Find You in the Dark (45 page)

  
Maggie,

 
I'm not sure I should be writing this.  I feel like it's incredibly selfish of me to need to write these words and to need you to read them – to need you to know they are true.  As if I am more entitled to these feelings than you are.  But I'm not.  Your thoughts, the way you feel, every single thing about you, means everything to me.

 
I guess that's why I'm writing.  There isn't a second of every day that passes that I don't think about you.  You are everywhere.  I can still smell your hair, hear you cursing me when I drive too fast, and feel your breath as I fall asleep.

 
It hurts to remember you.  But it scares me to try and forget.  I remember you telling me that my love for you shouldn't hurt, that it should be something wonderful.  And it is.  It is the most wonderful thing I've ever had.  But the truth is, it does hurt.  My love for you destroyed everything around us and almost destroyed you, and I hate myself for that.

 
You deserve so much more than me.  You always have.  I hope you do find what you deserve one day.  Someone who can love you selflessly and unconditionally without baggage and strings.  Someone who doesn't let you leave your family behind.  Someone you don't have to follow into hell.

 
I am a selfish person, Mags.  Because I still love you and I know that I will until I die.  And even as I tell you to move on with your life and live it - to find someone else, I pray you don't.  Because I can't handle the thought of anyone else holding you, anyone else touching you, anyone else experiencing your love the way I did. 

 
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to tell you here.  I can  see the frown on your face as you're reading this and hear you telling me to spit it out and get on with it. (
I smiled through my tear-filled eyes at that comment.  Clay knew me too well)
.

 
I suppose what I'm really trying to say is thank you.  Thank you for giving me the most beautiful and amazing months of my life.  Thank you for loving me in spite of me.  Thank you for giving me hope and light, even if it was only for a little while.  And I want to tell you again, I'm sorry.  I should have been stronger and let you lean on me, instead of forcing you to shoulder the burden for both of us.

 
I realize my love for you crippled both of us. 

 
But your love saved me. 

 
Which is why this has to be goodbye.  I can't stomach the thought of you waiting for me, for a person that I may never be.  I'm trying to get better.  But it's a hard and bitter road and I don't know when, or even if, I will ever be completely okay. 

 
I want you to move on.  To live your life, even if it rips me apart to not live it with you.  I can't even give you the hope that there is a maybe at the end of all this.  Because I would hate to kill that hope again. 

 
Just know that you are and always will be my world.  You found me in the dark and saved me from myself.  You have shown me the type of person I want to be and I strive to be him.  For you and for me. 

 
I will love you forever.

 
Always,

 
Clay

 
Wow.  I dropped the letter at my feet and made no effort to wipe the tears that streamed down my face.  Whatever I had been expecting, that wasn't it. 

 
Damn Clay Reed and his stupid back and forth crap!  How perfectly typical of him.  Telling me how much he loved me and in the next breath pushing me away.  He had effectively shut me out of his life.  Again.  He wanted me to move on.  To live my life.  He told me not to wait for him, that he wouldn't be coming back to me. 

 
I found it hard to breathe as I faced the finality of his words.  We were over.  There was no more
us
.  I couldn't help but feel anger and betrayal at how he gave up.  How he just let go of all that we had. 

 
I picked the letter up from the floor and balled it in my fist, planning to throw it away.  But I stopped myself.  I placed the paper on my desk and smoothed it out.  I couldn't get rid of it.  It was my last link to him, and I needed that. 

 
So I put it in the very bottom of my desk drawer.  I didn't want to see it again, but I couldn't let go of it either.  I couldn’t read his goodbye, but I had to know that it was still there.  That his love was a real thing.  That I hadn't imagined it.

 
I felt older, and maybe just a little bit wiser.  I had my own baggage and strings and it would take time for me to lighten my load.  But I would. 

 
Because I was Maggie Young.  And from now on I vowed to stay out of the dark.

                      
A Sneak Peak at the sequel to “
Find You in the Dark
”....

