Colour Series Box Set (20 page)

I decide it’s time to tell her who he is, I don’t need to say I word my eyes tell my friend exactly what he has to do. I nod my head as I eat the rest of the sweet creation on my plate.

“Lauri, before we make any more plans I need to tell you a few things.”

“Callum? Sure whatever, nothing could possibly shock me anymore. I am, after all, actually dead. Living with a murderer in my old home.” Her voice is a little sarcastic I think she is getting her defences up sensing she may not like what Callum has to say and trying to protect herself from what she is afraid of.

“Alright, here goes. I’m not just Rowan’s friend. I’m your cousin. Mick was my uncle. The situation with my family is complicated and I don’t want to go into it but I wanted you to know you do have family. Well you have me if I count?” He sounds awkward,foolish and utterly not Callum at all. Lauri shakes her head a little before she answers him.

“You’re not lying. You have Gran’s eyes. I saw it right away. It was like like I saw a ghost in your eyes. Thank you for telling me. I haven’t had a family since my Dad died. I thought getting married would start my own family but, that plan went to shit rather fast.” Lauri answers him and her tone seems to be sincere. I think she is relieved that she isn’t all alone in the world. The two of them may actually get on once the awkwardness was over.

This might be really good for her and Callum, he could use a dose of reality check and she will give it to him in spades I think. I feel like we might be her family right here, Callum has always been a brother to me and now he has a cousin. At least he can’t make eyes at or kiss her. The thought makes me smile. Callum hands Lauri a manila envelope I presume it contains her ID and documents. She looks very confused. Callum explains that there are identity documents, drivers licence, and passport so if she wants to flee the country to escape me, she can. I don’t think Callum believes that I can share my space with anyone, I also get the feeling that he is worried she might be scared of me and want to run away. He also explains that the money I moved and her Spillane trust has been merged into one account and that the details, cash cards and a contact for a financial advisor are all inside. I am surprised he got it all done in a day. He has redeemed himself a little. Only a little.

My phone alerts me to an email. I will have to work tonight I guess. Callum’s eyes snap to mine he knows what that tone indicates. I know that this little bubble of real life with no cold-blooded business to deal with is over. Callum thanks Lauri for dinner and makes his excuses so that he can make a swift exit and I can get to work.

I help Lauri clear the table and pack the dishwasher. I have to get a new maid, I fucking suck at housework and I’m already running out of clean clothes. I need to broach the topic of work with her again and I know she’s not going to be happy.

“Lauri, I have to work tonight. I probably won’t be back before tomorrow evening. I know you don’t want to know but I can’t just walk out without saying anything at all.” I try to sound as warm and fuzzy as I can about telling her I am about to go and kill a man in his sleep and then burn his business down. I keep packing the dishes waiting for the explosion that is bound to follow.

“It’s fine. If you have to work, you have to work but let’s just decide right now, I’m not your child Rowan. I’m a grown woman. You don’t have to tell me where you are or what you’re doing. I don’t need or want to know. So if you really need to share your shit with me, then just say you’re needed at the office. I wanted to go shopping tomorrow anyway. I’m a little tired of the clothes you chose. No offence but they’re not the best selection.” The scathing tone of her voice is intended to make sure every word is a stab at me. I figured she would comment about the clothes eventually she has hardly worn any of them, I didn’t realize I was buying for a lady who kept herself completely covered up all the time. I smirk and nod at her, not letting her know that her words wound me when she is so intentionally nasty.

“Fine, we are roommates then I won’t treat you like you’re a child but we can at least be friendly about it. I will arrange a new maid today as well. I hate housework and you’re not a slave here.” I hate watching her clean up my home.

I turn away and go to my office my mind won’t focus as I pack my work bag and leave through the office door. I could have done with some sleep after last night my eyes burn from being awake too long and the nap this afternoon was cancelled out by the shock awakening I got, but sleep will have to wait. I throw my bag in the boot of my car. Her sleek red one parked next to mine makes me smile a little both inside and out. She’s a breath of fresh air in my life and I can’t help but think it’s going to mean trouble for me in all kinds of ways. I am already feeling things I shouldn’t feel, I should not feel at all, life was so easy when I didn’t.

Before I leave, I send the estate manager an email from my phone, for her to hire a maid for the main house ASAP. Before I have to work in my undies, no one will take a killer seriously in his Calvin Klein’s.

I drive into the dark of the night and all I can think of is the beautiful woman I have left in my kitchen. I really should be concentrating on the job, it’s been in the works for months just waiting for the call to come and give me the go ahead to do it. My brain cannot focus on anything but her since she arrived at my home in the middle of night drugged and at my mercy.

She’s undone all the years of conditioning to make me an unfeeling monster, with one fucking look she has crushed my walls and defences and she has forced her way into my world. A world she has no place in, but I cannot let her leave.

I’m going to go and kill a man now and while I do, all I can think of is her. I want her, I want what I know I can’t have and it’s going to be the end of me I just know it.

I need to find a way to keep her out of my head.

IT’S BEEN SIX
months since I died. Six months of finally living every single day like it’s the last one. Yesterday was my last day of sitting for Robin to finish covering my scars with his beautiful ink. He called me his colouring project in the end. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to with all my extra time now that he is done, I’m also not sure he’s done. I absolutely adore the artwork he has woven into my skin and I’m pretty sure even though my scars are gone that I will want more. The pain of the needle on my skin has been my therapy over these months erasing the pain put there by Renzo and replacing it with a pain that is my own. It’s my pain and I own it. His wife Amya has become my friend, a genuine friend that I can simply be a girl with. We drink wine, shop and laugh together as often as we can. She has taught me to embrace my newly coloured body and exactly how to flaunt it. She has this wild rockabilly style that I love, but can’t pull off so she has helped me create my own sort of laid back version of it and I love it. She is trying to convince me to get some piercings, of which she has more than I actually cared to know about but I’m not sure I like the idea of being pierced. I’m not saying no just maybe not right now.

