Find You in the Dark (41 page)

 
I softened at seeing him like this.  I reached out and touched his cheek, lingering.  “What about Ruby and Lisa?  Can't they help?” I asked desperately.  Clay barked out a laugh that sounded almost maniacal.  “Uh, no.  My parents threatened to have Ruby charged with delinquency of a minor or some such shit.  I'm not sure how they could charge her with anything.  But if anyone knows how to bend the law to get what they want, it's my parents.” 

 
God, I hated those people.  Clay clung to my hand.  “They just wouldn't stop.  They told me I was useless and a liability.  That I was...deranged.  That I wasn't fit to be in normal society.”  Clay cut off on a ragged breath.  His parents had broken him.  How could they say such horrible things to their son, when he deserved so much more?

  “
So, yeah.  I was angry.  I felt trapped and needed to get out of there.  So, I grabbed a knife off of the counter and pointed it at them and told them I was leaving.” I gasped.  Clay arched his eyebrow.  “A butter knife, Maggie.  It was a fucking butter knife.”  A butter knife?  Really?  They were pressing charges over a butter knife?  This was ludicrous!

 
I couldn't stop the laugh that crept up out of my throat.  And suddenly I was laughing.  An insane sort of laughter.  I couldn't stop.  After a startled moment, Clay joined me and we were both laughing at the absurdity of it all.

 
Finally, we were able to calm down and Clay sobered instantly.  “Do you see why I can't go back there?  They won't leave me alone!  I'll never have a life.  They want me out of the way.  And, now they've involved the police, I'll be locked away for sure.  There's nothing, you, or me, or anyone can do about it.  I just have to disappear.”  He seemed so sure and I was tempted to be swayed by his logic.

 
Clay kissed the corner of my mouth.  “I understand if this is too much for you.  If you want to go home, I won't stop you.  You have to do what's right for
you
. Not for me.” He said softly, his eyes full of sadness and love for me. 

 
He was giving me an out.  I appreciated how he was trying to be selfless.  But after everything, all that I had sacrificed to be with him, there was no way in hell I'd let anyone take him from me.  Despite my misgivings and the red flags that continued to go up all over the place, I was firm in my resolve to stand by him.

  “
I can't leave you.  Not now, not ever.” I whispered, my eyes never leaving his.  One way or the other I had to make things right for him.  I didn't have any sort of a plan.  The only one I had was to ride things out here.  Just a few more days and I'd figure something out. 

  “
God, I need you so much.” Clay's voice broke and he pulled me to him and sat on the bench, taking me with him so that I was straddling him.  His mouth pressed against mine and he nibbled mercilessly at my bottom lip.  I groaned into his mouth as I wiggled closer to him. 

  “
Fuck, Maggie.” He whispered, wrenching my shirt out of my pants and moving his hands up the front of my body.  I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him with all the pain and desire I felt.  His hands cupped my breasts and kneaded the skin roughly. 

 
The cold, night air whipped around us but all I could feel was the heat being generated between us, the feel of him hard underneath his jeans.  “I need to be inside you.  Now!” He gasped as he rubbed my nipples between his fingers.  “But, we're outside, in a park.  I don't know...” I suddenly felt self-conscious.  Anyone could come up on us like this.  Though, the park seemed to be deserted.  And we
were
shielded from view by the trees.

  “
No one will see.  Please.” He begged, unbuttoning my pants and pulling down the zipper, his fingers slipping underneath the edge of my panties, finding me wet and ready.  “Clay.” I groaned as his fingers slipped inside me, a tantalizing tease.  I frantically unzipped his jeans, rolling them down so that it released him.  Clay sucked in a breath and shoved my pants down my hips.

 
He was being rough and desperate.  Not at all like the gentle love making we had before.  His lips were hot and pressed hard against my neck as I shrugged out of my pants.  The chill around us made goosebumps break out over my bare legs.

