Board Stiff (Xanth) (38 page)

“It’s my talent,” Glenna said proudly. “I can find the rarest type of an ordinary thing.”

“I believe it,” Pewter said. “You are a remarkable child who will no doubt grow up to be an extraordinary adult.”

“That’s what mommy says. That’s why she encourages me. Her talent is knowing who can help with something, and when to expect that person.”

That explained a lot, Kandy thought.

And now the garden also had a Grave Expectations plant, that would surely protect it and the goblin mound when it matured. Astrid made a hole in the ground where the child indicated and carefully placed the plant there, breathing on it again. “Remember, I must be close to it for several hours,” she said. “Overnight would be better. Once it roots firmly it will make its own ambiance.”

“Stay,” Glinda said. “All of you. The men will not bother you.” She shot a glance toward Glower that was reminiscent of Astrid’s bare-eyed look. No, the new chief would not be bothering them. He might be ugly, fierce, and tough, but he knew better than to really annoy either his wife or his child.

Seeing the way of it, and buoyed by his political victory, Glower accepted the situation and became almost affable. He brought a keg of hard cider, really hard cider, and they broke off chunks of it to chew. Soon the men and Tiara were happily drunk.

But Pewter and Astrid were not. There would be no funny business, or even moderately humorous business, during the night. Not that anyone was accusing anyone of any such intention. The experience at PLO Village had made them wary.

“In the old days we dropped travelers into the Chasm just to hear them scream,” Glower said. “But then we realized that this was a waste of perfectly good food, so we had to stop. Some folk didn’t want to stop, and unrest was brewing, so the chief of that time, Goodrid Goblin, made a deal with three human Magicians to change things without violence.”

“How’d they do that?” Ease asked, interested. “I mean, I thought goblins didn’t approve of nonviolence.” He bit off another chunk of cider.

“He was a cunning one,” Glower said. “Sometimes cunning is almost as good as violence. First he had to buy the favor of the Magicians. Fortunately our womenfolk can be persuasive. That’s how Glinda and Glenna come by their magic talents: there’s a Magician in their ancestry.”

“Of course,” Tiara said, aware how a lovely gobliness could be persuasive with the help of an accommodation spell.

“The first Magician sent the steamer dragon to clean out the orcs,” Glower continued. “But that didn’t work too well, because then it was the dragon who ate the travelers, instead of the orcs. Meat was still being wasted. The second Magician changed the name of the chasm from Orc to Gap. That still didn’t do it; the gulf was just too tempting. So the third Magician invoked the Forget Spell. That did it. After that no one wanted to admit that they had ever had an Orc Chasm.”

Mitch and Ease laughed. Tiara blushed. The goblin chief had had his little joke.

Glinda hustled Glenna off to bed, and the others settled down near the garden. Astrid lay down next to the Grave plant and slept. This was as good a place to spend the night as any, as no one would be bothering them.

In the morning Pewter tried to educate Glower about the coming menace of the pun virus. “Many of the plants of this garden, and the things you harvest and use, like shoe trees, are likely to be eradicated by the virus. You need to take what precautions you can to store food for the famine.”

“Ah, we’re too busy for that,” Glower said.

“Not necessarily,” Glinda said. “I have heard of this pun virus. Glenna has not worked so hard to plant her garden only to have it wiped out. How can we protect it?”

“We are on a Quest to locate the antidote to the virus,” Pewter said. “But we do not know where it is. We have been wandering, searching for hints.”

“An antidote,” she said thoughtfully. “Could the answer lie in the science of chemistry?”

“You believe in science?” Pewter asked, startled.

“It’s a form of magic, less reliable but useful in its place. But mainly, we know where there is a chemistree, that fruits potion bottles. The Random Factor messed with it a while back, so now they are random potions, but with correct identification they can be used. For example, if a love potion is mixed with a hate elixir, they will neutralize each other and the result is pure neutral water.”

“There is a reference in my data bank. But its location is unknown.”

“Unadvertised,” Glinda said, smiling. “I suspect it is one of the secret resources of the Good Magician. But for this purpose, it might be better to use it. Do you think a mixture of those potions would stop the virus?”

“They might,” Pewter said. “It would not be the same as the anti-virus, but it might protect your garden. A mixture of healing elixir and firewater might mess up the virus.” He looked at the others.

