Certified Disaster (Beautiful Mess Book 2) (24 page)

Cole had frozen, shock and something
like shame on his face.  She half expected him to deny her accusations, but he
didn’t even attempt to.  Her illusions were crumbling around her, and she only
had a few more minutes before her emotions pushed through her barrier of
numbness to consume her.

“I loved you, Cole.  I loved you so
wholly and completely that I couldn’t see that you never really loved me back,
at least not the way that I loved you.  I would’ve done anything for you, given
you anything, given up everything for you.  But you were never willing to do
that for me.  You were my first and my only, in every sense of the word.  If
you really loved me, you would know that.  There’s never been anyone but you. 
I thought you could give that back to me, but I was wrong.”

He opened his mouth to say
something, but she stopped him.  She didn’t want to hear any more.

“I can’t forgive you for what you’ve
done.  Not just for sleeping with Jillian, but for making me believe that I was
special, that you were different, that what we had was precious, and beautiful,
and unbreakable.  I can’t forgive you for making me believe that you loved me,
that you felt about me the way I felt about you.  I can
’
t
ever forgive you for offering me a future that was nothing but a lie.”

“Bri, that’s not…
You have to know
that I…”
Cole
stuttered. 

She turned away, unable to hear
anything over the pounding of her heart.  The ramifications of what was
happening were going to catch up to her any minute, and she needed to leave
before she broke down.

“No, Cole.  I don’t know anything
anymore,”
she
replied sadly and moved to the door.  “One of these days you’ll realize the
truth.  And when you do, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself for how
things have turned out.  We could’ve taken on the world together.  I believed
that.  I believed in you, and in us.  I never would’ve stopped fighting for
you.  But, I see now that I was fighting for something that never existed in
the first place.  And I was fighting alone.  I never stood a chance.”

“Bri,”
he moved to her.

“Goodbye, Cole.”
 
She stepped out
the door and closed it behind her, not even allowing herself a last glance at
the boy she had loved like no one else.

As she stumbled home, she was devastated
that her heart wasn’t demanding that she go back to Cole and try to salvage
what they had.  Her heart, which usually begged and pleaded for him, was dead. 
It was consigned to the fact that it was truly over between them.  Tears fell
down her cheeks as she felt herself crumble into a million irreparable pieces. 
She fell onto her bed, grief and pain taking her breath away.  She couldn’t
even cry, only gasp desperately for relief that was not going to come. 

Vaguely, she heard knocking on her
door, heard voices speaking to her, felt arms wrap around her.  But she couldn’t
process anything but the huge chasm where her heart used to be, and the
constant stream of anguish that poured from it.  She knew that she would carry
this gaping void in her chest for the rest of her life; nothing would be able
to fill it, or repair the damage that had been done.  She knew that from that
day on she would never be whole again.  She would only be half of herself, the
other half hopelessly lost to a boy who couldn’t give her half of himself
back.  She’d been a fool to think that he could.  Now she would forever pay for
her dire lack of judgment. 

Cole was the biggest mistake she had
ever made.  And the fallout from that mistake would be nothing short of
complete and utter devastation.

Hours, or days, later a new voice
finally managed to pierce through the fog of pain that surrounded her.  A warm
hand slid soothingly up and down her arm.  She rolled over, blinking her eyes
into focus, and saw warm, light blue eyes looking down at her.

“There you are,”
Matt smiled sadly. 
“For a while there, I wasn’t sure you’d be able to pull yourself back.”

Bri just looked up at him,
confused.  “Matt?  What are you doing here?”

“Stacie called me.  She was
frantic.  She and Steph and Addi couldn’t get you out of your comatose state. 
They knew that something horrible had happened, but they didn’t know what, or
how to help.  So Stace called me, hoping I might be able to snap you out of it.”
 

“Oh.  Um, thanks?”

Matt laughed and helped her sit up. 
Bri knew she must look like a train wreck, but she couldn’t bring herself to
care.

“You going to be okay now?  You’re
not going to go all catatonic on me again, are you?”
Matt gave her a pointed, worried look.

Bri tried to smile, to reassure
him.  “I can’t guarantee anything right now, but I think I’m okay.”
 
