Entangled (23 page)

“I’m not. I’m not one to care for anyone, not emotionally. Back home, I dated, well it was more like I had sex with girls and moved on. I didn’t mix feelings and girls. It got too complicated and I didn’t want any of that shit. I didn’t want to feel anything for anyone and I never did.”

“And now?” She asks, a little smile appearing at the corner of her lips. I think she knows I’m pussy whipped at this point. She laces her fingers together and waits.

“With Maddy, it’s different. It
feels
different. I feel with her. I want to know her, her likes, dislikes. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh.” I want to know what her skin feels like underneath mine. I want to know what her lips taste like. And feel her body against mine. If I’m being honest with myself, I want to get acquainted with all the sensitive places on her body and be the one to make her squirm from pleasure.

Shit, I need to put the brakes on these ridiculous thoughts. I glance at my aunt, she’s staring at me.

“Why don’t you think you’re good enough though, Noah? You’re a good man, regardless what you may think. You’ve got a heart, which is more than I can say for your heartless father. I think you need to start off slow. She’s been through a lot. I didn’t think her dating Landon was good for her but what the hell did I know?”

Oh yeah, that’s kind of a problem. I never liked him. “I can’t stand Landon. We almost got into it at the bar.” She purses her lips together and then folds her hands under her chin.

“Noah, you can’t go picking fights. You moved away from that life, you need to learn to control your temper. Violence is not the answer.” What a cliché thing to say. But I know she’s right. It never did anything for me but give me a fat lip or swollen eye. Of course sometimes the guy was worse off. I just don’t want to be that guy anymore.

“I’m trying…but bad habits are hard to break.”

“I know. But try harder. As for Maddy, be her friend. Apparently there is more going on in her life than we know. She’s a sweet girl and needs someone to make her happy. I know you would be good for her. But don’t rush into anything.”

A laugh escapes my throat before I can stop it. Aware of the situation, and how unfunny it really is, I can’t help but find that comment a little ridiculous. “Uh, explain how a fucked up
guy like me would be good for an unlucky, sweet girl like Maddy. That makes no damn sense. It sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen.” She stands up and pushes her chair in.

“First of all, language. Second, we’ll finish this conversation later. I heard doors shutting.” Just then, Derrick walks in.

“Hey mama.” He kisses her cheek. Such a mama’s boy. I laugh to myself, hiding my envy he has such a good relationship with her. When he sees me, he nods. “Hey Noah. What’s up man?” I wave like an idiot and freeze when Maddy walks in the door with Andi. She’s wearing dark jeans that hug her hips perfectly and a purple long sleeved shirt showing off her killer curves. I have to look away before I’m accused of gawking.

Of course she spots me and her eye brows raise. “Hey Noah.” I try to smile, feeling embarrassed. Okay, time to go. I get up and approach my aunt, kissing her on the opposite cheek my cousin just had his lips on.

“Thanks for the chat. I’ll get started on your new kitchen table soon.”

“Oh thank you, sweetie. And anytime, my door is always open.” She gives me a hug. I try not to stiffen in her embrace. Still getting used to the touchy feely thing.

I pull away and wave bye to the others, with a “see you guys later” over my shoulder. I feel like an ass for taking off so quickly but I’m just not in the mood to hang out right now.  Without looking back, I head to my jeep, feeling the breeze on my face.

I know I should talk to her.

Maddy

I didn’t expect to see Noah here. Then again, she’s his aunt so I can’t be surprised when he visits. She’s all the family he has. I’d just wanted to apologize for the other night and hadn’t had a chance. Well, there was my chance. And I didn’t take it?

“Maddy, go talk to him.” Andi says to me quietly.

“He’s probably already gone.” He obviously wasn’t expecting to see me either and by the looks of it, he couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

“Just go and see. He’s probably still here. You might catch him.” She’s practically shoving me out of the kitchen and out the door. I glare at her before walking outside. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling the chill of the breeze hit my body making me shiver. Sure enough, he’s leaning against his jeep, facing it with his head down and arms up on the door frame. What’s he doing?

