Fire Down Below (29 page)

***

I walk in the general direction
that Suzy pointed until I see the long bar that runs across the length of the room
where people are sitting on stools. There’s quite a crowd and I scan through it
searching for Ben. I don’t see him and I find myself hoping that Suzy was
wrong. Maybe she only saw someone she thought was Ben.

But then I spot him.

He’s sitting right near the end. It
jolts me to see him here. He looks handsome and relaxed. I notice that he’s
definitely with someone. I can see him bending nearer to talk to her and they
appear quite cozy. Immediately I see that it isn’t Rochelle. This woman has
straight chin length blonde hair and is wearing a black hoodie.  

Before I know it I’m walking
towards them, running plausible theories through my head. Maybe he knows her from
work or maybe she’s a friend of Stacey’s. When I’m about four feet away from
them, Ben suddenly sees me. And it’s in that moment I realize Suzy is right.
Something is very off here. The look on his face says it all. He’s shocked.

“
Kate
?” He stares at me and
then glances down at the woman he’s with.

I stare at her too as she turns in
her chair. To my surprise she looks familiar, though I can’t place her.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I thought you were out buying new chains for your jeep.”

“Uh, I’m going to pick them up
later. I’m just meeting a friend for dinner. Are you here with Suzy and
Lauren?”

“I am.” I turn to the woman he’s
with. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Kate, Ben’s fiancé. What’s your name?”

She gives me a smug grin and I
feel like slapping it right off her face. “Yes, I know who you are. I’m
Heather.”

“Heather,” I repeat, thinking of
that note I saw in Ben’s bag. And then it comes to me. I remember another note
from months ago, back when Ben and I first started dating again. It came from
that waitress at Bella Luna’s, the one who looked like a Pomeranian dog. I
remember she gave Ben her phone number and email. I understand now why this
girl in front of me looks so familiar. Because it’s
her—
little Miss Best-In-Show—but
how? I’m confused because I distinctly remember tearing up that piece of paper
with all her information on it.

I study Ben’s guilty face, trying
to figure this out. How did he contact her?

Then I understand and I feel like
the biggest fool in the world. He must have given her
his
email and
phone number. It didn’t matter that I tore up that paper. She could still
contact
him
. The whole thing was a farce. A charade. When I think about how
he carried on, telling me I’m the only woman he’s interested in, and how he
spent the rest of the night making passionate love to me my blood boils.

“You bastard!” And before I can
stop myself I pick up a glass of water from the bar and throw it in his face.

“Jesus, Kate!”

I hear the restaurant around us
quiet down as all eyes turn our way. Good, I think. Let them look. I know how
much Ben hates a scene. He won’t even hold my hand in public. I hope he’s
embarrassed to death.

He picks up a napkin and wipes his
face. “What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?”

“No, I haven’t, but apparently you
have, because you’ve been lying to me. Obviously you’ve been in contact with
this little tramp the whole time we’ve been together.”

“Excuse me,” Miss Best-In-Show
says, glaring at me. “You’d better watch who you’re calling a tramp.”

“I’m calling
you
a tramp,”
I say.

She makes a move like she’s going
to stand up, but then thinks better of it when she sees the murderous gleam in
my eyes.  

“Kate, knock it off! You have no
idea what you’re talking about. Heather and I are just friends.”

“And that’s why you’ve never told
me about her before, because you’re just friends?”

Ben looks uneasy and then glances
around at all the people watching us. His expression changes to stone. “We’ll
discuss this later.”

“Yes, why don’t you
go
,”
Heather has the nerve to say to me.

“Why don’t you mind your own
business?” I say back. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you go find your own
man instead of trying to steal someone else’s you skanky bitch.”

“That’s enough! Come on Kate,
we’re leaving.” Ben puts his hand on my arm as if he expects me to walk to the
door with him.

“Get your hands off me. I’m not
leaving with you!” I pull away and glare at him. “I sure hope it’s good with her
Ben, because you will NEVER touch me again!”

***

I walk shakily back towards the
table I had with Lauren and Suzy, only to find them both standing at the edge of
the seating area. Clearly they saw the whole thing.

