about where to stop, they always went further. Neither was ready to get married, and deep down Danny really didn't believe he and

Trisha were right for each other anyway. Continuing the relationship with Trisha would only mislead her.

Did any of these factors make breaking up easy? No, this messy aspect of relationships will always be hard. But remember, continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow.

When you end a relationship, you need to remember a couple of important things. First, really end it. Don't leave any strings attached or hint at the possibility of reuniting someday. You should also probably agree to steer clear of each other for a

114 joshua harris while afterward. In Danny's case, he felt tempted to call Trisha after their breakup "just to chat" or to ask her to go out "just for old time's sake." But doing so would only reawaken old feelings and open old wounds. Though it wasn't easy, he knew that he and Trisha had to end the relationship with finality

Adjusting the Focus of a Relationship

One day Sheena realized that a relationship with one of her guy friends from church was becoming more and more serious. They weren't dating, but they always seemed to end up together in groups, and they talked on the phone quite often. Upon realizing this, Sheena decided to sit down with her friend and express her concern: "I really want to be friends with you, but I think we focus a little too much time on each other." Though Sheena struggled to muster the nerve to say this, that little conversation helped keep the friendship on the right track.

Starting with a clean slate doesn't always involve a breakup. Sometimes it simply means refocusing a relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.

Be Humble

starting with a clean slate 115

2. Make your parents your teammates.

You'll need two things as you live out a new attitude toward relationships: wisdom and accountability. Ideally, both of these should come from your parents. You need your mom and dad. (i realize that not everyone has the opportunity to benefit from relationships with both parents, but even so, I believe that you can gain valuable insight from whichever parent or guardian you most trust.)

Why do I say we need to gain wisdom and accountability from our parents? Because I can see how I shot myself in the foot by not trusting my parents in the past. When I was in high school, I hid my relationships from my parents. If I liked someone, I wouldn't let my parents know. I feared that if they got involved they'd mess things up. What a mistake! By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from the God given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes.

I've spent the last several years learning to be open and honest with my parents about my romantic interests. And as I've done this, I've made an incredible discovery: My mom and dad are on my side! What a relief to tell them what I'm going through! These conversations don't have to be embarrassing or confrontational. I just go to my parents and say, "I've been thinking about so-and-so. What do you guys think of her?" Or "I'm really distracted by this person. Would you pray for me?"

As I openly discuss my thoughts and feelings with my parents, they can remind me of the commitments I've made (a pretty girl can so easily make me forget them!). They can also provide prayer and counsel. But they can't do this unless I choose to

When Dad and Mom Aren't Around

As I mentioned earlier, I realize that some people just don't have the option to involve their parents in this way. Maybe your parents are divorced, non-Christians, or just completely uninterested in being involved. Or you may be living away from home.

If you're in one of these situations, please understand that God can provide all the support you need. He does this through His Holy Spirit and through the lives of other Christians in your local church. If you need to find a mentor who will give you wisdom and accountability regarding your relationships, ask God to show you who to turn to. Then, when He brings a mentor into your life, actively invite that person's input. If you're not already involved in a church, find one and ask a godly older man or woman there to fill the role of adopted dad or mom as you navigate the sea of romantic relationships.

Whatever your circumstances, don't procrastinate. Develop a support team to help you stay on track.

3. Establish protective boundaries.

After you've formed your "team," you need to establish boundaries and guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex. Sit down with your mom and dad or mentor, and ask questions such as "What constitutes a romantic setting? When is going out with someone appropriate, and when would it lead to premature intimacy?" Think through some of the situations that might arise. What do you do when someone feels attracted to you or vice versa? How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex? How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?

Setting boundaries like these will allow you to respond with confidence in different situations. For example, I have committed

starting with a clean slate 117 to avoiding situations that could lead to temptation. For me, being alone with a girl in an empty house is one such situation. So I've created a boundary about this issue: I will not go to a girl's home if no one else is there. If a girl calls me, invites me to come over, and mentions in passing that her parents aren't home, I don't have to weigh the

4. Check who's whispering in your ear. Finally, keep an eye on your influences. Who and what you listen to, read, and watch will either encourage or conflict with your commitment to pursue God's best in relationships.

I remember talking to a girl at my church who commented on how dissatisfied she felt after watching romantic movies. "It makes me wonder,

"Why doesn't that happen to me?"'" she said. Does anything in your life cause that kind of discontentment? If so, then maybe you need to consider cutting out some things. Maybe you need to stop reading romance novels and watching soap operas because they encourage ungodly longings within you. Perhaps you need to turn off the radio because much of today's music exalts a false definition of love. You might need to tune out some of your favorite TV shows because they mock your beliefs about purity. Whatever even tempts you toward discontent or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off.

You may find that a similar principle applies to spending too much time with friends who are obsessed with the dating scene. I'm not saying that you should dump your friends because they encourage you to dwell on dating, but I do think

118 joshua harris you should be aware of how your friends affect your thoughts. Ask yourself these questions: Are these people negatively affecting me? How can I be a positive influence on them without compromising my convictions? The answer might involve spending less time with certain people or choosing to spend time with them in different settings. Pray for these friends and love them, but honestly assess their influence on you. And ask God to bring people into your life who will provide support for your standards and beliefs.

let's live it

The pastor A. Will Tozer once preached a particularly convicting sermon to his congregation. One person who heard it recalls that, had he so desired, Tozer could have filled the altar with a repentant, sobbing throng. But Tozer wasn't interested in a display of emotion. Instead of delivering an altar call, Tozer told his