Determination (3 page)

“Jamie, honey, are you awake?”

My eyes burned as I opened them. The low light coming from behind faded denim curtains allowed me to see the small bedroom where I lay. A dresser sat opposite the bed with that stupid stuffed pink poodle Alex loved so much standing guard on top. Pop art and posters covered the walls—pop art and posters I was used to seeing in Alex’s apartment. I had no idea what was happening. Why was Alex’s stuff scattered around this tiny closet of a bedroom?

“Hi, babe,” Brian said, and I looked down to see that the weight on my chest was his hand. My gaze followed his hand to his arm up to his face. He smiled at me, radiating every bit of the sweetness and love I’d come to expect when he looked at me. I smiled back, the warmth spreading through my chest as my heart started to race.

Then panic hit me like a freight train.

12

Jamie Mayfield

I was in a room full of Alex’s stuff that wasn’t Alex’s bedroom.

Brian was sitting next to me on the bed looking for all the world like nothing was wrong. I had no memory of how I got to wherever I was.

Jesus, they took me. They managed to take me from Steven. Holy
goddamn Christ, he’s going to kill us all.

Brian’s face fell as he watched my changing expressions.

“What the hell did you do, Brian?” I whispered, horrified by what was going to happen to him, to Alex, and to me when Steven found me.

He would find me. I had no illusions about that. I sat up, my head spun, and my face broke out in a cold sweat. A bucket was shoved into my hands, and I dry heaved into it.

“Jamie, it’s okay… you’re safe now,” Brian assured me as he ran a hand lightly up and down my back. I took a few deep breaths. Jesus, Brian had always been a smart guy—how could he be so stupid?

“What the hell did you do?” I yelled, and Brian flinched. He sat staring wide-eyed at me while the panic rose from my chest up into my throat, nearly strangling me. The pain radiating through my body, while almost blinding, took a backseat to the nightmare in front of me. That pain would be nothing compared to what we were all in for when Steven found me.

“I couldn’t leave you with him, Jamie. I couldn’t,” Brian whispered, and the choking sound of his voice left a pain in my chest that had nothing to do with my injuries. I slid over to the edge of the bed and threw my legs over the side. Brian put a hand on my shoulder and tried to stop me from getting up. “You need to rest. Dad said—”

“Oh Christ, your father is here too?” I asked, not bothering to mask my sarcasm. “Anyone else know I’m here? Did you maybe put up a billboard?” He didn’t answer, and I looked up to see that kicked-puppy expression he’d worn at the studio when I’d done my best to stay away from him. It made me even angrier. As I tried to stand up, Brian pulled out a cell phone and typed on it.

“No, my dad assessed your injuries using my webcam and told us to let the
ton
of drugs in your system work their way out before we helped you. He thought the sheer amount of drugs you’d taken might stop your heart, but it didn’t,” he told me in a hollow voice as I finally Determination

13

succeeded in getting to my feet. It felt like my body just didn’t work right. I was tired, hurting, and scared.

“Where are we? Why is all of Alex’s stuff in this room?” I asked, and before he could answer, the door opened. Alex came in, followed by Mike, Emilio, Leo, and two guys I didn’t know. The room was suddenly packed with bodies, and I started to feel claustrophobic. It got hard to breathe, and I sat back down on the bed.

“Jamie, oh hon, we’ve been so worried,” Alex said and climbed onto the bed next to me, pulling me into his arms. He was warm and smelled like fruit and sweat and sunshine. To have him there felt normal, and I could breathe again. Looking into his face reminded me of Steven’s threat.

“He’s going to hurt you, Alex. He’s going to hurt all of them, but you worst of all. How could you let them do this?” I whispered, burying my face in his neck. “I’m not worth it.”

“When he pulled you out after he got into it with Mike, we thought he was going to kill you. We started getting things ready, and when he brought you to the studio and you were so…. Oh God, Jamie, we had to do something,” Alex said, rubbing his hand lightly up and down my back. I sat there, ignoring the rest of the room as I felt his comfort, surrounded by the smell of that fruity bodywash he used, and tried to decide what to do.

“Where are we?”

“We’re at the boardinghouse where Mike lives, and now where I live,” he whispered back. I sat up and searched his face.

