Board Stiff (Xanth) (37 page)

“Hov” meant “how,” Kandy thought.

Maddy was astonished. “You find me attractive? I’m nothing but misshapen leftovers with a bad attitude!”

“Yeah,” he agreed blissfully. “Just like me.”

“And so is Frank,” Tiara said, catching on. “To him, you are beautiful.”

“I’ll be bleeped,” Maddy said. “Well, then, let’s try it. I’ve got nothing better to do at the moment. Come here, Frankenstein.”

Frank went to her where she remained propped in the exchange compartment. She caught his head in her hands and pulled him in for a solid kiss. Little hearts flew up.

“I’ll be bleeped,” Mitch echoed. “They’re a match.”

“I think I’ll postpone suicide for a while,” Maddy said. “No one ever liked me before, except for maybe my legs.” She shot a briefly venomous glance at the Doctor. “And I don’t have those any more. So I guess it’s real.” She faced Frank again. “Understand, I’ve got a sharp tongue.” She stuck it out momentarily so he could see the point on it. “You’re going to have to keep me in a tub of water or something, or the lake, except when we’re--” She broke off, for Frank was blushing. He understood her well enough.

“I think now we can replace that sequin,” Mitch said.

“One more moment,” Pewter said. “Mexine, you were correct about our interacting again, and I think it is changing your life more significantly than you anticipated. Your insight into the future facilitated your cooperation with us, which required considerable trust. Your talent may seem vague, but it is genuine. Do you see anything else in our future?”

The former mermaid focused, then nodded. “One of you will be in deadly danger, and another will make a significant sacrifice to save her. But it will end well, I think, maybe.”

“Thank you, Mexine.” Pewter turned to the others. “That is our warning. We must be prepared for danger and sacrifice.”

“As usual,” Mitch muttered.

Then Tiara took the sequin and pinned it to Astrid’s dress.

Chapter 15:

Sacrifice

They were standing at the brink of a monstrous gulf. “This would be the Gap Chasm,” Pewter said. “For centuries it was forgotten, because of a powerful forget spell, but now it is known and in my data bank. It is approximately one mundane mile deep and from three to ten miles across. The dread six legged Gap Dragon dwells in it, steaming prey and consuming it, so we would not care to descend into it.” The machine inspected the area closely. “This would be where the invisible bridge crosses it. Our appearance here can hardly be coincidental; we are meant to cross on that bridge. But we must be careful, because it is also a one way bridge.”

“One way?” Tiara asked.

“It is invisible but solid for a single passage only,” Pewter explained. “It dematerializes behind the last member of a party. So once we start across, we must continue; there will be no turning back.”

“This makes me nervous,” Mitch said.

“Me too,” Tiara said. “Do we really have to tackle it now? All I want is a chance to rest and dry out thoroughly, and hold someone close for a few hours.”

“Oh, yes,” Mitch breathed.

Ease and Astrid exchanged a glance, both clearly wishing they could do the same, but knowing they couldn’t. Kandy understood completely. She would have let them do it, had it been possible, knowing that Astrid did not have any long-term designs on Ease. They simply needed a pleasant break.

“Our schedule is our own,” Pewter said. “We can explore the jungle opposite the chasm, and perhaps find a suitable place to stay the night.”

But the jungle was densely forbidding. “I’ll go first,” Astrid said. She led the way between the trees, peering around and sniffing the air. There turned out to be a winding avenue, not quite aspiring to the status of a path. They followed her, single file.

The avenue widened, becoming a full aisle. But Astrid halted. “Not this one.”

“But it’s pleasant,” Ease protested. “We can follow it readily.”

“It leads to a tangle tree. I can smell it.”

Both Ease and Mitch froze in place, recognizing the danger. But Tiara, who has spent much of her life in an isolated tower, didn’t. “What is a tangle tree? Something that messes up hair?”

Astrid smiled somewhat grimly. “Perhaps I should show you.”

“Caution,” Pewter said.

“I can handle a tangler,” she reminded him. “But do stay clear.” She touched her dark glasses.

Astrid and Tiara followed the nice path, and the others followed at a moderately reasonable distance. It led to handsome tree with hanging green tentacles instead of branches with leaves. The tentacles fell to either side, allowing admittance to a cozy glenlet beside the gnarled trunk of the tree. There were fresh red applets, twin yellow pairs, and other luscious looking fruits on the ground, there for the eating.

