Exercises in Style (5 page)

In an S bus (which is not to be confused with a trespass), I saw (not an
eyesore) a chap (not a Bath one) wearing a dark soft hat (and not a hot daft sack),
which hat was encircled by a plaited cord (and not by an applauded cat). One of his
characteristics (and not his character’s instincts) was a prim neck (and not a
numb prick). As the people were pushing and shoving (and not the sheep were shooshing
and pupping), a newcomer (not a cute number) displaced the latter (not lacerated the
display). The chap complained (not the chaplain comped), but seeing a free place (not
placing a free See) made a bee-line for it (not
bade me lie in for
it).

Later I perceived him (not high Erse peeved ’im) in front of the
gare Saint-Lazare (and not the lass in Gaza). He was talking to a friend (and not
trending to a fork) about a button on his coat (which is not to be confused with a cut
on—?—on his boat.)

omeoptotes

On a certain date, a corporate crate on which the electorate congregate
when they migrate at a great rate, late, had to accommodate an ornate, tracheate
celibate, who started to altercate with a proximate inmate, and ejaculate: “Mate,
why do you lacerate, obliterate and excoriate my plates?” But to anticipate
Billingsgate debate, he hastened to abdicate, and sate.

An houate aftrate, in front of the Saint-Lazate gate, I notate him
agate, talkate about a buttate, a buttate on his overcate.

fficial letter

I beg to advise you of the following facts of which I happened to be the equally impartial and horrified witness.

Today, at roughly twelve noon, I was present on the platform of a bus which was proceeding up the rue de Courcelles in the direction of the Place Champerret. The aforementioned bus was fully laden - more than fully laden, I might even ventureto say, since the conductor had accepted an overload of several candidates, without valid reason and actuated by an exaggerated kindness of heart which caused him to exceed the regulations and which, consequently, bordered on indulgence. At each stopping place the
perambulations of the outgoing and incoming passengers did not fail to provoke a certain disturbance which incited one of these passengers to protest, though not without timidity. I should mention that he went and sat down as and when this eventuality became possible.

I will append to this short account this addendum: I had occasion to observe this passenger some time subsequently in the company of an individual whom I was unable to identify. The conversation which they were exchanging with some animation seemed to have a bearing on questions of an aesthetic nature.

In view of these circumstances, I would request you to be so kind, Sir, as to intimate to me the inference which I should draw from these facts and the attitude which you would then deem appropriate that I adopt in re the conduct of my subsequent mode of life.

Anticipating the favour of your reply, believe me to be, Sir, your very obedient servant at least.

In this new novel, executed with his accustomed
brio,
the
famous novelist X, to whom we are already indebted for so many masterpieces, has decided
to confine himself to very clear-cut characters who act in an atmosphere which
everybody, both adults and children, can understand. The plot revolves, then, round the
meeting in a bus of the hero of this story and of a rather enigmatic character who picks
a quarrel with the first person he meets. In the final episode we see this mysterious
individual listening with the greatest attention to the advice of a friend, a past
master of Sartorial Art. The whole makes a charming
impression which
the novelist X has etched with rare felicity.

On the platform, pla pla pla, of a bus, chuff chuff chuff, which was an
S (and singing still dost soar, and soaring ever singest), it was about noon, ding dang
dong, ding dang dong, a ridiculous ephebus, poof poof, who had one of those hats, pooh,
suddenly turned (twirl twirl) on his neighbour angrily, grrh grrh, and said, hm hm:
“You are purposely jostling me, Sir,” Ha ha. Whereupon, phfftt, he threw
himself on to a free seat and sat down, plonk.

The same day, a bit later, ding dang dong, ding dang dong, I saw him
again in the company of another ephebus, poof poof, who was talking
overcoat buttons, (boorra boorra, it wasn’t as warm as all that . . .)

Ha ha.

ogical analysis

Bus.

Platform.

Bus platform. That’s the place.

Midday.

About.

About midday. That’s the time.

Passengers.

Quarrel.

A passengers’ quarrel. That’s the action.

Young man.

Hat. Long thin neck.

A young man with a hat and a plaited cord round it. That’s the
chief character.

Person.

A person.

A person. That’s the second character.

Me.

Me.

Me. That’s the third character, narrator.

Words.

Words.

Words. That’s what was said.

Seat vacant.

Seat taken.

A seat that was vacant and then taken. That’s the result.

The gare Saint-Lazare.

An hour later.

A friend.

A button.

Another phrase heard. That’s the conclusion.

Logical conclusion.

One day, at about midday, I got into an S bus which was nearly full. In
an S bus which was nearly full there was a rather ridiculous young man. I got into the
same bus as he, and this young man, having got into this same nearly full S bus before
me, at about 12 noon, was wearing on his head a hat which I found highly ridiculous, I,
the person who happened to be in the same bus as he, on the S line, one day, at about 12
noon.

This hat was encircled by a sort of lanyard-like plaited cord, and the
young man who was wearing the hat—and the cord—happened to
be in the same bus as I, a bus which was nearly full because it was 12 noon; and
underneath the hat, whose cord was an imitation of a lanyard, was a face succeeded by a
long neck, by a long, long neck. Ah, how long it was, the neck of the young man who was
wearing a hat encircled by a lanyard on an S bus, one day at about 12 noon.

There was a lot of pushing and shoving in the bus which was conveying
us towards the terminus of the S line, one day at about 12 noon, me and the young man
who had put a long neck under a ridiculous hat. The jolts which occurred resulted in a
protest, which protest emanated from the young man who had such a long neck on the
platform of an S bus, one day at about 12 noon.

There was an accusation formulated in a voice damp with wounded
dignity, because on the platform of an S bus, a young man had a hat which was equipped
with a lanyard all the way round it, and a long neck; there was also a vacant seat
suddenly in this S bus which was nearly full because it was 12 noon, a seat which was
soon occupied by the young man with the long neck and the ridiculous hat, a
seat which he coveted because he didn’t wish to get pushed
around any more on that bus platform, one day at about 12 noon.

Two hours later I saw him again in front of the gare Saint-Lazare, the
young man whom I had noticed on the platform of an S bus, the same day, at about 12
noon. He was with a companion of the same species as himself who was giving him some
advice relative to a certain button on his overcoat. The other was listening
attentively. The other—that’s the young man who had a lanyard round his hat,
and whom I saw on the platform of a nearly full S bus, one day, at about 12 noon.

gnorance