Colour Series Box Set (25 page)

“Rowan, that woman that opened the door for you today, my wife, I love her without a doubt in my mind. She is my whole world I know I will die without her. But Rowan, she was all light and she had a really hard time reconciling who I was and the things I have done and for a long time she refused to love all of me. So I loved her enough for both of us until she could love me. You can’t change who you are any more than I could change who I am Rowan. We have taken lives with our hands but we can still love with all our hearts. That’s all I am going to tell you my friend. I listened and I think that’s all you really needed.”

Robin holds up a mirror so I can see what he has done, my heart stops. God he has reached into my soul ripped my thoughts out and written them on my flesh. Why are feelings so fucking hard?

Sometimes the only way to live is to die first

Sometimes the only way to love is with the dark side of your heart

Sometimes the only way to love a monster is to be one

Sometimes to live, love and die are all the same thing

***

THE WORDS FILL
the last of the empty space on my chest and I’m amazed at the way they make me feel right. I know that I need to let myself love Lauri, not only with the darkness in me but with whatever light I may have in me and I need to love her enough for the both of us right now. “Go home Rowan. Go love her. But be gentle, she isn’t just any woman, she has been to hell and survived it.” Robin’s words are soft but firm, he has done all he can as my friend right now. I have to somehow find a way to do the one thing I was never meant to do.

Amya and Robin both wave to me from their front door as I drive away towards home with a little less of an ache in my heart and a glimmer of hope.

TALKING TO CALLUM
has eased the storm of feelings brewing inside me only a little. I use the drive home to let my heart and my mind catch up to each other I know I love Rowan, I also know as much as I don’t want to admit it I love the monster in him just as much. That monster is who saved me after all. But I am still afraid of him, afraid of how much he can hurt me. But most of all I am afraid to let him touch me because once he does I know that all my defences will be broken down and then he could truly break all that is left of me into tiny pieces.

I stop at the estate entrance and decide to drive down to the vineyards and walk for a while before I go up to the house. I normally walk here after I have been to Robin to let my mind and body sort of get themselves back together but today, they are together and I just need a little time to accept what that means. The late afternoon air is crisp but not cold and the smell of clean air is refreshing after being in the city this morning. The wind rustles the vines as I walk through them towards the barn that I plan to turn into my dream restaurant. I stop and sit on the concrete loading bay step outside the barn and look out over this stunning place in this moment I know that Rowan is my home and my future I just hope he has the patience to love me slowly because if a fall I will break.

I walk back to my car slowly, preparing myself to let Rowan love me. If he can really love that is, I am still unsure of how the monster and the lover would exist in him.

The drive back up to the house is short and the first thing I see is Rowan’s car in the open garage so I know he is here. I wonder if he left at all today. My pulse quickens at the reality of facing him.

I try to fix my now very wind-blown hair and I wipe my eyes but there is no hope they are red and puffy and I can’t fix that right now. Rowan has seen me ugly cry enough times that this isn’t bad at all.

I unlock the front door and walk into the house; I hear Rowan’s music playing from the lounge and I walk towards the melancholy. He’s sitting on the couch and appears to be nervously waiting for me to come in, he’s tense and tapping his foot, both hands are clasped together restraining himself. His blue eyes look into mine and I hear a million words he isn’t saying yet. I’m having a hard time trying to form words myself as I walk towards where he sits. I can’t talk yet as I know I’ll just cry again, but I kneel between his knees and pull his face towards mine my fingers lace through his thick dark hair and I notice the grey around his temples is more prominent than I noticed before. I rest my forehead against his and just look into his eyes. They always tell me more than his words. He doesn’t move and he doesn’t touch me he just looks into my soul. When I think that my heart may actually burst through my ribs if I don’t, I lean in and softly kiss his lips. It’s the only way I know how to tell him anything right now. There’s an electricity between us as I kiss him, he slowly returns my kiss and moves his arms around my waist to pull me up onto his lap not breaking our kiss and also not scaring me away. He feels soft and relaxed I like the way I feel in his arms at that moment he isn’t trying to restrain himself or hold back he is just holding me and it feels real. I thought I was home when I woke in my old room six months ago, I was so wrong this is home. Right here in Rowan’s arms this is home after years in hell I am finally home.

I break our kiss after what feels like forever and finally I can say something. “I love you Rowan, not might, not maybe and not half, I love all of you. But I am afraid. I want to let you love me. But you have to love me slowly and gently I cannot jump off a cliff with you yet. Be patient with me please Rowan.” I can hear the desperation in my plea as I beg him to love me at my pace. He kisses my lips again softly before he speaks to me. His rough Irish voice is shaking and not his usual confident tone. “All I want is to love you Lauri, and for you to be able to love me back. I understand if you can’t love all of me yet I do. But I love all of you and I will love you as fast or slow as you want. I always believed that I didn’t have a heart that I couldn’t love. But trying not to love you has showed me just how real my heart was by breaking it.” His words demolish any defence I might have had against him.

We don’t need to say anything more. Rowan just holds me close and we sit there allowing ourselves to feel. I stopped feeling for years and he never allowed himself to feel at all so this right here is something new to us both. As we sit there I know I need to tell him about my babies. I know that that last scrap of pain, fear and hurt has to be cleared away before we can go forward together. He needs to know that I am giving him a broken heart and that’s all I have.