             
             
             
      
Light in the Shadows

             
             
             
             
             
       Chapter 1

             
             
             
             
             
       ~Clay~

  “
You're cheating!  There is no freaking way you can win six rounds of poker!”  The scrawny boy across the table from me said, throwing his cards down in frustration.  I chuckled, as I scooped up the pile of red and blue chips, adding them to my pile.

  “
I warned you that there was no way you could beat me Tyler.  Not my fault that you didn't take my advice.”  Tyler grumbled under his breath but grabbed the pile of cards and started to shuffle them again.

 
I leaned back in the wing back chair waiting for my friend to deal.  I had been at the Grayson Center for almost three months.  I was enrolled in a 90 day program and my time was almost up.  Looking around the recreation room, I would actually be kind of sad when I had to leave.

 
Which is weird considering how much I had fought coming here in the first place.  Once I had gotten over my anger and oppositional reaction to treatment, I sort of came to enjoy my time there and found that the staff and the other patients did something I never thought possible. 

 
They showed me how to heal.

 
And that's what I was doing.  Slowly.  Not that I expected a perfect fix in three months.  I realized my healing would take years.  And there were days I never thought I would be able to leave and live a decent life outside the supports of the center and the safety of its walls.  But then there were good days, like today, when I felt like I could take on the world.

 
Like I could find my way back to Maggie.

  “
What's with the goofy smile, bro?  You look like an idiot.”  Tyler said good- naturedly as he tossed out cards.  I blinked, taken away from my happy thoughts and picked up my cards.  “Nothin' man.  Just having a good day.”

 
Tyler smiled.  Other guys would probably have given me shit for acting like an emo pussy.  But not the people here.  We were all there because we
needed
to have those good days.  So we understood the importance of being happy for those who had them.

  “
Cool, Clay.  Glad to hear it.  Now, focus on the damn game.  I want to win some of my chips back.”  Tyler retorted, concentrating on his hand. 

 
I grinned before beating him soundly – yet again.

 
The group sat on the floor, kids relaxing on over sized cushions.  Looking around, I could almost imagine this was just a bunch of friends hanging out together.  Except for the two adults who sat in the middle asking them questions like “Tell me about your relationship with your family” and “How does that make you feel?”

 
Yep, group therapy was a blast. 

 
The girl to my right, a dark haired- chick, named Maria who was here to deal with her severe depression and her promiscuity brought on by serious daddy issues, was trying to figure out how to answer the question that Lydia, the female counselor, had just asked her. 

  “
Just think about your happiest memory with your mother.  It can be something simple like talking to her about your day, or a time she smiled at you.”  Lydia prompted gently.  Maria's problems, like most of the kids in the room, were  rooted firmly in the relationship with her parents. 

 
Today's group topic was trying to acknowledge the positive aspects of our familial relationships.  To say this was hard for most of us was an understatement.

 
I dreaded the groups when we had to talk about our parents in a more positive light. It was so much easier to vent about how crappy they were than actually devoting energy to searching for something nice to say.

  “
Um.  Well, I guess there was this time, I was probably like six.  And my mom took me to the park and pushed me on the swings.”  Maria volunteered, looking at Lydia and Matt, the other counselor, for approval.

 
They each nodded.  “Good.  And how did you feel then?”  Matt urged.  Maria smiled a bit.  “It felt good.  Like she...I don't know...loved me.”  The smile on her face was sad and my heart hurt for her.  I understood her need to feel loved by her mother all too well. 

 
There was some more processing and then a period of silence while everyone allowed Maria time to get herself together.  Then it was my turn.  Matt looked at me expectantly.  “Clay.  What about you?  What is a happy memory you have about your parents?”  The group looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.  Over the last two and a half months, this disclosure thing had proven difficult for me. 

 
I was not a person that revealed personal details very easily.  It had taken Maggie, the person I loved most in this world, a long time to get me to open up.  And if it was hard for me to talk to Maggie, then it was like pulling teeth to get me to open up to a group of strangers.