Find You in the Dark (35 page)

  
His behavior and mood were becoming more and more erratic.  I felt any control I had over the situation fading every day.  It was as though he was putting that wall back up, one angry brick at a time.

 
And I couldn't find my way over it, under it, or through it.  He was on one side and I was firmly on the other.  Soon, Clay started ditching school earlier and earlier.  At first it was leaving right before the end of the day. 

 
And that was just the beginning.  I had asked him about leaving school and Clay had given me that angry look again and told me to stop acting like I was his mother.  His words were like a knife to my gut.  I had been unable to stop the tears from forming in my eyes.  He was so short and terse with me all the time lately.  I felt us drifting further and further apart. 

 
I hated crying and that's all I did anymore.  I was one big pile of misery.  And that misery had the name, Clayton Reed. 

 
I seriously considered going to Ruby and Lisa.  I wanted to tell them what was going on with Clay.  I needed someone's help desperately.  But what would they really be able to do?  Lisa had made it clear that his parents held all of the cards.  So I watched as he moved further away from me and I was powerless to stop it.  My words meant nothing to him anymore.  The fact that he hurt me every single day didn't matter.

 
I was losing him.  And it terrified me.

  
After being completely ignored for several days, I finally lost it during lunch.  I had yelled at Clay and then to my utter humiliation, I began to sob.  Rachel and Daniel were frozen, completely paralyzed by my sudden crazy emotions.  This was not the Maggie May Young they were accustomed to seeing. 

 
Clay had started off angry but when I had begun to cry it was like the flick of a light switch.  Clay had softened, seeing how badly he had hurt me.  He had hugged me and told me he loved me, apologizing for his attitude.  I melted into his arms like I always did, desperate for things to be as they were.

 
But they weren't.  Not by a long shot.  Clay was mad all the time and I had no idea how to help him.  Eventually Clay stopped coming to lunch, leaving school around mid day. I didn't know where he went.  He would never say.  He would only tell me not to worry so much.  But of course I worried.  That's all I did anymore, was worry.  And cry.  Then worry some more. 

I had defied my parents' grounding after a few more days of this miserable existence.  I decided to head to Clay's house after school.  My heart sank when I saw his parents' car in the driveway.  My palms started to sweat as I made my way to the front door. 

 
I knocked and waited.  No one came to the door.  I had knocked again.  Finally Clay had answered.  He looked like hell.  There were dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pasty and his clothes were rumpled as though he had slept in them.

 
What was worse, was he looked less than thrilled to see me.  “What are you doing here?” He bit out, looking over his shoulder.  I tried to peer behind him to see what had had him so skittish, but he blocked my path.  “I was worried about you.  I wanted to make sure you were alright.”  I said softly.  I tried to reach out and touch him but he moved away from me.

  “
Well, I'm just fucking dandy.  You can leave now.”  He tried to close the door in my face but I stuck my foot out to stop it from shutting.  “Clay.  Stop shoving me away!  How can you treat me like this after everything we've been through?” I pleaded, feeling those annoying tears slide down my face yet again.

 
I saw a momentary crack in his cold facade.  His eyes softened and I thought, just maybe, I had reached him.  But he slammed the wall back down and his face hardened.  “I'm tired of everyone's
support
.” He spat out, looking at me with disdain.  “Stop worrying about me.  I don't need your pity or your concern.” 

 
I opened my mouth to argue with him some more.  I couldn't let him push me away like that.  But then I saw Mrs. Reed come down the hallway.  She came up behind Clay and put her hand on his shoulder.  He tensed, as though waiting for a blow.  “Aren't you going to ask your friend inside, Clayton?  It's Marcia, isn't it?”  She said condescendingly.  She knew my name, she was just being a bitch.

 
I didn't have a chance to correct her before Clay nudged my foot out of the door jam.  “No, she's just leaving.  In fact, I think we're done here.”  He looked at me then and I couldn't swallow around the lump in my throat. 

 
He was done?  Did that mean what I thought it meant?  “Clay.  What are you saying?”  My voice had left me, all I could do was whisper as the pain lanced through my body.  I hated that we were having this discussion with his evil, harpy of a mother two feet away.  She watched us the whole time and I couldn't miss the malicious triumph on her face. 

  “
Just what I said, Maggie.  I'm done.  So don't come around here again!”  He told me forcefully.  Had he really just broken up with me?  In front of his fucking mother?  I got angry then.  “You asshole!” I breathed, clenching my fists at my side. 

  “
Clay, it's time for dinner.  Hurry up with Marcia so you can eat.”  Mrs. Reed flashed me a cold smile and went back down the hallway.  Clay glared at me.  “You just couldn't leave well enough alone.  Are you happy now?”  He seethed.  “Fuck you, Clay!  I've done nothing but love you!  But you really are a selfish prick.  Screw my feelings, right?  It's the Clayton Reed, self-destruct show.  And you're right.  We are done.  I don't need any more of your abuse!”  I turned on my heel and left, feeling like my heart  had just been ripped out of my chest.

 
The anger got me home but then it transformed into gut wrenching depression.  Clay and I were over and I had no real idea why.  The reality of what had happened sank in and I had cried myself to sleep.  

 
After that I became a shell of the person I used to be.  I barely ate.  I hardly slept.  I never talked to my friends.  I declined Rachel and Daniel's invitations to get together once my grounding was lifted.  I half listened to their conversations at lunch time.  I stopped waiting for them after school, instead choosing to get to my car as fast as possible so I could get home and lock myself in my room.

  “
You are going to tell me what is going on with you and you are doing it now!”  Rachel said angrily as she grabbed my arm as I tried to slink down the hallway, unnoticed, to my locker.  It had been five days since I had gone to Clay's house.  Five days since I had spoken to or seen him.  I didn't even know if he had shown up to school.  And I felt like living was becoming increasingly more difficult.  How could someone endure this much pain and survive?