“Oh, that’s lovely!” Tiara said. “A perfect place to relax! I’m so tired and hungry!”

As were they all, Kandy thought, except for herself. The last meal they had had had been pea mash, and they had not gorged on that.

“Appearances can be deceptive,” Astrid said. “Stand back, and I will walk under the tangle tree.” She removed her glasses and tucked them into a pocket, careful not to look at Tiara.

Tiara stood back, watching curiously, while Astrid walked to the trunk. She picked up one of the pairs.

And the tentacles came to life. They wrapped around Astrid, hauling her into the air. The trunk cracked open a huge wooden mouth with splinter teeth.

Tiara screamed and fell back. Mitch caught her, reassuringly. “Just watch,” he said. “She knows what’s she’s doing.”

Astrid glared around. Wherever her gaze touched, the green tentacles withered and blistered. The ones holding her were reddening where they touched her flesh. When she looked at the trunk, the wood scorched.

The tangle tree was not stupid. It immediately dropped her and whipped its tentacles clear. It knew a basilisk when it encountered one. It wanted no part of her, literally.

Kandy had tended to forget exactly how deadly Astrid was, because of their friendship and the basilisk’s normal niceness. How would she ever find a man to love her?

Astrid stood for a moment beside the trunk. “Nothing personal, Tangler,” she said. “It is just a demonstration for my friend. No hard feelings?”

The tentacles shivered. Then one dropped to the ground, picked up the remaining pair, and proffered it to her.

Astrid smiled as she replaced her glasses. “Why thank you,” she said, accepting it. “I will be on my way now. With luck we shall not meet again.” She walked away. Not a tentacle moved to stop her.

She rejoined the others and presented the second pair to Tiara. It was of course a pear-shaped fruit, ripe and tasty. “Courtesy of the tangle tree, who is happy to see us on our way.”

“Now I understand,” Tiara said. She waved nervously to the tree. “Thank you, Tangle Tree,” she called.

Several tentacles twitched in response.

“Tangle trees are best avoided,” Mitch said.

“Yes,” Tiara agreed, shuddering. “I won’t forget.”

They backtracked, the girls eating the juicy pairs. Astrid found another almost-path, which led to a small abandoned cemetery. Several plants grew on the graves, their vines curling around the weathered headstones. It was rather peaceful and pretty, in its unkempt way. Kandy wondered who had died there, and been forgotten.

“We’ll bypass this too,” Astrid said. The others were glad to agree.

The jungle thinned into a mixed forest, where trees, brush, turf and rocks had been mixed together like a tossed salad. Then they came to a goblin mound. The goblins were busy going about their business. They were about half normal human height, but made up for it in numbers.

They halted. “Now that is odd,” Pewter said. “The goblins should have been harassing us long since. How could we just walk up to their mound unchallenged?”

“I will inquire,” Astrid said. Again the others waited while she went ahead. Yet again Kandy appreciated the woman’s readiness to risk herself for the benefit of the Quest, though of course for her the risk was small.

Astrid approached a goblin woman who was scrubbing laundry in a tub. Like most female goblins she was lovely, while the males were ugly, with big heads, big feet, and nasty expressions. Their personalities, Kandy knew, matched their appearance: men were brutes, woman were nice. How goblins ever cooperated long enough to make families was a mystery.

“Excuse me,” Astrid said. Kandy could hear her clearly enough. “I am a member of a party passing by in peace. We don’t understand why we are being ignored.”

The gobliness looked up. “It is your good fortune to happen by on election day. My brutish husband is running for chief of the Good Riddance Goblins and can’t be bothered by routine activities such as capturing, cooking, and eating passing strangers.”

“That is good to know,” Astrid said. “We shall try to be gone before the election ends. I am Astrid Basilisk, intending no harm to you. I wonder whether we might make a deal for some food and a place to rest?”

“That is doubtful,” the woman said, glancing around at the working goblins. “I am Glinda Goblin. I was expecting you.” She smiled briefly. “I will have my daughter Glenna sneak you some food, but I think that is all we can safely do at present.”

So it had not been sheer coincidence that put her out here at this time, Kandy realized. But why had she expected them, when they themselves had not known they were coming here?

“We prefer to earn our keep,” Astrid said. “What can we do in return for the food?”