“You gave up your apartment to move in here? Where’s the rest of your stuff? It can’t all fit in this tiny room.” My voice shook as I asked. He had given up his life and his freedom to move into a closet, and it was my fault.

“A lot of my stuff is in storage upstairs, and some of it I lent to Brian. He’s been staying in this room while we get things ready. I’ve been staying in Mike’s room. I mean, yes, I gave up my apartment, but I actually like it here, Jamie. I have friends here, and I’m not alone all the time. The rent is cheaper, so Mike and Leo are going to help me set up some investments. I won’t be living from paycheck to paycheck 14

Jamie Mayfield

anymore. The best part is, I get to be here with Mike,” he said and stretched out his hand. Mike took a step forward and held it.

“So, wait, you guys are….” I trailed off, letting him pick up on my meaning.

“We’re seeing where things go. So far, we like where they’re going,” Alex said with a laugh. “And Brian got this cute little apartment for the two of you. You should see it. He even got a big bed that one of Leo’s friends was selling.” Then, a little lower, more seriously, he said, “He’s not going to find you, Jamie.”

I nodded because I didn’t want to disillusion him. Alex had always been an idealist. He always thought the best of people until they proved him wrong. Somehow, they usually did. I’d let him think they’d charged in on their little white horses and saved me, at least for right then, until I decided what to do.

“So, what happens now?” I asked the room at large. Alex looked at Mike, who looked at Leo, who turned to Brian. I followed the exchange and saw that Brian appeared uncomfortable. “What?”

“According to my dad, the drugs would have worked themselves out of your system. We need to give you some pain pills that Leo has and then take care of your injuries.” I couldn’t deny that my body hurt and I needed some antibiotics. A couple of E wouldn’t hurt either, but I doubted I’d get those from Brian.

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” I said and fell back against the pillows next to where Brian sat on the bed.

“My dad said we need to cut the top layer of dead skin off of your burn, Jamie. It’s going to hurt, a lot. That’s why we need the pain pills.

Then we can clean and dress the cuts and maybe put an ice pack on your eye.”

“Oh…,” I replied and closed my eyes. That didn’t sound pleasant at all. No one spoke, and the silence hung heavy in the overfilled room.

Finally, Leo asked Brian where he wanted to set up.

“I think he’ll be more comfortable on the bed—my dad said that was okay. Alex, babe, can you hand me my laptop? I need to get my dad on the webcam.”

My breathing accelerated. It’s not that I really feared pain. God knows I had gotten used to it. Not knowing exactly what was going to Determination

15

happen—that scared me.
What if it hurts worse than I can handle?

What if Brian cuts something he isn’t supposed to? What if I get some
kind of infection? What if Brian finds something
he
can’t handle?
A million other “what if” questions ran through my head as Mike picked up a couple of pharmacy bags from the floor, and the two guys I didn’t know cleared out of the room.

“Em, I’m going to need some towels and washrags,” Brian said as he worked on the computer. “Mike, can you and Alex put the card table up over there and set out that stuff?”

Alex unfolded the legs on the big square table, pushed it back against the wall, and then he and Mike started pulling prescription bottles, gauze, peroxide, and about a dozen other packages out of the bags and setting them on the table in no discernible order.

“Hi, Dad,” Brian said, bringing my attention back to him and to the computer. I saw Richard on the screen.

“Hi, son,” he said with a grim smile, and then he looked at me.

“Jamie, you’re looking better. How do you feel?” Rubbing the back of my neck, I thought about my answer and decided just to tell him the truth.

“I’m hurting, I have a headache, and I’m scared,” I told him as I kept my eyes on the screen to avoid looking at Brian.

“You would be much better off going to a hospital—”

“I can’t go to a hospital. They’d either call Steven or my parents, and I don’t particularly want either of them deciding what happens to me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brian nod.

“Okay, Brian, do you have everything I told you to get?” I heard the heavy disapproving sigh in Richard’s voice, but I refused to go to a hospital. If my parents found out where I was, they would put me back in the center. If Steven found me, he’d do so much worse.

“Yeah, Dad, and Leo has the oxy.”

