Determination (6 page)

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just… I didn’t know how to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I don’t deserve it, but I’m so grateful.” Nestling into the crook of his neck, I rested my body against his and delighted in the feeling of his arms around my chest, careful of the burn, and his love surrounding me.

“You do deserve it. I know Mike gets a little excited because he’s really protective of his friends, but you are what’s kept me going these last two years. That last year of high school, when I realized that they all knew I was gay, I wanted to run, or hide, or something. I just wanted to get away from the looks and the whispering, but I knew that I had to finish if I wanted to see you again. Then, after everything happened with Mosely, I couldn’t let myself give up. I hadn’t heard from you, 32

Jamie Mayfield

and a little voice inside me just kept telling me that you were in trouble.

My
Jamie would have done anything to keep in contact with me, and the fact that you hadn’t… it scared me so badly.” Brian’s voice had fallen to a whisper, and the pain in it filled my chest with such longing that it ached.

“God, I wanted to. I kept looking for ways, but we had no access to the Internet, and they monitored all of our mail. I couldn’t contact you because I thought that my mom would call the state on your parents, and no matter how much I needed you, I wouldn’t risk that.

You were safe with the Schreibers. I knew I just had to survive until we were both eighteen. But the more I thought about you, the more I hated myself because I was so selfish to hold you to that promise. I didn’t think you’d be able to get to California or that we could be together. I didn’t have anything to offer you. So I wrote you that letter, and I gave you up. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done because I needed you so much.” The tears welled in my eyes as I remembered how my hands had shaken more with each word I wrote. I’d cried so hard that night as I waited for dawn and the food delivery truck to come.

“I knew, as soon as I read the letter. I knew that you were in trouble and that you needed me. I’d almost decided to take the scholarship and go off to college because I didn’t even know if you were still in California. I packed that night and got on a bus the next day. You got me through that too. I never would have had the courage to leave Alabama and start a new life here without you.” He squeezed me tighter in his arms, and I stared at the blanket covering my chest.

“I ruined your life,” I admitted. The choking sadness in my voice must have caught him off guard, because he turned me in his arms and grabbed my chin. He forced me to look up into his face.

“You
saved
my life. Things here in San Diego are so much better for me than they ever were in Alabama, except for our time together.

Do you remember what high school was like for me before you left?

You were my only friend. People tolerated me when you were around, but when you weren’t, they were cruel. I have amazing friends here who care about me. I have a social life. I have a life, period. I know that you and my parents don’t like me doing porn, but since I got over my initial embarrassment, I don’t have a problem with it. Nick, Julio, and Determination

33

some of the other guys are teaching me the production side of things, and it’s really interesting. I have fans, Jamie. You should see some of the comments that people make on the boards and on the social media sites. I finally feel attractive—sometimes I even feel kinda sexy.” Brian laughed, and the light-hearted sound contrasted sharply with the earlier seriousness. I had to smile at him.

“You are sexy, Brian. God, I used to think of all kinds of horrible things after gym class just to stop myself from getting hard when I saw you. At night, I used to jack off thinking about you and dreaming about a time when we could be together like this.” I swept my arm over us to indicate our position. “Just sitting in each other’s arms, totally unafraid of being discovered. If I weren’t so scared about what Steven is going to do when he finds us, it would be a dream come true.”

“I will not let him hurt you again,” Brian murmured against my neck. “I’d give my life to protect you.” The intensity of his voice underscored just how much he meant what he said. It felt different, though, than having that same conviction about him. The idea of him following through with that sentiment scared me to the core, where dying for him didn’t.

“It won’t come to that.”

“No, it won’t, because we’ve been very careful. He’s not going to find you, and he’s not going to hurt Alex,” he told me softly, and I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to upset the sweet moment. Nestled in his arms, loved and happy, I knew it could be taken away at any second, so I clung to it as tightly as I could.

“So, what happens now?” I asked after a few minutes. The topic wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, not while I sat sheltered in the warmth of Brian’s arms, but I needed to know the plan. My life had been out of my control for such a long time, and I didn’t like that feeling. Brian yawned quietly and snuggled closer under the blanket.

