Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (49 page)

Other frustrating and sad examples of being
unclear
on the concept
include those who seek out D/s relationships because it’s
the
trendy or popular
thing to do, Dominants who seek submissives
because they can’t get laid
any other way
, submissives who want a
Dominant who will
“fix”
them in some way, and of course, the
determinedly self-destructive or even
suicidal
person who just needs a
helping hand from an all-too-cooperative but clueless sadistic Dominant. 
Sooner or later, you’re bound to meet some of these people.  Will you
recognize them, when you do? 

Trust Issues

Trust is hard;
not
just for you,
not
just for me, it’s hard for
everyone
.  Even those who claim to trust
often and easily will usually
tell you so
in a manner that suggests that
they consider this to be something of a curse.  For some, trusting is
something that is difficult to do, for others it’s easy to
do
, but
difficult to live with the consequences.  Either way,
trust can be
hard,
and that is why
trust issues
account for a significant slice
of the underlying issues that can plague D/s relationships.

When we think of
trust
as it pertains to
relationships, we typically contemplate notions of
fidelity
, and
questions about whether or not one partner may be
cheating
on the other
in some way.  This is truly unfortunate, since
trust
can mean
so
much more
, particularly in the context of a D/s relationship dynamic. 
In the early stages of a D/s relationship, a Dominant may ask his
submissive-to-be the
seemingly
simple question,
“Do you trust me?”
 
The novice sub may respond,
“Yes, I do trust you,”
by which, she almost
certainly means something like,
“I trust you not to betray me or break my
heart.” 

Unfortunately, that’s
probably not
what was
going through the Dominant’s head when he asked the question which is, in fact,
deceptively complex
and difficult to answer.  What the Dominant may
really
be asking is,
do you trust me to be competent as your Master?
 
Do you trust me to do the right thing, and to know what I am talking about? 
Do you trust me to put your needs before my own, and to always act in your best
interests?  Do you trust me to have a plan for us, to execute that plan,
and to accomplish what I say I will?
  The submissive simply responds,
“Yes,
I do trust you,”
and thus, the
first
major misstep of a budding D/s
relationship goes
completely unnoticed
by either.
 

In later stages of the relationship, the submissive
may engage in activities which
she
considers to be well-intentioned acts
of
relationship maintenance
- asking questions, getting feedback, trying
to better understand her Dom’s motives and plans - without realizing that her
Dominant
may
interpret this as a
loss of trust
and a
violation
of her earlier promise
.  A relationship
death-spiral
begins to swirl
around the couple as the submissive becomes more agitated and confused, and the
Dominant becomes increasingly angry.  Not only does she
not understand
what she’s done wrong
in the eyes of her Dominant,
he
can’t
understand why
she can’t seem to see it.
 

To be sure, not every Dominant is going to be
worthy
of a submissive’s trust.  Obviously, in those cases, a submissive should
not accept his collar in the first place, or if his unworthiness is only made
apparent at a later stage of the relationship, she should ask to be
released.  It isn’t
trustworthiness
itself that we’re talking about
here, however.  The issue
here
is,
are these two people even
speaking the same language
when they say they “
trust”
one
another? 

A Dominant needs to be able to trust his submissive
too, and once again, that trust needs to be more than the simple assurance that
he won’t be betrayed.  He trusts that she will be earnest in her efforts
to learn what she must about the lifestyle, her role in the relationship, and
about
him.
  He trusts that she understands the concepts of loyalty,
devotion, service, and respect.  He trusts her to reveal to him her
thoughts, feelings, and activities of her day.  He trusts her to represent
him in all ways, in everything that she does.  He trusts her to take him
seriously, and that she will follow his guidance, instruction or advice. 
When these things do
not
happen, or they
stop
happening at some
point in the relationship, the dynamic changes
radically
, and in most
cases, it’s
not for the better
.

Hidden Agendas

When it comes to hidden agendas, D/s relationships
can provide fertile ground for what is, even in
vanilla
relationships,
always
going to be a complex issue.  A
hidden agenda
exists when a person is
focused upon and is actively working to achieve a goal that differs
significantly from his or her
stated goals.
  The most common
examples are the Dominant who
says
he wants a D/s
relationship
,
when all he
really
wants is a
sex slave,
and the submissive who
says
she wants a
Master
, when all she
really
wants is a
collar.

Another great illustration of a hidden agenda is
what happens when a
monogamist
becomes involved with a
polyamorist
 
and
at least one
of the partners secretly harbors an unstated plan to convert
the other to his or her own way of loving.

The unfortunate thing about hidden agendas is the
fact that they are rarely discovered until
after
you’ve made a
significant investment into the relationship of time, effort, emotional energy
and financial resources towards a destination or goal that
isn’t
necessarily
the same place your
partner
wants to go to.  There’s really only
one way to avoid hidden agendas or mitigate the damage that can be done by
them, and that is to be observant for
inconsistencies.
  Any
apparent
disconnect
between what a person
says
they hope to
accomplish in the relationship, versus their
actual behavior
should
probably be considered a yellow flag.

Incompetence

I recently learned that, in the jungles of Central and
South America,
sloths
-
which live their entire lives in trees
-
are sometimes so inept,
so incompetent
, that they will frequently grab
their
own arms
and legs,
thinking they are
tree limbs
, and
fall to their deaths.  In some ways, I suppose, it is regrettable that
natural selection doesn’t work
quite
so efficiently in the D/s
lifestyle.