 
But I didn't think anymore about that as Clay lifted me up and shoved my underwear aside, settling me down on top him, plunging deep into my body.  I gasped at the suddenness of it.  “More.  I need more of you.”  Clay pleaded as he jerked his hips upwards, while pulling me down against him as he held my hips tightly.  His fingers dug into my flesh as he moved me up and down over him, piercing me deeply.

  “
Oh my God!” I groaned as I wrapped my legs tighter, pushing us as close together as we could go.  Clay pulled me hard against him, his lips leaving wet trails along my neck and shoulders.  He bit down on my skin as I ground against him, the feel of him deep inside me causing the familiar burn build up in my belly.

  “
Don't leave me!  Ever!” He rasped in my ear, sucking the lobe as we rocked into each other with a frantic pace that both scared and thrilled me.  My knees slammed into the metal of the bench and I barely registered the pain as I fell apart around him.  After a few more minutes of punishing thrusts, I felt Clay release inside me.

 
It was at that moment that I realized what we had done.  I couldn't believe I had let us have sex in a park.  In the middle of town.  Without a condom.  That was up there with one of the most stupid and risky things I had ever done. 

 
I collapsed against Clay and he held me tightly, running his fingers through my hair as we tried to get control over our breathing again.  We were still connected, neither of us making the effort to move.  Even though my body was exhausted, my mind was reeling.  I quickly did the math in my head and relaxed when I realized the unprotected sex shouldn't be an issue. 

 
The cold wind finally broke through the post coital haze and I moved off of Clay's lap, feeling his wetness between my legs.  I scooped up my discarded pants and hastily put them back on.  “Well, that was a first.” I joked, still a little out of breath.  Clay smirked at me as he buttoned himself back up.  He pulled me back onto his lap.  “I just needed to be close to you.  Sorry the setting wasn't more romantic.” Clay apologized, kissing my temple as I snuggled into his chest.

 
I sighed and laid my head down over his heart.  The steady beat both calmed and soothed me.  Clay rubbed my back and traced the length of my shoulder blades with his fingertip.  “You're all that I have.” He said quietly, kissing the top of my head.  I let him hold me and tried to convince myself that everything would be all right.  But I knew I was just living another lie.

                                               
Chapter Twenty-Three

 
Funny how two days can change everything.  Even my staunch refusal to let anything come between me and the boy I loved.  My picture of the world had flipped on its head and I lived in a constant state of confusion and near panic. 

 
We laid low, paranoid someone would figure out we were the teenagers on the lam from Virginia.  The machine that was Clay's parents was clearly in overdrive.  We were watching a local news station one evening and suddenly saw Clay's face on the screen.

  “
What the...?”  Clay bit out, turning up the volume.   Clay and I watched transfixed as the news anchor told the story of a mentally unstable young man who had kidnapped his girlfriend and gone on the run.  Clay was described as dangerous and people were asked to notify authorities immediately if he was seen.  Then they showed a picture of me and I thought I was going to throw up.

 
We had gone to bed that night curled around each other.  We didn't say anything, no words were needed.  Clay hung onto to me as though I would disappear.  We made love frantically and desperately as if we were trying to hold onto something that would be snatched from our grasp at any moment.  But I couldn't pretend that things were going to work out any longer.  It was only a matter of time until we were discovered. 

 
Rachel had been texting me non-stop, urging me to come home.  She worried that things would only get worse the longer we were gone.  And I knew she was right.  I didn't want to think about what would be waiting for Clay back in Davidson.  But every hour that went by I saw Clay deteriorating.  He was paranoid and hyper-vigilant.  He wouldn't let me out of his sight.  He had unplugged the phone in our room and would put chairs against the door as we slept.

 
He was edgy and angry, snapping at me for no reason and then immediately pleading with me to forgive him.  He was also cutting again.  I saw the marks on his skin, even as he tried to hide them.  I thought about confronting him, but thought better of it, knoingw he was dangerously close to losing what small semblance of sanity he had left.

