Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (51 page)

The most difficult rules to follow in any
relationship are the
ones that no one told you about.
  Being held
accountable
for something that you’re unaware of is manifestly
unfair.
 
Unfortunately, there will always be things left unsaid because it is simply
assumed
that we
know
certain things, and understand the implications of what
we’re doing. 

One of the things typically assumed by practically
everyone in the D/s lifestyle is the notion that Dominants,
almost by
definition,
make the rules
.
  If you consider yourself a
Dominant, yet are subject to a rule-set not of your own making,
I have bad
news for you
.  Similarly, if you consider yourself a submissive, yet
are telling your Dominant what he should or shouldn’t be
doing, thinking or
feeling
, then
I have bad news for you, too.
  Here it is, the
awful, unvarnished truth: 
You’re probably far more vanilla than you
care to admit.
  The
good
news is, I’m told the survival rate
for people with this condition is quite good. 

Role Drift, Role Abandonment, &
Role Reversal

When an individual is
hard-wired
for
dominance or submission, he is likely to remain so for as long as he
lives.  It is extremely rare for anyone to be able to change these core
personality traits in any meaningful or significant way.  This is
not
the
case, however, for anyone who may be
consciously or unconsciously acting out
a role
of Dominance or submission.  In those cases, a D/s relationship
which is based on the assumption of a Dominant or submissive
role
by one
or both partners runs a high risk of falling victim to
role drift, role
abandonment, or role reversal.
 

Role drift
is what happens when a partner’s assumed role incrementally changes over
time.  It should come as no surprise to anyone that this sort of thing
happens in
all
kinds of relationships,
not
just in D/s related
ones.  The impact of this phenomenon is relatively more severe in D/s
relationships for the simple reason that most D/s relationships
exist
primarily for the sake of the Dominance/submission dynamic.
 

Role drift can occur at either end of the D/s
spectrum, and for a wide variety of reasons.  Quite often, it is a natural
consequence of a person’s maturation or the simple broadening of his
horizons.  It is fairly common and almost reasonable for people to assume,
for example, that just because they
want
to be Dominants, or because
they happen to be particularly
good at performing in a Dominant role
,
then
that’s what they are.
  Unfortunately,
it ain’t necessarily
so.
  These folks would more accurately be described as
Tops.
 

A
Top
is a person who
situationally or
temporarily
assumes a Dominant role as appropriate for BDSM scenes,
specific relationship or sexual partners, or simply as the mood strikes
him.  A Top may, in fact, be
very, very good
at what he does, which
is
assuming a Dominant role. 
But that doesn’t
necessarily
mean that he finds lasting joy or fulfillment in it.  Perhaps he assumes
the role of a Top to please his partner.  Perhaps he continues doing it
simply because he is very
good at it
, and it’s really
nice to be good
at something.
 
 
Or, perhaps he does it in an earnest
effort to
discover his inner Dominant.
 Whatever the reason, it
ultimately comes down to this:  It is
something he does
, and not
necessarily
who he is.
  It is a
role,
and eventually,
all
roles become tedious. 
Once fulfilling his role starts
feeling like
work,
it’s only a matter of time and opportunity before the inevitable
process of role drift begins.

Bottoms
are equally as susceptible to role drift, and for essentially the same reasons,
with one notable exception.  Subs and bottoms
both
depend on their
Dominants and Tops to
act like Dominants.
  That means they are
expected to make important decision, handle problems, and generally provide for
the wants and needs of their subs.  When they
fail
to fulfill these
obligations, it isn’t as if those needs
just go away
.  Obviously,
someone
has to do it
, and that usually means the submissive must take up the
slack.  Over the course of many months, or perhaps even
years
, the
submissive’s cherished role is whittled away bit by bit until one day, she
suddenly wakes up to the realization that she somehow ended up in a place where
she never wanted to be.  She’s
in charge.

A folk tale that is often used to illustrate this
principle of
gradual, almost imperceptible change over time
involves
what happens when you toss a
live frog
into a pot of boiling
water.  According to the earthy folks who love to tell this tale, your
frog will immediately
leap right back out of the pot
.  Apparently,
this is a
bad thing
, because (this is the part that strains credulity) I
am
supposedly really hungry for a boiled frog

When I was first told this story, I was more than
just a little
skeptical
.  But then again, my only real experience
at tossing live critters into boiling water involved
lobsters
, and
they’re not exactly known for being
big leapers.
  They do, however,
make a
creepy sound;
but I digress.  There’s apparently
more
to this
how-to-boil-a-frog
story, and we’re just getting to the good
part:  If you were to put your frog, instead, into a pot of
cool water
and raise the temperature
incrementally
, he will simply
sit there
like a dope and
tolerate
the increasingly hot water until he is fully
cooked, through and through.  This is great little story, for everyone but
the frog.  The moral of it, obviously, is
don’t be that frog
. 
Or, perhaps,
don’t marry that frog. 
Or, just
don’t eat frog.

Role abandonment
occurs when a partner in a relationship suddenly just
discards
his or
her previous role.  It happens in many different ways, and for a variety
of reasons, but it is almost always a
surprise
to almost everyone
concerned.  The most common scenarios leading to role abandonment include
such things as the termination of a relationship, unforeseen difficulties in
assuming the role, catastrophic failure in fulfilling his responsibilities, or the
sudden realization that while
he
is role playing,
his partner is
not. 

It is, in a nutshell, the so-called-adult version of
“I don’t want to play anymore...  I quit.”

