Authors: Andrea Simonne
***
The next morning we’re up at seven.
The sun is shining, but it’s early autumn, so the air has a definite bite. Ben
encouraged me to dress in layers before we left, so I don’t feel cold. It’s strange
sitting around eating breakfast with everyone without having so much as combed
my hair or put on any makeup. There’s a line to use the shower facilities, so I’m
eating scrambled eggs and beans waiting for it to clear out. I notice that many
of the women in our group are quite attractive, and unlike me, they obviously
thrive in this kind of outdoorsy environment.
As I sit in my camping chair people—watching
and drinking instant coffee, I have to wonder—why didn’t Ben wind up with one
of them? What the heck does he see in me?
I’ve only been here one night and
have already screamed twice. The first time was when I found a spider in my
sleeping bag. The second time was when I got up to go pee in the middle of the
night and a leaf got caught in my hair. (I thought it was another spider.)
Ben tried to act light hearted
about it, but I could tell he was annoyed. I felt silly and apologized, but
what does he expect? It’s not like I’m used to camping.
“Hey there little Miss Muffet!” Josh,
one of Ben’s climbing buddies comes over to us. “I haven’t heard a peep out of
you all morning. I guess the beasties are leaving you alone, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say, still feeling
embarrassed.
“Don’t worry, after a while you
get so used to them—they’re almost like pets.”
I groan. “That’s hard to imagine.”
“It’s true. Just wait and see.” He
grins and gives me a wink. I smile back wishing Ben could be more easygoing
like this. Josh looks over at him, “Talia says she wants to come with us and do
some lead climbing, is that all right with you?”
“I thought she hurt her ankle.”
Josh shrugs. “She said it feels better.”
“As long as she’s all right. It’s
fine by me.”
They talk about the weather a
little and then discuss climbing routes with weird names like Zebra and Lion’s
Jaw, throwing numbers around, which from what I can gather is the difficulty
rating of the various climbs. As I watch the way people interact with Ben it’s
clear that he’s one of the more experienced climbers and is definitely well
respected by everyone.
A short time later when the line
for the bathroom finally goes away I head in there to try and pull myself
together.
I nearly scream again when I see my
reflection in the mirror.
I look like a hillbilly woman
straight from
Deliverance
. Frantically I dig out my hairbrush and makeup
bag. I pull my hair back into a ponytail and put on some mascara, blush, and lip-gloss.
I notice I’m the only one doing the makeup thing. Everyone is nice to me, but in
that Northwest kind of way, which means they’re polite, but not particularly friendly.
When I get back to our campsite I
find that Ben, Josh, and his girlfriend Talia are already packed and ready to
go. I get my stuff together and we drive out to the parking lot near the
climbing area. It’s only a short distance there and I’m relieved there’s no big
hike involved today.
Once we arrive at Morning Glory
Wall and I see all the other people already climbing, I have to admit I’m
impressed. The Wall is steep and it’s hard for me to even imagine attempting
something like this. I feel totally out of place, but decide I don’t care as I
get comfortable in a folding chair with my binoculars, camera, and the current
issue of
In Style
, ready to watch Ben. Luckily he’s the lead climber, so
I don’t have to wait long.
A few other people come over and set
up chairs near mine and are giving a running commentary on him as he starts to climb,
though I have no idea what they’re talking about since it’s mostly technical
jargon.
As it turns out, it doesn’t really
matter whether I understand what they’re saying because I can see with my own
eyes that Ben is kicking ass. He’s really good. In fact, he’s so strong and graceful
it’s astonishing. I can barely take my eyes off him. As he gradually makes his
way up the wall, I watch him through binoculars, wishing I’d bought a telephoto
lens for my camera.
“He’s amazing isn’t he?” I hear a
voice directed my way. Talia has set up her chair next to mine.
“He makes it look easy, but I’m
guessing it’s not easy at all.”
“No, it’s not. Ben is a great technical
lead though.”
I pick up the binoculars again.
Ben is dipping his fingers into a small bag attached to his belt in back which,
from what he’s told me, is filled with chalk to keep his hands dry. When he
climbs again I can see the powerful muscles in his back and arms working as he
reaches up for each fingerhold in the rock. In truth I’m getting turned on
watching him. Who would have thought? When he gets to a small ledge, he stops
and does something with the rope, then yells down to Josh.
“What’s he doing?” I ask Talia.
“That’s the first pitch,” she says.
