Colour Series Box Set (42 page)

Damn that fucking shirt to hell, I don’t know if I can make home, I can barely focus on driving with her hand down my pants. Yes she has her hand down my pants and she is doing fucking amazing things to my cock with it. I’m almost ready to come in my pants by the time we turn onto the estate road. As I close the garage doors behind us and she turns to me a wicked smile on her face and the look in her eyes is pure lust. She wants me as much as I want her. As I open her door she pounces and I mean pounces on me, I grab hold of her as she starts to kiss me, her hands in my hair and her legs around my waist. I don’t even notice the baby between us, my hands grab her ass and I carry her inside to my desk. I rest her ass on my desk and I start kiss down her neck and throat I grab her boobs through the lace of her shirt and they feel so good. I love how big they’ve gotten; they tease me every time I see them. Her hands, goddamn, her hands are in my pants again and I know this is not going to be long and drawn out, she wants me to fuck her and she wants me to hurry the hell up. I pull her shirt over her head in one sharp tug and her black bra is right there in my face. A loud moan escapes her lips as I pinch her nipples through the satin. She shoves me back hard and pulls at the zip of my jeans. I help her out by shoving them down to the floor and stepping out of them. She’s already working hers down her thighs when I look up again. I spin her around so her elbows are resting on my desk, things flying to floor over the other edge as I grab hold of her ass and thrust into her hard and with a need that I can’t explain. She may have got what she needed tonight but I certainly didn’t and my monster wants to play. The hummingbirds that dance down her spine are right under my eyes and her body is writhing and pushing against mine. Forcing me deeper with every thrust she feels so fucking good as she tightens around me I know she is about come apart and it’s all I can do to control myself. I need her, all of her.
Fuck she is amazing
. Before I can think about it I can feel myself let go with one hard thrust and she is there with me falling over the edge of place that we can only go together. I can only get this from her; this feeling is all hers and it’s fucking amazing.

I carry her spent body to the shower, she still had blood spattered on her face and it’s so sexy I get hard all over again. She’s exhausted and I wash her as she stands under the water, steam blurring the air around us so all I can see is the colours, no ugly, and no darkness just the colours painted on her body.

It’s late when we slide into bed next to each other. She has her head on my chest resting right on the heart tattoo. Her long dark hair draped over me and her face. “Thank you Rowan.” She says softly, her hand moving in circles across my skin. I just pull her closer I know what she needs and right now it’s this closeness and a good night’s sleep.

I wake to her screams, I lean over to hold her and get her through another nightmare only she is not there. That wakes me completely and I fly out of bed. “Lauri, where are you, what’s wrong.” All I get is another scream. Something is wrong. Where is she? Fuck! I bolt out of bed and turn on the light, she isn’t in our room or the bathroom. I feel the panic rising in me as I fling the bedroom door open. The scream is louder now, and I find her collapsed on the floor in the nursery next door to our bedroom. She is clutching her stomach in the foetal position and her screams could wake the dead. I dive down beside her, she isn’t dreaming, this isn’t a nightmare - she is awake. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I don’t know what to do I try to hold her and she screams louder. After that she catches enough breath to seethe at me “Now Rowan, hospital. Baby, now.”

You have to be fucking shitting me, it’s too early, and it’s not for four weeks. I’m frozen on the floor for a long moment before I realize I need to get myself together. I stand up and scoop her in my arms, fuck the baby bag and all that shit, I will send Robin for it later we just need to go. I manage to put her into the car with little effort but she screams like a banshee every few minutes. My heart’s pounding so hard I fear it may stop, my palms sweat so hard that they slip on my steering wheel and I can feel the film of nervous sweat over my whole body. This can’t be happening right now. “Please God, I know I’m a monster but keep her and my baby safe.” I realize that she hasn’t screamed in few minutes and when I stop praying I look over and I see she has lost consciousness. There is a large blood stain on her sweat pants. I reach over and feel if she is breathing, her breaths are shallow but they are there. Fuck, it takes twenty minutes to reach the hospital in Stellenbosch which is the closest to the estate. I park in an ambulance bay I will pay the fucking fine they can tow my car. I don’t care a shit.

Once we get inside, it’s a blur of doctors, nurses, blood shouting, panic and the smell of bleach. I’m not allowed in theatre like our doctor promised and I’m shoved aside against a wall when they storm past with my little Avery in an incubator. I want to see Lauri make sure she is safe, but her words ring in my ears and I charge after the baby and up to the NICU. My brain is still stuck on this can’t be happening when a nurse stands in front of me and demands, “Take your shirt off.” What the fuck? My face must reflect exactly what I’m thinking because she quickly talks again. “Your baby needs skin to skin contact and mommy is still in theatre - take off your shirt.” Like a robot I do, I hear her suck in breath at the sight of my tattoos. She shoves me into a chair and places my little angel on my chest right over the heart that showcases my sins. It’s like her little body covers it, takes it away. It melts. All the ugly melts with her there on my chest. I cry. I just sob silently at this little person resting on me. She’s early but she will be fine, she is strong, just like her mommy. She will spend a few days in here until her lungs are ready to do what they need to on their own but she will be fine. I’m afraid to ask the nurse about Lauri, but I have to know I feel as if something is missing from me, she should be here.

“She’s alright, as soon as she’s awake, they’ll bring her up here, you can go to her if you want and wait for her to wake up.” And have her kill me as soon as she does, I think not. I shake my head at her. I’ll stay with the baby, I feel the relief flood over me, both of my girls are just fine. I could stay like this forever.