  “
Nothing's going on.” I mumbled, trying to pull out of her grasp.  “Yeah right!  You've become the walking dead!  So unless your brains have been eaten by zombies, something sure as hell is going on and you're going to spill it!”  Daniel said from my other side.  The two of them took me by my arms and half dragged me to the library. 

 
I heard the bell ring, signaling the end of lunch.  I had eaten in the girl's bathroom, wanting to avoid this very conversation.  I should have known they would find me.  I couldn't even appreciate how much they cared about me.  Because right then I was unable to think beyond the gaping hole in my chest.

  “
We've got to get to class.  We'll be late.” I argued feebly.  Daniel drug me into the library, moving to the back of the stacks where we'd have some privacy.  “Screw class.  Our best friend is in full on melt down.  That trumps geography any day.”  Rachel replied, sitting me down in a chair and taking her place beside me.

 
Daniel sat across the table and looked at me.  “We know this has to do with Clay.  He's MIA all the time now and you look like someone ran over your cat.  Just tell me if I have to kick his ass.  I've been wanting to for awhile anyway.”  I closed my eyes and struggled to hold it all in.

  “
We broke up.” I admitted, putting my head down on the table.  “Aww, sweetheart.  Why didn't you tell us?”  Rachel asked soothingly, rubbing my back as I started to shake. I couldn't answer her, so they just let me try and get myself together.  I couldn't cry, having no tears left.  I sat there trying to breathe around the pain in my chest.  Finally I calmed down.  Sitting up, I took the tissue Rachel offered and blew my nose.  “What happened?”  Rachel asked, still rubbing my back in gentle circles. 

  “
He changed.  We changed.  He didn't want me in his business.  There's not much else to say about it.” I answered cagily.  I didn't want to get into the root of our relationship's problems.  There were too many to list.  “You're better off, Mags.  Trust me.  You don't need that shit.”  Daniel said as he reached over to squeeze my hand.  I pulled away.  “You don't understand!  I'm not better off!  I miss him!”

 
Rachel and Daniel were quiet a moment as I started to cry.  So much for not having anymore tears.  When would I be done with this crap?  After a few minutes of enduring my misery, Rachel wiped my cheeks and snapped her fingers in front of my face.  “Wake up, Maggie!  He makes you miserable!  Do not wallow over someone who you're better off without.  Have more self resect than that!”  She said sternly.

 
Daniel nodded in agreement.  “This is not the Maggie Young we know and love.  I'm not sure who this whiny, pathetic chick is, but I kind of hate her.”  Daniel quipped, raising his eyebrows at me.  I sniffled and blew my nose again.  “I know you're right.  But it's hard to ignore my feelings like that.  I love him so much.”  I lamented, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

  “
Love? Really? I'm not sure if that's a love I'd want to have, Maggie.”  Rachel commented, shoving the rest of her pack of tissues towards me.  I didn't respond to her statement.  I didn't want to try and justify the relationship I had had with Clay.  Because it would only sound needy and sad and would only further her argument. 

 
But I needed to get myself together.  I needed to try and move past the heartache.  I had to try and forget about the fact that no matter how much I hurt, I knew deep down that Clay was in his own personal hell.  I wanted to save him so badly and that was an instinct that was hard to turn off.

  “
Come on, lets get to class.  And after school, I'll come back to your house.  I bet you I can get your parents to let up on this ridiculous grounding of yours.”  Rachel said confidently. I gave her a wobbly smile.  “Thanks, guys.  You really are the best.”  I said quietly, feeling absolutely no energy.  I had cried it all out.

 
So, I made the decision to let go of Clayton Reed.  But, he had become so deeply entrenched in my heart and my life that removing him was like removing a limb.  How do you try and forget about someone you had loved like the other part of you?

 
It helped that I never saw Clay anymore.  It was like he had disappeared.  Or died. 

 
My parents had finally agreed to end my stupid grounding.  It probably helped that the reason for my punishment was no longer in the picture.  I knew Rachel had talked to my mom about what was going on between Clay and me.  Because the frosty climate in my house thawed considerably. 

 
I tried to be happy with the renewal of the relationship I had with my parents.  They stopped looking at me like I was a mutant that had taken over their precious daughter's body.  And I really worked on overcoming the urge to curl up into a ball and stay that way.  I forced myself to do my homework.  I made myself go out with Rachel and Daniel after school, though I refused to step foot into Bubble's when Rachel suggested a banana split.  Every time I drove by the place, I thought I would throw up.

 
I found myself fighting the need to call Clay.  Even though two weeks had passed since we had broken up, it did nothing to deaden the pain.  I wanted to see him so badly that I finally made Rachel erase his number from my phone.

 
Because the heartbreaking truth was if Clay wanted to see me, he would have.  The fact that he had made zero effort confirmed all of my deepest fears.  That he didn't love me as much as he said he did.  Otherwise, how could he stay away from me like this? 

 
Then there were the days I worried something had happened to him.  What if he had hurt himself?  I would have to talk myself off the ledge of a full blown freak out by convincing myself that Ruby or Lisa would have notified me if that had happened.  Despite the fact that Clay had cut me out of his life completely, they had to know that I would want to know.

 
Okay, so I eventually caved and drove by Clay's house one Friday. I just wanted to make sure he was all right.  I was relieved when I saw Clay's car in the driveway as well as the fact it was the only one there.  He must be home alone. 

 
I slowed down as I passed by, my eyes flickering up to his window on the second floor.  Of course I couldn't see anything, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he was doing.  I had to push aside the scary thoughts of him cutting himself or worse. 

 
I had put my pedal down on the accelerator and drove away as fast as I could.