Colour Series Box Set (31 page)

I KNOW ROWAN
will come home this evening with a blazing new number etched in the skin of his fucking beautiful bad heart. I know that I cannot change that, worst of all, I know I don’t want to. But I still feel like I should. I should want him not to kill people. I have had a strange realization in the last few hours. If my father had just shared his world with me, taught me his trade, like he did Rowan, I would never have endured the last eight years of hell. I’d be bad. I’d be able to just be that and it’d be alright, I would not be fighting an inner battle between good and bad. He tried to save me by keeping me good, but he let me be something so much worse than being a monster. He made me weak and ignorant and soft. He made me too good to see the bad in other until it was too late.

I’m done being weak. I’m done just existing. I’m done being afraid. Last night just proved to me that I can face all my fears and overcome them. I want everything Rowan has to give me the good and the bad.

My restaurant is opening in exactly five days and I’m over the moon happy with how it’s turned out. The Estate’s been marketing it like crazy and we’re already booked to capacity for Saturday and Sunday lunch. Rowan’s promised me the next two weeks, no work just us and the restaurant. The thought of it has me giddy with anticipation of the extra time we will have together.

I don’t have much left to do before the big opening other than the food deliveries that will be on Thursday and Friday so I am doing the housework today. I still haven’t let Rowan get a new maid, I find it rather satisfying to take care of things myself, but maybe with the restaurant I might need help a few days a week.

I start to cook us dinner while I wait for Rowan to come home, the afternoons are long when he is not here and I turn on the iPod and lose myself for a while I test a new recipe I have been working on. Rowan is my taste tester. Although he just says he likes everything. His cooking is so bad that I am sure I could serve him beans on toast and he would love it.

When he wanders in in from the garage, my heart skips a beat, he has removed his shirt and I can see the red edges of a fresh number on his chest. I can see in his eyes that he feels like he lets me down every time there is new one. I feel guilty for lusting after him a little more when I know he has just murdered someone. I have told him that it doesn’t upset me, but he is fighting his own battle learning to love me has him conflicted and uneasy. He walks into the kitchen and pulls me into his naked chest; I can smell his tell-tale scent mixed with scotch. He has been to Callum; I lean up and kiss his lips, making him pull me even closer, tangling his hands in my messy hair and devouring me with a kiss that tells me without words that he missed me today. My hands rake over his solid chest and I feel the dusting of hair as I continue to feel every bit of him pressed against me. I love the feeling of being lost in his closeness. I touch his heart and he flinches and lets out a hiss as I graze over the raw new number.

When he breaks our kiss his face is lit by that cocky smile pulling at his lips and he greets me with his blue eyes. “Hello sweetheart, the food smells amazing. I haven’t eaten today and I can’t wait.” He tries to see what’s in the oven but I shoo him away before he opens it and ruins the food. “You will just have to wait a little. It’s not done yet.” He smiles and strolls off to shower grabbing my ass in his big hand on the way past. Last night a barrier had broken between us and I had let him in all the way. It feels so good; I blush at the memory of what his hands did to me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would experience a feeling like that. It was overpowering and intimate and my holy hell it was so good. I understood the way his eyes had rolled back in the shower when I touched him because I’m pretty sure mine did the same thing before the fireworks went off and my whole body shook with the rawest feeling I have felt.

My brain turns to mush whenever Rowan enters my thoughts. I do love him, all of him, even if he doesn’t want me to or expect me to, I do. I don’t understand it but he wouldn’t be
him
without being a killer and I love
him
.

When Rowan wandered back into the kitchen in only his raggedy jeans zipped but not buttoned, I had a hard time concentrating to finish putting the dinner on plates. The smell of his freshly washed body was over powering the smell of my hearty meal and I could feel myself getting lost to the flaming fucking butterflies again. I squeeze my thighs together hoping to stop their inferno but I cannot get rid of them when those blue eyes are disrobing me from across the table. We eat dinner outside like every night it has become our little routine over the last while, only tonight it feels awkward and all I can think of is him and his body and those hands on me. I keep staring at his chest and he keeps catching me making blush and squirm in my seat. I can tell he is enjoying it by the smile that can’t be wiped off his face. We make small talk about his visit to Callum and that he is worried about him. He tells me that Robin misses me and has so much time now that I’m done being coloured in. We chat about the staff I have hired for the opening and hopefully full time at the café.

Rowan as always, clears the table and rinses the dishes. I close up the patio behind us and sit down on the couch with the rest of my wine flicking channels on the TV. I settle on some mind numbing reality show that would kill almost all my brain cells if I let it.

When he’s done in the kitchen, Rowan makes himself comfy next to me on the couch and pulls me close to him. I love this side of him, when he’s soft I don’t think anyone else ever sees this Rowan, he belongs to me only. I feel so good when he holds me. Tonight’s different though, tonight the feel of his thumb brushing over my arm where he holds me and the feel of his breath in my hair and his smell are making my skin burn and the butterflies are smouldering again. Tonight I desperately want more of him. I want his touch it’s like I am feeling these little things for the very first time. I feel alive. Really alive.

