Board Stiff (Xanth) (32 page)

“That might save time,” Mitch agreed. “We still have Pewter’s cell phones, so we can stay in touch.”

They did it. Astrid diverged along the next intersection, and Pewter went the opposite way. The remaining three continued straight ahead. When the way forked, Ease took the left fork and Mitch and Tiara took the right fork.

Ease’s passage led to a kind of chamber, a square with a metal plate set in the center. Curious, Ease used the board to pry up the plate. Below was a dark hole, a seeming passage of another kind. Kandy realized that it might be an access to the middle of the maze, so that the farmer would not have to navigate the convolutions in order to bring in fertilizer or water for the corn. The curious thing about it was that the depth of it was a smooth slope, similar to the slide they had found themselves on when they were dumped in the Discard Dungeon of the Cloud. But the surface was not slippery.

Ease dropped the plate back, losing interest, and went on.

“Found something interesting,” Astrid’s voice came, using the cell phone. “A large gate to what looks like a zoo. At least there are animals there.”

“What kind of animals?” Mitch asked.

“Pink elephants.”

Pink elephants? Kandy wondered about that. Elephants of any color were Mundanian animals. That must be a really exotic zoo.

“We do not want to be in a zoo,” Pewter said.

“Because the animals may be unfriendly?”

“Because we could get locked in with them.”

“Oh.”

“But we should at least see it,” Mitch said. “There may be a reason we are near it.”

“I will Halloo,” Astrid said. “So you can find me by sound.”

That was smart of her. Their cell phones did not indicate direction.

HALLOOOO! Astrid called.

The others worked their way to the gate, orienting on that sound. The way seemed almost to open out before Ease, facilitating his progress.

“And it didn’t even spook the animals,” Astrid said, pleased.

Kandy saw words printed on the ground. IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME. Why would such a message be on a corn field? She could make no sense of it.

They gathered before the gate. “Those are not animals,” Pewter said. “They are pictures. Propped up cardboard pictures.”

“Why so they are,” Astrid said, surprised. “That’s why they didn’t spook.”

“Who would such a show be for?” Mitch asked.

“Us,” Pewter said. “We need to get away from here.”

They turned to retreat from the gate. But as they did, two things happened: the gate swung open, and there was a huge crashing in the cornfield.

“Bleep!” Pewter swore.

“What’s the matter?” Tiara asked.

“I recognize the pattern. It’s what I use to bring quarry into my cave. An invisible giant herds them there. That is the sound of an invisible giant. This is a trap.”

“But there’s no smell,” Mitch said.

“Some giants are cleaner than others.”

There was another crash, closer. They saw corn stalks fly outward as from a crushing impact. The giant was approaching.

“Scatter!” Pewter said. “It’s the only way.”

Ease ran to the left and Astrid ran to the right. Pewter, Mitch, and Tiara spread out between them, radiating into the corn field.

But they were too late. There was a crash before Ease, and a foot-shaped section of corn went flat. He had to stop.

The others were being herded similarly. It seemed there was more than one invisible giant. They all had to retreat toward the open gate.

“We don’t want to go in there,” Pewter said.

Then an unseen foot stomped down right behind them, barely missing them. As one, they bolted through the gate.

The gate swung closed behind them.

“Bleep,” Pewter repeated.

“What is going on?” Tiara asked.

“It seems that we have just become zoo specimens,” Mitch answered grimly.

Then Mitch rose into the air, flailing. “Something’s picking me up!” he cried. “And removing my clothes.” Indeed, his clothes detached themselves and floated away.

Then Tiara rose up, screaming. Her clothing too came off and moved away.

“It seems there are several invisible giants processing us,” Pewter said as he too rose up. “They want us to be in what they deem our natural state.”

Astrid and Ease followed. Kandy could see nothing, but at one point felt the surface of a giant invisible hand as it stripped Ease. He automatically gripped the board, and was allowed to keep it. That was a relief; Kandy didn’t want to be separated from the Quest.

Soon all five were standing on the ground again, mutually naked. The giants departed. They could tell by the sounds of their feet, which were no longer crashing down but could not move completely silently.