“Now Josh will climb up following Ben’s lead and then they’ll start on the
second pitch, with Ben as the lead again and Josh on belay.”
“Belay?”
Talia explains how the person
acting on belay supports the lead climber by holding on to the rope and feeding
it to them. If the lead climber falls the belayer will lock off the rope to stop
their fall.
I gaze up at the climbers again.
“Do people fall very often?” The thought of Ben falling from such a height
makes my stomach queasy.
“Sometimes, but we’re all extremely
safety conscious.” She holds out her right foot. “I fell a couple weeks ago and
sprained my ankle.”
“Is that why you’re not up there
today?”
“Yeah, it was only a mild sprain. I
was hoping it would be better by now, but when I tried climbing this morning I
realized it’s still not healed.”
“You should try eating a lot of
pineapple,” I say, remembering something one of Lauren’s old boyfriends once
told me. He played soccer for the Sounders and was always eating pineapples and
drinking pineapple juice. “It’s supposed to help with sports injuries.” That
was during Lauren’s date-a-professional-athlete phase which took place right
before the current John Cusack phase. She also went out with a Mariner and a
Seahawk, before she finally decided that “jocks just aren’t my thing.”
“Oh? I’ve never heard of that. I’ll
try it.” Talia studies me. “You know I think Ben really likes you. I’ve seen
him with other women and I can tell he’s into you.”
I smile, not quite sure how to
respond. After all, Ben more than
likes
me. “How long have you and Josh
been dating?”
“A year. We met on Mount Rainier and
have been together ever since.”
“He’s a nice guy. It’s great that
you two have so much in common.”
“Yeah, it’s been awesome. We
usually go climbing every weekend, though unfortunately I’m not going to be
able to go with them to Peru this winter.”
“Peru?”
She nods, taking a sip from her water
canister. “Hasn’t Ben told you? He and Josh were invited to go climbing down in
the Andes for a few weeks at the end of December.”
“No, he hasn’t said a word.”
“Oh.” She acts uncomfortable.
“Well, I don’t think he said he was going for certain or anything. I’m sure
he’ll tell you about it once he decides.”
I’m silent, wondering why Ben wouldn’t
have mentioned any of this to me. December isn’t that far away. I feel hurt
that Talia knows more about his plans than I do.
I lean back in my chair and watch
Ben through the binoculars until I finally lose sight of him. I spend the rest
of the afternoon wandering around with my camera, learning how to use it. I do
a lot of nature shots and shots of people climbing. I catch glimpses of Ben at various
times, and while I don’t have a chance to talk to him, I do manage a few nice photos.
I’ve never been interested in photography before, which is odd in a way I
guess, since I used to paint in a style that resembled it, but I have to admit
I’m having fun. Plus it’s nice to be able to spend time supporting Ben in
something he enjoys.
***
Later that evening, after a dinner
of apples, garlic naan, and these Indian food packets that Ben brought, we
settle around a large campfire. It’s chilly outside, but the heat from the fire
feels good as everyone relaxes and tells stories, reliving the events of the
day. Ben and I are sitting in folding chairs next to each other. While most other
people do the same, some also sit on blankets and sleeping bags.
Ben is totally content with a
permanent lazy grin on his face. He’s downright tranquil and I have to admit
it’s an appealing side to him.
“Do you want some roasted
marshmallows?” I ask, after someone passes me the bag that’s going around.
“Sure.”
I pick out a couple of sticks for
us and then go sit next to the fire for a few minutes, watching as our
marshmallows turn brown. When they’re done I head back over to my chair. As I
pass Ben, he reaches out and pulls me onto his lap. I look at him in surprise, but
he just grins.
“Those look good, but you look
even better.”
“Is that so?” I say teasingly.
“Ben—Dude!” Someone yells over. “You
were strong all day, but that second pitch on Zebra was sick!”
A few other people chime in
their agreement and Ben chuckles self-effacingly. They go over Ben’s various
climbs, asking him for details. As he talks, I feel quite cozy on his lap, listening
to the conversation and eating my roasted marshmallows. I’m surprised he’s
being so affectionate with me in front of everyone, but I definitely like it.
At some point when the topic
shifts away from Ben, I begin feeding pieces to him. He watches me as I pull
the marshmallow apart, blowing on the inside to cool it down before bringing it
to his lips. On the last bite he takes my two fingers and puts them in his
mouth, gently sucking on them, running his tongue around to get the sugar off
each one. The night air is cold, but his mouth feels hot and wet. The
conflicting sensation is so erotic that when he slowly pulls my fingers out I can
barely catch my breath.