I’ve learned over the last six months, that just because I was breathing before it didn’t mean I was alive. My life as a wife was not living it was dying. I died a little every day for eight years and now I plan to make up for it every second. Rowan and I seem to co-exist rather well. I fired his maid after a day and just took over managing the house myself. She was creepy and I liked my time at home to be my time and not worry about some person invading my space. I cook every day and it’s my passion now even more than the day I left culinary school. We have Callum over for dinner often as it seems my cousin is either malnourished or in love with my food. He and I have become close and it is a comfort to have family even if he is a criminal, underneath that he cares for me like only family can. Although I don’t trust him, something in his eyes makes be believe that there is more than what we see and I’m afraid of it. I wish he would cut his hair though, really it is awful. Both Cal and Rowan bug me often to show them more of my tattoo but I just can’t. I am not ready to share it with the world yet. I found out a few weeks ago that Callum had seen pictures of my scars. I was mortified and cancelled a few of our get togethers, Rowan hadn’t known how to explain to him why I wasn’t leaving and Callum had been concerned. He actually asked me if I wanted to see his therapist. I’m not sure what made me laugh harder the thought of him talking to a therapist or that he thinks I need one. He said I have Stockholm syndrome that no one actually would choose to live with Rowan. My demons will stay right where they belong, buried alive in my soul.

My little pseudo family of me, Rowan and Callum has truly made me feel like I’m real. I haven’t had a panic attack in a few months and I seem to be getting over my irrational fear of people and feelings. Some other fears however we just don’t get past. I am still terrified of physical contact, intimacy and sex most of all sex. I cannot even watch sex in a movie on the telly without wanting to die. I’ve also realised that I have a deep-seeded fear of babies I nearly passed out standing in line at our local deli behind a mum and a crying baby. I, in fact dumped my shopping and left. That wound is too raw and since it is the one pain I haven’t shared with anyone it’s mine to deal with all alone. Seeing a baby just reminded me of the ones I lost. No, not lost they were stolen from me. Murdered and I still feel the pain of their deaths deep in my heart. My childhood dreams of a husband and kids were shattered and I don’t think I will ever want those things again. The image is tainted by the brutality of my reality. In all honesty I question whether or not love even exists. I think maybe that it’s just a picture and up close it’s as ugly as anything else in our lives. I see things through new eyes now, mostly I see that there is a whole world of evil out there and no one really cares. I am starting to embrace it myself and wonder if in fact anyone is truly good. I know that the thoughts the fly through my head every day make me a little more monster and a little less human all the time.

Rowan still works all the time and my feelings about it have become ambiguous I feel my suffering for what my father did and cannot help but wonder if what Renzo said about the sins of the fathers being paid for by the ones they love will be true for him. The truth is I have never seen him like anything or anyone never mind love so maybe it will end with him. There’s no one close enough to Rowan to hurt for him. I sometimes wonder to myself how it would feel to take a life and my feelings of wanting to spare Renzo are being replaced with revenge everyday a little more. I want him to die. I find myself wanting to inflict pain on him, hurt him and make him pay for what he has made me. I made Rowan promise he wouldn’t kill him unless I asked him to, so for now he lives believing I’m dead and I heard he has a pretty new fiancé now. I’m sure she’s in for a rude awakening. I almost feel guilty. Almost. I feel I might be becoming a bad person like my father, like Rowan and even Callum’s a bad man. In fact, I think Callum may be a true villain. The kind you read about in books. He just keeps it very well hidden. I have feelings now, I am no longer numb as I was before but I am worried the feelings I have now are not the ones I should have. I wonder if there isn’t a little more ugly in my soul than I want to believe. I' am after all born into a family of murder and blood and all the ugly things no one wants to see.

Tonight I’m cooking a dinner to celebrate the completion of my tattoo. I’ve invited Robin and Amya to join the three of us and I’m really looking forward to it. Yesterday I had lunch with Amya and she said that they had never been to the estate Rowan was somewhat a hermit apparently. You could have fooled me, I have seen the trail of women that get brought home and then removed in the middle of the night by a driver in suit waiting outside my window. I have also had to hear his wild, loud and somewhat distasteful sexcapades through the wall that separates our rooms. I have turned his own tactic against him and simply turn the music so loud I don’t hear them. I have caught a glimpse of a few scorned faces as they get sent packing after being used and I’m pretty sure by the sounds of it abused. I am in no way surprised, good Lord Rowan is something to look at and he would turn any warm blooded woman’s head. He even gets the little teenager’s heads turning his way. His dark hair brooding blue eyes and body that couldn’t get any harder if he tried, combined with those tattoos and there is no way you cannot look. Heaven forbid he actually open his mouth and that gravely sexy Irish voice comes out any one would melt. I do, yes you heard me, and I often catch myself staring at him. I’ve gotten better at not getting caught by him but I still look. I have had a strange pang of jealous rage pulse through me few times when I saw or heard him with another woman. I quickly reminded myself that I may live here but Rowan doesn’t belong to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he will never belong to anyone, he uses them and send them away never the same lady twice. It’s better that way. No one will pay for the life he’s chosen, no one gets close enough to be worth hurting. He safeguards them that way. Besides who could love a murderer? He’s never going to change who or what he is.