Find You in the Dark (37 page)

 
Clay was quiet for a few minutes.  I could feel the ragged draw of his breaths against my back, the warmth of his tears on my shoulder as he pressed against me like his life depended on it.  Then without another word, he moved his arms and I felt the cold air of our separation as he moved away from me.  Letting me go. 

 
I was shaken from my time with Clay.  I went home practically in tears and more confused than ever.  My mind was churning and I struggled against the need to run straight back to him.  I hadn't been lying when I said I needed time.  But something told me that time wasn't going to solve anything.

 
How did I reconcile myself with the fact that I had just walked away from the love of my life?  Particularly when he needed me most.  What kind of person did that make me?  I had acted on a desperate sort of self- preservation when I had left him standing alone in the woods.  I was scared and mixed up. But I couldn't think past the fact that he loved me and wanted us to be together.

 
Why couldn't that be enough?

 
I was a complicated mixture of scared and angry.  I felt like punching the wall or pulling my hair out.   It was unfortunate for my mother that she happened to walk into my room in the midst of my very real freak out. 

 
I sat at my desk, twirling my chair in circles, wishing I could grow a pair of wings and leap out of my second story window.  I had chewed my nails to the quick and was currently gnawing on the skin of my fingers.

 
I heard a light knock on my door and without waiting for permission, my mom pushed my door open with an arm load of laundry.  She wore an annoyingly perky smile and was still dressed in her office clothes.  She must have just gotten home from work.

 
She dropped the pile of clean clothes on my bed.  “How was school?”  She asked me.  I shrugged, not looking at her.  I just wanted her to leave.  I still blamed she and dad for a lot of my current situation.  Maybe if they had been more accepting of Clay, things would have been different.  Or maybe it would snow in July.  Well, whatever, I needed to blame someone and they fit the bill. 

  “
Is that a good shrug or a bad shrug?”  She asked lightly.  I shrugged again.  My mom was quiet and then I heard the squeak of my bed springs and suppressed a sigh.  Great, she wanted to
talk.
  I swung my desk chair back around and gave her my best stink eye.  “Yes?”  I asked in irritation.

 
My mom frowned at me.  “What's with the attitude?  I just wanted to know how my only child is doing.  Is it wrong for a mother to care about her daughter's well- being?”  Okay, that was it.  I was sick of their concern.  Sick to death of their overprotective mama and papa bear bullshit. 

 
I glared at my mother, the woman who had been my best friend and biggest support for most of my life.  But in that moment I forgot all about that.  Instead, all I saw when I looked at her, was my enemy.

  “
You know what mom?  If you cared about my
well- being
you'd back off and let me live my life with whomever I choose to live it with.”  I spat at her.  My mother's eyes widened in shock at my outburst. 

 
Yes, this was not the little girl she knew.  This was some crazy woman who was wearing Maggie Young's skin.  My mom drew herself upright and a stern look took over her face.  “Don't you dare speak to me that way.  Your father and I have always done what was best for you.”  I cut her off with a maniacal laugh.  “What's best for me?  Are you kidding?  You have pretty much forbidden me from seeing the only guy I'll ever love!  How is that good for me?” I shrieked at her.

 
My mom sighed and looked at me with a less than patient look on her face.  “Stop being so dramatic.  I tried to like Clayton, if you'll remember.  It doesn't change the fact that while you were with him you made terrible decisions and behaved reprehensibly.  You started lying, sneaking around, shutting out your friends.  Love doesn't make you act like that, Maggie.  No matter what you choose to believe.”  She said with irritation.

  “
You don't know the first thing about Clay and me.  You never will!” I yelled, grinding the heels of my hands into my eyes.  I felt like I was about to bust out of my skin.  I was so wound up about Clay and everything else, I just couldn't deal with my parents right now.

 
My mom took on a concerned expression.  “What's going on, Maggie?  You've always been able to tell me things.  You know I'd listen.”  For a moment, I softened.  I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to go back to the time when I felt like my mother would listen to me without condemnation and judgment. 

 
Maybe, just maybe, I could share with her everything that was going on with Clay and she'd have some advice, a suggestion or two.  And I wouldn't feel so freaking alone in all this mess.

 
But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.

  “
But you have to stop getting so worked up over that
boy
.  He is nothing but trouble.  Look at yourself, Maggie May.  Look at who you've become.  I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life.  Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?”  Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out.  Or hers.  Whichever came first.

 
I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration.  “Are you serious?”  I screeched.  I lept to my feet.  “This is total bullshit!  Nobody has taken over my life.  Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous!  Have you ever thought that maybe I'm just changing?  God forbid that I'm not your perfect little girl anymore.  That I have feelings that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and dad?!  My life is mine!  And I'm sick of your insane need to control it!”  My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.