“Noah?” Startled, he lifts his head and sees me. I meet his eyes with my head held high, though inside I’m a bundle of nerves. I stop in front of him. “I’m…I wanted to apologize for the other night.”

“Which part? You crying in my arms and then not talking to me or ditching me with some stranger?” I want to lash out at him for bringing up my mother and the twenty questions, but I swallow my words instead.

“All of it. It was a really bad night and I wanted to forget it all, drown my sorrows in alcohol. It was stupid. I’m sorry.” I move to stand beside him, leaning back against his car.

He’s avoiding eye contact so I stare straight ahead, kicking the gravel with my boot. Silence between us hangs a little uncomfortably. When I can’t stand it anymore, I push myself off the vehicle and start walking back to the house. Screw this! I’ve said what I needed to say.

“Wait!” Noah’s voice brings me to a halt, but I don’t turn around. My heart is beating fast. I stick my sweaty hands in my jeans. “I have something to say.” I turn around, he’s close now. So close I can smell his deodorant. I quietly follow him to the same porch swing I’ve spent many nights on. It’s old and rusty, needs a fix but it still rocks back and forth. We sit down.

He rests his hands on his knees before he glances at me. I keep some distance and we start swinging in silence, each occupied by our own thoughts. “I didn’t realize how peaceful it is out here. Living in the city is so different. Everyone has to be doing something all the time. I doubt they take the time to appreciate nature in all its beauty.” I’m quiet but listening to his every word. “Out here, just sitting feeling the breeze on your face and listening to the silence, no cars interrupting…it’s nice.” I’m used to it and that’s what I love about small towns and the country side. I don’t think I’d be good in the big city. I rest my hands in my lap and occasionally glance at him, his posture is tense. I notice his jaw twitching nervously but he’s not looking at me. I suddenly feel uncomfortable, biting my bottom lip. And then, he looks at me. “I’m sorry too. About the other night. I was only wanting to help and I didn’t think that guy was really what you were looking for. But I understand the need to hide the pain, any pain. I know what it’s like to want that escape. I’ve lived it all my life.” He looks down at his hands, fidgeting. I sense he’s nervous about something when his right leg begins to bounce nonstop. I want to hold it down, it’s shaking the swing. Why is he nervous?

“I think maybe you should talk to someone.” All thoughts flee my mind.

“You mean like a therapist?” I ask defensively, though I’m not sure why that surprises me for someone to suggest. Andi is always telling me to get help. Even Landon brought it up once.

“No, well yes. Or maybe just someone who will listen. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. You just need to talk, get your feelings out, whatever’s bothering you. It might help.” Says the boy who’s so closed off about his own feelings. He has no idea what I’ve had to deal with, what my life’s been like. The last thing I need from anyone is pity. I’ve survived on my own, well not completely on my own. I had Andi and her amazing family, Linda and Derrick too. But still, it hasn’t been easy.

“Have you ever gone to therapy?” I ask, curiously.

“Actually, yes. I went for a year. I digressed after making some progress. But I think I’m too damaged. There’s just a lot of shame and guilt I carry with me and I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.” I want to ask what happened. Obviously there is something far more than just his parents’ drama. But I don’t push.

“Andi says I should go too. I don’t know. I am just not too keen on the idea.” I rock back and forth, noticing the space between us has lessened. He’s so close now. I scratch my nose to keep myself thinking about anything but the proximity and the curve of his lip.

“Maddy, what happened to your parents?” Please change the subject.

I pick at my skin on my fingernail. I need a manicure, I realize. Then I sigh and look up at him. “I told you already, my mom was in a car accident and my dad sort of shut himself off. It’s like he forgot he had a daughter who was suffering along with him. Andi’s family let me spend most nights with them. Our parents knew each other and they said my dad would come around, that he needed time to grieve.” I let out a sarcastic laugh to keep the pain from showing. “If he would have just talked to me, I wouldn’t have spent so much time feeling abandoned or unloved. I lost my mother the same night he lost his wife. I get it; he lost the love of his life. He knew her longer than he knew me. But loss is loss, it hurts all the same. So basically I lost both of my parents that night.” I realize in that moment if the Harper family hadn’t been there to take me in, I would’ve been an orphan, so to speak. I laugh. Noah doesn’t.

