Determination (4 page)

“So, what’s new?” Alex asked in a lispy, energetic, effeminate voice, and I couldn’t help it—I laughed. With the drugs in my system to relax me, it sounded more like a giggle than a laugh in my head. He reached over and took my hand. “O-M-G,” he said, sounding excited.

“Jamie, I met the hottest guy. His name is Mike, and he just… God.”

Alex sighed theatrically, and I laughed again. In a stage whisper, he continued, “He has the biggest dick. It’s truly a work of art.”

“I am still here,” Mike said wryly from the floor on the other side of the bed.

“Shh…,” Alex said. “I’m telling a story here, babe.”

Mike, Brian, and Emilio all laughed, and Brian tossed the rag he’d used to rinse my skin back into the bowl. He handed the tray to Em, who took it out of the room.

“Anywhoo, we were in New Orleans, which is fabulous by the way. If you ever have a chance to go, you totally should.” Alex’s free hand was waving in the air as he continued to talk animatedly about spending the week in New Orleans as if I hadn’t been there with them. I never could understand what Brandon and some of the other guys had against Alex, because he was an amazing person.

“So, the friend that I flew down with kind of ditched me when we got to the hotel and took off with another guy,” Alex said and rolled his eyes. I giggled again, and Brian chuckled as he draped some kind of medical paper over my bare abdomen.

“Brian, you just need to cover the area surrounding the burn to keep it sterile. Make sure that you can see all of the affected area,”

Richard said quietly from the computer, and I’d nearly forgotten he was still watching. I wondered how he was going to feel about listening to Determination

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Alex’s account of his time with Mike, but I could focus on only so many things at one time, so I concentrated on Alex’s voice and nothing else as Em walked back into the room.

“But this guy that I roomed with instead, Jamie… God, he was so hot. That first night, we were getting ready for bed. It had been such a long day that I was almost asleep when he came out of the bathroom after his shower, but wow. He walked out in just a towel, and I swear I nearly creamed my superhero jammie bottoms!”

“Jesus Christ,” Mike muttered from the floor with a barely concealed laugh. The bottom of the bed dipped, and I glanced over to see that Mike had moved up onto the bed near my feet. The look he gave Alex was indulgent but sweet, as if there were no one else in the world he’d rather see. I saw that look often, in Brian’s eyes.

“Okay, now take out the sterile scissors and tweezers. You need to remove as much of the damaged skin as you can, and then treat the burn with the Silvadene.” Richard’s voice came again from the small speakers, and Alex stroked my hair as he continued to talk to me in that same cheery tone.

“So, that next night, we went out dancing. Emilio went too,” Alex said with a smile over at Emilio, who assisted Brian by carefully removing the medical supplies from their packages with gloved hands.

Alex’s voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “Then he ran off with a hot bayou boy, and we didn’t see him again.” I looked over at Emilio, who smiled cheekily and continued with his work.

“And what did you guys do?” I asked Alex, not too interested in the answer but more to distract myself from the sight of Brian with those little scissors over my stomach.

“We were on the dance floor, and Mike was dancing behind me.

He slid his fingers up under my shirt and moved against me. It wasn’t anything aggressive, just light and fun. But, God, Jamie, I was so turned on, I almost came right there on the dance floor!” Alex finished in a squeal, and I felt something hard and sharp hit my chest.

“Ow!” I whimpered and rubbed my chest under the paper drapes.

“What the hell?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Brian murmured and quickly snatched the scissors from where they’d fallen on my chest. I looked up at him and 20

Jamie Mayfield

noticed that his face was bright red; a flush had crept over his forehead, his cheeks, and even his neck. I wondered if he’d blushed so deeply because of Alex telling his story where Richard could hear, but then he hadn’t acted like that when Alex talked about Mike coming out of the shower. Mike snorted, and it felt like I was missing a joke. I wanted to ask one of them about it, but then those scissors moved toward my stomach. I tensed all over, all thoughts of Brian’s embarrassment forgotten.

