Board Stiff (Xanth) (34 page)

Still, Kandy was not completely reassured. This had been a bit too easy. Yet how could it be another trap, since the keepers wanted Ease where he was: in the zoo?

Ease went to the glass house. “Pssst!” he whispered.

The others joined him immediately and silently. Then he went to the closed glass closet. “In case of emergency,” he said, “Break Glass.”

Ease swung the board hard against the glass. Kandy enhanced its impact as it struck. The glass shattered. The clothing was exposed.

They pulled out their clothing and quickly donned it. But the sound had attracted attention. The girl, Timothea appeared before them, glowing to illuminate the house. “What are you up to?” Then she spied Ease. “And what are you doing inside? If you had taken my hand, I’d have clamped it with a grip of steel and held you for admittance.” She was no longer making any secret of her nature or her loyalty: she worked for the keepers.

“I guess I missed my friends,” Ease said.

“You broke the glass. You got your clothing.” Then Timothea’s eyes fixed on the board. “With that board! That thing is dangerous. Well, I’ll just take that now, and keep you out of future mischief.” She reached out her hand, the one that could make a grip of steel.

Astrid stepped in between them. “Leave him alone.”

“Get out of my way, girl, or I’ll throw you out.”

Astrid removed her glasses and stared Timothea in the face.

Timothea rocked back. “Oh, my! You’re a basilisk! Good thing I’m not alive, or I’d be dead by now.”

“Even demons are affected to a degree,” Astrid said. “Now get out of here and leave us alone.” Then, to Tiara: “Take a sequin.”

Tiara looked stricken. “I just realized: Sequins of Events is a pun! And this dress has been out of Pewter’s range. The pun will have melted.”

Now they all looked stricken. She was right. They could no longer use the sequins to jump to new Events.

“What’s this about a sequin?” Timothea demanded.

They ignored her. “We’ll have to find another way,” Mitch said.

“What about the troll?” Ease asked.

“What troll?” Timothea asked.

“Ease, the troll is past history,” Mitch said. “We need to deal with the present crisis.”

“The dress,” Ease said. “It floated down the stream, and the troll got it. Then we used the sequins to go to the next three Events. Why didn’t the virus get it then?”

There was a significant pause.

“Virus?” Timothea asked. “You specimens don’t need to care about that any more.”

“You’re right,” Pewter said. “The dress and sequins were outside my firewall for some time. Yet we used them thereafter. How can that be?”

“Somehow the dress and sequins pun avoided being destroyed,” Mitch said. “Could they have their own firewall?”

“No,” Pewter said. “I would have recognized it.”

“Then how?”

“I think I know,” Astrid said. “Something may be de-punned and still work, like the maze maize. Sequins of Events is a pun, but the sequins are real regardless where they are or how they are named. Putting a sequin on the dress is the signal to bring the next Event, no pun required. So it worked after the troll, and should still work now.”

“Then let’s do it!” Mitch said.

“I think I’d better take that dress,” Timothea said.

“Touch it and I’ll claw you into confetti,” Astrid said.

The demoness was not frightened but angered. She leaped on Astrid, her own claws forming. Astrid hugged her and breathed into her face, setting her back. “Invoke a sequin!” Astrid snapped to the others.

Tiara came to her as the others drew close. Tiara quickly removed then replaced a sequin.

Timothea’s mouth expanded, forming giant pointed teeth. She opened it, ready to bite off Astrid’s face. Astrid grabbed her ears and twisted the head until the neck was a tight knot of fibers and the face was pointed backwards. “Give over, idiot!” she hissed. “You lost. You’re not in the zoo anymore.”

Timothea looked. “Oh, bleep! Where are we?”

“I have no idea,” Astrid said, letting her go. “But I’m sure you can find your way home if you try.”

The demoness’s head spun about until the neck untwisted. “No. I’ll stay and fetch you exhibits back to the zoo. That’s my job.”

“We need to get rid of her,” Tiara muttered. “She’s a nuisance.” She was well aware of the way both men were covertly eying the shapely demoness, whose body remained spectacular.

Kandy prompted Ease. “You’ll stay?” Ease asked. “That’ll be fun. Come here, you luscious creature. I’ve got great ideas for you.” He reached for Timothea.

“Oh for pity’s sake,” the demoness said. “As if I’d ever touch a lout like you except to push your silly face in the mud.” She dissipated into smoke and blew away on the wind.

