Authors: Cynthia White
“Who?”
h
e repeated, this time grabbin
g
my arm and damn near snatchin
g
me up out of my seated position.
“I ain’t fuckin’ nobody.” I snatched by bruised arm back and took a moment to compose myself. My temper was tryin
g
to get the best of me, but I wouldn’t let it. I took a deep breath and continued to try and have a logical conversation with a very illogical human being. “I just want my life back. That’s all.”
“Life
? W
hat fuckin’ life?” Boss began to prepare his venom to spit in my face. “You ain’t have shit before you met me. Ya’ll was broke as hell
,
eatin’ bologna seven days a week and heatin
’
up the house with the muthafuckin’ oven.”
“You’re right
,
” I agreed with him. “We were poor, but we were happy.”
“Fuck all this dumb shit.” He dismissed me and my feelings like he had so many times before. “I wanna see my daughters.”
“They’re sleepin’.”
“You can’t cut me outta they lives.” He jumped up all rowdy and amped
,
like he was preparin
g
for battle. “You think I’m just gonna let you take
‘
em away from me?”
“Boss, I would never try and take them away from you. You’re their father. They love you.”
“Do you?” He broke my heart with just two little words. “You don’t love me no more, Meesh?”
That was exactly why I didn’t want to let him inside in the first place
: h
e didn’t fight fair. My heart was always his prime target
; h
e knew that was where I was
the
weakest
,
so that’s where he hit hardest. I couldn’t keep my love and admiration for him separate from my pain. They all merged into one big emotion that I couldn’t control.
“I think you should leave now
,
” I suggested in a voice so low and broken
,
I wasn’t even sure he heard it. “Please just leave?”
“And go where?”
“Go home, Boss.” My desperation escaped through my pleas for mercy. “Go home.”
“I ain’t
got
no fuckin’ home
!
” His yell damn near shook the entire house. “Ain’t no home without you or without my kids.”
Before I was even aware enough to know what I was doin
g,
I had my arms around him. It killed me to see him hurtin
g
like that. All I wanted to do was make him feel bettert k feel b
-
even if that meant making myself feel worse. I looked up into his eyes and saw a reflection of a broken young woman. She didn’t know what to do or where to go. That young woman was me. I was so confused. How do you let somebody go that makes you feel more alive than you
’ve
ever felt in your entire life? How does that feeling not haunt you at night? How do you move on when you really want to stay put? There were too many questions, too many
“
what ifs.
”
But the scariest one of all had to be
:
what if I never felt with anyone else the things I felt with Boss? What if I never got that high again?
The sensation runnin
g
through my body was insane. My breasts were pressed firmly up against his chest in an all
-
too
-
familiar way. I wanted him to push me down on the couch and fuck me like he use
d
to. Then when it was over
,
he
’
d apologize for every hurtful thing he ever said to
me
. We
’
d live happily ever after in our beautiful home with our two adorable daughters
, e
verything would be all sunshine and roses
,
and there would never again be a cloud over our blue sky
...t
hat's what I wanted more than anything
-
but that's not what I got.
“Meesh, don't make me do somethin’ I don't wanna do.” Boss’ voice sounded like a stranger
’
s
; i
t was cold and emotionless. Where was his head? What was he referring to? I couldn't breathe. I knew he wouldn’t hurt the girls. Maybe he was threatenin
g
me. After everything we’d been through, all the love, the pain, the good times and bad, was he really go
ing to
let it end on a note like that
...?
“Boss, we
...
” I shivered
,
“we can work out a
...
a custody arrangement
...
that’s good for everybody.”
With that,
I fucked up big time. That was the worst mistake I could have made
:
show
ing
fear. A man like Boss knew how to take advantage of that. He was a mental warrior. He would never hit me. Slaps and punches weren't his style
; i
nstead
,
he
’
d give me verbal lashings. Humiliation and self
-
doubt could keep even the strongest woman in shackles
, and
I was no exception to the rule.
“Fuck a custody arrangement!” His words pierced my flesh like a razor-sharp dagger. “Go get the girls
,
and let’s take
‘
em home.”
“I can’t do that.” I tried one last time to find my inner strength. His words and his actions were confusin
g
the shit out of me. I just wanted him to love me the way that I loved him. I didn’t want there to be any other women. Why did he even need them? I tried my best to give him everything, my love, my whole heart, my body
,
and my soul. I kept wishing that one day it would
be
good enough, but that day never came. My love wasn’t enough to satisfy him. I wanted to set his ass on fire so that I didn’t havedayidn’t to stand there and burn all by myself.