As I walk towards them a few of the
women in the restaurant call out to me. “You go girl!” someone says and “That’s
telling him!” I glance over at them and try to smile, though in reality I can’t
even feel my face move. All I keep thinking is I’m in a bad dream I wish I
could wake up from. I can’t believe I’m going through the same horrible thing
with Ben all over again. Isn’t it bad enough that he broke my heart once? Now
he has to break it again?  

Lauren immediately insists that we
go to her house. Both she and Suzy are talking to me, but I’m in such a daze
that it barely even registers what they’re saying. Suzy is staring at me with a
worried expression.

“Are you okay to drive?”

“Yes, let’s get out of here. Are
they gone yet?” I motion over my shoulder.

Suzy nods. “They just left.”

A few minutes later the three of
us leave as well. Even though Lauren lives on the other side of Lake Washington
the drive to her house feels like nothing. I keep thinking about the shock on
Ben’s face when he first saw me at the restaurant. It wasn’t just shock, I
realize. It was dismay. He was dismayed that I was there. And that’s not the
way you look at someone you’re in love with. That’s the way you look at someone
you don’t want to be with.

Once we’re inside Lauren’s house, she
and Suzy go into full mothering mode. They guide me into the living room and
sit me down. Lauren breaks out the emergency vodka from her freezer and pours a
couple of glasses for us. Suzy gets out a pint of ice cream and begins eating.

“Hey, I thought that ice cream was
supposed to be for me,” I say.

“It is, but I’m pregnant and can’t
drink.”

“Fair enough.” I pick up my glass
and take a large swallow, shivering as the alcohol burns going down. “I probably
shouldn’t have thrown that water in Ben’s face. I was so pissed! I couldn’t
believe he was there with her.”

Lauren turns to me. “Do you know
her? Was that Rochelle?”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t Rochelle,
it was someone else.” And I tell them how Ben and I spent that passionate night
on his deck and how he carried on, telling me I was the only woman he wanted.
“What a crock! He was obviously keeping his options open even back then.”

“It does sound that way,” Suzy
agrees.

“That fucking bastard!” Lauren slams
her drink down.

Both Suzy and I look at her in
surprise. Lauren rarely swears.

“Listen,” she says, “I know what
it’s like to be cheated on—okay? At least you’re finding out what kind of man
he is now before you get married. You don’t want to go through what I did.”

“I can’t believe Ben is that kind
of man though. He never used to be. He must have changed and I didn’t notice. I
saw what I wanted to—you know? The Ben from my twenties. The one I was still in
love with.”

Suzy swallows a bite of ice cream.
“He might not be sleeping with her.”

“Maybe,” I say, “but something is
obviously going on.”

“Do you think you’d still marry
him if he stopped seeing her?”

I consider her words. After the
scene I made at the restaurant I doubt Ben would want to still marry me, but I
don’t think I want to marry him either. “I don’t know.”

***

When I get home it’s after
midnight. Lauren wanted me to stay over, but I really needed to go home, take a
hot bath, and pull my thoughts together.  Once I walk in the door, I see Ben’s
shoes. For a moment I’m confused and think he’s here, but then realize it’s
just some shoes he left behind. Looking around I see all sorts of things that
belong to him. A flash of anger rips through me and I immediately grab a trash
bag from under the sink and throw stuff inside—clothes, shoes, jackets,
toothbrush, all those bottles of vitamins, that jar of spirulina from the
fridge, climbing magazines, CD’s—everything. When I’ve gathered all I can find,
I drag the trash bag onto my front porch and leave it there, figuring when he
wants his stuff back this is where he’ll find it.

During my bath I hear my doorbell
ring and know it has to be Ben. I’m surprised he’s not with her, but then he’d have
to show up here sometime. Besides, Ben’s never been much of a procrastinator. Me,
on the other hand, I’d rather not deal with him, so I sink further into my bath,
hoping he’ll go away. Instead a few seconds later I hear him walking through my
house. He has a key. How could I forget that?

“Kate?” he opens the bathroom door
and tries to come inside.

“Get out!”

“Why is all my stuff in a garbage
bag on the front porch?” he yells through the door.

“Why do you think?”

