Chasing Rainbows (25 page)

"Run as fast as you can, Addie. Chase after whatever it is you're chasing after, just don't expect me to understand why you'd throw away a chance at something real just because you're scared."

"I am not scared," I denied, even though every word he spoke was the truth. He saw through me. He knew my truth, and it was there in the tormented expression on his beautiful face, and reflected in his eyes, but there wasn't anything that he could say or do to change my mind. I watched him walk away and disappear around the corner of the building. He was right, I couldn't keep chasing after Natalie's ghost. She was gone, but one day, Jake would thank me for setting him free. I'd broken my own heart to save his.

Chapter twenty

W
HEN
I
TURNED TO PULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY,
I saw my dad's sedan sitting parked in front of the house. My parents had arrived home earlier than I'd expected. They weren't due back until tomorrow. Parking my car in the drive, I cut the engine and looked into the rearview mirror checking my face. I wiped away the remaining tears on my cheeks, and pushed back a stray strand of unruly hair. I looked awful. My face was splotchy and red. My eyes were swollen. Not to mention, I still had on Kara's skimpy wrinkled dress from the night before. Maybe they wouldn't notice. They usually never paid any attention to me anyway.

This was just freaking great
, I thought absently as I opened my car door and climbed out. It was the perfect beginning to what was well on its way to being the worst day ever. The front door was unlocked, and when I stepped through the doorway, I heard my dad's voice. His dark head was bent over a pile of scattered papers lying before him. He was sitting on the couch with his briefcase lying opened on the coffee table. He was on the phone, and it was obvious he was taking a business call. He glanced up as if somehow seeming to sense me although I hadn't made a sound. His chocolate brown eyes met mine, and he gave me a quick wave and a friendly smile that I tried my best to return before heading upstairs to my room. When his attention was once more distracted by the voice on the other end of the line, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
One down one to go,
I thought as I walked through the house.

The coast was clear. I didn't see my mom anywhere as I made my way down the hallway to my room. I drew in a deep breath. I needed to calm down. Everything was fine. Natalie's door was still closed and mom was probably inside since she spent the majority of her spare time there anyway.

When I opened the door to my room, my steps faltered. My chest grew tight, and I struggled to breathe. Mom was sitting on her knees in the middle of my bed. Her blond hair was pulled into a ponytail and she was wearing an old pink T-shirt and a pair of ratty gray sweatpants. She glanced up, finally realizing my presence in the room. Our eyes met. I stared back at her frozen in place. I wanted to run, but I couldn't move.

There on the bed sat my nightstand drawer. The blood began rushing through my head, pounding like a wave beating against the shoreline. Pictures of Natalie lay scattered across the bed, and in the overhead light, I caught the faint glint of silver.

"Come here, Addie," she ordered in a quiet calm tone. I would have preferred her to yell. She looked as if she had been crying.

Her face was lined with worry and at that moment, she seemed every year of her age. I watched as she wiped the back of her hand against her cheek dashing away a stray tear. With my heart in my throat, I walked toward her, my steps slow and sluggish almost as if I were walking through quicksand. My mind raced. In that second, I wished I were anywhere but here.

Beside her on my bed were two neatly stacked rows of razor blades. Automatically, my hands curled into fists against my sides. My nails dug into the tender skin of my palms as panic threatened to eat me alive.

She took me by surprise when she grabbed my hand. Her grip was firm. She pulled me forward and urged me to sit down beside her on the bed. She seemed almost angry. "Don't you have anything to say for yourself, Natalie?" she asked, her tone snappy.

Everything inside of me froze at hearing my sister's name on her lips. It was just one more blow to my already fractured heart. My scars tingled. My eyes momentarily sought the razor blades lying on the bed. I craved their stinging release.

"I'm not Natalie, Mom," I corrected her, watching as her eyes fluttered with confusion. "You called me, Natalie. My name is Addie, Mom. I'm Addie!" I cried, my voice rising hysterically.

"What are you doing with so many razors in your drawer?" she asked; ignoring my tears. I assumed she already knew or suspected my secret and wondered why she even bothered to ask.