“That’s a valuable garden,” Mitch said. “Saving it might be our purpose in this Event.”

“And it might mean we would not have to cross the Gap Chasm,” Tiara said.

“The tree is too big to move here,” Glinda said. “But we can harvest the bottles, and we might find seeds.”

“Let’s do it,” Ease said.

“Glenna and I will show you the way,” Glinda said.

“But dear--” Glower protested.

“You have your chief-ship to consolidate,” Glinda said firmly. “This will get us out of your way for a day.”

Glower considered, recognizing the convenience of that, and let it be.

They set off, following the woman and the girl. The woman was the size of a human girl, and the girl was half that, but they were sturdy and knew where they were going. It seemed that the chemistree was not far distant.

“And here it is,” Glinda said with a flourish.

They gazed at the tree. It looked like an ordinary fur, with holiday decorations. The glossy pendants were little colored bottles of potions.

“We need to ascertain whether the colors are consistent,” Pewter said. “That is, does red mean love and white mean lethe, or do they vary? I suspect we shall need to check every bottle as we harvest it.”

“I will open and sniff; you classify and record,” Astrid said.

The two of them walked to the tree.

“That leaves the rest of us,” Mitch said. “This promises to be a tedious wait. We can make camp.”

“There is a very nice campsite close by,” Glinda said. “But for some reason no one uses it.”

“Then we’ll be the first,” Ease said. “Where is it?”

“This way.” Glinda walked around the chemistree, Ease, Mitch, and Tiara following. Kandy realized with a start that the men were eying the gobliness’ shapely little form from behind. Every time she thought she was used to the superficiality of men, there was something else.

“Here,” Glinda said. “It is even marked. The Grong Grong.” Indeed, there was a sign saying GRONG GRONG.

“What does that mean, Mommy?” Glenna asked.

“We don’t know, dear. Folklore has it that a passing visitor from Mundania, an Austra-Alien, named it. He did not stay long enough to explain.”

“This seems ideal,” Mitch said. “It is close, there’s a shelter, a river, and pie trees. What more could we ask?”

“We could ask why no one uses it,” Tiara said.

“They probably just don’t know of it,” Ease said. “If the tree is secret, maybe this campsite it secret too.”

“Perhaps,” Glinda said. “But probably it is best to be careful. Stay close to me, Glenna.”

“Awww,” the child said.

Ease went to a fruit tree. “Cherries,” he said, picking several bright red ones.

“Cherry bombs!” Glenna said, delighted.

Ease paused with a cherry at his mouth. He had been about to bite into it. He looked at it more carefully. Then he threw it away. It exploded when it hit the ground, making a puffball of fiery smoke.

“And pineapples!” Glenna said, delighted again. Sure enough, several were growing there, far more explosive than the cherry bombs.

“I am beginning to appreciate why this campsite is not more popular,” Mitch said grimly.

“But the rest looks good,” Ease said, shrugging off his close call with the cherry. “Let’s check out the shelter.”

They went to the pavilion. It offered nice refuge from the elements, and there were piles of hay to rest on. Ease plumped down on a pile. “This is great.”

Something stirred in the hay. Shapes boiled out of it. Kandy was alarmed.

“Nickelpedes!” Glenna exclaimed, delighted a third time.

Ease launched out of the hay, shedding the vicious insects, which were already tangling with his pants, trying to gouge out nickel sized chunks of flesh. He grabbed the board and whacked himself repeatedly, smashing more bugs.

Tiara shuddered. “If I had sat there--”

“Maybe we had better look elsewhere,” Mitch said.

“Let’s check the river,” Ease said determinedly.

They went to the passing river, which obligingly meandered close. Ease dipped a cupped hand into the water to fetch out water to drink.

“Ow!” For two small fish were biting his fingers.

“Piranha fish!” Glenna cried, delighted once more.

“That does it,” Ease said. “This is a bad camping place.”

“A very bad camping place,” Tiara agreed with another shudder.

“Now I remember,” Glinda said. “That’s what Grong Grong means.”

“It’s not an invitation but a warning,” Mitch said. “That’s why others avoid it.”

“We shall vacate the premises,” Glinda said. “I’m sorry I suggested it. I didn’t remember. I should have.”

There was a pie tree growing beside the river, laden with ripe pies. Ease eyed them, then shook his head, deciding not to risk it.

