Authors: Cynthia White
Chapter 38
Boss
Meesha died in my arms. It happened so fuckin
g
fast. She was there one minute and dead the next. We struggled for my 9mm, but I never wanted to shoot her
;
I loved her.
When the gun went off in that split second
,
I wanted it to be me. She deserved for it to be me. A nigga
never
got shit right. Me and Meesh were like night and day. She tried her best to help me, but you can’t save a wild
-
ass nigga that don’t want to be saved. Now she was dead. My wife tried to offer me a lifeline
-
and I shot her in the heart
...h
ow the fuck was I goin
g
to explain that to my kids?
“Meesh!” I fell to my knees beside my wife as she lay on the bathroom floor
,
bleeding heavily from her chest. “Meesha! Come on now, Meesh!” My mind began to process what my heart already knew
:
I could yell at her and shake her all I wanted to
...s
he was gone.
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” I brought her lifeless head up to my chest. “What the fuck happened? What did I do? What the fuck just happened?”
I was losing my mind. Meesha was the only woman I ever really loved. It wasn’t like the puppy dog shit I had for Jazz or the infatuation I had with Kitty
;
I loved Meesha in a way that scared the shit out of a nigga like me. I married her. I couldn’t stand the thought of another nigga ever touchin
g
her
,
so I put a ring on her finger
- a
nd I never regretted it. She was good for me when I let her be, but I was like poison to her
, and t
he infection just kept gettin
g
deeper and deeper. Once I got inside her body
,
I wouldn’t let go. She tried to fight me off. She fought with everything she had
,
and when that wasn’t enough
-
she finally gave in
;
I won.
My wife was dead in my arms from a bullet fired by my gun while it was in my hands. I was a real fuckin
g
winner
, and m
y prize was a life without the one person who could have made it meaningful
...
I would have been better off dead.
My daughters stood on the other side of the bathroad.f the bom door
,
screamin
g
and cryin
g
for
M
ommy and
D
addy, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. If I opened that door
,
they would have been traumatized for life. It was the only right thing I think I ever did for them. I should’ve let Meesha leave with them when she tried, but I had to have things the way I wanted them. Fuck everybody else
;
I had to be in charge
...
I had to be Boss. I didn’t even remember who Malcolm Clark was anymore. I got so caught up in believin
g
my own bullshit that I didn’t even know what was real and what was legend. But I was about to find out. Boss was about to see firsthand that all the drugs, all the booze, all the crimes, all murders
,
and all the affairs weren’t goin
g
to go unpunished. My day had come
– and l
osin
g
Meesha was just the start of my downfall.
I called 911
,
for all the good that did me. Meesha was already gone. So was the baby. It was too early. My son wasn’t ready to be separated from his mother
,
so they went together. I was immediately arrested and charged with the murder of my wife and unborn child.
Even worse: t
he law wasn’t hearin
g
that self-defense bullshit. I was a career drug dealer with plenty of arrests on a rap sheet that went back damn near twenty years
...t
hey wanted to nail me bad
-
and they did.
Meesha’s moms got custody of the girls while I got busy servin
g
a life sentence. There was no parole in my future
,
and no future in the days I had left. I thought about Meesh all the time
; h
er face haunted my nightmares every night as I tossed and turned in a pool of my own sweat. I lost a lot of people I cared about
,
but to actually be responsible for one
’
s death was traumatic. I knew I was never goin
g
to forgive myself. Meesha was the love of my life. I wanted to give her everything she wanted, but I couldn’t see that all she really wanted was me. She didn’t give a fuck about the money. She never even drove all the cars
; a
s long as I was breathin
g
and the girls were healthy
,
Meesh was content. That should’ve been more than enough for me, but it wasn’t. I was a greedy nigga. I had to live the
B
oss life. I always wanted more, more money, more women, more anything than I could ever possibly acquire
– and t
hat addiction led me to a dark place that felt too permanent to brush off. My drug was power. I didn’t shoot it or snort it, but I was no better than any other addict on the block. I was no better than Yuk
– and a
dmittin
g
that was truly like admittin
g
defeat. I didn’t give a fuck anymore
;
I didn’t see the point. What did I have left to believe in?
Prison life was a big
-
ass adjustment for me. I stayed in trouble from day one. Another inmate recognized me from the news and started referrin
g
to me as the nigga wit
h
AID
S
who killed his bitch. I ended up breakin’ his nose and jaw and knockin
g
out six of his front teeth. Most I teeth. of my first year was spent in solitary confinement. They thought I was a threat when I was really just a dead man walkin
g
. My insides were rotten. I didn’t give a fuck about bein
g
cut off from the other prisoners
; t
hey didn’t mean shit to me. I was cut off from my
kids
;
t
hat’s
what hurt. Livin
g
everyday knowin
g
that I killed my wife was what burned my flesh at night. The prison doctor gave me an HIV test, but it came back negative. I didn’t care. Everybody around me thought that I was some big
,
excitin
g
mystery
, and t
hey all wanted to solve me. I just wanted to be left the fuck alone. My dark thoughts and recurring nightmares were all the company I could stand.
That day started out fucked up. This bitch
-
ass CO name Leon was on a power trip
-
and lucky me, I was the nigga he wanted to trip with. I didn’t have shit to lose. My life meant nothin
g
to me anymore, but I underestimated how much it still meant to somebody else.
“So you the nigga everybody refers to as
‘
Boss,
’
huh?” Leon stood in front
of
me like he was sizin
g
me up. “You don’t look like no fuckin’ boss.” He attempted to berate me. “Nigga, what the fuck you run?” His big ass bucked at me like we were two bears in the wild. “Not my prison.”