“You’re so sweet,” he says in a
soft voice. “I love the way you taste.”
Desire flames through me and I
lean in so my mouth is close to his. It feels intimate to be sitting like this
even though we’re surrounded by people. I don’t kiss him yet though, but softly
brush my lips against his, letting my tongue flicker out. He closes his eyes,
but I keep mine open slightly. His lips feel warm and soft and I can tell by
the way he’s breathing that he’s getting aroused. Eventually he reaches his
breaking point because he suddenly pulls me hard against him, groaning into my
mouth when our tongues collide.
We kiss passionately—too
passionately—considering we’re not alone and I force myself to pull away. Ben
puts his hand on my cheek and tries to draw me in again, but I shake my head.
“Let’s go to our tent,” I
whisper.
He shifts his gaze from my mouth up
to my eyes and nods.
As we unfold ourselves from the
chair and walk together, I can sense we’re being watched and when I glance around
I see a few knowing smiles. Apparently it’s obvious to everyone what we’re up
to and it feels weird. I’m not used to sharing an intimacy with a big group of people.
Once we’re inside our tent, Ben
zips the front shut while I kick off my shoes and wiggle down into our connected
sleeping bags. It’s dark, but there’s enough ambient light that we can still see
each other. He lies down and pulls me over to him, so that I’m lying halfway on
top of his chest.
We don’t kiss right away. Instead Ben
slides his hand under my sweater and gently caresses my back, brushing along my
skin with the tips of his fingers. Despite all the heat between us, he’s
peaceful in a way that’s new to me. Ben is normally so high energy that even
when he’s relaxed he seems tense. It occurs to me that he doesn’t just climb
for the sport or because it’s fun, but because he needs the release he gets
from doing something that’s so physically demanding. I remember how aroused I
felt watching him earlier and I can’t help but smile.
“What are you thinking?” he asks.
“It turned me on watching you climb
today.” I stroke his jaw. “I had no idea it would be so sexy.”
Ben chuckles and then closes his
eyes. He shakes his head slowly. “Of course it turned you on. What
doesn’t
turn you on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re so easily aroused, Kate.
Everything I do.” He opens his eyes, but doesn’t look at me. “I’ve never been
with a woman who responds to me in the way you do. It’s like I’m totally helpless
against it.” At first I think he’s complimenting me, but when he meets my gaze
I’m surprised by a flash of bitterness in his eyes.
Neither of us says anything more
after that. Instead we lay there in silence and I realize he feels the same way
I do. He desires me, but he resents me for it too. I’m not his soul mate any
more than he’s mine, yet we’re pulled into this relationship despite ourselves.
It’s just like it was all those years ago. Nothing has changed. We’re still two
people toeing our way around the edges of a cyclone.
“Ben, maybe—“
“Shhh,” he cuts me off, “don’t say
anything more. I love you. That’s all that matters.”
And then he rolls on top of me,
shushing me with his mouth and hands, pulling up my sweater, pushing down my
jeans. There’s franticness between us as we only remove whatever clothing we
have to. I put my arms around him, breathing him in—sweat and smoke from the
fire, earthy smells, his own incense. When he’s finally inside me it feels so
good that I want to get lost in it like I always do, but instead I hold back, self-conscious
now about what he said—that I’m too easily aroused. I feel embarrassed. Am I
really too passionate? I can’t help who I am though. It’s like he’s broken the
spell or something. Criticized the one area in our lives that was sacrosanct.
His mouth trails down my neck while
he pushes my knee up high, manipulating me in the way that he knows I like. I start
to give in despite myself. I want it to be good and for a short while it is,
but the memory of the bitterness in his eyes lingers. Eventually he climaxes
and afterward I lay there completely still.
“Are you all right Kate? I could
tell you didn’t come.”
“I was thinking about what you
said.”
He’s quiet. “Let’s forget it—okay?
It didn’t mean anything. I’m not even sure why I said it. Obviously sex is the
one thing that’s always been fantastic between us.”
“I really want this to work Ben,
but you’re too harsh with me.”
“I know.” He sighs. “I can be critical.
I’ll try to lighten up.”
“Will you really try?”
“I want this to work too, Kate.
