Colour Series Box Set (44 page)

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THIS TIME I
know I am dead, I know because I’m sitting next to my bleeding body as I watch the devil walk away into the darkness. His big frame outlined in the moonlight as I can see his demons are finally gone, killing me has brought him to life. I know he won’t come back for them this was always about me. I’m not ready to go yet, I leave myself outside and go and sit by my baby girl, the noise has woken her and I can do nothing to ease her cries except hope that Rowan returns soon.

Avery has been crying for hours when I hear Rowan return home. I leave her and wait for him by my body. I may be dead but I still feel and I feel his heart shatter into a million pieces as his body hits the floor next to mine. I hear his sobs and screams piercing my soul. He clings to my bleeding body and begs God to bring me back, I need him to let me go and go to Avery. She needs him now, he’s all she has.

After a long while of crying and begging God, he finally registers her screams. He finally hears that she is still here and she needs him. I hear his whisper to me, “I love you; I can’t just let you go.” But he does he leaves me and goes to his little girl. Her screams stop when he picks her up in his arms and holds her to his chest. He holds her to his broken heart until she sleeps again. When she does, he phones Robin and he tries Callum what seems to be a hundred times.
Oh Callum where are you?
He needs you so much right now. I still can’t bring myself to go. I know I’ll have to go, but I’m not ready yet.

So I just wait. I watch them all cry for me I listen to him yell and scream relentless curses. I watch him smash things and drown out the hurt with his scotch straight from the bottle. I can see the storm in his eyes and my heart breaks.

Robin hands him my letter as he walks through the door. I cannot watch him read it so I go and sit with Amya and Avery in the nursery. My friend cries for me as she feeds my little girl. Her tears are silent I know she is trying not to upset the baby with her heart ache. She’s sad and angry and cannot understand why I didn’t try to stop this. I had to keep them safe and this was the only way I could do that.

My Dearest Rowan,

I know your heart is broken. That this has broken you in every way. I chose not to tell you because I knew that it would happen no matter what, but if you knew and tried to stop him Avery would lose us both. She needs you so much, and will need you every single day of her life.

Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for killing the shell of a person I was. Thank you for loving me when you believed you could not love at all. Thank you for your heart that I know you only ever gave to me. Thank you for the darkness that completes you so perfectly and for letting me love even that part of you.

Rowan, I loved you, I still love you and I will love you from where ever I am now. I love the naughty smile that tugs on the corner of your mouth. I love that your eyes speak to me when your voice can’t. I love that you made me feel. I love the way your hands could ignite a flame under my skin with a single touch. I love the whisper in your voice when you talk to me in my sleep. I love that you loved me even though I was broken beyond repair. I love that you loved my monster too. I love you Rowan.

Thank you most of all, for our beautiful daughter. Nothing in this life could have made me happier than meeting her. She’s the best gift I ever got, and now I’m giving all of her to you. Love her Rowan. Love her with all you have. Teach her who she is; make her fierce and strong and beautiful. Please don’t let her ever think I didn’t love her. Talk about me, I want her to know who I was. All of me Rowan not just the pretty pieces. Most of all, show her who you are, because Rowan you are someone so strong and so amazing, you will be her hero always. Every daddy is his little girl’s king.

Don’t forget me Rowan because I’m not gone I live in your heart and you can talk to me any time you need to. Please don’t stop being you, don’t let this define you, don’t ever let him win. He took everything from me don’t let him take a single moment from you. He’s gone now I know he will leave you and Avery alone. I’m asking you to ignore the need for revenge tugging at your soul and let this be. Leave him; he will pay for his sins in time. Not by your hand Rowan.

I will love you always, you coloured my ugly and made me whole. Don’t stop living Rowan.

Goodbye My Monster, I will never stop loving you

Lauri xxxx

I’m too broken to cry, or fight or feel anything. I fucking hate feelings so much and now I have none left at all. I’m just empty. I can’t even go into the room where Avery is. Robin has made all the arrangements for me, we know some people who will do things quietly without letting the authorities know what really happened. I should never have gone to work if I was here I could have saved her.

She asked me once when she first came here, “who will pay for your sins Rowan?” I’m paying; I’m fucking paying for every single number I wear with her soul I am fucking paying and its killing me. I need to get out of here. I need to breath or run or something. I leave and walk. I walk out into the vineyards and I stop walking when I get to the old farm graveyard. I sit under tree and cry again. I’ve paid the worst price for my sins. I paid with the love of my life.

AVERY IS ONE MONTH
old today; she’s sleeping in my arms as we lay her mommy to rest in the small graveyard on the estate. This was always home to Lauri, it’s only right that she rest here forever. I still feel her in my sleep and everywhere I go. I don’t think I will ever be ready to let her go completely. There’s only our little family here, and the Catholic priest who owed Robin a favour, I didn’t ask details but I wanted a priest to give her the last rights and bury her the right way.

I can’t say how I feel yet. I’m numb and the only time I’m not numb completely is when I have Avery in my arms. I couldn’t hold her for the first few days after I came home to find Lauri dead. I just couldn’t do anything in those days. Her letter cut my cold heart right out of me. She knew. She knew and didn’t tell me. That hurt me so deeply that the wound will never heal. The pain I used to have seek out lives in me now, it lives where Lauri used to in my heart.

When Robin gave me stack of letters addressed to Avery a few days later the hurt became unbearable and I snapped. I wanted to kill him for keeping her secret, I hated and loved him for what he had done and more than anything. I needed him to keep me from falling apart completely.

Amya has cared for my little girl non-stop since that night and I realized that I had my chance to come unglued but now, now I needed to be her dad.

I needed to step up and do what Lauri had asked me to do. I needed to love my daughter.

And by God do I love this tiny little girl. Today is bittersweet as we stand here and say goodbye to Lauri, I can’t imagine a life without her in it yet I know she wants me to go on living. I am afraid that it may be too much to ask of me.

I want to go after Renzo with every fibre of my being but I can’t bring myself to betray her wishes. She understood the why of him, I never did. All I saw was the devil that stole her from me. Twice. I can’t wait for the day when he meets his punishment for what he did to her. I only hope I get to know when it comes.

I’ve asked Rob and Amya to move out here and stay with us for a while. I’m afraid to be all alone with Avery and I know I’ll have to work. There’s no way I can live without her and not do it. If I couldn’t let it go for her I will never be able too. I also don’t trust a nanny; I just don’t trust anyone right now. I shut the café down almost right away I don’t want anyone on the estate that isn’t family or staff. I just don’t trust that we will ever be truly safe.

The sun is shining hot on us as we walk out of the small stone walled cemetery and back up to the house. My little girl starts to stir and opens her sweet little eyes at me. I see so much in those two tiny eyes, but mostly I see Lauri. I see the love she taught me to feel.

I’m going to do my best to be the dad she deserves. But I promised her mother she would know who we are and that she would be fierce.

Robin puts his arm around my shoulder. It’s the most physical affection I have ever seen this giant of man show to anyone. It comforts me to know that they are here now, they loved her too.

Amya has been very quiet and I think she’s hurting as much as me. She’s lost so much in her life; she understands what it’s like to be born into this darkness and have to look for little rays of light when you can. She’s missing Callum as much as me too; we’ve tried everything to contact him but all our efforts have failed. Amya even tried to get Neil to tell her where he is and he simply said that Callum was gone and that if she knew where he was she better tell him. Our little family may be broken and ugly but we have each other to hold onto for a little while. Nothing lasts forever.