Find You in the Dark (43 page)

  “
Aside from the physical ramifications, there are the psychological impacts that factor as well.  The staff psychiatrist has been notified and will be in to see him once he regains consciousness.  I don't anticipate him being released into general population for awhile.” 

 
I tried to stay on my feet, but I felt myself wobbling.  I was exhausted.  I hadn't eaten in almost twelve hours.  I just couldn't take anything in anymore.  Nurse Burke must have seen the look on my face because she gripped my arm and walked me to a chair.  “Let me get you some juice.  You look like you're about to pass out.” 

 
Nurse Burke returned a few minutes later with a foil-topped juice cup and paper-wrapped straw and placed them in my hand.  I opened it and took a few sips and felt a little better.  I pulled out Clay's phone, which I had grabbed before leaving the motel, and went through the contacts until I found his parents' number. I gave it to the nurse.  She thanked me and then left to make the call. 

 
I sat there, numb.  I felt completely empty.  After another hour had passed, Nurse Burke came back out to let me know that Clay's parents were on their way.  I simply nodded and thanked her.  I pulled out my own phone and called my mom.  “Maggie?  Are you on your way home?”  She asked as soon as she picked up.  I took in a shaky breath and felt the tears start again, completely unbidden.  “No mom. We're at the hospital.” 

  “
Oh my God!  Are you okay?”  She demanded in a panicked voice.  “I'm fine, Mom. It's Clay. He tried to kill himself.”  “Oh, Maggie!  Where are you? We're coming to get you!” I told her the hospital name and she assured me that she and my father would be there as soon as possible.

 
I hung up and dropped the phone onto the table beside me.  I stared blankly at the TV mounted on the wall, unable to move.  How did things get this bad so quickly?  How could I have allowed it to get so out of hand?  I blamed myself entirely for Clay being here.

 
I should have stopped him from leaving town.  I should have forced him to face what was going on with his parents.  But most of all I should never have ignored how badly he needed help.  I was the biggest culprit in the enabling category.  My “love” had only made things worse for him.  Because I had refused to see what was right in front of my face.  My denial  had failed Clay.  I put my face in my hands and cried. 

 
A while later, I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I sat up with a start.  Nurse Burke stood over me with a kind look on her face.  “He's awake and asking for you.  I shouldn't let you back to see him, but he's been very agitated, demanding to see you.  We've had to give him a sedative.  But I can only give you a few minutes.”  I got to my feet.  “Thank you so much.”  I whispered as she led me back through a set of locked doors.  The hospital smell made me feel light- headed and I tried to keep my breathing even and stay steady on my feet.  Nurse Burke pushed aside a curtain and ushered me inside. 

 
Clay lay in a bed, with a bunch of wires hooked up to his body, the beeping of machines echoing much too loudly in the small space.  “You can only have a few minutes. I'll be back.”  Nurse Burke said, before leaving to give us some privacy.

 
Clay noticed I was there and watched me as I came to his side.  His eyes were heavy and clouded with the sedative.  The white of his bandaged wrists stood out against the blue hospital blanket.  He was deathly pale and he looked at me with an unreadable emotion as I gently took his hand in mine.

  “
Maggie.”  He said.  His voice sounded as though he had been chewing broken glass. My name roughly rolling off his tongue.  I carefully sat down on the edge of the bed.  “Hey.”  I replied, trying hard to smile.  Clay closed his eyes.  “I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this to you. I'm just so, so sorry.” I didn't say anything, just leaned over and pressed my mouth to his cheek.  His skin was cold on my lips.

  “
You're parents are on their way here.”  I told him, and he only nodded.  The nurse must have already told him.  “They're going to put me away.”  He said matter of factly.  “I know.”  Was all I could reply.  Clay opened his eyes and I could see a spark of the old Clay there, hidden in their depths.  “They're going to take me away from you.  That's exactly what I didn't want to happen.”  He told me flatly.  I could see him struggling under the weight of his sedation.