“Good job, Ease,” Astrid said. “You bluffed her off.”

“Bluff? Shucks, I’d have liked to have her,” Ease said. “At least for five minutes. She’s pretty.” And of course that was his whole definition of a woman: her appearance, however come by. Kandy was disgusted, but also intrigued: she had the necessary looks herself, when she wasn’t a board. Also, she had to recognize that what attracted her to Ease was that he was handsome, goodhearted and manageable. So she wasn’t much better in her own definitions.

“Same thing as a bluff,” Astrid said. “She’d be as bad for you as I am, in a different way. You need a better woman.”

“I need my dream woman,” Ease agreed. “But I see her only in my dreams.”

“Someday she’ll come to you when you’re awake. Have faith.”

“I hope so.”

Kandy wished she could reassure him that she would indeed come to him when she could. But that was the rub: how long would she be stuck with the curse of being a stiff board? So far there had been no hint of any way to escape that.

“Did we accomplish our Event?” Tiara asked. “We didn’t rescue any other exhibits.”

“They weren’t interested,” Ease said. “I queried them. They’re satisfied to be zoo specimens.”

“There must have been something,” Mitch said.

“There was,” Pewter said. “We realized that the Sequins are not pun-powered. That means we can wade into virus territory without all of you staying within the firewall. That could make a difference.”

“It could indeed,” Astrid said. “I am relieved.”

Now they paused to see where they were. It was of course a completely different scene.

Chapter 14:

Storm

Actually it was not a bad scene. It was night, but there was good moonlight so that they could see. They stood in a meadow beside a lake bordered by flowering trees. Above the lake hovered a lone cloud. It seemed quite peaceful.

“Let’s sleep,” Mitch suggested. “We don’t know what the morrow may bring, but I don’t trust it. I want to be fully rested before I tackle it.”

“Sleep,” Pewter said. “I still need to maintain my firewall, though the virus does not seem to be here yet, but I can keep watch.”

“Good enough.” Mitch and Tiara settled down together, while Ease and Astrid lay down a modest distance apart.

Soon Ease slept; he was a quick sleeper. Kandy reverted. “Hello again, friend,” Astrid called softly.

“You handled that demoness well,” Kandy said as she sat up, moving the man’s hand to her leg.

“I’m supposed to be the Quest bodyguard. It was Ease who really got rid of her.”

Kandy laughed. “By threatening to smooch her! That’s ironic. He couldn’t get rid of
me
that way.”

“Or me,” Astrid said sadly. “No offense. I’d like to safely kiss any man, even if all he wanted was my body.”

“And a beautiful body it is.”

“Yours too.”

“We remain sisters in spirit,” Kandy said. “Neither of us can touch Ease or any man. Not in any way that counts.”

“Let’s kiss him,” Astrid said. “Me fleetingly, you lingeringly. So we can pretend.”

“Let’s,” Kandy agreed.

Astrid got up and walked across to them. She took a breath, held it, got down beside Ease, and kissed him momentarily on the mouth. Then she got quickly away before her ambiance could poison him.

Kandy hugged Ease, then kissed him so passionately that he started to wake. She quickly broke it off lest he discover he was kissing a board. She knew that Astrid had made the suggestion not only to tease herself, but to give Kandy reason to do what she wanted to. They truly were friends.

“We just have to hope that the Quest will solve our problems as well as save the puns,” Astrid said.

“We do.”

Pewter came over. “Ready for chess?”

“Always.” Chess was her salvation from boredom.

When morning came, Ease stretched and looked around. When he saw Astrid he paused. “I dreamed you kissed me,” he said.

“Things are possible in dreams that may not be done awake, as we know,” Astrid said. “You may dream what you wish.”

“Then my dream girl kissed me.” He shook his head. “Bleep! I wish she’d come to me in daylight.”

“Then she wouldn’t be your dream girl.”

“She’ll always be my dream girl! I love her.”

Kandy loved hearing that, frustrating as it was.

“I’m sure she loves you too, in her fashion. But it seems she is limited to your dreams.”

Mitch and Tiara, who had no such problems, joined them. “I see there are pie plants and milkweeds here. The virus hasn’t found this spot yet.”

“But it inevitably will, in time,” Pewter said. “If we don’t find the antidote.”

They feasted on pun foods, then considered. “There seems to be nothing threatening here,” Mitch said. “That makes me suspicious.”

“Justified,” Pewter said. “It probably means that we are not seeing the threat, and therefore not taking proper steps to deal with it.”