She didn’t feel
okay.  She didn’t feel anything remotely close to okay.  But she didn’t want to
worry her friends any more than she already had.

“Okay.”
 
He leaned in and kissed her
forehead.  “Just, please, don’t scare me like that again.  She’s okay now,”
he turned and
called out into the hall behind him.  “You guys can come in.”

Bri gave him a confused look, but
then Stacie, Stephanie, and Addison came swarming into her room.  They
surrounded her on the bed, pushing a chuckling Matt out of the way,  and
embraced her.

“We were so worried,”
Stephanie had tears
shining in her eyes.  “Don’t ever do that again.”

Bri nodded and smiled. 

“I see you’re in good hands now, so
I’ll leave you to them,”
Matt waved goodbye to her. 

His eyes fell on Stacie for a moment
before he ducked out of the door.  Bri watched as Stacie kept looking at the
spot where Matt had left, long after he’d disappeared.  Snapping herself out of
whatever she was thinking, she turned back to Bri.

Leaning heavily on the comfort of
her friends, Bri managed to make it through the next couple of days.  A couple
of days after that, she actually managed to leave her dorm room.  Getting back
into her regular routine took a lot of effort,
all
her effort, since all
she really wanted to do was stay curled up in her bed forever, but she pushed
her way through.  She managed to avoid Cole, though she still caught glimpses
of him every once in a while.  She was hoping that he would be as devastated as
she was, but he barely looked affected at all.  It made her hate him.

Matt, who
’
d
been waiting patiently for her to pull herself together, stopped by to finally
find out what had sent her spiraling into depression.  And she was depressed,
more deeply than she could ever remember being.  She told him what had
happened, the reason Cole had punched him that day, and what she’d finally
realized.  By the time she finished, he was angry and outraged.  He promised he’d
try to talk to Cole, to get him to believe the truth, but Bri didn’t hold out
any hope that Cole would change his mind.  It wouldn’t change things between
them even if he did.      

Friday night was a home game for the
basketball team, and Bri was on the verge of another emotional breakdown.  Not
only would it be impossible to avoid Cole when she cheered, Jillian had seen to
it that Bri would be cheering right next to the team’s bench, only a few feet
away from him.  She didn’t know if she could do it.

The second thing she noticed as she
entered the stadium was Lynette and Carl sitting a few rows behind the Duke
bench.  The first thing she noticed, of course, was Cole, doing his best to
pretend that she wasn’t there.  Lynette saw her and a vicious smirk crossed her
lips.  She wasn’t holding back the fact that she was thrilled that Bri was out
of Cole’s life.  It was something Lynette had been pushing for since the day
Bri had met her.  Unwilling to let that foul woman get to her, Bri steeled her
nerves, pasted a cheerful smile on her face, and did her best to ignore Cole’s
glowering and Lynette’s smirking.

Bri fought through the game, doing
her best to pretend that nothing was wrong.  But at the end of the game,
Jillian came bouncing up to Cole and threw her arms around him.  He stiffened,
but didn’t pull away.  She smiled up at him and said something to him, then
leaned over the bench to shake Lynette’s and Carl’s hands.  Bri saw Lynette
smile at Jillian, the first genuine smile she had seen from that woman, and her
stomach bottomed out.  Cole just stood there as Jillian schmoozed his parents,
and then gave him a long kiss.  Bri’s blood turned to ice, and for a moment she
couldn't breathe.

“Hey, you okay?”
 
Matt came up and
stood beside her, his eyes on Cole and Jillian.

“I want to hurt him.  I want to hurt
them both,”
she
hissed between her teeth.

Matt glanced over at her and raised
an eye brow.  “Are we talking hurt as in dismembering them, or hurt as in
getting some pay back.  Because,”
he flashed her a wicked grin, “I’m always good for revenge sex.”

“Shut up,”
she shoved him, but couldn’t help her
smile.  “I’m not using sex to get back at him.  I’m not a slut, and I refuse to
stoop to his level.  But, I think I know a way to cause him a little pain and
anguish of his own.”
 
The corner of her mouth lifted and her eyes gleamed wickedly.  She
rather liked the idea of making Cole suffer.