“Have you talked to your dad lately?”

“Nah, not really. The last time I tried, he was too busy. I gave up trying.” Noah places his arm on the back of the swing. I study the lines of his hand.

“I probably remind him too much of my mother and it hurts to look at me.” He nods in understanding. Maybe he does understand. I wish I had the guts to ask him his full story.

We continue swinging in comfortable silence. I push my hair out of my face as I get smacked from the wind.

“Maddy…” He starts. I look up at him, waiting. His eyes concentrated and intense are a deep green, a green any guy would envy. Hell I envy those eyes. I lean back and relax but keep eye contact, my pulse racing. “I was going to say that if you ever want to talk…to me, I’ll try my best to listen and give you advice. I’m not good at that, but I’ll try my darndest. I just think we could really use a friend, someone that may understand us. Or maybe that’s just me.” A smile on my lip forces his eyes to shift down to my mouth.

“You know, the same goes for you. If there’s something you need to get off your chest or you just want to hear yourself talk for the hell of it, I’m here.” He laughs, stretching his legs out in front of him. I like the sound and I hope to hear it more often.

I look at the house wondering what they’re doing in there. I’m sure by now Andi suspects that I’ve been out here making out with Noah. I want to tell him about Andi’s dad. I want to confide in him things I can’t tell her. She’s my best friend but sometimes it’s hard to tell her everything, especially when it involves her. I don’t have anyone else to really talk to. Derrick and Landon both know me pretty well and all the shit I’ve been through. I’ve left the rest of our friends behind after high school. I know I can talk to Amanda; she’s always good at listening and dishing out advice. It’s just better to not mix work and personal life. Maybe it’s really that Noah opened that door and I walked through it.

“What are you thinking about? You’re awfully quiet.” I turn to glance at Noah, who’s leaning his head back with his hands behind his neck, eyes closed. I take too long to answer as one of his eyes pry open and his lip lifts at the one corner.

I shrug. “Does one always have to be thinking about something just because they’re quiet? I mean, can’t they just be quiet because they want to be?” I ask.

He quirks his brow and crosses his arms over his chest. “You aren’t the quiet type.”

“You don’t know me, how do you know what “type” I am?” I quip.

“Okay, you’re right. I don’t know you, that well. But from what I’ve seen, you’re not the quiet type.” Now I quirk my brow at him but say nothing. I am kind of quiet around him. I’m also shy and nervous around him. Ugh. I need to loosen up and show him he doesn’t intimidate me.

“Well, anyway if you must know, I was just thinking that Andi must be wondering what I’m still doing out here. She’s probably waiting for me to come back in and give her some juicy gossip about a possible make-out session.” He laughs and purses his lips together, in contemplation. I feel my cheeks redden at the thought of kissing him.

All of sudden Noah lets out a loud cackle and I give him a cocky grin before joining him in hysterics. “I’m sorry you have to disappoint her. Such a shame, actually.” He shakes his head, still laughing a little. He really has a lovely smile, showing his nice teeth.

“Whatever, I’m totally going to make something up just to see her reaction.”

“You mean you’re gonna make up a juicy story of our make-out session?” I nod, looking at the window. “That’s cruel, but funny as hell. Let me know how that works out for you.” I swing my legs back and forth, feeling nervous. My hands are on both sides of my thighs, really close to his left hand. I could move my hand over to my right once and it would touch his. But then he rests them in his lap again. A feeling of disappointment and relief simultaneously slam into me. 

Noah looks down at his watch and stands up. I’m not ready to go back inside yet but I don’t want to stay out here by myself either. “Hey, I better get going.” I stand up, popping my back from the left to the right, feeling the kinks sorted out.