Tiara was sobbing into Mitch’s shoulder. “What now?” he asked.

“There will be facilities,” Pewter said. “Zoo specimens are normally well treated.”

“But they can’t leave the zoo,” Astrid said.

“Exactly.”

“Aren’t zoo animals for people to look at?” Mitch asked. “I don’t see anyone looking.”

“This is evidently the capture area,” Pewter said. “The display area will be elsewhere.”

“Maybe we can avoid it,” Ease said.

“I doubt it. These appear to be experienced collectors.”

“What now?” Mitch repeated.

“There is a path,” Astrid said. “We should follow it before we get driven along it.”

They followed the path. It led to a simple open house. It was well appointed with a living room, kitchen, bedrooms, and a bathroom. There was food in the pantry, and water in the tap. There were closets, and their clothes were neatly displayed there. It was a serviceable house, except for two things: the closets were locked, and all the rooms had a transparent glass wall in front.

“So not only are we naked,” Astrid said. “We are exposed in the house too. Anything we do here can be seen from outside.”

“That is the nature of a display,” Pewter agreed.

“Display for whom?”

“For them.”

They looked out. Another glass wall had appeared, parallel to the glass face of the house. Behind it was a family of large purple snails with intricately coiled green shells. Their yellow eye stalks were eagerly perusing the all-too-visible contents of the house.

“I have seen nothing like that in Xanth,” Mitch murmured.

“My guess is that they are alien visitors from another planet,” Pewter said.

“You mean we’re an exhibit in an interplanetary zoo?” Tiara asked, horrified anew.

“So it seems,” Pewter said.

“We have to get out of here!”

“I suspect we will have trouble finding food or alternate clothing,” Astrid said. “Let alone escaping the zoo compound.”

“We should at least try,” Tiara said.

Astrid shrugged. “We can explore.”

They left the house. The eye stalks of the snails followed them, curious as to what the exhibits were up to. They followed a path continuing beyond the house. It wound through a copse of neatly kept trees that served as a kind of barrier between exhibits but not between exhibits and the alien viewers.

And there, beyond a formidable wire fence, was a family of dragons. One of them saw the humans and sent a blast of fire-breath their way, but it bounced off the fence. It seemed that one exhibit could not interfere with another.

Meanwhile the snail family lost interest in them and gazed at the dragons, surely a more exciting exhibit. Beyond the dragons they could see another fence, beyond which were centaurs.

“This is one comprehensive zoo,” Mitch remarked.

“And we were fed into it,” Astrid said. “There must be a reason.”

They walked on. The path curved around, leading to a transparent goblin mound where the goblins could be seen wherever they were. “Fresh meat!” one called, and waved one finger at them. They were typically rude goblins, happy to insult anyone in the vicinity. The far side had another glass wall, with insect-like aliens gawking, marveling at the gestures of the local life forms.

The path moved on to an exhibit of harpies perching in a spreading tree. “Go away, you skug rats!” one screeched at their party.

“What is a skug rat?” Tiara asked.

“Anyone they don’t like,” Mitch said.

“But harpies don’t like anyone.”

“There are many skug rats in Xanth,” Astrid said, smiling.

“Also in the universe,” Mitch agreed, glancing at the glass wall beyond the harpy tree, where tentacular aliens gawked.

Ease paused, glancing at a square tile similar to the one he had seen in the maze, then moved on without commenting, because Kandy squelched it. That was another service access, she realized. Now she understood its slide surface beneath: the caretakers might be snails.

The path finally led back to their own house. Their spot tour was complete. “Dragons, goblins, harpies, people: one wing of the zoo,” Mitch said, summing it up. “Each of similar interest.”

“So how do we escape?”

“There may be a way,” Astrid said. “We can discuss it when we have some semblance of privacy.”

They entered the house and made use of its facilities. Tiara was skittish about using the glass toilet in plain view, but had no choice, so closed her eyes. She was in luck: no aliens were watching at the moment.

As night came they chose rooms and beds. Even the blankets were transparent. Kandy was not surprised to see that Tiara chose to sleep separate from Mitch; she simply could not stand to have any interaction between them visible to the universe. Pewter took another bedroom. Astrid chose to share a room with Ease.