Our combined body heat took the chill out of my bones, which helped with the dull ache I felt all over.

“We’ll stay here a few more days so that you can get a little stronger, and then Leo will take you and me to our new apartment.

Nick is going to make sure that Alex and Mike shoot on the same schedule for a while in case O’Dell shows up at the studio. They’re 34

Jamie Mayfield

going to start locking the door from the first to the second floor just in case, and there are usually a bunch of other guys around so Alex won’t be left alone for a while. Alex, Leo, and Emilio can drop by the apartment while I’m working so you won’t be lonely. Once your stomach has healed, we can do whatever you want. We can stay in San Diego in the new apartment, or we can go back to Alabama. As long as we’re together, Jamie, it doesn’t matter to me where we are.” Brian’s voice trailed at the end, and I knew it was a lie. Brian loved San Diego.

He’d just admitted it was the only place he’d ever felt like he belonged.

I wouldn’t take that away from him, not after what he’d risked for me.

Besides that, I hated Alabama. I didn’t have anything there worth going back for.

“I think we should stay in San Diego if we can figure out how to stay safe.” I kissed the side of his neck as if in punctuation of my statement. I felt his throat vibrate under my lips and asked, “What?”

“I said thank you,” he whispered. My burn screamed in protest as I turned my body so I could kiss him properly, but just as my lips touched his, one of the doors across the small room opened and Emilio came through with a grocery bag in one hand and his keys in the other.

“Hey, guys,” he said with a wave of his keys as he went into the small kitchen. I lost track of him then, though I could hear him putting things in cabinets and some kind of glass bottles in the refrigerator. It took several minutes for him to come back into view and drop into the chair across from where we were on the couch. He flopped one perfectly sculptured, tanned leg over the side, slouching and comfortably spread. A pink flip-flop dangled from his foot as it bounced anxiously. His loose shorts gaped a bit in the leg, and I could see a flash of turquoise beneath. Em really was a beautiful guy and probably the only guy, besides Brian, I’d really enjoyed having a scene with at Hartley.

I found myself rubbing Brian’s bare thigh absently under the blanket.

“How was the shoot?” Brian asked, but the underlying tension in his voice betrayed his nerves. The shoot wasn’t what he wanted to know about. Em understood that and got right to the point.

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35

“He sat in his truck from the time I got there until the time I left. I think he was waiting for someone else. You and I were never that openly friendly, Jamie. I doubt he even thought to stop me and ask me where you were. When I asked around at the studio, he hadn’t bothered any of them. Either he’s biding his time, or he’s waiting for Mike, Alex, or Brian.” Em met Brian’s eye, and I saw a look of understanding pass between them. Brian understood that Steven wouldn’t just give up.

“This is crazy. I don’t want to put anyone—” I started, but before Brian could stop me from finishing the sentence, Em put a hand up.

“Jamie, we all knew what we were getting into. I got the crap kicked out of me practically my whole life, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let it happen to someone else when there’s something we can do about it.”

He looked around and then asked Brian, “Speaking of, where are Mike and Alex?” I snorted, and Em’s eyebrow lifted.

“They’re boffing their brains out upstairs,” I said, and the sadness in Em’s face startled me. Almost as if someone had flipped a switch, the light, bubbly attitude I associated with him turned sullen.

“I’m going to go take a shower. Maybe we can order some food if you’re up for it. Or, I guess I could always go out alone.” He stood up in one quick, lithe movement and headed for the door that led to the third floor.

“Em!” Brian called just before he was through the doorway. Em turned, faked a smile, and told Brian he’d be back down in a little bit.

He called Brian “baby boy,” and I found it didn’t bother me nearly as much as when Mike called him “baby.” The door closed, leaving us alone in the room again.

“I don’t understand,” I told Brian and made an effort to sit up a little more so I could turn to look at him. His face looked tense, troubled, and I stroked his cheek with my fingers. The circles under his eyes bothered me. He looked tired, and much older than anyone who was about to turn nineteen should look.

