Authors: Kimberla Lawson Roby
More importantly, I wanted to know what it was like to truly love myself and live happily ever after with my soul mate.
I definitely didn’t want to be like Renee, a woman willing to settle.
I wanted so, so much more than that.
What I wanted was
the
grand prize.
I
COULDN’T BELIEVE
this was happening. The conference had begun barely two hours ago, it was now eleven o’clock, and already I was rushing back to the restroom for the second time. I’d arrived in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon, but because I’d been up and down throughout the middle of the night, I was starting to feel weaker as time went on. Right now, it was a major task putting one foot before the other.
In the ladies’ room, I slid into one of the stalls and hung my belongings onto a hook. But just as I prepared to remove my clothing, I started feeling dizzy. I even grabbed the side of the wall and closed my eyes, waiting for this spell to pass, but when I opened them, all I saw were huge, blinding stars. My head twirled and I wondered when I would ever feel normal again.
This all lasted for more than a minute, but when it stopped, I left the restroom and headed up to my suite. I decided that the conference, at least for the remainder of today, would have to do without me, and the partners would just have to understand that I wasn’t feeling well.
When I arrived inside my quarters, I dropped everything I was carrying on the sofa and walked into the bedroom, where I removed my shoes and blazer. I then proceeded into the bathroom, cleaned myself up, and found something comfortable to put on. Finally, I lay across the bed, trying to rest my nerves. I still felt pretty weak, but my mind raced back and forth, hoping that I wouldn’t have to be hospitalized away from home. What an ordeal that would be. My parents would be worried sick, hopping on a plane immediately, and I didn’t want them going through so much trouble.
I relaxed for maybe an hour but the problem occurred when I tried to stand up. I felt dizzier than I had earlier, and without warning, I fell to the floor. I tried to lift my body up, but I couldn’t. I tried again and again until finally I just decided to lie there. I prayed that God would take care of me and that it wasn’t my time to die.
When I stood up and sat on the side of the bed and saw that it was four o’clock, I realized that I must have passed out or something. But the thing is I felt stronger because of it. Admittedly, I wasn’t my old self, but I didn’t feel as bad as before. Yet I decided it was time to call Charisse to see what she advised. I’d told Whitney bits and pieces of what I’d been experiencing, but I hadn’t shared anything with Charisse because I knew she was going to chastise me. She would insist how irresponsible it was for anyone to bypass seeing a doctor when they knew something was probably wrong with them. So until now I hadn’t wanted to hear it, but after obviously falling unconscious, I really didn’t have much choice.
I dialed her number but knew it might be hard getting in touch with her, especially if she was in surgery.
“This is Karen,” a woman said.
“Hi, is Charisse Richardson available?”
“She just walked down the hallway, but can you hold?”
“Sure.”
I switched the phone from one ear to the other and flipped on the television. I waited two minutes before Charisse answered.
“Hey, girl,” I said. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No, actually, I don’t have to go back into surgery for another hour. We’ve already done three but we still have two more to go. But hey, how’s the West Coast?”
“Beautiful as usual, but to be honest, I haven’t felt well since I got here.”
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“I’ve been bleeding way too much and now I’m having dizzy spells.”
“Oh no. When did this start?”
I could tell she was already hyped up.
“Well, the bleeding has been going on for months, but I assumed it would get better.”
“Why would you assume something like that? I mean, if you haven’t always experienced heavy bleeding, then you had to know something was wrong, right?”
“Maybe, but when I had the dizziness today, I knew I needed to see someone.”
“Well, it’s my guess that you haven’t been taking those iron pills that your doctor prescribed for you. Am I right?”
I was already wishing that I hadn’t called her. Charisse was one of my best friends, but she always knew how to get under my skin. She did the same thing with Whitney, but for some reason we kept tolerating her year after year. We’d been doing it since college and maybe it was because we’d always been able to depend on her when we needed to. She was more critical and judgmental than we liked, but we still loved her like a sister.
“Taylor?” she said when I didn’t answer her question.
“No, actually, I haven’t been taking them. I keep meaning to, but it just hasn’t worked out that way.”
“Then the dizziness is all your fault. Because you and I both know that when a person suffers from anemia, they need to take their medication.”
“I realize that, Charisse, but what I need you to do now is refer me to a good gynecologist. Mine is no longer in town so I need to find a new one.”