“S-so, what do you like about him?” I asked as my body broke out in a cold sweat in the warm room.

“Close your eyes, Jamie,” Alex whispered as he took my hand. “It will be over soon, hon.” Not wanting to see what cutting away my skin would uncover, I did as he suggested. Brian’s hands were steady, and I felt an almost rhythmic pinch and pull. I’m sure my imagination was worse than the reality of it, but in my mind’s eye, I saw him pulling my skin up with the tweezers. Then a slight tearing as he started to cut into the damaged area. My breathing accelerated, and it felt like someone had sucked the air from the room. The pain seeped in, even around the barrier of the painkillers.

“I like that he listens to me,” Alex said, his voice softer as he switched from his sexual relationship with Mike to their emotional connection. Making an effort to put the medical stuff out of my mind, I was startled to hear the vulnerability in Alex’s voice. “I like that he really sees me. I’m not just a body for him to get off on, or a guy to call when he gets an itch. With him, I can be Alex, and that’s okay.”

The more damaged skin Brian cut away, the worse the pain seemed to become, until I could no longer stop myself from shifting on the bed to get away from it.

“Jamie, I’m almost done.” Brian’s tension was evident in the tightness of his voice. “Baby, you need to lay still.”

I knew I needed to stay still, but the pain was so intense that I couldn’t. Writhing on the bed, I heard Brian’s gasp just as the cold edge of the scissors touched the inside of the burn, and I screamed.

“Mike!” Brian yelled above my scream, and I felt two strong arms holding my chest to the bed. Again, I tried to stay still, but it was Determination

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almost as if my body had a mind of its own, as if it wanted to get away from the pain no matter what my brain said.

“Stop! Please stop… it hurts!” I cried even as Alex joined Mike in holding me still. The fire that consumed my stomach continued to rage. It felt like my skin was melting. When I opened my eyes, I found Brian, his face covered in tears as he worked. Finally, with one last pull, he handed something I couldn’t see to Emilio. And then it felt like Steven was burning me with the welding torch he kept in the basement, and I screamed again, begging him to stop hurting me. I told him I’d do anything… anything, please just make it stop. My throat was hoarse, and pain ripped through every part of me.

“The Silvadene is on the bandage—hand me some strips from the tape!” Brian yelled. I heard terrible ripping noises, as if someone were pulling huge chunks of my flesh from my body. Then a pain like I’d never known tore across my skin as he pressed something hard against my stomach.

Finally, fate showed me a moment of compassion, and I lost consciousness.

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Jamie Mayfield

Three

WHEN I woke, panic enveloped me in the pitch-black room. After panic came the pain. Sharp, bright spots of fire peppered my arms and legs, but my stomach was an inferno. As I squirmed on the bed and tried to find that one sweet spot, that one position that would make the pain lessen even a little, I heard a quiet whimper. My eyes began to adjust to the lack of light, and I looked around. After a moment, I remembered I was in Alex’s new little bedroom at the boardinghouse.

I turned on his bedside light, the Tiffany-style glass lamp he’d stolen from his house as a reminder of his mother. The room filled with faded blue light, and I tried not to move as I scanned for the source of the noise.

“Stop… please don’t hurt him,” Brian’s voice shook as he begged, and my stomach screamed in protest as I leaned over the side of the bed to find him curled up on the floor. He kicked out, and I tried to reach down to shake him awake, but the pain was just too much.

“Brian,” I said firmly over the side, willing him to wake. He whimpered again in his sleep, like a wounded dog. The tension and fear in his face tugged at my heart. I couldn’t just let him stay in that dream.

Too many nights he’d woken frightened and alone because I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t let that happen if I could help it.

“Brian,” I said, louder that time, and looked around for something to prod him with, but there was nothing within reach.