 
He reached out to touch my face, but his fingers fell back to the bed before they could make contact.  “You look so sad.  I did this to you. I hate myself for making you feel this way.  I ruin everything.  I always have.” He said, his voice deadened by the drugs.  I shook my head.  “No!  Don't say that.  It's not true.”  Clay closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows, almost as if it were too painful to look at me.

  “
I can't keep doing this to you.” He whispered, putting his hands up to cover his face.  I needed to put an end to his bitter self-loathing.  I just didn't know how.  “Just stop this, Clay.  You need to worry about getting better.  Nothing else.”  I said with more conviction than I felt.  I reached up and pulled his hands down.  “Please, just get better.” I begged him.  He covered my hand with his and held it to his face.  “I love you, Maggie.  Forever.  I was being selfish, only thinking about myself.  I should have put you first, always.”  He agonized, showing more feeling than he had since I walked in.  I didn't say anything more.  I pulled myself up onto his bed and spooned my body against his and held him until Nurse Burke returned. 

 
As I was forced to leave his side I turned back to look at him one more time.  Who knew when I'd get to see him again?  His eyes met mine and he looked completely and utterly shattered- broken.  His expression was haunting.  And was burned into my mind.

 
Once back out in the waiting room I was greeted by a very angry Mrs. Reed.  Mr. Reed stood behind her looking bland and disinterested, as though he'd rather be in a meeting at work than a hospital waiting room.  Regardless that his son had been admitted there for trying to take his own life.

 
Mrs. Reed took two steps and leaned in uncomfortably close to my face.  “What did you do to him?”  She hissed.  I reeled back in surprise.  Was she for real?  I almost laughed with the absolute absurdity of her question.  To think this self-important bitch could actually stand there and place the blame for Clay's condition squarely on my shoulders.  Especially when the root of so many of his problems rested solely with the two narcissistic people standing in front of me.

  “
Does this amuse you?  And here I thought you and my son were
in love
.  When in reality you're that little gold digging mooch I knew you were.  Did you talk him into leaving town with you?  Have him take you on some whirlwind vacation with
our
money?”  She spat at me with all the venom she could muster.

 
This time I did laugh.  “Oh yeah, because the Motel 6 is livin' large.”  I said sarcastically.  Mrs. Reed looked as though she wanted to slap me as her hand tensed by her side.  “My son is a very sick boy.  He doesn't need to be led astray by a selfish little bitch like you.” The hatred in her voice startled me.  What in the world had I done to garner such a strong dislike from this woman?

 
Though if I thought about it, I knew Mrs. Reed's problem was that she wanted to place blame anywhere and everywhere but where it belonged; with she and her husband.  She couldn't see her own failings as a parent, so instead I became the bad guy. 

 
Well screw that!

 
So, I got right back in her nasty, smug face and poked my finger in the middle of her chest.  “Back off Mrs. Reed.  Your son is lying in a hospital bed after slitting his wrists because the
two of you
have been more concerned how this could make you look, rather than involving yourselves with what's going on with
your son
.”  Mrs. Reed's face turned crimson and her jaw clenched.

  
And I wasn't even close to being done speaking my mind.  “Maybe if you spent more time being actual parents, he wouldn't be where he is now.  In ICU!  After attempting suicide!  I love your son.  More than anything.  And because I love him, I can recognize that the best thing for him is to get help, even though that means he will go away.  I love him enough to realize my desire to be with him is
not
necessarily what's best for him.  And I hope you can remember that he is
your
son.  Your own flesh and blood!  And that what he needs more than anything, is love and support. 
Not
judgment and condemnation.  And he sure as hell doesn't need you pressing bogus charges against him!  So,
for once,
maybe you can do what
he
needs rather that what
you
want.”

 
My anger fizzled out and all I felt was bone weary sadness.  I wanted to keep throwing my rage at these two horrible people, but I just felt depressed.  Being pissed off wouldn't change what had happened or help Clay. 

 
Mrs. Reed pulled herself up as straight as her spine would let her.  Her red face and icy eyes looked like she was about to rip into me again when Nurse Burke interrupted.  “Are you Mr. and Mrs. Reed?”  Mrs. Reed was distracted.  “Yes, I'm Samantha Reed and this is Clayton's father, Nicholas.  Where is my son?”  She demanded.  Nurse Burke's no nonsense expression never faltered.  She was probably used to dealing with pain in the ass people all day long.

