Chasing Rainbows (22 page)

I struggled against him. I struggled with everything in me. He stumbled when he stepped from the curb, and I landed with a bounce sideways on the bench seat with him falling directly on top of me. He ended up wedged in between my thighs intimately pinning me to the seat. His hooded eyes locked on my face. Suddenly, I became conscious of the denim of his jeans brushing against my bare skin. I froze looking up at him. It wasn't the intimacy of this moment that frightened me. I wasn't afraid of Jake, but instead of the feelings that he unleashed inside of me. I was losing control with him, and that was what scared me the most. I craved him; his tender smile and his gentle hands. The way that he saw the world was so different from the way I saw it. He made me want, but I didn't want to destroy him and hurt myself more than I already hurt. I was scared.

One of his hands was braced above me near my head. The other rested on the top of the seat holding the brunt of his weight. A low simmering heat brewed in my stomach and sped through my veins faster than the tequila had inflamed my senses. Jake's eyes were almost black, the pupils contracted to the point where only a thin ring of blue surrounded them.

Within the dim light from the dome overhead I gazed back at him, mesmerized. I was ashamed but turned on all at the same time. I laid my hand against his cheek, and he trembled. It was amazing that my touch had the ability to affect him so. Out of the corner of my eye, I happened to notice three guys standing on the sidewalk directly behind Jake watching us. I pushed against his chest. Confusion clouded his expression, but Jake remained still, gazing down at me. He didn't move.

"We've got an audience," I whispered, embarrassed, and he turned from me with narrowed eyes glaring over his shoulder at the observers.

"Get the fuck out of here," he snarled, and they took off. "Are you okay?" he asked, as he stepped away from me. His chest heaved. His shoulders were tense. He bristled with adrenaline and desire.

I nodded and quickly sat up in the seat reaching for the hem of my dress. His eyes followed my every move, but it was too late to hide. Without a doubt, Jake had already seen the pale blue panties that I wore beneath my stretchy sequin dress, and he'd also seen the slim methodical rows of scars lining my upper thighs. I couldn't hide from him.

Only when my dress was discretely pulled back down did I glance up at him. He took a step toward me, moving closer and did not stop until he stood close enough for me to feel the heat of his breath against my face. My knees rested against the hard ridges of his abs. His expression was blank, and I had no clue as to what he thought. "Why?" He finally asked, and I bit my lip hard almost drawing blood and glared back at him. I didn't want to say it. Not out loud.

"Answer me, Addie," he demanded harshly. "I need to know why."

I took a deep breath holding his gaze. "It was the easiest way out after I lost Natalie," I whispered, studying his face. I waited, expecting his scorn. I had nothing left to hide from him. He knew everything. So now, he could just walk away like everyone else. I'd make it easy for him.

"The first time that it happened was an accident," I heard myself say, somewhat surprised that I was still talking when all I wanted to do was cover my face with my hands. Why wouldn't I shut up? It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience and was watching myself from afar.

"It was right after Natalie's funeral. I was sitting in my room. I'd found a manila envelope filled with pictures hidden beneath Natalie's bed in a shoebox. I was crying. Crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. I was dying. Nothing or no one could take away the pain I felt. No one cared. My parents were so wrapped up in themselves, I didn't matter."

Tears rained down my cheeks, but instead of Jake turning away as I expected, his fingertips brushed against my skin wiping away the wetness. There was no judgment in his gaze. It seemed as if he hurt right along with me. I wanted to be quiet, but my lips refused to cooperate. I'd said enough, but it was as if a dam had burst inside of me. I had to let it out or I would explode.

"I was angry. My heart was hollowed out and raw. There were all these ugly thoughts; all this ugliness inside me and trapped in my head that I couldn't escape from. I grabbed that envelope, trying to rip all those pictures into pieces; trying to forget about everything and accidently sliced my finger. Sometimes when I allow myself to think about it, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't accidentally cut myself? Would I have turned to something else? Alcohol? Pills?" I laughed bitterly, shaking my head when his hand covered mine. "Would I even be here? Stupid, right?" I asked, staring at him but he never answered. I didn't want him to anyway. Silence was more damning than any words. My eyes darted from his, no longer able to handle the intensity of his gaze. Instead, I watched the people passing by us on the sidewalk.