"Answer me," she demanded; her eyes flashing angrily as her grip tightened painfully around my wrist.

I looked at the slim fingers holding me captive then gazed into her eyes. They were hazel; the same color of Natalie's. I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat. It was threatening to choke me. I couldn't breathe. She wanted me to say it. She wouldn't be happy unless I did.

"I think you already know," I whispered; hearing my voice crack.

Then, a painful sound escaped her lips and her face crumbled. She pulled me toward her, wrapping her arms tightly around me. "Please, Addie. No!" she cried, wanting me to deny the truth of my words. Her damp face pressed into my hair as she sobbed pitifully into the crook of my neck.

It hurt to touch her, and it hurt to be touched by her. I held her while she cried. Everything inside me was tattered and bleeding. Mewling sounds rushed past my lips as tears streaked down my cheeks. I tried to keep it in, but I couldn't. It only made it worse even though I wanted nothing more than to trap all of that hurt inside of me. I needed to hold onto it, or I was sure I'd shatter like glass. The hurt was all I had left.

"It's my fault," I whispered brokenly, hearing her softly hiccup in my ear.

She pulled back to gaze at me curiously. Her face was wet with tears. "What's your fault, Addie?" she asked, appearing confused.

"Natalie," I replied on a strangled sob, but she was shaking her head at me in denial.

Tears ran down her pale cheeks. Her eyes were painfully red and swollen. "Natalie's death was never your fault. If anyone were to blame, I blame myself. I was arguing with your sister the morning she left for school. I'd found a pregnancy test in the trash and called her cell phone screaming ugly things at her. Things, I wished that I'd never said. Things, I can never take back. I was talking to her when it happened."

By the time she'd finished the last sentence, she was sobbing once again. Her fingers were digging into my flesh, but I couldn't look away from her. "None of this is your fault. I'm sorry your father and I have been such lousy parents since Natalie's death. It was hard on all of us, Addie," she whispered, drawing me toward her once more. Her arms wrapped around me, her hand stroked my hair and slid reassuringly up and down my back.

I hugged her, feeling her shoulders shake as she drew in a ragged breath. "Your father and I both love you," she said against my ear. "We love you as much as we did Natalie. We never loved one of you more than the other. We've handled things badly, but I thought your father was going to lose his mind after the accident. We not only lost a daughter, but we lost a grandchild too. We didn't mean to push you away even though that's exactly what we did."

Her confession floored me, and even though my heart was broken, I sensed that she needed me to comfort her. Maybe I could give her what I had been denied. "I still love you," I whispered, and she paused from stroking my hair and pulled back to look at me. Her hands were trembling when she cupped my face and gazed into my eyes.

"We never stopped loving you, Addie. Even though, it probably didn't seem like we did at the time. I'm sorry we weren't here for you. I'm sorry your father and I let you down." My chest shook. A sob tore past my lips. I cried so hard her image blurred before me. "Are you hurting yourself?" she asked; she already knew, but I understood. She wanted — needed — to hear it from me.

"Not anymore," I choked out, and she pulled me to her side, rocking me back and forth against her chest.

An overwhelming sense of helplessness gripped me as she cuddled me like a small child. All the ugliness and pain locked inside of me was seeping out through the tears that I cried, washing everything away.

"Aww, baby, I'm so sorry," she whispered over and over, her arms tightening around me. She held me as everything inside me begun to unravel. The burden I'd placed upon myself had finally been lifted. Her touch and her confession were a balm easing the guilt and erasing the darkness staining my soul. I was coming apart, and I knew then that nothing would ever be the same again.

Hours later, I was sitting alone in my room when I heard Kara downstairs talking to my mom. I should probably have gone down and met her. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It read 5:30. I'd left my phone in my car. She'd probably texted me a million and one times. I'd forgotten all about Devon's party. The whole time, I'd been sitting there replaying the conversation I'd had with my mom and then with my dad over and over in my mind. Never had I thought in a thousand years the course of my life could be altered within the scope of a couple of hours.