I force myself closer still to Rowan, I see the hesitation but also a small smirk on his face. “Are you watching this shit or can we go to bed?” He asks his voice is rough with the same passion it had when we were in the shower the sound of his accent ignites the butterflies and I switch the telly off immediately.

I turn myself around so I am straddling Rowan’s lap, I can see the almost shock on his face at my boldness before I lean forwards and kiss him. I can feel his evening stubble on my face and his hands are firm around my waist as if he isn’t sure where else to put them in that moment. I move so that I’m kissing his neck and whisper in his ear. “Take me to bed Rowan. Now.” I certainly don’t need to ask twice as he lifts us both from the couch in one fluid movement and carries me to the room. He stares into my eyes as he walks down the passage. I feel his erection and it excites me that I caused that. His eyes are burning with a fire I haven’t seen before. He uses my body to push the door closed and pins me there against it. His breaths are shallow and fast, his tall frame keeps me pinned firmly where he wants me. I see him trying to calm himself, to slow himself down. He’s fighting an internal fire and I add fuel to the flames. I steady my hands on his shoulders and kiss him. I don’t know how to put this want, this desire, this burn into words because the words scare me but I want to show him right now that he doesn’t need to extinguish the flames I want him to burn with me right now. I feel the solid wall disappear from my back and it’s soon replaced by the cool comforter of our bed. I’m still wrapped around him when he speaks to me desperately. “Lauri, is this really alright, I don’t think I can stop myself but I will, I will if you tell me too. I promise I won’t hurt you baby but I just can’t stop now. Please don’t stop me. I want to make you feel so good sweetheart.” His hands are under my clothes leaving a trail of fire everywhere he touches me. I push my hand into his chest forcing him to stop and look into my eyes. I need him to see me .I need him to see that I am not afraid of him, but I also need to know I can still stop him. “I don’t want you to stop Rowan, I want you. All of you. I’m not afraid of you.” The pure relief in his eyes at the permission I just gave him makes me want him even more.

My hands slide to the open button of his jeans and I lower the zip slowly. We don’t break the eye contact between us not even to blink. I slip my hand over the hardness of his erection and his breath hitches he grabs my wrist stopping me in my tracks. I shake my hand lose, I want to touch him and I’m going to. He closes his eyes as I do, I can feel him twitch and harden more in my hand as I slowly slide it down his shaft and back to the tip. I do it again and his eyes fly open he grabs my hand and pulls it away from him. “Lauri, go slow please.” He begs me, in my need to touch him I forgot that he may just be too close to the edge in that moment. He slides off the bed and pulls me up so I am sitting in front of him on the edge of the bed. His cock is in my face and the ridiculous desire to lick it is back with a vengeance he must see it in my eyes as I unconsciously lick my bottom lip. He lifts my chin and shakes his head at me a smile pulling at his, he’s enjoying this immensely. He pulls my shirt over my head and sucks in a breath at my bare chest; I hadn’t bothered with a bra he pulls at the top of my jeans and I lift myself so he can remove them. Leaving me in my lacy red thong and nothing else. He shoves his own pants off leaving all our clothes piled on the floor. His eyes devour my body and I start to feel a little self-conscious. I haven’t felt this naked since my tattoo was completed but in that moment I felt as naked as I really was. I lifted my arms to cover my breasts but Rowan pulled them away. Without a thought, I lean forward and lick him. I couldn’t control it I wanted to do it. I want to make him feel good his whole body goes stiff at the touch of my mouth on his cock. I stop for a second and then slide him into my mouth. I have no idea how to do this so I hesitate slightly. Rowan relaxes a little and puts a hand in my hair and slowly guides my mouth over him I look up into his eyes and I see nothing but lust and desire. There is no bad and certainly no evil in this man right now. Suddenly aware of what I am doing I put a little effort into my movements and I can feel he is losing his control. I feel every ridge of his rock hard cock with my tongue before he roughly pulls me away. “Not tonight Lauri, I want you, all of you but I don’t want to come in your mouth tonight.” Im secretly relieved because I wouldn’t know what to do if he did, I hadn’t thought that far. I need to let Rowan be in control right now, I trust him not to hurt me but I need him show me how to do this. I need him to push me past this fear so I can love him with all of me.

LIST OF THINGS I
never expected today. Lauri throwing herself at me. Lauri giving me the permission I needed to take her body and soul. Lauri putting her mouth on me again, while I was awake. Her telling me not to stop when I told her I would if she wanted me to. Lauri is full of surprises today and so far I’m loving all of them. I can feel her handing me control right now. She has. I’m afraid of her giving it to me but my god, am I ready for this? I want this woman, the woman I love more than anything in the world and I intend to show her exactly how much I want her and just how fucking earth shattering sex can be. This feels different for me too. I have never loved the women I have bedded in the past.