I don’t move or look at him I simply start talking with my eyes closed so I know I can get it all out. “Rowan, I need to tell you something else, I’m just going to talk and you’re going to hold me and be quiet until I’m done please.” I sniff through tears that start to fall before I can even talk.

He just holds me little tighter and whispers “Okay,” into my hair.

I tell him, I let it all go and tell him how Renzo would get me pregnant, then have his devil doctor come to the house and rip my babies from my body, then beat me and lock me away. I tell him that this happened six times, six times I let myself love the baby growing in me only to have it ripped away and murdered by the devil I’d married. How my dreams of a family had been murdered six times and still he didn’t think I had paid enough for my father’s sins. I cry while I tell the story and I am sure voice is barely audible. He says nothing but I feel his hold on me getting tighter and tighter.

When I am done talking, I bury my head in his chest and just breathe in his smell and enjoy the feeling of being safe in his arms. He just holds me; he doesn’t talk or move at all he just holds me as if absorbing the last of pain and taking it away. I think that I can live now, that I can love now. I am ready for Rowan now.

It’s me who moves first after what feels like an eternity, I wipe my tears away with my hands and turn to Rowan for the second time today his cheeks have tears on them. I reach up and wipe his with my thumbs then I kiss him softly before is whisper on his lips. “I am ready to love all of you now Rowan.” As soon as my words leave my mouth Rowan kisses me hard.It’s full of passion and all the feelings I know he so desperately wants to say but doesn’t know how to yet.

We kiss each other right there on the couch like teenagers, our hands touching, feeling and discovering one another. I can feel Rowan getting hard in his shorts under me and I’m sort of proud that it’s me doing that to him. In that same moment, I’m afraid because I know in my heart I’m not ready for sex yet, not yet. I can’t separate the act from what it meant in my past. For me, sex and rape is still one and the same thing, I can’t separate the two. I pull away from Rowan, I have to tell him before we get carried away any further and he expects that from me. “I’m not … I can’t … I’m not ready to have sex Rowan. I don’t know when or if I will be and I need you to be fine with that before we carry on here I need you to know that’s not happening here today.” I manage to stumble over to words. My heart’s pounding nervously. I know Rowan likes sex, I’ve heard it many times. That thought makes me jealous and I want to push it away. What if he needs sex more than he loves me?

“You’re driving Lauri; we will get there when you’re ready. I want more than anything to show you, you teach you how beautiful and passionate and amazing sex can be but I will let you be the one to say when that happens. For right now, I am quite happy making out like a teenager on my couch. I need to learn to love you first.” His words are soft and there is no sign of Rowan the heartless killer..

We make out a little longer before I ask if he wants dinner, it’s long since dark outside and I am pretty sure he hasn’t eaten since breakfast. He reluctantly lets me go so I can make us something to eat. We settle on tomato soup and grilled cheese and start preparing the food and he sits opposite me at the kitchen island. His eyes following my every movement I feel him watching me work.

“So tell about this restaurant idea of yours?” Rowan surprises me by asking while I make puree the tomatoes for the soup. He remembered that I asked him.

“I have this crazy idea to turn the old barn down at the vineyard into a lunch café that we could open over the weekends and offer lunch to the wine tasting crowds like some of the other estates do. Nothing big just simple rustic fresh lunches. It’s just an idea.” I know my voice gets and excited squeal to it as I tell him about what I plan to do. I’m going to do it and soon.

“It’s a great idea, have you spoken to any of the estate staff about it? I think you should do it. I’ll help where I can. You know cooking isn’t my best talent.” We both laugh at his statement. Or understatement, Rowan cannot cook. We talk more about my idea while I cook and while we eat dinner together. There’s something comfortable between us tonight. We’ve said what we feel and we can both breathe. Now we can be in the same room. Although Rowan still takes my breath away every time I see him, I might never breathe right with him around. He catches me yawning as I put our plates into the dishwasher. I didn’t get much sleep last night and today was emotionally exhausting. I can feel my body is ready for bed already. “You’re tired, it’s been a long day I think.” Rowan says to me as we finish cleaning the kitchen together we move around the space so comfortably together.

“Hmm, I didn’t sleep much last night either. I could use a shower and my bed right now.” I stifle another yawn. “Go shower, I will close up the house for us.” He says smacking my ass playfully with a drying cloth as I walk past him. I like this Rowan, the happy one in my kitchen right now. I take off my apron and head down to my room and a much needed shower after the tears and wind and stress of today I am afraid to see what I look like right now.

I turn the water on to get hot while I undress myself in the bathroom. The steam has filled the whole room by the time I get in and it feels so good to wash away the heaviness of the day. I’m in the shower for what seems like ages before I get out and wrap a towel around myself. I usually take my clothes in with me but I forgot tonight. As I walk into my room I am met by the sight of Rowan asleep in my bed. I was not expecting that at all. I’m not sure what I was expecting but that’s not it. His shirt is off and I just know that he is in his boxer briefs under my duvet. God he is a walking talking wet dream and he is in my bed asleep. Not sure what to do, I slip on a tank top and my undies, same as I do every night I flick the lights off and slither into my side of the bed. This is strange and I feel somewhat panicky over it. I have never had anyone sleep in my bed with me. Not even Renzo. I’m petrified of sleeping in the same room, never mind a bed as another person, especially Rowan.