“Oh, you can’t do that, huh?” He was at his sarcastic best. “You can’t do that for me
,
Meesh?”
H
e didn’t even bother to wait for my response. When he walked out of the room
,
I knew exactly where he was headed. Angie was at school, but her room wasn’t vacant. I cursed myself for opening the door in the first place.
What the hell was I thinking?
“You comin’ or not?”
H
e breezed past me with Malaysia sleepin
g
across one of his shoulders and Mariah sleepin
g
across the other. “
’
Cause either way
,
we out.”
I didn’t want to leave with him, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. One way or the other
,
he was leavin
g
out the door with our daughters. I could either stand by and watch
,
or I could put on my shoes, grab my purse and other belongings
,
and go with them.
Of course, I chose the latter.
In the truck,
I realized something tragic
:
I wasn’t in control of my own life. I hadn’t been since I was fifteen years old. Boss meant well, but by takin
g
care of everyone around him
,
he was also demanding an absurd amount of control over their lives. What if I decided to leave him and he decided to stop helping my mother
?
She couldn’t make it without that help, not without me or Anthony around. My decision was made
:
I would do whatever I had to do for my family
- e
ven
if it meant
suffer
ing
silently as my young life passed me by.
Chapter 34
“Where ya’ll goin
’
tonight?” Boss questioned
me and
Kylee as soon as he saw the way we were dressed. “You tryin’ to catch something
,
Meesh?”
He didn
’
t approve of the sexy li
tt
l
e
low
-
cut Emilio Pucci dress I was wearin
g, and t
he look on his face blew that book wide open
; t
oo bad I didn’t care. I ignored him and his li
tt
l
e
disapproving look. That night wasn’t about Boss. It wasn’t even about our daughters. It was about my girl knowing that I needed to get away for a few hours and makin
g
it happen. Kylee didn’t give a fuck
; s
he wasn’t about to leave that house without me.
“We goin’ to Elite
,
” I told him while doin
g
my best Beyonc
é
booty bounce. “Nelly’s holdin’ auditions tonight for his new video.” My joke didn
’
t go over too well
;
Boss and Pee-Wee looked at us like we were crazy. Kylee couldn’t hold a straight face for shit
, and s
he laughed so hard
,
it spread to me
-
bu anan>
ere it ended.
“I’m glad ya’ll think ya’ll funny.” My husband just shook his head from side to side like we made no sense to him whatsoever. “You need to go and find the rest of that dress
...
why you up in here tryin’ to be Sommore
?
”
Sommore was my favorite female comedian. Monique wasn’t far behind. I watched their comedy shows all the time. Laughin
g
was the only way I could keep from cryin
g
. I knew that once I started
,
I wouldn’t be able to stop. Tonight
,
the club was having their generic version of Queens of Comedy. I knew there would
n’t
be
any
Sommores or Moniques, but I hoped I could at least get a few laughs out of it. So
,
I put my makeup on to cover my war wounds and headed out in search of a temporary fix for my permanent problems.
“I know
you
ain’t tryin’ to catch nothin’?” Pee-Wee asked Kylee as his eyes inspected her skin
-
tight jeans and low
-
cut blouse.
“Baby, I already caught what I was fishin
’
for
,
”
s
he said
,
then sealed it with a kiss tossed in his direction. “I already got my
B
ig
D
addy.”
Pee-Wee laughed. He was just a big ol
’
teddy bear when it came to Kylee. He treated her with the u
t
most respect
; t
hey never fought. Our relationships couldn’t have been more different. Boss and I were fightin
g
all the time. If we weren’t fightin
g,
we were fuckin
g – and t
hat was the only time we seemed to get along
...t
hat
,
and when we were sleepin
g
.
“I need some weed.” I put my hand out in front of Boss like I was his daughter waiting for my allowance. “Either give it to me
,
or I’ma drive down to the hood and get some myself.”
I knew exactly how to work him. Bein
g
nice got me nowhere
; h
e liked bitches
,
so a bitch I became. When I was nice and sweet
,
he couldn’t see me
-
but when I was in Boss Bitch mode
,
his eyes were wide open.
“Look in the safe in the den.” Boss gave in reluctantly. “You know the combo.”