“Wow,”
Matt shook his head.  “Remind me never to get on your bad side.  I don’t
think I want to experience your kind of pay back.  Good luck,”
he winked at her
and headed off to the locker room.

Bri glared as Cole and Jillian
laughed it up with his mom and stepdad.  Cole looked so cool, so unaffected and
unfazed.  She’d see if she couldn’t crack that unflappable demeanor.

And she had a pretty good idea of
how to do it.

The next Monday Bri called Daymon. 
She was expecting to get his voicemail, so when he actually answered, it threw
her off.

“Oh, hi Daymon.  It’s me, uh, Bri,”
she floundered.

“Hi Bri!  What’s up?”
 

“Oh, um,”
she suddenly had no idea how to ask
this.  “I was just calling to see if you still needed models.  Um, nude models,
for your class.”
 
She
felt her face flush with embarrassment, and she really hoped she didn’t sound
like too much of an idiot. 

Daymon had mentioned before
Christmas that he was looking for nude models for his classes, if that was
something she’d be interested in.  At the time she didn’t even consider it. 
But now…
It
seemed like a great way to get back at Cole without having to damage her sense
of self-worth.

“Oh.  I actually managed to get all
my slots filled.”

“Oh.”
 
Bri’s heart fell.  She was oddly disappointed.  “Okay, then.”

“But,”
he interjected, “I am looking for a model along those lines for a couple
of personal pieces I’m doing.  If you’d be interested, I’d love to use you.”

“Really?”
she smiled.  “I have to warn you
though.  I’ve never done anything like this before.  You might regret it.”

“Are you kidding?  You’re a
natural.  And don’t worry, we won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.  You’ll
have full control.  You can even bring a friend with you, if you’d like.  I
should tell you that these pieces will be part of the portfolio I’ll be
submitting for the show at the end of the semester.  So, if you don’t feel
comfortable with being on display, I’ll totally understand.”

“Oh, no, that won’t be a problem at
all.”
 
In
fact, Bri was hoping she would be on display.  Right where Cole could see her.

“So, you in?”
 
She could hear the smile in Daymon’s
deep voice.

“Definitely.”

“Great!  I’ll have my assistant call
to schedule at time to meet and go over my ideas.  We’ll put together a plan,
and go from there. Okay?”

“Okay.  I guess I’ll talk to you
later.”

“Sounds good.  Thanks, Bri.  You’ll
be perfect for what I have in mind.”

Bri hung up, a smirk on her face. 
The playing field between her and Cole was about to get a little more even. 
She couldn
’
t wait to see his reaction.  Cole would be
pissed when he found out she’d be posing for Daymon.  He didn’t like Daymon,
and had always complained that he flirted with Bri.  Unfortunately, it looked
like she’d have to wait a couple months for her full revenge.  Oh well.  She
could still cause Cole some pain by telling a few key people that she would be
posing nude for Daymon, people she knew might mention it to him.

The next month passed in a blur of
avoiding Cole when she could, and glaring at him when she couldn’t.  They did
their best trying to one-up each other in the disgust and disdain department. 
It seemed like their new goal in life was to be as nasty as possible to each
other.

Bri tried not to let anyone know,
but she was pathetically miserable.  She had to force herself out of bed every
day, and the things she used to look forward to and enjoy were now just
obstacles to overcome.  She felt broken and sad, the flood of grief and pain
sweeping in and out like the tide, leaving her empty and hollow and raw all the
time.  Of course, she hid all of this from everyone around her, using her anger
as a shield.  She used that anger to rebuild the protective walls around her
heart, walls she was determined would never come down again.  Those walls kept
her despair and heartache at bay for the most part, but every once in a while
they would crack, and she’d be a sobbing, useless mess until she could gather
up enough strength to rebuild those walls again.

She posed for Daymon, impressed and
excited about the vision he had for her.  He had collaborated with some
students from the drama department, and had a whole scene laid out for her. 
She soon realized that she wasn’t quite capable of the whole full nudity thing,
so Daymon and his assistants came up with some variations that would make her
feel more comfortable, while still preserving his vision.  Surprisingly, she
had a great time, and wasn’t as self-conscious as she thought she’d be.  She wouldn’t
get to see the final product until the student art show later that year, but
she really hoped Daymon’s paintings of her turned out as beautifully as they’d
planned. 