More than you know.” He’s silent and when he speaks again, his voice is low. “It’s
weird, but I don’t think I ever fell out of love with you. All those years we
were apart? I still loved you. I never got over it.”
I’m stunned, but then I put my
hand on his chest and hold it there, feeling the warmth of his skin. “Me too.”
He meets my gaze in the darkened
tent. “Really?”
“I never got over you either.” And
when I say it, it’s as much to myself as to Ben because I know how true it is.
Every relationship I’ve had since Ben has been measured and viewed through the lens
of what we once had together.
“We’re not the best match though,”
he continues, “I know that, but I still want you. It’s crazy. I sometimes even
wonder what would have happened if we’d gotten married.”
“I’ve wondered the same thing. We
never talk about when we broke up. I never told you this, but when you left it
was really bad for me.” I turn my face away, trying to catch my breath as tears
rush into my eyes. “I felt shattered.” My voice breaks as I put my hands up to
my face and start crying.
Ben tenses at my sudden outburst, but
then softens. “Come here.” He pulls me into his arms, holding me while I sob. “I
was so hurt that you were making all those plans back then that I wasn’t even
thinking about how you felt. I should have listened to what you wanted and I’m
sorry for that. I really am.” He strokes my hair and I cry for a long time,
trying not to be too loud so the whole campground doesn’t hear me. It’s all come
back to me, the way I felt, how I swore I never wanted to go through something
like that again. It’s affected me in a myriad of ways I didn’t even understand.
I’ve been afraid to give my heart to anyone ever since.
Eventually I manage to calm down, my
face wet with tears and snot. Ben gropes behind us and then hands me his t-shirt.
“Here, blow your nose.”
“In your shirt?”
“It’s the least I can do to make
up for acting like a jerk.”
I smile, wiping my eyes. “At least
you admit that you were a jerk.”
“Yeah,” he smiles back. “I have
that much going for me.”
I clean my face and blow my nose.
When I’m done I watch him with my chin on my knee.
“I’m sorry too,” I finally say.
“Sorry for what?”
“For the way I acted back then.” I
let out a deep breath, as tears threaten to well up once more. “I never put you
first. I took you for granted and I shouldn’t have done that. It’s because I
was young and dumb and didn’t know any better, but I’m sorry for it. If I could
go back and change things I would because I know that it hurt you.”
For a long moment he doesn’t respond
and then he closes his eyes and nods his head slightly. I lie down and put my
arms around him, so my face is against his. His cheek is wet and it’s only then
that I realize he’s crying. Of course this makes me cry again too. I wrap
myself tightly around him and we stay like that, hugging each other. It feels
right and while I feel sad for past mistakes, I’m grateful that I can at least
let him know how much he meant to me and that I wish I hadn’t been so
thoughtless.
After a while we’re both still and
I wonder if Ben has fallen asleep, but then he stirs beside me, sniffing and wiping
his face.
“Man, my nose is running like
crazy. Where’s that shirt?”
I smile and then reach for it. “I
only used the corner, so the rest is still dry.”
When he’s finished blowing his
nose he lies back down again. “I haven’t cried in ages. That was really cathartic.
It’s weird how something can stay with you and affect you years later, even
when you think you’re over it.”
“I know. I guess there’s unfinished
business between us.”
He nods and pulls me against him and
I snuggle in close. I feel better than I have in a long time. It’s like a cool
breeze has blown through me clearing away the last of the parts that were
shattered. It’s a relief to finally have it all out in the open and it was good
to not only hear an apology, but to offer one too. I’m surprised how much I
needed that. Absentmindedly I stroke his chest and down to his stomach. His
skin is so smooth and firm that it feels nice touching him. Before I know it my
hand is on his cock and I’m coaxing him into a semi-erection.
“Shall we have another go at it?”
I say, smiling up at him.
His eyes are closed, but he opens
them with a drowsy gaze. “I wish I could Kate, but I’m beat.”
“Are you serious?”
He nods and yawns, closing his
eyes again while I stare at him in astonishment. Ben never says no to sex a
second, third, or even a fourth time. It’s unheard of. He may have his faults,
but a lack of stamina certainly isn’t one of them. I’m tempted to go down on
him and see if he’s really that tired, but as I’m watching him it’s clear that
he’s already drifting off to sleep.
“Wow,” I say in an awestruck
voice. “I don’t believe it. You’re
human
.”
He smirks with his eyes closed.
“Very funny.”