Exercises in Style (7 page)

Go b I b, I no him wal up and d w a f who was gi him ad on h to be
ele, sho him the f but of his c.

yncope

I gt io bs full opssgers. I niced a youngn with a nesemataraffe and with
a hathaplord. He got angwer pssger because he comined that he troes. Then he occed a vnt
st.

When I was ging along the sroute in the oppection, I niced him in
Courome. He was beven a Ion in egance weference ta bun.

peaking personally

That’s something I do understand; a chap who goes out of his way
to tread on your dogs, it makes you bloody wild. But after you’ve made a fuss
about it to go and sit down like a bloody coward, that personally I don’t
understand. I saw it with my own eyes the other day on the back platform of an S bus.
Personally I thought the young man’s neck was somewhat long and I also thought
that kind of plait thing round his hat was bloody silly. Personally I would never dare
to show myself in such a get-up. But anyway, like I said, when he’d moaned at
another passenger who was treading on his toes, this chap went and sat down and that
was that. Personally I would have clipped him one, any bastard that
trod on my toes.

I tell you, personally I think there are some odd things in this life,
it’s only mountains that never meet. A couple of hours later I met that young chap
again. I saw him with my own eyes in front of the gare Saint-Lazare. Yes, I saw him
myself with a friend of his own kidney who was saying—I heard him with my own
ears: “You ought to raise that button.” I personally saw him with my own
eyes, he was pointing to the top button.

xclamations

Goodness! Twelve o’clock! time for the bus! what a lot of people! what a lot of people! aren’t we squashed! bloody funny! that chap! what a face! and what a neck! two-foot long! at least! and the cord! the cord! I hadn’t seen it! the cord! that’s the bloody funniest! oh! the cord! round his hat! A cord! bloody funny! too bloody funny! here we go, now he’s yammering! the chap with the cord! at the chap next to him! what’s he saying! The other chap! claims he trod on his toes! They’re going to come to blows! definitely! no, though! yes they are, though! go wonn! go wonn! bite him in the eye! charge! hit
’im! well I never! no, though! he’s climbing down! the chap! with the long neck! with the cord! it’s a vacant seat he’s charging! yes! the chap!

Well! ’t’s true! no! I’m right! it’s really him! over there! in the Cour de Rome! in front of the gare Saint-Lazare! mooching up and down! with another chap! and what’s the other chap telling him! that he ought to get an extra button! yes! a button on his coat! On his coat!

ou know

Well,
you
know, the bus arrived, so,
you
know, I got
on. Then I saw,
you
know, a citizen who,
you know,
caught my eye, sort
of. I mean,
you
know, I saw his long neck and I saw the plait round his hat.
Then he started to,
you
know, rave, at the chap next to him. He was,
you
know, treading on his toes. Then he went and,
you
know, sat
down.

Well,
you
know, later on, I saw him in the Cour de Rome. He
was with a,
you
know, pal, and he was telling him,
you
know, the pal
was: “You ought to get another button put on your coat.”
You
know.

At the hour when the rosy fingers of the dawn start to crack I climbed,
rapid as a tongue of flame, into a bus, mighty of stature and with cow-like eyes, of the
S-line of sinuous course. I noticed, with the precision and acuity of a Red Indian on
the warpath, the presence of a young man whose neck was longer than that of the
swift-footed giraffe, and whose felt hat was adorned with a plait like the hero of an
exercise in style. Baleful Discord with breasts of soot came with her mouth reeking of a
nothingness of toothpaste, Discord, I say, came to breathe her malignant virus between
this young man with the giraffe neck and the plait
round his hat,
and a passenger of irresolute and farinaceous mien. The former addressed himself to the
latter in these terms: “I say, you, anyone might think you were treading on my
toes on purpose!” Having said these words, the young man with the giraffe neck and
the plait round his hat quickly went and sat down.

Later, in the Cour de Rome of majestic proportions, I again caught
sight of the young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat, accompanied by
a friend, an arbiter elegantiarum, who was uttering these words of censure which I could
hear with my agile ear, censure which was directed to the most exterior garment of the
young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat: “You ought to
diminish its opening by the addition or elevation of a button to or on its circular
periphery.”

ockney
^*

So A ’m stand’n’ n’ ahtsoider vis frog bus when
A sees vis young Froggy bloke, caw bloimey, A finks, ’f’at ain’t ve
most funniest look’n’ geezer wot ever A claps eyes on. Bleed’n’
great neck, jus’ loike a tellyscope, strai’ up i’ was, an’ ve
titfer ‘e go’ on ‘is bonce, caw, A fought A’d ’a died. Six
foot o’ skin an’ grief, A ses to meself, when awlver sud’n ’e
starts to come ve ol’ acid, an’: “Gaw bloimey,” ’e ses,
“wot ver ber-lee-din’ ow yeh fink yeh adeouin’ of?”
’E’s tawkin’ to annuver bleed’n’ fawrner vere on ve bus
pla’form; ses ’e keeps a-treadin’ on ’is plites awler toime,
real narky ’e gets, till vis uvver Frog bloke turns roun’ an’
ses: “‘Ere,” ’e ses, “oo yeh fink yeh
git’n’ a’? Garn,” ’e ses, “A’II give yeh a
pro’r mahrfful na minute,” ’e ses, “gi’ ah a vit.”
So ’e does, pore bastard, ’e does a bunk real quick deahn ve bus wivaht
anuvver word.

Cup lowers la’r, guess wo’? A sees ve fust young bleeder
agin walkin’ up’n deahn aht-soider ve Garsn Lazzer, arkin’ to anuvver
young Froggy a-jorein’ ’im abeaht a bleedin’ bu’en.

^*
Replacing
Vulgaire

ross-examination

—At what time did the 12.23 p.m. S-line bus proceeding in the
direction of the Porte de Champerret arrive on that day?

—At 12.38 p.m.

—Were there many people on the aforesaid S bus?

—Bags of ’em.

—Did you particularly notice any of them?

—An individual who had a very long neck and a plait round his
hat.

—Was his demeanour as singular as his attire and his anatomy?

—At the very beginning, no; it was normal, but in the end it
proved to be that of a slightly
hypotonic paranoiac cyclothymic in a
state of hypergastric irritability.

—How did that become apparent?

—The individual in question interpellated the man next to him and
asked him in a whining tone if he was not making a point of treading on his toes every
time any passengers got on or off.

—Had this reproach any foundation?

—I’ve no idea.

—How did the incident terminate?

—By the precipitate flight of the young man who went to occupy a
vacant seat.