Find You in the Dark (34 page)

 
No wonder he clung to me the way he did.  The poor, lost boy beside me had never known unconditional love and support.  He had been reared by the coldest individuals I had ever met.  His mother didn't respond to his blatant jab.  “Well, I think it would be best if we stayed for awhile.  Moreover, your father's case could take weeks.  Months perhaps.”  Her words seemed almost threatening as she looked at her son with no emotion in her voice or face. 

 
Months?  From the way Clay had begun to tremble, I knew that would be very bad for him.  These people triggered something dark in him and their presence could spell disaster for his precarious mental health.  Clay made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.  I looked at him in surprise as he snatched his hand from mine and fled from the kitchen.  He left me all alone in the lion's den.  I could almost hear Mrs. Reed sharpening her claws as I stood there, uncomfortable and dumbfounded. 

 
Finally, I made my feet move as I turned to follow my boyfriend.  “Maggie.”  Mrs. Reed called out, stopping me.  I turned back around to face her, trying not to be intimidated by Clay's beautiful yet cold mother. 

  “
Why don't you have a seat.  I'd like a moment with you.”  She wasn't asking me, she was telling me.  She indicated the seat beside her.  I looked to Mr. Reed again, but he was oblivious to what was going on outside of his computer screen. 

 
Mrs. Reed watched me as I slowly approached the chair and sat down.  I folded my hands in my lap and looked at her politely.  “How long have you and my son been dating?”  She asked me, sipping her coffee.  I cleared my throat, feeling strange sharing anything with her. 

  “
Almost three months, ma'am.”  I fidgeted in my seat under her unyielding stare.  “And is it serious between the two of you?”  She asked nonchalantly.  Why was she asking this?  What business was it of hers?  This just felt creepy.  “I guess so.”  I answered reluctantly. 

 
Mrs. Reed leaned forward, attempting to appear as if we were two girls sharing confidences.  It made my skin crawl.  “And are you aware of Clayton's...issues?”  She said it as though he had a contagious disease.  Her lips curled and I could see how repulsive her son's mental health was to her.

  “
I'm very aware of all his qualities, good and bad, Mrs. Reed.  Clay has been very honest about his struggles with his mental health.”  I said, sticking my chin out defiantly.  I saw a flicker of disappointment, almost as though she wanted to be the one to tell me this.  Maybe she wanted the information to drive a wedge between Clay and I.  But why?

   “
My son is a very sick boy.  He has been on a self- destructive path for a long time now.  He hurts those around him, lacking regard for anything but his own feelings.  His doctors in Florida are very concerned that he will relapse.  They've encouraged us to have him readmitted for prolonged inpatient treatment.  He is a danger to himself and others.”  Her eyes flashed at me as she watched me absorb her words. 

 
They wanted to put him back in the hospital?  They can't do that to him!  What Clay needed was love and support, not to be shoved inside an institution with no way out.  I knew then that I hated this woman, and her complete disregard for Clay and what was truly best for him. 

  “
I  haven't seen him being a danger to himself or others Mrs. Reed.” I lied, effortlessly.  I couldn't tell her how worried I'd been for Clay, and how I often wondered if he needed more intense help than I was capable of giving him.  But she didn’t need to know any of that.  She didn't deserve to know.  This woman, who had thrown her son away because his
issues
had become an inconvenience in her life.

 
Mrs. Reed watched me closely and I swore she saw straight through my lie.  “Well that's good.”  she said in that fake, syrup-sweet voice of hers.  “But to be on the safe side, Clay's father and I will be staying for awhile.  We have serious concerns about him.  So if you notice anything troublesome about Clay, please let me know so we can can get him the help he so desperately needs.” 

 
I wanted to gag.  No, she just wanted to shut Clay away, like an ugly family secret.  I saw right through her and she knew that.  “No offense, Mrs. Reed, but I don't feel comfortable discussing Clay like this behind his back.  He and I are very open and honest with each other.”  I started to stand up.  I couldn't take sitting here with this woman any longer.

 
Mrs. Reed's eyes went cold.  “Honesty is wonderful.  But are you sure he's been entirely truthful with you?”  She asked, making it clear she didn’t expect me to answer her.  She wanted her words to creep into my brain like a parasite, feeding on any doubt I had about him – about us.  She was an evil and manipulative person.

 
Talk about trying to sabotage Clay's happiness.  This woman could give a shit about what was good for her son, that much was painfully clear.  Without saying another word, I turned my back on Clay's horrible parents and left.

 
I looked for Clay in the living room and found Lisa at her computer.  She glanced up at me when I walked in.  “I think he went up to his room.”  She said.  I nodded and turned to leave.  “Maggie.” She called out.  “Please keep an eye on him.  I'm worried, with them here.  This won't be good for him.  If you had seen him when he came to us...” Her words trailed off and I could see how much she truly cared for her girlfriend's nephew.  Clay was lucky to have she and Ruby in his court.

  “
He loves you, and I think he probably listens to you more than anyone else.  Ruby and I know how hard things are for him.  We've tried to get him to see someone here in town.  But he's stubborn.  And Ruby and I are hesitant to step on any toes.  It's not that we don't care, but the relationship between Clay and his parents and Ruby and her sister is extremely complicated.” She said sadly.  Her words shocked me.  I  had no idea Ruby and Lisa had tried to intervene.  Clay always made it out as though they were clueless.

  “
Clay acted as though you and Ruby didn't know.” I said quietly.  Lisa shook her head.  “We know, Maggie.  We see the cuts and the crazy mood swings.  We hear him shattering things up in his room.  Ruby is scared for him but she's even more scared to involve his parents.  Because they still have full guardianship, Ruby has zero say in any treatment he has, even though he's living here.  His father made sure of that.”  Lisa spit out in disgust.