I was going to be homeschooled, at least for the next few weeks. My mother and father had both agreed that it would be for the best until we could see a therapist. This time, together. Finally, they'd agreed upon all of us seeking counseling. Our family would always be fractured, but we had to find a way to put the mistakes of our past behind us. It was the only way we could ever move forward and heal. I was scared. The way I lived now was all I could remember. I could barely recall how I'd felt before I'd lost Natalie. It was as if it were nothing more than a fuzzy dream.

Footsteps echoed up from the staircase. I knew it was Kara coming upstairs. My door stood open, and I wasn't surprised when she peeped her head around the doorframe smiling at me. "Hey you," she said, softly. Her concerned blue eyes slid over my face curiously.

The cut-off denim shorts emphasized her tanned legs. The snug red T-shirt clinging to her amble breasts sported a huge pair of black lips on the front.

"Come on in, Kara." I said, motioning her inside the room.

Her favorite flip flops slapped the floor as she walked toward me. With a flickering smile, she sat down on the bed beside me. "Are you okay?" she asked; her tone uncertain as her eyes searched mine looking for an answer.

"I don't know," I replied, honestly. I didn't know what I was, but for the first time in three years, there was a tiny spark of hope.

She scooted closer and pulled her knees up underneath her, and we sat facing one another on the bed. She gazed down at the stack of pictures I'd placed back inside the drawer. Earlier, my mom had taken the razor blades with her when she'd left my room. I didn't want to think about what she'd done with them. I didn't want to know. I'd promised Jake and I'd promised myself, I wouldn't cut anymore. I didn't realize how bad until this moment, I wanted to keep that promise even though it left me feeling anxious and a little lost and confused.

Kara's hands settled over my own. The twine she'd wrapped around the band of Devon's class ring she wore on her forefinger felt scratchy against my skin. "Your mom told me."

I nodded my head in understanding, squeezing her hands then her slim fingers curled around mine. "You know that I love you, Addie. You're my best friend in the whole wide world."

"I know, Kara. I love you, too. We're all going to counseling. Not just me this time, but my mom and my dad also." I told her and half-way smiled.

"You needed this, Addie," she said solemnly. She seemed to understand.

"I know." I heaved a tired sigh. Everything was all out there in the open and there was nothing more for me to hide. "I'm sorry I cut out this morning."

Kara's expression changed. She drew her bottom lip in between her front teeth nibbling on it as if she were thinking about what she should say next. She usually just spoke her mind, so I knew whatever she was going to tell me was serious.

"Jake was pretty torn up after you left," she finally began, regarding me closely.

I wanted to ask how he was, but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself. I knew I'd hurt him, but what I felt for Jake was hard to describe. I couldn't put it into words, especially not now with everything that had happened since I'd come home and had the mother of all surprises waiting for me when I arrived.

"Alright, Addie. I know what you did. I know how you feel about this guy, or you never would have allowed it to happen," Kara held up her hand, palm facing me when I opened my mouth to speak. "You can deny it, and you can clam up if you want, but you need to be honest with yourself. Then, you need to be honest with Jake."

I shook my head no at her, and she frowned. "I can't deal with him right now. I know it's not fair, but I just can't." I said, lowering my eyes and tracing one of the many flowers in the pattern on my sheets.

"I understand, but when you feel like you're ready, you really need to talk to him. There's only so far you can run, Addie." Kara said, her hand slipping over mine and ceasing my fidgeting.

I raised my eyes staring back at her. "I will, Kara. I will eventually talk to him," I promised. I just needed some time.

I couldn't tell Kara that I had been so busy chasing Natalie's ghost and running away from my emotions that I had been afraid to live. I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear; not today nor tomorrow. It wasn't that simple. I couldn't, and wouldn't confess to her just how much Jake actually meant to me. There was way too much going on in my life that I had to get straightened out first before I even attempted to see him again.

How could I love someone when I couldn't even love myself? And how could I completely let go of all of the guilt I'd held on to for the past three years and live a life without Natalie's ghost haunting me?