Ease, encouraged by Kandy, promptly slept. Kandy appeared.

“If you do not move they should not see you,” Astrid said without looking at her. “They’re not expecting ghosts.”

“Or hear me, I hope,” Kandy said.

“I saw Ease looking at that square manhole cover. That was you?”

“Yes. We saw a similar one in the corn maze. I think they are service accesses. This zoo doesn’t just maintain itself.”

“Would a person fit in one?”

“Yes. But he would have to crawl. It’s designed for snails or something similar.”

“I could do it. I’m used to crawling.”

“You would leave your dress behind?”

“Oh, bleep! I can’t do that. You know why.”

“Yes. Maybe have just one person slip out, and he can find a way to free the others.”

“You are thinking of Ease.”

“Yes. Neither Mitch nor Tiara would go without the other.”

“You have thought it through.”

“I do have time for thinking,” Kandy agreed ruefully.

“Okay, let’s try it. I’ll wake Ease and explain it to him.”

“Do that,” Kandy agreed.

Astrid crossed to the bed and touched Ease’s shoulder. “Wake,” she said quietly.

He woke. “Huh? What do you want?”

“Fear not. I am not getting romantic. I think you should go to that access hole and crawl through it to escape the zoo and find some way to rescue the rest of us. Can you do that?”

“Sure I can do it,” he agreed. “That’s the kind of thing that’s easy for me. I don’t like being in a zoo.”

“Move quietly in the dark so as not to attract attention. With luck they won’t even miss you until morning.”

He nodded, gazing at her faint outline in the dark. “You’re sure it’s not romantic?”

“Ease, I can’t stay close to you without putting you to sleep, and worse beyond that. You know that.”

“Yeah,” he agreed regretfully. “I’ll be on my way, then.”

“Good luck.”

Kandy really appreciated that not only did Astrid politely deflect Ease’s interest, she did it without mentioning her underlying reason: that she was reserving him for Kandy, at such time as Kandy could claim him. Astrid was a true friend.

Ease made his way out of the house and walked to the access panel. He used the board to pry at the square. He lifted it up, then got down into it, sitting on the slide below. There was enough room to sit up, but not enough to stand. He lowered the lid above him. There was a bit of a glow that sowed only when the passage was closed. He put his hands down and scooted into the depths, not at all claustrophobic, keeping the board on his lap.

The surface was not slippery, but neither was it abrasive. Ease was able to move along at a fair clip, considering his position. He continued until he saw another access above. He stopped beneath it, put up his hands, and pushed the lid up and clear. He climbed out and stood on the ground, looking around in the gloom.

“Where am I?” he murmured rhetorically.

There was a high-pitched roar. Something charged toward him.

DRAGON! Kandy thought. That was the sound of the young one.

Ease dived back into the hole and pulled the cover back in place just before the dragon got there. The creature growled in frustration, but did not understand the mechanism of the access hole. It stood on the panel, searching for the prey.

So they had gone from one section of the zoo to another. WE NEED TO GET ALL THE WAY OUT OF THE ZOO, Kandy thought.

“All the way out,” Ease echoed. He scrambled along the tunnel, following it wherever it went. But when he tried another access, it was the goblin section.

Then they heard a sinister sound. Something was moving in the tunnel, sounding like a metal cable scraping through it. The aliens must have realized that something was in there, and were sending a hook or something to fish it out.

GET OUT AT NEXT ACCESS!

Ease obeyed, scooting along at top speed. But the scraping sound was gaining. Then they came to an access. Ease pushed up and jumped out just as something like a metal snake shoved through. He dropped the panel back in place and stood on it, preventing the thing below from emerging.

After a moment and a half the scraping stopped. The thing was retreating whence it came. But that did not mean they were safe. It might mean the aliens were satisfied that they had located the intruder.

RUN!

Ease hardly needed the urging. He ran into the brush, pushing aside stalks.

Stalks? They were in the corn field! That was outside the zoo!

STOP RUNNING. FOLLOW THE MAZE PATHS. HIDE.

Ease, taking this for his own sensible thinking, did so. He found a nook and paused, listening.