"Something inside of me just clicked. It was then that everything became crystal clear. The cut hurt like hell, but it was a different kind of pain. A pain, I could deal with. A pain, I was in control of, and no one could take it away from me like Natalie was taken away. It was all mine, and to me it made perfect sense."

Jake sadly shook his head; his eyes were as empty as I now felt. "You have to promise me you'll never do that again."

"I can't," I whispered, chewing nervously on my bottom lip. My heart ached. I wanted to promise him anything. I wanted to promise him I would never cut myself again but I couldn't. I needed it too badly.

"The hell you can't," he insisted angrily, his gaze searching my face. His hand now gripped mine tethering me to him. "You will. Promise me, Addie. It hurts me that you hurt."

"Why?" I asked woodenly, looking back at him with wide eyes. He seemed to struggle as if trying to grasp the words to convey his thoughts then his expression softened.

"I care about you. More than I've ever cared about anyone else. I won't stand by and watch you do this to yourself. Whenever the urge hits, you call me. I'm here for you. I don't care what time it is, where you are or what you think I'm doing. You call me." He drew in a deep breath, his chest rising and falling. His eyes focused on mine. "Damn it, Addie! You matter to me! You. Matter. To. Me."

Tears were slipping down my cheeks, and with Jake holding my hand and looking at me as if I were his everything, I knew I'd promise him anything. Tentatively, I nodded, hoping with all of my heart that I'd be brave enough to do as he asked. I wanted to matter, especially to him.

He drew me against his chest, the tenderness of his embrace made me feel cherished. My chin rested on his broad shoulder and I drew in a ragged breath, clenching his back as he drew me even closer. I felt safe and loved. Through bleary eyes, I realized Devon and Kara were standing on the sidewalk watching us. Devon had his arms wrapped around Kara, and she was crying. They'd obviously witnessed what had just happened between us. Kara smiled at me. Her damp eyes full of understanding.

Jake was tangling himself tightly around my heart, embedding his very essence into the crevices of my soul. If I hurt myself, I'd be hurting him. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to see that look of sadness in his eyes ever again. He made me want to be strong… stronger, than I'd ever been before.

Chapter eighteen

T
HE RIDE BACK TO THE APARTMENT WAS QUIET.
I sat beside Jake gazing through the windshield with his arm casually draped around my shoulder. My head laid against his chest while his fingertips were busy caressing my bare skin, drawing small circles along my upper arm. He couldn't quit touching me. It was driving me crazy, and he was all I could think about.

When I breathed in, it was Jake's scent that filled my nostrils, making me high. Jake's warmth that chased away the cold darkness hiding inside of me. He was like a drug that I didn't want to be hooked on. I didn't want to need him like I'd needed the bite of my silver blades. But no matter how hard I tried to talk myself out of it, my heart refused to listen, and secretly I feared Jake just as much as I wanted him.

"You asleep?" he asked; his soft hoarse voice sending chills skittering down my spine. I loved the way he sounded as if he'd just awoken from an erotic dream of which I was the star.

"No, I'm awake," I whispered, lifting my head from his broad shoulder as we pulled in beside Devon's S-10 just as Kara and Devon climbed out.

He turned off the engine and yanked the key from the ignition. The muted glow from the overhead streetlights filled the truck with soft light, highlighting the dark crevices of his handsome face. His eyes searched mine, and then I heard him sigh. "Will you stay with me tonight, Addie?" he asked, his request flowing through my veins like warm honey, secretly thrilling me. "We don't have to do anything. I just want to hold you."

"I'll stay, Jake," I whispered. I wanted to.

He opened his door, climbed out and reached back inside to take my hand. When I slid across the seat toward him, there wasn't a doubt in my mind I'd made the right decision.

Devon and Kara stood nearby on the walkway outside the apartment building waiting. The sky was dark with only a tiny sliver of the moon making an appearance in its inky backdrop. The smell of charcoal lingered in the cool night air. Someone in the complex had been grilling. Kara smiled at me. Her arms were wrapped around Devon; her eyelids at half-mast. The tequila had definitely caught up with her and was kicking her ass big time.