  “
I'll take you to see him.  But I have to let you know that it is extremely important that he not be agitated.  He is in a very delicate state right now, and needs nothing but calm.  The staff psychiatrist, Dr. Lang, is waiting for you to discuss possible options for continued treatment.  So, if you'll follow me.”  Mrs. Reed picked up her purse and, with a final scathing look at me, she followed Nurse Burke, who offered me a slight sympathetic nod.  I smiled half-heartedly in return, hoping she understood my  appreciation for her intervention.

 
After Clay's parents disappeared I collapsed into a chair.  I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew Rachel was shaking me.  “Maggie!  Oh my God, Maggie!”  I opened my eyes to see Rachel, Daniel and my parents crowded around me.  Daniel pulled me to my feet as he and Rachel hugged me.  “You scared me to death!  I could smack you.”  Daniel said with a frown, but not once did he let go of me.  Rachel just started crying and clung to me as though we had been apart for months rather than days.

 
I pulled away from my friends and launched myself at my parents.  They held me tightly to them, each telling me over and over that they loved me.  I was so appreciative of them, especially after being subjected to Clay's cold and self-centered family.

  “
I'm so sorry.”  I whispered repeatedly.  “Shh.  Don't worry.  It's all over now.  Let's just go home.”  I hesitated.  I felt torn about leaving Clay.  How could I just go back to Davidson and leave him here at the mercy of his parents?

 
As if on cue, Mrs. Reed came back through the ICU doors, talking to a tall bearded man, with a hospital badge that identified him as Dr. Lang, the staff psychiatrist. 

 
Knowing it was futile, I approached her after she was finished speaking with the doctor.  “Is Clay all right?  Are you taking him home?”  Mrs. Reed looked at me with cold, unfeeling eyes.  “We're taking him back to Florida where we can get him the help he needs.” Was all she said as she started to turn away from me to fill out the paperwork Dr. Lang had handed her. 

 
I peaked at the form she was signing and saw that it was transfer paperwork.  My throat tightened. They really were taking him away.  My mother came up behind me.  “Mrs. Reed, I'm Elizabeth Young, Maggie's mother.  I know my daughter will be very worried about Clayton. Is there any way you can let her know about his progress?  Maybe let them communicate while he's in treatment?”

 
I tried to control my shocked expression. I couldn't believe my mom was actually advocating for me to be able to maintain communication with Clay.  I squeezed her hand in thanks.  Mrs. Reed didn't even bother to look up at my mother.  Rude bitch.

  “
I
don't
think that would be appropriate.  Your daughter has been the source of a lot of my son's problems during his stay in Virginia.  I think the best thing for Clayton will be to get as far away from here,
and her,
as possible.”  I felt my mom tense beside me, and waited in anticipation for her to unleash the mama super powers.

  “
Excuse me Mrs. Reed, but I think you are quite mistaken.”  Mrs. Reed looked up at my mother, looking bored with their conversation.  My mom continued.  “Maggie has been nothing but supportive of your son, even when he treated her badly.  Perhaps you need to take a long look in the mirror and see why your son is so troubled.  Because, in my experience, issues usually lie a little closer to home.”  Mrs. Reed simply raised her eyebrow, which was so much like Clay, and didn't bother to respond.  She turned on her heel and walked back into the ICU.

 
And just like that the door to my relationship with Clay slammed firmly closed in my face.  I was crushed and my body literally sagged in defeat, feeling an immeasurable weight pressing down on me.  “Thank you for trying, Mom.”  I said as she gathered me to her.  “What a horrible woman.  Poor Clayton.  No wonder he struggled so.”  That was the nicest thing my mother had ever said about Clay.  She held me close against her as we left the hospital.  My father on my other side, and my two best friends following close behind.  We all piled into my family's minivan, and I tried to stop the tears as I watched the hospital, and Clay, disappear behind me.