Colour Series Box Set (27 page)

“He would get her pregnant then her let her fall in love with her baby, then he brought in a doctor and made her watch as they performed an abortion. Not just once Callum, but six times. He did that six times. The last time she was too far along for a regular abortion so she actually had to deliver her dead baby. Then he would lock her in a walk in safe for days and beat her before he let her go. I’m not sure what kind of a monster he is Callum but I am having a very hard time keeping my promise not to kill him right now.” I feel the bile rising in my throat as I retell the story she poured out to me last night. For some reason children are sacred to me, I’ll never kill kids or pregnant ladies. It’s just not right, I’m not that cold.

Callum is pale when I look around; I have only ever seen him with that look twice in my life, the day he killed someone and the day Cassie died. He doesn’t think I know, but I know that he loved Cassie, that he was crazy jealous of her love for me. Her family would’ve loved for it to be him with their daughter; I was from the wrong crime family, the dead one. He doesn’t say a word just shakes his head and pours more scotch. “Lorenzo Baldini needs to have an accident Rowan.” It’s very clear that Lorenzo Baldini needs to die but I swore I wouldn’t kill him.

I AM LYING ON
my side looking out my bedroom window over the vineyards, it’s autumn and the leaves in the valley are changing colour oranges and yellows burn brightly in the sunlight. Rowan is lying behind me. I have come to love this quiet time every morning over the last two months. Our lives have become hectic with the opening of my restaurant only a week away and our new found need to be with each other every second that we can. I cannot begin to put my feelings into words yet but I know that my heart has not lead me wrong. Without a doubt, Rowan is the one man I love and even though my head has a hard time reconciling the lover and the murderer, my heart has no such problem. There’s the undeniable physical pull between us, I used to have a crippling fear of being touched and before the fingers that are now tracing a line down my side softly inching over my exposed skin would have caused a panic attack. Rowan’s touch however ignites a flame in me; I see the flame in his eyes too. I am convinced what I feel is lust but I have never felt it before and I am not sure what to do with it. The sexual tension between us is so strong you could touch it. I want so desperately to let Rowan show me how to be loved and to love him physically but that fear, that fear is still all too real. I know I need to have a sex talk with someone, and soon, but it is a little hard to explain in your thirties that all you know about sex is the contents of a few smutty books you have read and the years of rape at the hand of your husband. Rowan reaches his arm around me and pulls me closer so he can slip a hand under my tank top and kiss my neck and ear. I feel the goose bumps spread over my body and I shudder. It’s not a scared shudder anymore, it’s more of an 'I really like that' shudder and I wiggle back against his chest trying to get even closer. His body feels warm and safe and god oh so fucking sexy.

I roll in his arms so I can run my hands up his chest, the ridges of every muscle under my hands how can he feel so hard and so soft at the same time? I kiss him right at the spot on his breastbone where the number heart starts and he groans at my touch I can feel it rumble in his chest under my lips. I like that my lips have the power to illicit such a reaction from him among the other reactions I have noticed. The poor man has an almost permanent hard on these days. Sometimes I want to touch it; I almost have a few times but fear of where that touch might lead stops me every time. I nuzzle my face into his neck and his morning stubble scratches my skin sending tingles all over. I plant soft kisses in his neck before I pull his mouth to mine, this time it’s my moan that can be both felt and heard. Rowan’s hand brush over my tank top and brush against my breasts, I know he is trying to control his touches and when things get heated, I feel him wind up tighter than a spring. This morning I’m ready to start letting go a little and I take my hand from where it rests in his hair and I move it to his hand guiding it under my shirt and to my breasts. I look up to see his eyes shoot open and his confusion is written all over them before he can get the strangled whisper out. “Are you sure? Is this okay?” I just nod and pull him to kiss me again his hands are now moving over my skin and I need the kiss to keep the calm. I feel his hands, warm and a little rough as they move over the lumps and ridges of the scars that lie beneath the pictures. I know he has seen me without my clothes but still the feeling of his hands on such an intimate part of my skin has me trembling and fighting to breath. As he brushes a thumb over my nipple, I gasp into his mouth and he pulls away and just stares into my eyes, continuing his slow exploration of my body. He needs to look into my eyes to be sure that I am letting him do this to me, that I don’t want him to stop his blue eyes are cloudy with lust. My breasts have never been touched in a way that didn’t hurt and the feelings coursing through me are amazing my blood is burning in my veins and I somehow want more but I want it to stop. I can’t bear it. Rowan can sense I’m growing tense and he uses every bit of self-control he has to stop. I close my eyes releasing a breath I was holding so long that my lungs were on fire, and he tips my chin up so he can kiss me again. I feel like every inch of me is on fire and I want to stay in this moment as long as we can.

Rowan just holds me close. His patience and self-control have amazed me once again he never pushes me further than I can handle. I’m certain he has to take care of himself in the shower every morning, but never once has he even hinted that it bothers him. It’s however starting to bother me and I wonder if he really will wait forever or if he’ll just go back to finding pleasure in random women. I’m no fool. I know he was a man whoring slut; I witnessed many of those poor ladies being sent packing in the middle of the night. I had heard every one of the sexcapades that unfolded in his bedroom.