"Addie, you okay?" she asked, her speech slightly slurred. She couldn't quit smiling, and I found her goofy grin endearing. Devon was gently stroking her hair and supporting the bulk of her weight.

"I'm fine. I promise," I reassured her, and my reply seemed to please her.

"Let's get inside," Devon suggested, eyeing Kara.

I glanced hesitantly over at Jake who held my hand firmly. The warmth of his palm and the strength of his touch soothed me. It was a balm for everything inside of me that hurt. He appeared hesitant. It was as if he were waiting for me to change my mind; as if he expected it. I glanced at my Jetta. It was safely parked beside Kara's Escort. Then I looked back at Jake, nodding my head. I wanted to stay with him.

Kara sang softly off key as she and Devon walked in front of us toward the building. They moved at what seemed like a snail's pace as they wobbled to and fro because of Kara's drunken state, and we had to match out steps to their gait. We were almost to the front door when Kara stumbled, apparently over thin air.

"Whoa, sunshine," Devon said with a husky chuckle and caught her before she fell to her knees on the sidewalk.

In one swift move, he scooped her up in his arms, cradling her against his chest. Kara was laughing. She smiled at me from over his shoulder. "How much did you drink, Kara?"

She giggled, swatting her hand at me as if I were no more than a pesky fly. "Hold still, babe," I heard Devon say as he tightened his grip on her squirming body.

"Not enough!" Kara declared loudly, then her attention shifted to Devon, and she began to occupy herself by nibbling on his ear.

"She's definitely past her limit," Devon replied with a smile, shaking his head in amusement. He stopped before the apartment door, halfway turned and looked expectantly back at Jake who let go of my hand, slid around them and past the thick shrubs planted inconveniently by the front door.

"Stop that," Devon whispered. She giggled and slipped her pink tongue into his ear. She was obviously driving him crazy.

The muscles in Devon's arm bulged as he shifted Kara's weight, holding her against his chest with only one broad hand. Playfully, he swatted her bottom with the other then almost immediately was holding her once more with both hands. She squealed and giggled; her arms tightening around his neck as her fingers dove into the thick hair at the nape of his neck. "Geez babe, wait until we get inside."

Jake held open the door so Kara and Devon could enter. He was watching me intently as I brushed by him. What was it with that look? Maybe, he'd changed his mind.

"We'll catch you guys in the morning," Devon called out and Kara happily waved at us from over his broad shoulder as he made a bee line straight for his room.

When Devon kicked his door closed, I turned around, sensing Jake standing behind me. He walked past me heading for his own room. He didn't speak so instead of standing there watching his long sexy stride, I hightailed it to the bathroom. I was confused and nervous as hell.

After washing away the raccoon eyes I sported and finger brushing my teeth, I'd tried unsuccessfully to run my damp fingers through my hair to loosen the now semi-tight curls. The club had been humid, and my hair always kinked with the humidity, but thanks to its long length, the curls never looked like I had a really bad perm.

The door to Jake's room stood open but instead of appearing too eager, I walked into the kitchen and found my forgotten phone lying on the table. There were ten new messages and all of them were from Brandon. None from Chance, so I pushed him far from my mind. There was no room for him there anyway, now that Jake had taken up residence.

Quickly, I texted Brandon, telling him I'd call him in the morning. I walked toward the refrigerator, opened the door, and peered inside. The bulb was blown, but there was enough light from the living room to still see inside. I grabbed a bottle of water bypassing the beer and shut the door. I'd had enough to drink tonight. I was nervous, and needed to quit stalling. This was what I wanted. Wasn't it?

I took a small sip of water as I walked across that ugly orange apartment carpet toward Jake's room. I paused just inside the door, catching him unaware since he seemed preoccupied adjusting his guitar's strings. He sat on the makeshift bed holding the Fender guitar I'd seen earlier when Kara and I had been snooping in his room. He tightened a silver spoke, and then I watched as his scarred fingers strummed the strings. He was so hot and tender.

And he was all mine.

Well, at least for a little while. At least, for tonight.