Whether he felt up for commitment or not, something was happening that felt out of his control. For the first time in his life, he cared for a woman. The notion was both exhilarating and terrifying.
After sharing a delicious early dinner, helping with the dishes, taking Quinn for a walk in the park then giving him his bath and tucking him in, Calder couldn’t remember having ever felt more at peace.
“Help me with something,” he said to Pandora when they’d both settled in the living room before a crackling fire.
“Anything.” Her smile warmed him through and through.
“This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out.” He leaned forward where he sat on the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees. “When we met, I operated under the assumption that you were Quinn’s nanny and that was it. I never wanted anything more from life than to win a few battles for the good guys, then party every Friday and Saturday night, but now? I don’t know....” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Feel free to file a lawsuit if this is off base, but...” He looked up to find her staring.
“Yes?” Hands tightly clasped on her lap, she swallowed hard.
“I like you, Pandora.”
After licking her lips, she said, “I like you, too. But I can’t. I mean, I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Would I be out of line asking why?”
Her lips curved into what he could only describe as a haunted smile. As if she’d been in this spot before and wasn’t sure she wanted to proceed.
Only for him, this was a first. He didn’t commit. He acted as irresponsibly as safety allowed, then went on his way. He wasn’t proud of that fact, but that’s what it was—fact. Now he found himself in the uncharted territory of not knowing where he stood, and he didn’t like it.
“Sorry,” he blurted, pushing to his feet. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
She stood, too. And then went to him, shyly easing her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek to his chest. Could she feel, hear, his heart pounding? “I
really
like you, too.”
He exhaled sharply, holding her close.
“But there are things about me—my past—you need to know.”
Part of him wanted to know everything about her. His more rational side told him to back away. He’d never had a girlfriend and he sure as hell wasn’t interested in marriage. Which meant what?
Hands on her upper arms, he pushed her back, just far enough to finally kiss her. He’d almost touched his lips to hers, then suddenly released her to turn away. “Sorry. You’re right. I can’t do this, either.”
Chapter Ten
Tears caught in Pandora’s throat. She hadn’t realized how much she’d craved his kiss until Calder left her standing dazed and confused. A few years from now—six months from now, she’d have Julia back and everything would change.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to spoil your nice night.” Arms crossed, lips pressed tight, he’d become the human equivalent of a moody spring storm.
“Then why the dark look? The one fairly screaming you can’t stand the sight of me?”
“You’re reading too much into this. I’m regrouping. Trying to keep my distance. You know—like an appropriate boss should.” He’d stepped in close again. Close enough for his breath’s heat to tickle her upper lip.
If she leaned in a quarter inch, she’d no longer be fantasizing about kissing him but indulging in the real thing. But was she strong enough to continue her fight for her daughter and also abandon herself to another man, even a nice one like Calder?
Summoning her last shred of courage, she asked, “What if right now I need you to be more than a boss?”
He groaned before framing her face with his hands. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”
The feeling was mutual.
But she’d had enough push-pull. She craved more from this man who’d roared into her life as unexpectedly as a runaway freighter. Meeting him, falling for him, was a game changer. What she felt for him had no rules. Maybe he could even help her in her custody battle.
When Pandora touched her lips to Calder’s, she closed her eyes. When he met her kiss with exquisite pressure, she could’ve wept from dizzying relief. Her whole life up to this moment felt like a spinning coin that had only just settled. Pulse racing, she pressed her hands to Calder’s chest, surprised to find his heart racing, too.
He deepened the kiss, sweeping her tongue with his.
She fisted his shirt, holding on for all she was worth.
“Damn....” he said when they stopped for air.
When he released her, she was caught off balance, but he was right there, hands on her arms to steady her and provide balance—only what he had no way of knowing was how much more support he’d unwittingly provided. Since taking this job, everything felt shiny and new. Dreams she’d never thought possible, such as living in a real house and finally regaining custody of her daughter and now, maybe even forming a relationship with a man who didn’t hit or yell—all of it was coming true.
Her conscience wouldn’t allow her to risk losing it all on a technicality, so she blurted, “I want—
need—
you to know, I used to be an alcoholic. My dad physically abused my mother and I followed the same cycle. One night I left our car’s lights on and when the battery died, my husband hit me so hard I spent three days in a coma. I got better and h-he went to prison, but back then, I was all messed up. Making my own living was h-hard and booze made me forget the constant, nagging pressures of medical bills and making rent. Liquor was my only friend. I made horrible choices—did things I’ll always regret. But I’m better now. You have to know that with every breath of my being, I want this recovery—this amazing new life to work.”