I hear him grumble and then walk
into the other room. Quickly I get out of the tub and wrap a bathrobe around
myself. When I find him he’s sitting on the couch in the living room wearing a somber
expression on his face.

I sit in my leopard chair and glare
at him. The room is dim with only a single lamp lit. The only sounds are
distant noises in the neighborhood. Someone’s dog barks and then a car ignition
starts down the street.

“I’m not sleeping with her,” he
finally says.

“Ben, you were on a date with
another woman. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but you’re engaged to me.”

When he doesn’t respond I ask him the
same question I did earlier—if it’s so innocent between him and Heather, why is
it that he’s never mentioned her before?

“Why do you think? Because I knew
you’d react like this.”

“You gave her your email and phone
number that night we were at Bella Luna’s, didn’t you?”

He shrugs. “I gave her my email
after she gave me hers. I didn’t think anything of it.”

“But then you had me tear up that
paper. You acted like you weren’t interested in her or anyone else besides me.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever hear from
her and I didn’t really care one way or the other.  She emailed me though and
we sort of hit it off.  I wasn’t lying to you that night. You were the only
woman I wanted. ”

“Obviously that’s changed now
though, huh?”

“I guess...it’s hard to explain.”

“Have you kissed her?”

He glances at me and then looks
away.

“What else?” I ask, feeling cold
inside. “Have you touched her, fucked her, what?”

He turns back. “We made out a couple
times—all right? Is that what you want to hear? I just told you I’ve never slept
with her, I wouldn’t do that. What does it matter though? Everything is so difficult
between us. Aren’t you tired of it?”

“And that’s the reason—because it’s
easier with her?”

“Yes, it’s easier. We have things
in common. The only thing you and I seem to have in common is sex. I kept
hoping things would be like they were. I was so in love with you. I loved you
for years. It’s like I couldn’t even let go of it, but now I’m realizing it’s
not possible for things to be like they once were.”

It makes my heart ache to hear him
say this, but if I’m honest with myself I know it’s true. “We can’t go back. You’re
right. We’re different people now. We can only go forward.”

He lets out a deep breath and puts
his head back. “Maybe we should just take a break for a while.”

“You mean break up, don’t you?”

There’s a resigned expression on
his face. “I think it’s for the best.”

I give a curt nod, but don’t say
anything more.

“I should also tell you that I’m
going away for Christmas.”

I almost laugh. “Let me guess. You
decided to go climbing in the Andes?”

He’s startled. “How did you know
that?”

“When were you planning to tell
me?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a
while, but I didn’t know if it was going to work out or not.  Listen, you’re
still welcome to spend Christmas at my parent’s house. I’m sure they wouldn’t
mind.”

Have I entered the Twilight Zone? Not
only are Ben and I breaking up, but now I’m reduced to spending Christmas with his
mother whom I detest, and who is no longer even going to be my future
mother-in-law, and is probably the last person on earth I want to spend
Christmas with.

“No thanks. I’ll figure something
else out.”

“You know, this isn’t entirely my
fault. What about you and Declan? Don’t tell me something isn’t going on there.
I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”

“And how is that?”

Ben doesn’t say anything. When he
speaks his voice sounds sad. “The way you and I once did a long time ago.”

Our eyes meet and now it’s my turn
to look away.

“You’re closer to him than you are
to me. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“Don’t blame this on Declan—okay?
I’m not dating him behind your back. We’re close because we’re friends.”

“So you keep saying. Maybe you
need to examine your feelings and decide what you really want.”

I let out a deep breath, but don’t
say anything.

  “Believe it or not Kate, when all
is said and done I still want us to be friends.”

I gaze down at the diamond ring
twinkling on my finger and decide to take it off. “Here.” I hold it out to him.

“I gave that to you. It’s yours.”

“I don’t want it.” My voice sounds
harsher then I intend and I try to soften it. “It was your grandmother’s, Ben.
Your family should have it back.”

He puts his hand out and I drop
the ring inside. It was never really mine anyway. Looking at my finger I
realize it doesn’t look as empty as I thought it would. Instead it looks like me,
my hand, the one I’ve gotten to know quite well over the years. And that’s not
such a bad thing.