Giselle
was a petite, ambitious twenty-six-year-old lifestyle submissive when she met
Carl.  Carl was a few years older, ruggedly handsome, and relatively
successful in his chosen career as a real estate agent.  There was just
one little problem with Carl.  He was as
vanilla
as they come, and
Giselle had vowed after her recent divorce that she would
never again
be
involved in another
vanilla relationship
.  And so, over the course
of the next few months, Giselle introduced her new beau to the D/s and BDSM
lifestyles.  To his credit, Carl was a good pupil who found everything
about this new culture fascinating and, as a result, he caught on
quickly.  Giselle reveled in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to
“create
the perfect Dom”
by mentoring and teaching him how to be
decisive
,
yet collaborative.  He would be
strong
, yet compassionate.  He
would be
aggressive and confident
, yet gentle and humble.  And when
it came to
BDSM
skills and knowledge?  Carl was going to be
legendary.

Giselle’s mentorship of Carl continued apace with
the growing intensity of their relationship and five months later, to absolutely
no one’s surprise, they were married in a simple traditional wedding for the
benefit of their families.  Later that evening, a private
collaring
ceremony
was conducted for the couple and their friends in the lifestyle.  Giselle
was
living her dream
, and couldn’t have been happier. 

Carl, on the other hand, was secretly beginning to
feel a little
overwhelmed.
  He certainly
appreciated
the
faith that Giselle had placed in him, he enjoyed the kinky BDSM play, and he
loved his new friends in the lifestyle.  But he never expected this stuff
to
take over his life.
 
Everything
now seemed to revolve
around their kinky
activities
, their kinky
toys
, or their kinky
friends
. 
Even the
collaring ceremony
, in his view, had been way over the top, but
he had gone along with it because he wanted to make Giselle
happy.
 She
was always seeking
new skills
,
new thrills
, and
new play
partners
for increasingly challenging scenes and it was becoming
increasingly difficult for Carl to deal with it all.

Then, the economy took a turn for the worse. 
The real estate market tanked, and Carl was laid off.  Giselle began
having health problems that seemingly defied treatment and mystified her
doctors.  Their savings were gone, their retirement accounts devastated, medical
bills were mounting, and there were no jobs to be had.  Throughout it
all,
Giselle continued to have faith in Carl, telling him daily,
“I know you’ll
be able to turn things around.”
 

One sunny Saturday morning, Carl woke up to the sure
knowledge that he
just didn’t want to be a Dom any more.
   He
told Giselle, “I’m sorry, but it’s just
too hard.
  I want to go
back to being just a
regular guy
, with
regular problems.
 
You know,
like before we started doing all this BDSM stuff. 
I feel
like I’m being expected to manage
your
life,
when I can’t even handle
my own. 
It’s just too much.  I’m
done.”

A year later, Carl and Giselle were divorced. 
Today, Giselle is still active in the lifestyle, and is still seeking her
perfect
Dominant.
  Carl has put the D/s lifestyle behind him, and prefers now
to immerse himself deeply in the
cosplay and furry cultures
.  The
two of them have managed to remain dear but distant friends.

Role reversal
is characterized by a polar shift from Dominant to submissive, or vice
versa.  It occurs for many of the same reasons as
role shift
and
role
abandonment
, but the starkly contrasting consequences of such a complete
reversal of roles can be jarring or even
traumatic
to the other partner
in a D/s relationship.  The depth of the emotional impact that this kind
of sudden metamorphosis can have on one’s partners may be difficult to
comprehend for anyone who is not, himself, defined primarily by D/s roles and
traits.  In some ways, it could be compared to how a typical person might
react if he came home from work one day to discover that his spouse had
undergone a
sex-change
operation, or had switched her sexual
orientation.  Yes, it’s
that big of a deal.

Like any other lifestyle, the D/s lifestyle is
defined
by what we think is
important
.  Unsurprisingly, we believe that
Domination
and submission
are central to our way of life, our way of relating to one
another, and our sense of purpose and self-worth.  Assuming either
character trait as a part of one’s
role play
activity may be a perfectly
legitimate and entertaining
thing for many people to
do
, but it
makes a terrible foundation upon which to build a lasting and meaningful D/s
relationship.

Religion

Here we go again, talking about that thing
no one
likes to talk about
- religion.  In the previous chapter, we discussed
how religion,
for the most part
, should
not
be an obstacle to a
healthy D/s relationship or for
most
BDSM activities.  In
this
section, we’re going to explore some of the ways it
can be. 
In the
vanilla
world, religion typically becomes a stumbling block to
relationships in one of two ways.  The first occurs when one partner in a
relationship is religious and the other is
not.
  The other occurs
when
both
partners are religious, but their religious views are
incompatible
.  
As unpleasant and complicated as those two scenarios can be, they can’t hold a
candle to the absurdity and magnitude of the potential mess that can
sometimes
result from mixing kink and religion.

You probably don’t need to be told that couples in
D/s relationships are just as prone, if not more so, as
anyone
to the
two scenarios we just mentioned.  Having different religious beliefs can
be hard on
any
relationship, but this is a problem that has been around
for as long as religions and relationships have existed.  Exercising a
little tolerance and the ability to moderate your natural desire to share your
beliefs can go a long way to reducing any potential for religious friction in
this regard.  It starts to get just a little more complicated, however,
when the major point of contention between these two religious viewpoints
becomes D/s or BDSM
itself.
  Fortunately, this isn’t terribly
common, but it
does
happen.