Glinda looked up, not quite meeting Astrid’s gaze. “You’re a basilisk? There might be something. Glenna has a little herb garden she very much values, but she is missing one rare plant, and I won’t let her go into the jungle alone to look for it. It is dangerous out there.”

Astrid nodded understandingly. “What is it?”

“It is called Grave Expectations. One sniff of its bloom and you’re dead. I don’t know why she wants such a nasty plant, but she does.”

“I am familiar with it,” Astrid said. “In fact I know where one is. But I must caution you that despite its deadliness, this is a delicate plant. If we transplant it to your child’s garden it will require a poisonous ambiance for several hours until it safely roots. I would have to stay with it for that period.”

“Do that, and you will have my eternal gratitude,” Glinda said. “I so much want my little girl to be happy, and happiness is not common among goblins. I see that my talent guided me correctly. Take her to the plant.”

“You would trust me with your child? Remember, I’m a--”

“I am a fair judge of character.”

Astrid looked gratified. “Let me meet your child.”

Glinda put two fingers to her mouth and made a piercing whistle. Soon a cute little girl goblet appeared. “Yes, mother dear?” she asked sweetly.

“Hide some good food in your knapsack and go with these folk,” Glinda said. “This is Astrid. She knows where your flower grows.”

“Oooo!” Glenna exclaimed, clapping her hands gleefully. She ran back into the mound.

“Oh, I envy you.” Astrid said.

“You want a human child?”

“Yes, challenging as that may be. I am tired of skulking under rocks and dealing death in my natural form.”

“I wish you well,” Glinda said. It was plain she did not believe Astrid would be able to get a human child.

Glenna returned, wearing her backpack. “This way,” Astrid said. “I can’t take your hand, but stay reasonably close.”

“Why not?”

“Because I am a basilisk. My touch would poison you.”

“Oh. Cool.”

Glinda smiled obscurely as she focused on her washing.

Astrid led Glenna back to the others. “We must return to the graveyard.”

They did not question this. They walked back the way they had come, Glenna skipping along beside them.

“Mommy says this food’s for you,” the child said, taking off her knapsack. It turned out to be filled with cheese & jelly sandwiches, evidently Glenna’s favorite. They thanked her and ate them with gusto.

They came to the grave yard. “Oooo!” Glenna cried, spying the twining plants. She recognized the one she wanted.

Astrid located a pot pie plant and harvested a small metal pot. Then she used her hands to dig out a little Grave Expectations plant and put it in the pot. It seemed a bit unhappy, so she breathed on it and it perked up. Basilisks and grave plants had a long association, and neither hurt the other.

They accompanied Glenna back to the goblin mound. A ferociously ugly goblin came out to meet them. “Election’s over,” he announced. “I won. We’ll bury the losers later. Now how would you intruders like to be cooked?”

“Oh, Daddy,” Glenna said. “You can’t eat these folk. They’re my friends.”

The male swelled up like an inflating balloon. “Yeah, well--”

Glinda came over. “Stifle it, Glower,” she snapped. “I told them they could come. They’re helping Glenna with her garden.”

Glower glowered. He was good at it. “Yeah? Well--”

“And one of them’s a basilisk.”

“I don’t believe it.”

Astrid held the pot in one hand and lifted her glasses with the other. She delivered a glancing glance.

Glower turned green around the edges. “Uh, yeah,” he said, backing off.

“This way,” Glinda said, leading them around the mound to a sheltered area beyond.

There was the little garden. Kandy verified that it was indeed a rare one. She saw an all-purpose flower she knew was harvested to make fruit, grain, greens, and the roots made boot rear. There was an E S Pea that would produce mind-reading vegetables, and a G Pea S that would one day give directions. Also a Pup-Pea that would one day make a pet. An Al-Pine and a Su-Pine tree. Several Butter Fingers growing around the edge.

“Is that an Egg Plant?” Pewter asked, surprised.

“Yes!” Glenna said proudly. “There are very few of those.”

“What’s unusual about an egg plant?” Ease asked. “They’re all around. We love the eggs.”

“This is not an egg plant,” Pewter explained. “It’s an Egg Plant. It’s like the difference between a demon and a Demon. Its eggs will hatch into a number of different creatures, including even a harpy without a mother. There are only three or four of those plants in all Xanth.” He looked at the child. “How did you obtain such a rare specimen?”