“Dr. Green is one of the best, and if you want I can get his number.”
“You go to him, too, right?” I said, picking up the pen from the nightstand, preparing to jot down his information.
“Yes, as do quite a few other nurses on staff here,” she said, and recited all seven digits.
“Is the area code 7-7-3?”
“Yes. His office is only two blocks away from the hospital. And when you call him, tell the receptionist that you are out of town with an urgent situation and that I thought you should speak to Dr. Green directly.”
“Will he be okay with that?”
“He’ll be fine. He’s one of the nicest doctors I know and he has the best bedside manner.”
“Sounds good. I’ll call you back later to let you know what he said.”
“Make sure you do.”
“I will. Talk to you later.”
I pressed the button and dialed the number Charisse had given me.
“Covington Obstetrics and Gynecology,” someone answered.
“Hi. I’m a good friend of Charisse Richardson’s and she suggested that I call and speak to Dr. Green. I’m out of town with a pretty urgent medical problem and I really need some advice.”
“Your name?”
“Taylor Hunt.”
“Let me see if he’s available. Please hold.”
I sighed when I tried to imagine what that idiot Skyler was going to say when he learned that I hadn’t been able to attend most of the legal sessions after all. He was my worst rival and neither of us made any excuses for not liking each other. Skyler disliked me mainly because he thought I was way too career-minded to be a woman and because he felt that only men should be assigned certain high-profile cases. I disliked him because he was a male chauvinist and was ridiculously arrogant. I also disliked him because he was one of the most attractive men I’d ever seen. I, of course, would never tell him that, but I couldn’t deny what the truth was.
“Ms. Hunt, this is Dr. Green,” the voice said.
“Thank you so much for speaking with me. I won’t take up too much of your time, but I do need some advice.”
“No problem at all. What can I do for you?”
“I’ve been bleeding pretty heavily for quite a few months, and this afternoon I became dizzy and then passed out.”
“Have you had dizziness before?”
“No. Not really.”
“Have you had any problems with anemia?”
“Yes.”
“For how long?”
“Almost ten years.”
“Are you taking any meds for it?”
“Well, actually, no. I have a prescription for iron, but I haven’t taken it like I should.”
“Then, that’s probably where the dizziness came from. Are you also feeling weak?”
“Yes. Very.”
“My receptionist said that you were out of town, but do you have any pills with you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Who’s your primary care physician?”
“Dr. Cilletti.”
“Well, what you need to do is call her up and ask her to prescribe just enough iron to get you through the weekend so that you can begin taking it this evening. And hopefully that will help you at least some. Then, when you’re back, I’d like to see you regarding the heavy bleeding that you’re experiencing. I’d like to do a complete exam and any tests that I think are necessary.”
“I appreciate that, and I’ll be sure to make an appointment sometime next week.”
“You take care of yourself.”
“Thanks again, Doctor.”
I felt so stupid. I mean what did all of this really say about me as a person? Knowing that I had a problem, knowing that I had prescribed medication yet I didn’t even have the intelligence to take it? I didn’t like the way Charisse sometimes talked down to me, but she’d been right when she’d said that my recent symptoms were all my fault. And then there was this whole idea of not seeing a doctor and pretending that nothing was wrong with me. Pretending that changing sanitary products every hour on the hour was somehow completely normal.
Now I wondered how I’d been able to breeze through Yale Law School as if it were nothing but didn’t seem to have the sense enough to seek medical attention. My grandmother, God rest her soul, had always talked about people who had book sense but no common sense, and I was ashamed to say that maybe I had fallen into that category. Because the truth was I knew better. I knew that the earlier you caught cancer, the better your chances were of surviving it. I didn’t know if I had cancer or not, but who was I to take a chance on it? Who was I to decide that my bleeding just wasn’t that serious?
But when it was all said and done, I knew that I wasn’t stupid and that I certainly had my share of common sense. I knew that my hesitation toward seeing a doctor had everything to do with fear. I was scared to death that I really did have a terminal illness. Sure, I knew it might simply be endometriosis or some other common disease, but my pessimistic thoughts were forcing me to think otherwise. I was known to be a true optimist when it came to family, my career, and life in general, but when it came to sickness, I’d always thought the worst. Even as a small girl I’d always assumed that a slight headache definitely meant I had a brain tumor. I assumed that any ache or pain was a sign that I needed emergency surgery.