He was one of those
: t
he muthafucka made forty grand a year and thought he was some kind of a Don. I guess the prison was his palace. If he thought I had any interest in runnin
g
that dingy muthafucka
,
he was barkin
g
up the wrong tree. Boss was gone
, and
Malcolm Clark didn’t have any desire to argue with a power
-
hungry buffoon who had no fuckin
g
idea what was really goin
g
on under his nose. He was too arrogant to see clearly. I knew how that felt
...
I
,
too
,
had once suffered with the same affliction.
“Why don’t you turn yo big ass around and go try to intimidate some other nigga
?
” Malcolm Clark had no desire to argue with the clown, but he wasn’t about to be punked by him either. “Whatever you got goin’ on up in this bitch ain’t got shit to do with me.”
“Now
,
nigga
,
that’s where ya wrong.” A sinister smirk quickly spread
across
his already creepy
-
ass face. “This has
everything
to do with you.” He put the key into the lock that opened the door of my cell
, then a
n even bigger nigga appeared at his side. The six
-
foot
-
four
-
inch
,
three hundred pound stranger was there to kill me
;
I didn’t need officer smart
-
ass to tell me that. The door opened with a loud
,
grindin
g
squeak
, then m
y would
-
be murder
er
began to move towards me. He was covered in ld
“Nigga, Ren sends his condolences.” The large stranger dropped a very familiar name. “He was sorry to hear about yo wife.” Biggie chuckled.
I didn’t see a damn thing funny. Meesha’s life wasn’t a joke
, and n
either was her death. I didn’t know what Ren had to do with it
,
and I really didn’t give a fuck. There was a time when I would’ve done anything for that nigga, but that time was long gone. Childish friendships were a thing of the past
; t
he present was all that mattered
-
and in my present I found myself unarmed
,
dodgin
g
swipes from a monster equipped with a shank he proudly created with his own two hands. It was my life or his
– and
I was either goin
g
to kill this big
,
ignorant muthafucka or go out fightin
g...
Chapter 39
Ren
I was only thirteen when I had my first sexual experience
, and
I was only fifteen when I found out I was HIV positive. My first piece of pussy did me in. She was a sexy older bitch with smooth dark skin, cold black hair
,
and matchin
g
cold black eyes. They called her Coco. She was a prostitute
; s
he was also my homeboy’s mother. It only took Mama Clark three minutes to take me where I needed to go. I thought I was in love, but she was just a hoe. She loved any nigga with forty bucks in his pocket. Tuesday was my day. I’d give her two twenties
,
and she
’
d suck my dick until I begged her to stop. The bitch was
a
beast
. She had what I called the three Fs
: s
he was fine
, s
he was fun
,
and she was freaky as a muthaf
uc
ka. She was also sick and didn’t even know it. The night she found out
,
she killed herself and took her secret
with her
to the grave
- and
I
never
would’ve known if I didn’t start to get sick myself.
Two years after Coco’s death
,
I was admitted to Children’s Hospital with a nasty case of the flu
- o
nly it wasn’t really the flu. My mother didn’t believe the doctor when she gave us the news. She had no clue I was fuckin
g; t
hat’s not really something a boy shares with his mother. Moms slapped the dog shit out of me when I told her that I got the disease from a prostitute.
Boss’ mother
was the only woman I’d ever been with
, but she
was a filthy
,
triflin
g
whore. She took my money
,
and in return she gave me a disease I couldn’t get rid of. Somebody had to pay for that
, and s
ince the bitch was already dead
,
I decided that her son
-
the nigga that called his self my friend
-
...
I was goin
g
to take away his whole entire life the same way his hoe ass mama took away mine.
Jazz was my first strike. I tried to fuck the bitch, but she was so stuck on Boss she couldn’t see straight. So I had to rape her. That could have been the end, but she didn’t get sick. I left town for a li
tt
l
e
while to regroup
- but even though m
y mission
was
on pause
,
I didn’t forget about it. My need for revenge
was
what motivated me.
I took my meds every day. I ate right. I even started workin
g
out. I knew one day my time would come
,
and I wanted to be prepared for anything. I fell back and waited patiently for the perfect moment
– and t
hat’s when I found out about Meesha. My li
tt
l
e
cousin Derrick had known her for years
, and h
e was my in. First
,
I paid a
dope fiend
named Yuk to dispose of her
younger
brother
; t
hat hurt her
,
so it also hurt Boss. For a while
,
I was satisfied with that. Then I drove down 21
st
Street one night and saw that nigga laughin
g
it up with some bitch I’d never seen before
; t
hat nigga was tellin
g
jokes while I was strugglin
g
to survive
– and h
is wife was about to pay out the ass for those jokes.
I paid my broke
-
ass cousin Derrick five Gs to get Meesha to Elite that night
,
then slip a
M
ick
ey
into her drink. Once it started to take effect
,
his mission was to get her back to my truck. He came through. When I had her alone in my Excursion
,
I kissed her. I fondled her. Then
,
once my dick got hard enough
,
I raped her
; t
he next day
,
she didn’t remember a thing. When she found out her status
,
she instantly suspected Boss
; a
pparently
,
the bitch was faithful to that hoe
-
ass nigga. When I heard what happened
,
I damn near came all over myself. I couldn’t have planned that shit any better. Boss’ wife tried to shoot him
,
but they struggled
-
and he ended up shootin
g
her instead. The shit was all over the news.
I let that nigga rot in jail for a while, but then I got bored. My auntie’s boyfriend
,
Leon
,
was as crooked as they came
; a
ll I had to do was show him the money. He even agreed to provide the jailhouse hit man. The entire thing took less than five minutes
, and
I got the call when Boss was pronounced dead. I played his life like a chess game
; h
e thought he was controlling the board, but he wasn’t really in control of shit. Boss fell just like any other nigga made of flesh and blood
– and so did his bitch.