Great, as if I needed something else to add to my growing addiction. But deep down, I couldn’t wait to feel numb. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and I certainly didn’t want to think anymore. Sick of worrying and feeling scared all the time, I would welcome the oblivion of the drugs just as I always did.

16

Jamie Mayfield

“Let’s start with the smaller cuts and scrapes first; then he won’t have to move once the burn is dressed,” Richard instructed from the small screen. Brian opened a box of latex gloves and put on a pair.

“Jamie, can you lay on your side?” Brian asked, and I tried to roll onto my side so my back faced him, but pain seared through my stomach and back. I flinched and whimpered around the stabbing burn.

“Okay, let’s try something else. Can you sit up for me?” Very carefully, I scooted back over to the edge of the bed, and Emilio helped me sit up.

I was sweating from the pain and the exertion by the time he released me.

My feet rested on something soft and fluffy, so I looked down and saw Alex’s bright purple rug. The light blanket around me was pulled away from my back, and I heard Brian ask for the peroxide. Leo handed me two white pills and a glass of milk. When I asked, he told me the milk would be better on my stomach since I hadn’t eaten in hours. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten but didn’t feel hungry in any case.

I felt pressure on my back, as if Brian held something there, and then the cold rush of peroxide over my skin. The bubbling sting caused me to jerk, but he and Emilio continued to clean the cut. It felt like they were working on the spot where the dinner plate had sliced my back. I couldn’t see, so I didn’t know how big it was, but it had bled like crazy all over the white floor.

“Hand me those butterfly bandages, Em…. Yeah, open them up,”

Brian said, and I tried to hold as still as I could. Leo stood by the door watching, while Mike and Alex sat on the floor next to the bed. It felt…

reassuring to have them all there with me. Being surrounded by people who cared made me relax a bit.

Once the cut was closed, Brian cleaned about half a dozen other spots on my back with the rag and peroxide but didn’t put bandages on them. Richard said they would heal better if he kept them exposed to the open air.

“Okay, Brian, you’re going to have to wash the burn and the surrounding skin with a little soap and water. You need to make sure that the area is as sterile as you can get it,” Richard said, and Alex stood up from where he had been sitting against Mike.

Determination

17

“I’ll get you some soap and water,” he said as he walked over to the dresser and grabbed a turquoise tote with a plastic handle. He pulled out bodywash, tossed it to Mike, and left the room. Brian pushed me back so I reclined on a single pillow, almost flat on the small bed. The cuts on my back were nothing, and I started to get nervous about how bad the procedure would hurt. It was a few minutes before I realized the pain in my body had almost gone. The pills I’d taken were starting to kick in.

Alex came back in carrying two plastic bowls, covered with lids, on a cookie sheet.

“Tea service?” Mike asked, and I could hear the laughter in his voice.

“Shut up. I was afraid I’d spill the water on the stairs,” Alex said with a pout. I felt the tray bump my hip as he set it on the bed. Brian grabbed Alex’s hand before he could move back to his place on the floor.

“Will you sit up there by the head of the bed and talk to him? We need for him to stay calm while I do this,” Brian whispered, but his voice was loud enough that I could still hear him. It never failed to amaze me how Brian always put others first, no matter what he had to do.

“Brian?” I asked, my head starting to feel a little fuzzy from the oxy.

“Yeah, babe?” His hands were gentle as he began to wash my stomach. The tropical scent of Alex’s bodywash made me smile. Brian smiled back.

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you.”
I love you, and it will kill me if he
hurts you. You are everything to me.

“It’s okay,” he said with a shrug. I think he was trying to sound casual, but the tension in his face and his posture told a different story.

It occurred to me that he didn’t want to argue about anything while he was trying to keep me calm enough to take care of the burn. So, rather than trying to press the issue any further, I simply thanked him for taking care of me.

18

Jamie Mayfield

He tossed the soapy rag back into the first bowl and picked up a clean rag from the pile Emilio had brought.

“I will always be here to take care of you,” he whispered and kissed my forehead. Using slow strokes, he started to rinse the soap off my skin, and I felt a warm glow deep inside me that had nothing to do with the drugs. Alex moved a small collapsible chair next to the bed and sat down. The chair looked like the kind we used to use when we went camping.