“Like some dragon sneaking up on us?”

“Astrid would have smelled it and backed it off.”

“I would,” Astrid agreed. “There is no animal threat nearby, and I think no plant threat either.”

“And it seems no virus threat,” Tiara said.

“So why are we here?” Ease asked. “There’s been a reason for each Event so far. Did we draw a blank?”

“That cloud,” Mitch said. “It is floating over the lake, not moving. That’s not normal. This is not the OuterNet Cloud Event.”

Pewter scrutinized the cloud. “Let me check my data banks. Yes—that is no ordinary cloud. That is Fracto.”

“Who?” Tiara asked. “I saw clouds from my tower, but they were not named.”

“Fracto Cumulo Nimbus, the self-styled king of clouds,” Pewter said. “Otherwise known as a developing thunderstorm. This must be where he sleeps when not raining on parades.”

“We’ve run afoul of him before,” Mitch said.

“Oh, yes,” Tiara said. “At Centaur Island. I had forgotten. But that was far from here, I think.”

“Distance doesn’t matter,” Pewter said. “He goes where he wishes.”

“He’s puffing up,” Tiara said. “It’s almost as if he can hear us.”

“He
can
hear us,” Pewter said. “He’s a form of demon. But our Quest is no business of his. Ignore him and he’ll float away.”

“He’s not floating away, he’s expanding. His top is coming to look like an anvil, and his bottom is getting dark gray.”

“Oh, bleep,” Pewter swore. “I forgot that I have to maintain the firewall, and can’t simply make Fracto change his vaporous mind. I was speaking dismissively of him, and he doesn’t like that. Now he’ll rain on us.”

“So who cares about a little rain?” Ease asked. He faced the cloud. “Hey, fog-for-brains! You think a little rain will bother us?”

“That was not wise,” Pewter said.

Not wise at all, Kandy knew. Clouds could get violent when worked up.

“Oh, pooh!” Ease said. “Take that, Fracture!” He made a gesture with one hand.

“Best to ease off, no pun,” Mitch said. “Rain can get heavy.”

“So we’ll take shelter under a tree for half an hour until he blows himself out.”

“I think we had better get away from the lake,” Pewter said.

“Because of a blob of mist?” Ease demanded. “What kind of pantywaists are we?”

This was going too far. Kandy sent a DESIST thought to Ease.

But it was too late. The cloud had burgeoned to cover the whole lake and was now expanding to include the meadow. Swirls of fog formed to make baleful eyes. A cruel crack of a mouth formed. Wind blew out.

It caught them, perfectly aimed. It was a hard, icy blast that almost swept them off their feet. In fact it did catch the dresses of the two women and carried them a short distance back. Mitch quickly caught Tiara’s arm, while Astrid ducked down to make a smaller target.

Kandy’s knothole eyes were not bothered by the wind or rain. She saw that things were falling from the cloud. Animals. It was raining cats and dogs!

No, these were different creatures. They were deer who plainly loved water. She groaned inwardly. Rain Deer. More proof that the pun virus had not reached this area.

“Get under cover,” Pewter said.

“What cover?” Mitch asked. His shirt was coming apart, his hair severely tugged by the wind.

“Or a hole in the ground,” Pewter said. “Anything to get us out of the direct blast.”

They found a depression and huddled down in it, letting the wind pass over them. “But won’t this flood?” Tiara asked.

As if in answer, a sluice of water blasted down on them. Water puddled immediately. Their lower portions were soon soaked.

“But if we try to run elsewhere,” Mitch said, “We’ll be exposed to the full force of the wind.”

“Indeed,” Pewter agreed. “That is why it is better not to aggravate demon clouds.”

“We need shelter of some sort,” Mitch said. “Ah—I see a canopy. That may do it.”

“A what?” Tiara asked.

“It’s a pun,” he said, picking up a sealed can. “Fortunately they still exist here. I will invoke it.” He held the can up before him. “Manifest!”

The can expanded explosively, becoming huge. Kandy could now read lettering on its side. CAN O’ PEA. It was a pun all right.

The top of the can popped up, and green paste welled out. The can was filled with pea mash.

“But what good will this do us in this deluge?” Tiara asked. She was now standing beside Mitch in the lee of the huge can, her dress plastered to her slender torso.

“We can get in it and be sheltered from the wind and rain,” Mitch said. “See, the lid is the canopy.”