The session lasted a few hours, and
after all the sketches and pictures were done, she changed back into her
clothes.  As she was getting ready to leave, Daymon pulled her over.

“You did fabulous today, Bri.  Thank
you so much for all your help.”
 
He smiled at her, his dark eyes shining.

“You’re welcome.  I can’t wait to
see how it all turns out.”

“So,”
he hedged, “I take it since Marra didn’t come with you today to
supervise, you two aren’t together anymore?”

“Why would you say that?”
 
She ignored the
gut check she got when he mentioned Cole.

“Come on.  Any boyfriend worth his
salt would never let his girlfriend pose nude without being there to make sure
nothing untoward happened,”
Daymon smiled.  “If you two were still together, Cole would’ve been here
fuming, and sulking, and probably yelling at me all afternoon.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
 
Bri forced a
smile.  “No, we’re not together anymore.  We broke up a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,”
he replied softly. 
“Are you…
Would
you mind if…”
 
He
cleared his throat nervously.  “Could I maybe give you a call sometime?  We
could go get dinner or something.”

He smiled dashingly at her, and for
a moment Bri’s heart lifted.  It was nice to feel desired again.  She liked
Daymon, and she knew they’d have a good time together, but she couldn’t lead
him on.  Even if she wanted to start something new, which she didn’t, there
wasn’t anything left of her to give him.  And that wouldn’t be fair to him.

“I’m sorry,”
she smiled sadly, “but I can’t.  It’s
still too soon.  I’m still trying to work through everything, trying to move
on, but it’s taking some time.”

“I understand,”
he gave her a half
smile.  “But if you ever change your mind, my offer stands.”

“Thanks, Daymon.  You deserve
someone better anyway,”
she pushed his arm.  “Someone who isn’t so mopey and sad all the time.”

“Yeah, but maybe I like the mopey
ones,”
he
teased.  “I’ll see you around, Bri.”

March arrived, cold and blustery,
and the basketball team was headed to the NCAA tournament.  Bri was picked to
be part of the cheer/dance squad that would travel with the team throughout the
tournament.  Under normal circumstances, she would’ve been ecstatic to go, but
not this year.  She couldn’t do it.  It might literally kill her.  It had taken
every ounce of strength she possessed to make it through the regular season,
cheering next to Cole as he loathed and hated her.  She’d tried to feign
happiness and excitement as she cheered, but the black hole in her heart seemed
to trap any happy emotions she had down deep, beyond reach, and she couldn’t
always fake it.  Her dance team director, Tanya, had even pulled her aside and
told her to get her act together, or she wouldn’t be on the team much longer. 
Which was why Bri was shocked that Tanya picked her to go to the tournament at
all.  Knowing she was already on thin ice, Bri made up an excuse about a fake
injury, and said she wouldn’t be able to go.  Tanya was mad, but what could she
do.  She picked someone else to join Stacie, Stephanie, Jillian, and the team
captains.

Jillian was the other reason Bri
turned down the tournament.  She couldn’t tell if Jillian and Cole were
actually dating, but Jillian was physically attached to Cole at every
opportunity, and she never missed a chance to flaunt it in Bri’s face.  Bri was
tired of seeing them together, tired of dealing with the hurt and jealousy that
always accompanied being around either of them.  Even though Bri told herself
she didn’t care what Cole and Jillian did, that they deserved each other and
all the misery that came with that, she still couldn’t stand the sight of them
together.  Her heart was already a pile of shattered pieces lying in the bottom
of her chest, and every time she had to watch them together, it ground up
another piece, turning it to dust.  At the rate things were going, she soon
wouldn’t have a heart left.

The tournament progressed, and the
Blue Devils made it to the championship game.  The entire Duke campus was
buzzing with basketball mania.  The school opened up the stadium and
broadcasted the game live on the jumbo screens in the middle of the court.  The
whole arena was filled with excited students, faculty, and anyone else who
could procure a ticket. 