  “
He's tough to be around, we get that.  But he
has
been better since the two of you got together.  So just love and support him the best you can.  And, if you ever worry about what's going on with him, do not go to
them.” 
Lisa's eyes darted in the direction of the kitchen in frustration.  “Come to Ruby or I.  We'll try to figure something out.” 

 
I smiled at her, though it didn't reach my eyes. I knew she was trying to be supportive but her words only made me feel cold inside.  Because the truth was, his parents seemed to control everything.  And, not for the first time, I felt even more alone. 

 
I made my way up to Clay's bedroom.  My stomach was in knots.  I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the door.  I didn't knock, I just walked in. 

 
Clay sat on his bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung down.  His right hand was clenched in a tight fist.  I sat beside him, hesitant to touch him.  “You okay?” I asked, realizing how stupid the question was.  Of course he wasn't okay.  Nothing about his body language said he was all right.  His hands were shaking and he slowly opened his tightened fist.  “Here.” He rasped, dropping a razor blade in my hand. 

 
I trembled as I took the small piece of metal and quickly wrapped it in a piece of tissue before putting it in my pocket.  I didn't say anything, scared that I would make everything worse for him.  “I don't know if I can do this, Maggie.  Not with them here. It makes me want to take that fucking razor blade across my skin, just to stop the way I feel in
here
!”  Clay pulled at his tee shirt over his chest.  His breath came in rapid pants and I knew he was struggling for control.

 
I clasped my hands tightly together, trying to stop their shaking.  “I can
feel
myself losing it!  I can't hold it together knowing they can show up and walk into my house whenever they want!  I wish I could just end all of this shit!” His voice rose in anguish and he started pulling at his hair.  Then he started rocking, like he had that first night I found him freaking out after the bonfire.  He made a horrible keening noise in the back of his throat.  His tenuous hold on sanity was quickly slipping away.

 
I grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to stop his incessant movements.  “Stop it, Clay. Now!” I told him firmly.  Clay shook his head.  “No.  You don't understand.  I hate them!  And what's worse is they make me hate myself!  They remind me of every horrible and stupid thing I've ever done!  They never waste an opportunity to shove the fact that I'm an embarrassment and a failure in my face!”  He grit out, his words like knives.

 
I snapped.  He was scaring me.  It was like he was giving up already.  And I wouldn't allow that to happen.  I grabbed his face and held it between my hands.  I gave him a little shake.  “Enough!  You are giving them all of the power here!  That's exactly what they want.  They want to see you broken, a shell of a person.  And you're playing right into there hands!” I hissed out.

  “
But they have all the power. I have nothing.” He whispered and I could see him fragment.  I gave him a gentle tap on the cheek.  “How can you say that, Clay?  You have Ruby and Lisa.  You have me!  You have my heart and soul inside you every second of every day.”  I said, kissing him on the mouth, trying to vanquish the darkness that had taken a hold of him.

 
His expression was shattered.  “I don't deserve your heart, Maggie.  I should never have drug you into this hell I live in.  It's not fair to you.  What kind of future can I give you when I don't know if I even have one?”  He despaired, closing his eyes.  I felt tears rise up and pour from my eyes as I took in his pain.

  “
I love you, Clay.  I love every single part of you.  I need you to hold it together!  Please!  Do it for me if not for yourself.”  I was playing dirty. Using his love for me as leverage.

 
Clay's eyes pleaded with me.  “I don't know if I can.  I hate this lost feeling.”  His voice shook.  I gently rubbed his cheek, my fingers brushed his hair back from his face.  “If you're feeling lost, well, I'll just have to find you.”  I said with more conviction than I felt.

 
Clay leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, our noses brushing against one another.  “I can't do this without you.”  He murmured.  I closed my eyes at the raw yearning I heard.  Was I enough to hold him together?

  “
I'm here, Clay.  Always.”  I said as our lips found each other in a desperate need.  As we tried to drown all of our fears in the feel of our mouths and the love we had for one another. 

             
             
             
            Chapter Nineteen

 
Things went from bad to worse.  The arrival of Clay's parents created a ripple effect that encompassed everything.  I was still grounded, so I wasn't able to be with Clay after school.  And that's when he started disappearing.  He would leave immediately after the last bell, often not even waiting for me after class like he usually did. 

 
We typically tried to spend a few moments together before I had to be sequestered at home.  But he was bailing on me almost every day.  I didn't know where he went or what he did.  Not being able to keep an eye on him, particularly when things were so bad for him, was maddening.  And I was hurt.  Really hurt.  I knew he was shutting me out.  Hiding things from me.  And when I questioned his behavior he became angry and defensive, refusing to speak to me. 

 
Clay's moods fluctuated like crazy.  I asked him, on more than one occasion, if he was still taking his medication but he would simply ignore me, as though I hadn't asked anything.  It was almost as if he were self- destructing on purpose.  As though he was trying to give his parents a reason to lock him away.

 
Is that what he wanted?  Because he sure as hell was acting like it.

 
When Clay showed up at my locker one morning a week after his parents had breezed into town, I noticed the fresh cut on his wrist.  “What is this?” I hissed, grabbing his hand and pulled up his sleeve.  Clay ripped his arm away from me and put his forehead against my locker over my head, leaning into my face.

  “
It's nothing.  Leave it alone.”  He said in a low tone.  The look in his eyes frightened me.  He wasn't teasing.  He was telling me to back off.  “No.”  I pushed, not letting him close me out.  “I
will
tell Lisa and Ruby if you keep this up.” I threatened, holding my English book tight to my chest. 

 
Clay's face flushed and he reeled back as though I had struck him.  He hit the metal beside my head, making me flinch.  “Don't threaten me, Maggie.  That's a stupid thing to do.”  He hit the locker again and stormed off, leaving me shaken and confused.