He tells me I am beautiful and that he will wait forever for me, but I have no idea where the beauty he sees is? The only beautiful things about me are the pictures painted on my skin and they just cover up the ugly that’s still underneath. He tries to reassure me constantly that he is not looking for another woman, that it will only ever be me, but my low opinion of myself has me doubting that is the truth.

My phone vibrates with my morning alarm on the table next to the bed and I get up and get ready for the day, all the furniture for the restaurant is arriving today and I want to be down there when it gets there. I have been working almost nonstop on the menu and testing each dish until it’s perfected. The grand opening has been advertised for one weeks time to coincide with the release of this year’s wines and I am beyond excited. I give Rowan one last kisses before I roll out of bed. I know he won’t be up for a while he only came home in the wee hours of the morning. I know he was out working but we don’t discuss it, he tries to keep his work from me by never sharing anything about it other than when he’ll be away from home. He grabs my wrist as I stand up and pulls me so I tumble on top of him before he kisses me with all the pent up passion he is holding in. Hmm it feels so good I have a difficult time pulling away from him to go get dressed. “Hmm, sleep Rowan. I’ll see you later when you up come find me down at the barn. I love you.” I speak into his neck before heading to the bathroom to pull myself together for the day.

I pull on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a pretty red tank top with navy lace on the edges with a pair of patent ballet flats and pull my still wet hair up into a messy bun on top of my head and add a cute headband to keep it from flying in my face all day. I grab a light cashmere cardigan just in-case it’s still fresh out. Our weather is so mild that we don’t really need warm clothing even in the winter months but the mornings and evenings can get cold. I walk the kilometre down the drive to the commercial side of the estate rather than driving today the fresh air gives me a chance to clear my head and day dream about the intimate moment Rowan and I shared this morning. I can feel my skin tingling where he touched me and my cheeks grow warm just thinking about it. Rowan has the power to control both my mind and my body even when he is not with me.

It’s obviously still written on my face when I enter the barn to find Amya holding two cups of coffee from my brand new coffee machine. Her smile is so welcome right now; she has helped me with all the decor and design aspects of the whole project. I should’ve known she’d be here to supervise the delivery of the especially picked out picnic style tables and chairs. She’s almost as excited about the opening as I am.

“So is that a ‘
I just got lucky this morning’
blush on your face?” she asks not caring who is listening and I blush even brighter red I can feel the heart creeping up my neck and over my face. Amya doesn’t know about my sex issues. In fact I think Rowan and Callum are the only ones who do. In a moment of madness I decide I need to tell my friend, because I need to talk to a woman about this.

“Can we go for a little walk and chat before the furniture arrives?” I ask her quietly and start walking towards the giant wooden doors that open out over the lower vineyard. “Sure we can, you alright?” Amya seems worried now, I don’t often ask to talk my brain just normally vomits the words out but I would rather the staff not hear this chat.

“I’m fine, I just need some girl advice and it’s not the kind of thing I need my sous chef knowing.” I try to settle her mind while we walk down the steps. Once we have walked a little farther into the vineyard I start to talk.

“Amya, you know my scars were from my husband right? Well I need to tell you some things and then I need your advice on how to do something. So please just listen without judging first. Please this is very hard for me to share at all.” I start asking her; when I look at her I see my friend and someone who I can trust with anything.

“Renzo had a vendetta against my father and he married me so I could pay for something my dad did. I was a virgin on my wedding night, that night he beat me then raped me for the first time. It went on like that for eight years I won’t tell you the details, you saw my body you know full well how bad it was. The thing is, I’ve never had normal sex or made love or whatever you want to call it, I’ve only ever been raped. Sex has only ever been about pain, hurt and humiliation for me. I’m terrified of sex. Rowan says he’ll wait until I’m ready but I want to be ready and just don’t know how to get past this last wall in my way. I fear touch and intimacy so much it paralyzes me. I know I’m not ready for actual sex, but I want to be able to touch him and help him out if you know what I mean?” I know I’m blushing all shades of red that matches the roses on my exposed shoulder. I can see my friend is sad for what I have shared but also wholly amused at what I have asked her. The cheeky smile she is wearing tells me so. “Oh sweetheart,” she wraps an arm around my shoulders. “First off, I’m not sure I’m the best sex ed teacher given my liking for the kinkier side of life but I can’t imagine living without sex. What I can say to you is, tell Rowan you want to touch him; no man is going to say no, I can promise you that. Let him guide you to what he likes.” There is no judgement in her tone, and I’m tempted to ask her about her kink comment but hold it in, it’s better not to know some things about your friends. “What if he wants to touch me? What if I freeze the second he does? What if I do it all wrong and he hates it I will die of embarrassment.”

We have walked quite a ways away now and Amya stops and sits down right where she is so I simply follow suit and face her, our buts in the dusty ground beneath the vines. “I have an idea for you, when Rob and I play; um we’ll call it playing for now. I have a set of safe words that I can use to slow things down or stop them all together. I think that could help you, if you feel it’s getting to much you can use one word to slow it down and if it’s at the point of a panic attack one word to stop it completely. As for doing it wrong, if you are touching his cock you are not doing it wrong, there is no wrong. All men love having their bits fiddled with.”