They started to walk back out of it. “Wait,” Glenna said. “There’s something in the grass.”

“It’s just a little lizard,” Ease said.

“No. It’s a salamander.”

“Uh-oh,” Mitch said.

The salamander scooted across the path in front of them. Fire blazed in its trail. It paused a moment as if searching, then started spreading toward them.

They backed up, but the river was close by. They were caught between the fire and the water.

“Why does this smell like a trap?” Ease asked.

“The fire’s not big yet,” Mitch said. “Use your board to beat out a section so we can cross it.”

Ease did that, smashing the flat of the board down on the blaze. Kandy was concerned, but did manage to beat the fire out before it burned her wood. They made a gap and they quickly stepped through it.

“I love my board,” Ease said. “I once longed for a sword, but really this is better. More versatile.”

Kandy saw Mitch and Tiara exchange a quick glance. Ease did not know the half of it.

They crossed a cleared court they had not noticed before. At one end was a pole supporting a metal rim. Below it was a big ball. Ease picked up the ball and bounced it on the ground.

Suddenly a huge dog ran out on the court, growling. He was the size of a small horse. Surprised, Ease hurled the ball at him. The dog caught the ball on his nose, flipped his head, and sent it sailing up in a high arc. It passed through the hoop with a swish. Satisfied, the dog departed.

“Big puppy,” Glenna said, pleased.

Mitch grimaced. “The Hound of the Basketballs,” he said. “You messed with his ball.”

Glenna glanced at the sky. “Dragons,” she said.

“And we can be pretty sure they are more mischief,” Mitch said. “We need to hide.”

They hurried to the side where there was a cluster of cacti. “Careful,” Glinda said. “I recognize that type. Needle cactus.”

“I have heard of it,” Mitch said. “We don’t want to get close.”

But they were hemmed in by the fire, which had reversed course to follow them, the basketball court, and the cactus. Only the spot where they stood seemed safe—until the dragons arrived.

“I can help, maybe,” Glenna said.

“Stay out of it,” Glinda snapped protectively.

“Awww.” Then the child brightened. “But maybe you could do it, Ease. Mommy can’t tell you no.”

“Do what?” Ease asked, eying the approaching dragons.

“Get the ball. Throw it at a cactus. Duck. Everybody duck.”

Ease considered, then nodded. He fetched the ball. The Hound came out again, pursuing the ball as the first dragon swooped in for a strafing run.

“Duck!” Ease cried, and hurled the ball at the cactus. The Hound bounded after it. The ball struck the cactus as the five of them dropped to the ground.

The cactus, enraged, fired off a volley of needles. They passed over the people, but caught the Hound in the rump and the dragon on the snoot. They also popped the ball, which exploded into tatters. The Hound whirled to bite his own needled rear, and the dragon’s stifled fire shot out of its nose, ears, and tail.

It was hard to see the detail from the ground, but Kandy saw enough to get a notion. The Hound thought the dragon had done it, and the dragon thought the Hound had done it. They pounced on each other, chomping tails.

“Now we flee,” Glenna said. “The cactus is out of quills.”

They scrambled up and charged past the cactus. It quivered, but had no more ammunition. They managed to escape the Grong Grong at last.

“That was fun,” Glenna said. Her mother rolled her eyes.

They made their way back to the chemistree. Pewter and Astrid were concluding their survey of potions, and had a bag of bottles. “We can’t be sure these will be effective,” Pewter said. “But if you make a channel around the garden and pour some of each into it, the mixture may discourage the virus.”

“And we found a chemistree seed,” Astrid said, presenting it to Glenna.

“Oooo, cool!”

“It is good that the rest of you got to relax while we worked,” Pewter said.

No one commented.

“I think we don’t want to linger near Grong Grong at night,” Glinda said.

“We don’t!” Tiara agreed.

They returned to the mound by evening. “You will stay the night again,” Glinda said. “Our hospitality may not be much, but I think it is better than the Grong Grong.”

“You were there?” Glower asked. “I thought no one stayed there.”

“Daddy, it was great!” Glenna said. “There was this big dog, and a dragon, and nickelpedes and piranha fish and a salamander and a needle cactus! And we got potions to maybe protect the garden, and a seed from the chemistree. Maybe I’ll get real science in my garden!”