Incompetence
,
unfortunately, is no stranger to D/s relationships or to the fetish culture in
general.  People in this lifestyle are typically
tolerant in the
extreme
of other people’s kinks, even when it
looks
like they may be
completely clueless
.  After all,
who are we to judge?
 
What gives us the right to tell them that they’re
doing it wrong? 
Unless
and until we see something that involves
breaking the law
,
non-consent
or doing
permanent damage
to someone, we
generally
avoid trying
to tell other people how to get their jollies.  I honestly
do
believe this almost-universal atmosphere of tolerance is a
good thing
,
even though I also believe it can sometimes have unintended consequences.

D/s, in its purest form, may be a
mindset or an
attitude
, but relationships and BDSM activities often require
skills
of
one sort or another.  They may be as simple as
communication skills
,
or as complex as
kinkabu suspension
skills.   And where do we
go
for that kind of training?  If we’re
lucky
, we are
mentored
and
guided by someone who is not only
competent
, but capable and
compassionate.  A less fortunate group, consisting of those who aren’t
blessed with competent mentors, will
at least
be diligent enough to do a
little
homework
so they can learn whatever possible from books,
articles, online forums, and other available resources.  The third and
final group consists of
everyone else.
  These are the people who
are simply
making it up as they go. 
In a nutshell, their
trial-and-error-based strategy is to
“fake it, ‘til they make it.”
 

If we were talking about
any other kind of
lifestyle
, this strategy probably wouldn’t be much of a problem.  For
example, if I wanted to adopt a
surfing lifestyle
, I could easily adopt
a trial-and-error strategy to learn how to surf, what kinds of surfboards I
should buy, where to go to catch the best waves, and
so on
.  And
while
some
of those lessons might turn out to be embarrassing,
expensive, time consuming or even
painful
to me
personally
, there
is going to be very little chance that I can
destroy someone else’s life
in the process.  A Dominant can,
and often does
, assume that risk
when he accepts full responsibility for practically
every aspect
of another
person’s life.  Similarly, a submissive holds her Dominant’s fate in her
hands in ways that the average person cannot even
begin
to
comprehend.  What happens, for example, if a
“slave”
decides
long
after
a turbulent Master/slave relationship has
ended
, that there
never
really was any
consent
involved?  What do
you
think your
chances would be of convincing a judge and jury that someone actually
wanted
to be treated like a slave? 

The bottom line: incompetence can be encountered
anywhere
in this lifestyle and it can have far-reaching, sometimes
unimaginable
consequences.  Keep it at
arm’s length
, whenever possible.

Abuse

Let’s start this section off by stating what
should
be fairly obvious to just about anyone capable of
reading
.  Abuse,
in
any
form, should never be tolerated by
anyone
in, or out, of
this lifestyle.  That includes
physical
abuse,
sexual
abuse,
financial
abuse, and even
emotional
abuse.  There are
many
misinformed and, frankly,
bigoted
individuals who equate the D/s and
BDSM lifestyles with an inherently abusive relationship dynamic.  They
often claim without any evidence
whatsoever
to support their allegations
that these lifestyles promote violence and the objectification of women, as
well as a host of other societal ills which apparently
must
be blamed on
someone,
before they can be
“eradicated.”
 My perspective on
this is if you believe that either of these problems will ever be
eradicated
,
then I have some
prime Everglades real estate
deals I’d like to discuss
with you.  

Abuse
does
exist in the D/s and BDSM
lifestyles, just as it occurs in
every
lifestyle.  The
false
impression
that it occurs with greater frequency in
our
lifestyle
than elsewhere can likely be attributable to the increasingly popular and
insidious notion that people are
stupid
and can’t be trusted to make
their own life choices; therefore they
must be rescued from
themselves. 
In this
nanny-state
worldview, a masochist woman
who is happily married to a sadistic man
hasn’t
made a valid lifestyle
choice
at all.
  She is a
brainwashed
and perhaps even
mentally
ill
victim
of a sadistic
misogynist
who married her
not
because
he loves her or because they have mutually complementary interests, but because
he hates women
.  This twisted sort of logic is applied just as frequently
to people involved in plural marriages, age play, humiliation play, pet play,
and a host of other activities that offend the sensitivities of the
nanny-state
elitists who think they know what’s best for you.

One of the rather unfortunate consequences of the
political exploitation of the D/s lifestyle to serve political ends has been
that
real abuse
may sometimes be overlooked.  When
everything
related
to the lifestyle is mischaracterized by
outsiders
as abuse, people
within
the lifestyle tend to circle their wagons and adopt a mutually defensive
stance.  This can
sometimes
result in a community-wide spirited
defense of someone who, frankly,
might not deserve it.
 

I believe the answer, for both the community
and
for
its individual members, is to examine any allegation of abuse independently and
fairly, and to avoid the natural tendency to assume that
any
accusation
of abuse is the result of misinformation and bigotry.  In the final
analysis, we must be able to presume that consenting adults are going to be
fully capable of knowing when and whether they are being abused, without any
help from you, me
or
the
nanny-state busybodies
.  The
discerning criterion should be,
are they happy?
 If
so
, then
butt out.