  “
You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama.  So please, just give it a rest.”  My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained.  If there was one thing this little pow-wow accomplished, was making a decision about Clay crystal fucking clear.

 
I wouldn't turn my back on him the way everyone else always had.  He needed me and that was more important that my parents' anger and disappointment.  But I couldn't argue about this with them anymore.  I was done.  This would not be a topic of conversation between us anymore.

 
My mom's mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words.  She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant.  She stood up and looked at me as though trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.

  “
I don’t even know the person you've become, Maggie May.  This person.” She waved her hand toward me.  “Is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life.  Wake up!.  Get yourself together.” My mother said coldly.  I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.

 
I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer.  I didn’t have anything else to say.  I was all out of words.  I couldn't convince someone that was way passed convincing.  My mom walked to the door and turned back around to look at me again.  Her expression had changed to one of worry.  And I could see how much she ached for my pain.  But I also saw her grim resolve and how, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.

  “
Clay
is not
what's best for you, Maggie.  I know he's not a bad kid.  In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him.  But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from.  Sometimes, love can't make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away.  No matter how much it may hurt.” 

 
My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath.  But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling.  “What do
you
know about Clay and me?!  You know
NOTHING
!”  I spat hatefully. 

 
My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her.  I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it.  But my priorities in life had significantly changed and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them. 

 
Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken.  But I was done feeling guilty about all of this.  I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep.  Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.

             
             
                        Chapter Twenty-One

 
I didn't go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room, even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat.  I wouldn't go down stairs and pretend life was honky dory when it was all a lie.  So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the last few months.

 
The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.  I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I left him this afternoon.  He looked like I was killing him. 

 
Why did things have to get so out of control?  I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head.  The first time I met Clay.  The Fall Formal.  The way he held me the first time we said 'I love you.'  Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.

 
But then those warm memories become tainted by the dark ones.  The night of Melissa's party.  His breakdown on his bedroom floor.  His constant anger and jealousy.  Finding him cutting. 

 
Though none of that changed what I felt deep down.  I loved him with every fiber of my being.  And I felt like I had failed him.  He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick.  And I hadn't.  I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting. 

 
And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him. 

 
I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before I left my room to get a shower.  I wanted to avoid any further confrontations.   Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd.  I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves. 

 
I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.

 
I wasn't sure exactly what woke me up.  One minute I was in a dead sleep, the next I was startled awake.  My room was pitch black, except for the soft glow of the street light.  My music had turned off and everything was eerily silent. 

My eyes adjusted to blackness and my heart stopped in my chest.  Clay was sat on the end of my bed.  I rubbed my eyes and looked again.  I had to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.  “Clay?” I whispered, still not believing he was there.

  “
Hi, Maggie.” He said softly.  I could barely see his face in the shadow.  I sat up and scooted down my bed until I sat beside him.  I looked at him closely and could see his eyes were bloodshot and tired. 

  “
What are you doing here?” I asked him, careful to keep my voice low so as to not wake up my parents.  Clay didn't say anything.  He sat there, staring at me as though he were trying to memorize my face.  Like he was scared to forget me.  “What's going on?  You're freaking me out.” I told him with a nervous giggle.

 
Clay reached out and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger and then dropped it.  “I just had to see you one last time.” He whispered.  One last time?  My stomach flipped over.  “What do you mean?  Are you going somewhere?” I asked him, watching as he took one of my hands in his and laced our fingers together.

 
Clay ignored my question and looked into my eyes again.  “I love you.  So much. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through.  You never deserved any of that.  I just wanted you to know how much I hate myself for all of the shit I threw at you.  You did nothing but love and support me.  God, I just love you.  More than anything!  I told you before that you were my forever.  And I will love you that long.  I promise.”  His words sounded suspiciously like a goodbye.

 
I was confused and more than a little numb.  Clay leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine.  He tangled his hands into my hair and pulled me against him with a force that surprised me.  His kiss was hungry as though he would devour me. 

 
Our tongues slid together and Clay's hands were hot on my back.  Finally, Clay pulled back and cupped my face in his palm.  “I have to go.” He murmured, leaning in again to kiss the corner of my mouth. 

 
My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my neck and shoulder.  “Go?  Go where?” I asked breathlessly.  Clay stopped kissing me and rested his forehead at the base of my throat.  “After you left me this evening, I went home.”  He began.  I could hear the pain in  his voice and I felt compelled to wrap my arms around him.