 
Things were spiraling out of control, not just for Clay, but for me as well. I was scared all the time.  I could barely sleep and I couldn't handle sitting by and watching the boy that I love slowly slip away into the darkness of his mind. 

 
I needed my parents and my friends. I wanted their support and the safety of home so badly that I ached for it.  I wanted Clay to get some help because with each passing day, I couldn't deny that's exactly what he needed.  He didn't need me pretending that we would gallop off into the sunset like some fairytale.  Because that wasn't our story.  Not by a long shot.

 
After seeing the news story, I knew I had to call my parents.  They were probably going out of their minds if they thought Clay had kidnapped me.  Who knew what bullshit Clay's parents had fed them.

 
I waited until I knew Clay was asleep and I quietly got dressed and went outside.  I gripped my cell phone in my hand.  With shaking fingers I dialed my mom's number.  I realized how late it was, almost 11:30 at night.  But I needed to hear her voice.  “Hello?”  I heard my mother's shaking voice on the other end.

 
I almost hung up, scared as hell to say anything.  “Maggie! Is that you?”  My mom pleaded.  I took a deep breath.  “Yes mom, it's me.”  I whispered.  I heard her choking back a sob.  “Oh my God, are you all right?  Where are you?”  She asked me. 

  “
I'm fine, mom.  Clay and I are in North Carolina...”  “North Carolina!  What are you doing there?”  I didn't answer her- not sure what to tell her.  My mom seemed to make an effort to pull herself together.  “Please tell me he isn't keeping you there against your will.”  My mother asked as calmly as she was able.

  “
No, I left willingly.” I assured her.  My mom sighed in relief.  “Okay.  Well, that's something, I suppose.  Clay's parents have shared some things about Clay that have your father and I worried sick.  He isn't hurting you is he?”  My mom asked and I could tell she was crying. 

  “
God, no mom.  Clay would never hurt me!  What have Clay's parents told you?” I asked coldly.  “That Clay has a history of violent and suicidal behaviors.  His mother said he needs to be back in treatment but he refuses to go.  Then she told us that he....that he tried to stab them.”  I blew out a breath.  “It wasn't like that, Mom.  Please don't believe everything they tell you.” I urged. 

  “
So you're saying there's nothing to these stories they told us?  That they're making everything up?”  My mother asked in disbelief.  Here was the moment of truth.  Do I lie, like I've been doing for months?  Or do I finally come clean?

 
I was silent for awhile, prompting my mother to say my name again.  “Maggie?  What is it?” She asked.  I felt the tears slide down my cheeks and suddenly I was sobbing.  I cried and cried until there was nothing left.  And then I told my mom everything.  Every last bit of Clay's story.  This was the second time in as many days that I had shared what was going on.  And it felt good to do so.  I had been holding onto this stuff for too long and I couldn't shoulder it alone any longer.

  “
My god, Maggie May.  Why in the world didn't you say something?” She asked, her voice quiet and hurting.  I sighed after I had calmed down.  “You would have just told me to stay away from him.  I know how you feel about Clay.  You haven't tried to hide it.  And he needed me.  I couldn't turn my back on him like everyone else had.  I love him!” I struggled to keep my voice down, not wanting to wake Clay.

 
My mom was quiet for awhile.  “You're right.  We would have judged him.  I would have told you to never talk to him again.  And that's wrong. I'm sorry.” My mom's words surprised me.  “You're sorry?” I asked, needing clarification.

  “
Yes, Maggie.  Because maybe if your father and I hadn't been so narrow minded, you would have felt you could talk to us.  Because we know Clay isn't a bad kid.  But he needs help.  And we'd like to help you both.  If you'll let us.” 

 
She said exactly what I needed to hear.  I wanted my parents.  I needed their help to figure out what to do for Clay.  “I want to come home too.  I'm worried about him.  But what about his parents?  The charges?  I can't walk him back into all that.”  I argued.  I looked back at the motel door, making sure I was still alone.