“Are you sure you want to talk about this? You got pretty pissed in New Orleans,” he warned. I looked down at the blanket again, and shame caused my face to flush hotly. When I’d heard a few weeks before that Mike, Emilio, and Brian used to have a sexual relationship 36

Jamie Mayfield

together, I hadn’t taken it well. I could see in his hesitation that Brian feared another overreaction. We sat in silence for a long time before he sighed and, without touching my skin, linked his fingers over my abdomen.

“Yeah, and I’m sorry about New Orleans. I should have talked to you about it, but I was shocked and upset. I didn’t handle it well,” I admitted, and my flaming face heated up again. “I’d just been so happy that week, being with you, and when I saw you with them and Em said that you guys….” I looked away. Even though I knew Mike was right, that I had no right to be angry with him, it still hurt.

“Em has been sad lately because Mike’s been with Alex and I’ve been with you, and it’s not the three of us anymore. I think he feels lonely and left out,” he confided.

“Yeah, I don’t blame him.” My voice sounded bitter, and I didn’t have the heart to try to soften it with a smile.

“I couldn’t find you.” Brian’s voice was so quiet I almost didn’t hear him. “It hurt every day. One night, they took me out to a club to try to get me to loosen up, and I got drunk for the first time. When I woke up, I was… I was naked in bed with Mike. I felt so sick—not because of the hangover, but because I had betrayed you.”

“Did he hurt you?” I whispered into Brian’s ear.

“Mike? No, of course not. He didn’t… didn’t rape me. I was so alone and hurt and scared. He just… he wanted to make me feel better.

He didn’t hurt me,” he whispered back with a small kiss on my cheek.

“I’m sorry that it hurts you. I’m sorry…. You’ve been through so much and….”

“Shh….” I stroked his face with my fingers and then pulled him closer to kiss him. His elbow touched my stomach, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t move, so I clenched my fists against the pain because I just wanted to feel him. “You thought that I’d given up on you, on us. I hate that it had to happen because we were apart, but I can’t be angry with you for it. It happened after we broke up.”

A strange look passed over Brian’s face, but he didn’t say anything.

“What?” I asked, almost reluctantly.

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“I didn’t know we
had
broken up. I just thought that circumstances got in the way, and now that… never mind. It’s stupid.”

He got up from my lap, and I missed the feeling of his body. I wanted to follow him when he went into the kitchen, but the oxy was making me feel sleepy, dizzy, and kind of slow. When I tried to get up, the room spun, and I fell back onto the couch.

“Hey, now,” Em said, and it startled me because I hadn’t realized he’d come back into the room. He dropped down onto the couch beside me, pulling one leg up between us as he faced me. “He just went to put the tray away, babe. He’ll be right back.”

“Why do I keep screwing up with him? I can’t even figure out why he would still want me.” I put my head in my hands to stop the room from spinning. He either didn’t hear me, or understood that I was rambling disconnected nonsense, because he didn’t say anything about it. “Come on, lie down. You can’t be feeling too great after the morning you’ve had.” Em grabbed a throw pillow from the other side of the couch before holding his arms out. Too tired and upset to argue with him, I fell over with my head on the pillow in Em’s lap. He began to stroke my short hair.

“I seem to remember being in this position with you before…,”

he said, and I smiled at the amusement in his voice. I knew that he was referring to me blowing him in our scene together. It was eighth-grade humor, but it still lessened the weight that had settled in my chest.

Brian came back in the room then and, rather than comment on our position, merely sat on the floor at Em’s feet. I reached down and took his hand.

“I want for us to be together more than anything,” I told him. “I just don’t understand why you would want to be with me. I’m broken, Brian.” He pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it.

“You’re not broken, baby. You’re just a little banged up, a little bent. I want to be with you because I can’t imagine not being with you.

I can’t imagine not loving you, and I don’t want to. I want to come home to you every night and kiss you good morning every day.” His voice was soft, but strong, and though I didn’t think it was even possible, I felt myself falling more deeply in love with him.