Bri sat with the rest of the dance
team, unable to get out of this required event.  She couldn’t help but watch Cole
the whole time.  He was focused and intense. 

The team was playing as well as they
had all year, and Jordan gave Cole a high five after making a great shot.  Cole
had become quite the Jordan groupie lately, and the two of them were
practically inseparable these days.  It made Bri sad for all Cole could’ve done
and accomplished if his mom and Jordan hadn’t interfered with his plans, sad
for what they could’ve been together. 

So, while the stadium erupted around
her as Duke won the national championship, Bri sat stoically in her seat,
unable to summon any joy or excitement, grieving the future she and Cole could
have had.  As soon as she was given permission to leave, she walked back to her
dorm and climbed into bed, incapable of celebrating with the rest of the
campus.

Two days later, the campus was
thrumming with excitement again, as they welcomed home their championship
basketball team.  Again, Bri was required to be there, to smile, clap, cheer,
and show support for the team.   

Cole wouldn’t even look her way
during the small ceremony the high-ups had put together for the occasion.  He
smiled grandly as he helped hoist up the trophy with the rest of the team and
the photographers went crazy.  He stayed and signed autographs, giving everyone
who came up his full attention and dazzling smile.  But he wouldn’t even spare
Bri a glance.

He had plenty of attention for
Jillian, who hovered around him the entire time, and for Lynette, who’d
apparently made the trip down for the celebration.  Both Lynette and Jillian
had no problem gracing Bri with a constant stream of smug glares.  Not that Bri
really cared what they thought of her.  But it still stung that Cole would
shower his attention on two horrible women who didn’t deserve an ounce of it,
while he loathed and ignored her.   

That was how screwed up things had
become.  And for the life of her, Bri couldn’t figure out how things had turned
out this way. 

A couple of days later, there was
more buzzing around campus when Jordan and Cole announced they were going to
have a joint press conference.  Bri watched on TV as Cole and Jordan announced
that they would both be entering the NBA draft that summer.  She had been
expecting it, but she’d always hoped that Cole would stick to his original plan
to finish school first.  But, looking at the people surrounding him, Bri
realized that he never stood a chance.

Carl and Lynette stood to one side
of him.  Lynette had her hand placed possessively on Cole’s shoulder, and a
victorious grin split her face.  Even Carl was grinning, and Bri realized that
was the first time she’d seen an emotion other than bored indifference on his
face.  On the other side of Cole, Jillian beamed at the crowd and cameras, her
hand also possessively on Cole’s other shoulder.  She leaned down to give Cole
a kiss, blatantly marking her territory, and Bri cringed. 

Jordan sat at the table next to
Cole, his own entourage grouped behind him, and the two traded smiles, jabs,
and jokes as they answered the reporters
’
questions.  One reporter asked which of them they thought would go first in the
draft, and they even shared a bro hug as they replied that it didn’t matter who
went first, they were both just hoping for the best.  Bri wanted to gag.

There was one person missing from
the panel, and Bri’s heart fell when she realized that Jimmy wasn’t there. 
Whether or not he’d been invited, she didn’t know, but it seemed a small
tragedy that he wasn’t there with Cole.  Jimmy had been the one who had raised
and supported Cole his whole life.  He had far more right to be up there than
Lynette and Carl, who were only there for money. 

Unable to take any more, Bri turned
off the TV.  She really hoped that Lynette hadn’t pushed Jimmy out of Cole’s
life, too.

The weeks passed, and everyone
turned their attention to finals and the end of the year.  Bri couldn’t wait to
get home and away from Duke.  Knowing that Cole wouldn’t be back next year left
her feeling both sad and relieved.  Relieved because with the way things were
between them, she knew she couldn’t do this for another year.  She could barely
function now.  Having to keep facing him day after day would kill her.  It was
very apparent that one of them would have to go, and she would much rather it
be him.  She hoped that some distance between them would help her to heal and
move on. 

But a small part of her was also
incredibly sad.  He’d been in her life for so long now, she wasn’t sure what
life would look like without him.  She couldn’t help but wish that this all
could’ve turned out differently. 

Unfortunately, she couldn’t change
the past, and she had no desire to pursue a future with the stranger Cole had
become.  Her only option was to let him go.