But as I grew older, gained a lot more wisdom, and experienced life specifically on life’s terms, those particular thoughts began to cease. I no longer worried about what horrible thing could or might happen to me. I never worried about anything like that until now. But starting today, I was going to do whatever I had to do in order to find out what was ailing me. I would do whatever it took to get well.
W
HITNEY?”
Charisse said when I answered the phone.
“Did you know that Taylor was having all these bleeding problems?”
“No,” I lied, and didn’t even flinch because I never told any of Taylor’s business to anyone. Not even Charisse. We were all best friends, supposedly, but the fact that Charisse regularly judged both of us whenever she had the opportunity was reason enough for me not to tell her anything. Plus, I enjoyed knowing something that she didn’t. I wasn’t sure why, but it probably had something to do with her constantly acting like she knew everything.
“Well, she called me today, saying that she’d been having dizzy spells and that she’d been bleeding real heavy for a long time.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and it’s up to you and me to make sure that she goes to see her doctor. And can you believe she hasn’t been taking her iron medication? I mean, that’s just crazy.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s crazy, because there have been many times that I’ve stopped taking medicine way before my doctor told me to.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t taking any medicine that you’ll probably need for the rest of your life. Taylor knows that she’s anemic and that she can’t do without it, but for some reason it’s no big deal to her.”
We were barely two minutes into the conversation and Charisse was already getting on my nerves. She was sounding too much like she was badmouthing Taylor behind her back, and I wasn’t going to continue listening to her. Although to be fair, I must say that, knowing Charisse, she probably wasn’t saying anything she wouldn’t say straight to Taylor’s face, but I still didn’t like what I was hearing.
“I’ll have to call her when we hang up,” I said, hinting that I wanted to end our conversation.
“I hope you do. And I hope you tell her how irresponsible she is for blowing off her health condition. And if that man of hers was worth anything, he would see that she took better care of herself.”
“Charisse, please. Taylor is the last person you should be calling irresponsible. And as far as I can tell, Cameron is a good person. So, let’s talk about something else.”
“Okay, then let’s talk about you and the fact that you’re not doing a single thing to lose any of that weight. I mean, we’re talking at least a hundred pounds, Whitney. And you know how dangerous obesity is because I’ve told you a thousand times about all the health problems you’re setting yourself up for. I mean, what is it going to take? A heart attack? A stroke? What?”
“You know, Charisse, most of us do the best that we can and not everybody can be as flawless as you are.”
“Meaning what? Because I’ve never said that I was perfect. But at the same time, I want you and Taylor to do the right thing. I don’t want to lose either of you before it’s time.”
“Well, you’ve said yourself that God has all of our destinies determined and that’s what I believe, too. So, the bottom line is that we’re not going to die until it’s time for us to anyway.”
“Maybe. But the Bible also says that we ourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in us. And that if anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him for God’s temple is sacred and we are that temple.”
Good grief. I’d known it was just a matter of time before Charisse doused me with a few of her favorite scriptures. She always did this when she couldn’t get me to agree with what she was saying. But today, I had my own scripture ready and waiting.
“The Bible also says that he who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“Do I have to tell you? Because I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I can’t believe you would even bring that up.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have, Charisse, but I get so tired of you judging Taylor and me. Maybe you mean well, but when you say some of the things you say, it sounds like you never do anything wrong and that we’re basically a couple of heathens.”
“But you know that’s not true. And if I offended you, I’m really sorry. God forgive me.”
She did this all the time, too. Saying she was sorry and then asking God to forgive her for stuff she was certainly going to do again. She was so predictable.
“Don’t even worry about it,” I said. “And as a matter of fact, let me get off of here so that I can call and check on Taylor.”
“Tell her to call me later, okay?”
“I will.”
“And Charisse, I’m really sorry that I upset you.”
“Like I said. Don’t even worry about it.”
“Talk to you later.”
I hung up and smiled. I wasn’t a cruel person, not by a long shot, but I loved reminding Charisse about her skeletons—those that were dangling silently and eternally. I loved reminding her that I knew a whole lot more about her than even Marvin, Taylor, or any of her church members did.
Of course, I would never tell another living soul for as long as I lived.
Not when Charisse was one of my very best friends.
I would never tell another living soul unless she forced me to.