“Goddamn!” I cried as I rolled onto my side and pain lanced through my body. Reaching down, I smacked Brian’s arm once, and sweat beaded my forehead when I fell on my back against the pillow.

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Tears of pain welled in my eyes and then fell unobstructed. But by the grace of God, Brian sat straight up, his head now visible as I lay panting.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” Brian asked as he looked over to see me clutching my stomach and rocking gently back and forth. He sat on the floor, disoriented for several seconds, as his hand rested on my arm.

“You were having a nightmare…,” I panted, “… couldn’t wake you up.” He groaned as he lifted himself off the hard floor where he had been sleeping, and I scooted over the best I could as he climbed in bed with me. He lay on his side with his head on my shoulder. As small as the bed was, he must have been clinging to the edge.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my sweaty forehead.

Pushing the damp hair away, he let his lips rest against my temple.

“Why were you lying on the floor, anyway?” I tried to change the subject from the horrible pain and focus on something else. My breathing still felt labored, and a bead of sweat rolled down my cheek.

“I didn’t want to bother you while you were sleeping, but I couldn’t make myself leave,” he whispered. Running his fingers up and down my arm lightly, he kept touching me, and the feeling of his skin on mine calmed me. “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

I lifted the arm closest to him and wrapped it around his shoulders.

“Wait.” He rolled off the bed quickly, careful not to jostle me, and left the room. For several minutes, I stared at the closed door and wondered where he’d gone. I didn’t hear anything outside the room and felt a little disoriented. In Steven’s apartment, we could usually hear street traffic or noise from the other apartments. I looked over at the bedside clock and saw that it was just past three in the morning. That might also have something to do with the lack of noise.

The door opened, and Brian came in with a mug. After setting it on the side table, he closed the door quietly behind him and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Do you need help sitting up?”

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Jamie Mayfield

I honestly didn’t know if I did or not, but I found scooting up in the bed was easier on my injuries than trying to roll over. Propping myself on the pillows, however, caused some considerable pain.

“I have some more pain pills for you, and Dad wants you to take them with this. It’s just a cup of hot soup,” he explained and handed me the pills. I snatched them out of his hand and dropped them into my mouth, which felt like the Sahara at that moment. My hands trembled when I took the mug of soup, and I spilled a little of the broth on my naked chest in my haste, singeing a few of the hairs there.

“Hey, take it slow,” Brian warned, but I wanted to get the pills down. Pain radiated through my body, and I was desperate to feel that numbness again. The hard, chalk-like pellets finally passed the lump in my throat and slid down into my stomach. With a desperate sigh of relief, I tried to hand the mug back to Brian, but he refused to take it.

“You need to drink all of that.” His voice was firm but kind as he pushed the mug gently back toward my lips. “Dad wants you to drink lots of clear liquids, and then when you’re up to it, start with some soft food.” Brian leaned down and kissed my lips lightly. His whisper was conspiratorial against my ear, and I failed to suppress a shiver.

“If you drink that soup and keep it down, I’ll make you a grilled cheese and some tomato soup later for lunch.”

“I used to love grilled cheese and tomato soup. I don’t think I’ve had it in years.” The sadness I heard in my own confession startled me.

Given what we were all facing, being sentimental over a sandwich was just ridiculous. I took a drink of broth to give myself a reason to shut the hell up.

When I finished with the mug, Brian set it on the table next to the bed and then stood up. Panic swelled in my throat, making it hard to breathe. I grabbed his hand before I could stop myself, and he looked down at me. My heart pounded in my chest, and for a minute, I couldn’t even make myself speak.

“Jamie?”

“Where are you going?” My voice shook, and I know I sounded near tears. I had no explanation for the panic, but deep in my soul, I just
knew
if he walked out that door, I’d never see him again. Steven would Determination

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be out in the hall, or downstairs waiting for Brian. He would take Brian and torture him, pulling his flesh away from his bones with a utility knife. I could almost hear Brian screaming even over the sounds of my ragged breathing.