The bright pink of Avery’s skin covering the ugliest part of me is the most precious thing I will ever see. Mick was right all those years. There’s nothing on earth like this feeling; nothing could fill my heart like she has. Her skin is wrinkled and soft, every little finger is perfect as they bunch into tiny fists, perfect, my perfect baby. I close my eyes and doze off with this little angel on my chest.

THE DAY AFTER
Rowan learned the sex of our baby I got a letter from Renzo. A different note this time. Bone chilling and bittersweet, I could breathe but only for a little while.

Little One,

A baby. Really you are going to have a baby with that murderer? He’s just like your father. I want no part of your monster child so I’ll leave you to have his baby for now. I hope it ends up just like you, paying for the things he does. Enjoy this time Little One, once that filthy fucking child is born, I’ll come to take what is mine. I will come to kill you. I need this to end and it ends with you. I was happy while you were dead; I need to be happy again.

Renzo

I take the letter to Robin that afternoon and ask him to add seven numbers to my heart. I have been out with Rowan to work a few times now and I have extinguished more souls. Lives that I have taken and I loved every second of doing so. Robin reads the letter and sinks into his chair I see what I am afraid is a tear in his eye. “Losing you will break him forever Lauri, we need to tell him, we have to stop this from happening. This. Will. Kill. Him.” His words rip my heart open. I know it will but if he kills me it’s over he said so, I would gladly die to keep Rowan and our child alive and Robin understands that deep down I know he wishes every day that they would have killed him and not their little boy. “Promise me you will help him Robin. Callum is gone and you two are all we have. I need to know that he won’t be doing this alone. I need you to promise me.” I know what I am asking is a lot from them but Robin is the closest thing to a family that Rowan has and Amya is his only connection to Callum, the only brother he ever had. He will need them. Avery will need them. I hand him a pile of envelopes that are filled with a different kind of letter, I wrote to Rowan and Avery, if Renzo kills me and I know he will I want them to read these.

“It’s a little girl you know Rob,” I break the awkward silence between us. “I know, and she will be family to Amya and I, just as you and Rowan are.” I needed to hear that from him. “I have to tell her about this now Lauri, I can’t keep secrets from my wife. This is too much to ask.” I’m surprised he hasn’t already told Amya in all honesty. I know that he tells her everything. He even told her about my numbers. She was sad but understood. I nod, I knew he would tell her and I know she will be pissed.

After I leave Robin, I put the note out of my head and I decide to just let it be, no past, no future - just right now. All I have is right now. I need to be the best I can for our baby right now I need to keep her healthy and inside me as long as I possibly can.

My doctor has decided on a C-section in four weeks from now. I really wanted to do this naturally, that way I could hold until the absolute last second. Having a date and time when Avery will be born means having a deadline on how long I get to be safe and with the people I love. It scares me, I feel out of control. I feel powerless and that fuels something in me that I now know how to release. I’m not so sure Rowan will let me work with him so late in the pregnancy but I’m going to ask. That and I am going to tie him up and rape him if he doesn’t get himself in the mood soon. He was very honest with me as soon as I really started to show that it was very uncomfortable for him and simply didn’t do it for him. I understand, not every guy is one that thinks pregnant ladies are sexy. I certainly don’t feel sexy I feel, fat and ugly to be honest. That doesn’t mean I don’t still want sex, in fact I want it more than ever.

I had to do a double take when Rowan simply agreed to me working with him tonight. I was ready to argue, pout, stamp my feet even, but he just said yes. I think he understands that I need it, the way I know when he needs to let the darkness out. I feel it ooze out of him, it consumes him and the only way to calm that storm is to watch the life drain from the eyes of another. I can’t explain to someone who hasn’t killed what that feeling does, it calms
you, energizes you, releases you and fills the void all at once. It’s a need that cannot be explained and cannot be stopped either.

It was easy to kill her once I heard what she had done. No one has the right to make that choice for another, no one ever. She deserved to die, and I enjoyed killing her. Rowan enjoyed watching me kill her I could tell when I stuck my hand down his pants on the way home while he undressed me with his eyes. I could feel him eye fucking me as I emptied my gun into her. His eyes are dark and I can tell that he needs me tonight. Baby or no baby we will be having dirty animal sex, I don’t want to wait to get home but there is no way we can make it work in the car right now, I am fucking huge.

Rowan fucked me over his desk; it was everything we both needed. I felt in control again, I felt his love, his demons and his chaos in the way he took my body right there and I gave it to him. I have become a bad person, I think I always was, but now have been set free to be truly myself. The colours on my skin took away Renzo’s ugly but I have an ugly all my own in me now and I have never felt so free, so at ease with who I am and so eager for the future. Something happens when you become a murderer, you learn that we all have an exact number of days to live, that life is cheap and we are all expendable. I know that my time is limited, that doesn’t make me want to live less just more.

I wake up in agony and get up to go to the toilet, I realize immediately that I’m not just in pain, I’m having contractions. This is it; my time is up right now my baby girl is coming. I scream from the pain, something is wrong, something is wrong. I keep screaming hoping to wake Rowan I’ve made it into the nursery I need my bag. The pain is ripping through me, I’m not scared of pain, but this is something else this feels like it might kill me. It’s the fear of losing my little girl.