He terrified her by taking a step back. “How long since your last drink?”
“Three years.” She needed to tell him about Julia, too, but for her daughter the stakes were too high. Of all her many secrets, Julia was the one she held most dear. As much as she’d grown to adore Quinn and his father, losing them would at least be survivable. To permanently lose custody of Julia was unimaginable. “For that, I alternate between being ashamed and proud. I worked hard to become the woman I am today. Even if you don’t approve, I—”
Throughout her speech, she’d managed to hold her tears at bay, but when he stepped toward her, wrapping his strong arms around her, his support was more than she could take.
She broke down—hard.
He held her till she calmed, but then he asked gently, “Are you in AA?”
“Yes—I just haven’t felt like I needed regular meetings in a while.”
“Does Natalie know?”
Pandora nodded. “I credit her—and a few other people—for saving me. She gave me a second chance and I won’t let her down. I did janitorial duties in her day care for a year before she ever let me work with children. Two more years of part-time day care and after-school care before she’d let me even think of applying for a job like yours.”
He released a long, slow exhale. “I don’t know what to say. On the one hand, you’ve been amazing with Quinn, on the other...”
“I know.” Head bowed, she covered her face with her hands. “But if this—whatever it is—between us hadn’t developed, none of what I just shared would matter. Even though she’s my friend, Natalie drops by at least once a week to check on me. When I tell you I’m never going back to my old way of life, I mean it. There’s truth to the adage of being
scared straight.
I’m living proof.”
“I appreciate that.” He wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “But you have to understand this news is—well, let’s just say I had my suspicions about you having been abused, but the rest...”
“If you want me to leave, I will.” She raised her chin. For as long as she could remember, she’d considered herself a victim, but no more. She’d made grave errors in judgment, but she refused to live the rest of her life being dictated by them.
After waiting for what felt like forever, with no sounds in the house other than the fire’s occasional crackle, he finally slipped his arms around her again. Kissed the crown of her head. “Considering the way my own son entered my life, I’m the last one who should be judging.”
Her limbs turned quivery with relief. “Thank you.”
He tipped her head back, forcing her to meet his gaze. “I should be thanking you. You’ve made me rethink the whole family thing.”
“Yeah?” Through happy tears, she smiled.
“Yeah. With you,” he teased, kissing the tip of her nose, “it might not be so bad.”
*
“H
OW
’
S
IT
going with the nanny?”
“Huh?” Calder had been so deep in thought over that very subject, he’d forgotten Mason was even in the car. Since it was raining, and Pandora told him she and Quinn had nowhere to go, he’d taken the SUV over his bike. He and Mason were now on their way to lunch. Though it’d been almost a week since Pandora’s confession, and life with her and Quinn was growing almost idyllic, he still couldn’t get her former addiction out of his head.
“The nanny? Please tell me you had a hot homecoming. Mine sucked.” He made a gagging sound. “Heath left the bologna and mayo out on the counter. Smelled like a rotting corpse.”
Not sure he was up for sharing, Calder shrugged. “Mine was good.” And by good, he meant over-the-top awesome. Pandora had cleared away the balloons, but the banner still hung. Every time he passed beneath it, the paper clipped his head. But he wasn’t complaining. The notion that someone besides his parents had been glad to see him safely home still filled him with quiet awe.
“Yeah? The nanny do anything special for you? Make her meat loaf, then serve it wearing nothing but an apron and her glasses?”
Stopped for a light, Calder shot a sideways glare at his gutter-minded friend. “Remember the speech we had a while back about respecting the nanny?”
“Sure, but you’ve gotta let me have a little fun. Hell, if you aren’t dating her, maybe me or even Cooper might want a go?”
“She’s taken.” Calder hit the gas too hard when the light changed.
“I’m crushed.” Hands mockingly over his heart, Mason angled sideways on his seat. “How long you been keeping this from me?”
“Not long. And nothing’s official. But I kissed her. But then...” He shook his head. “Things got complicated.”
“Bad in bed?”
“Seriously?” His so-called friend had earned another glare.
“What? I’m on a dry spell. Since we got back, sex is pretty much the only thing on my mind.”
“TMI, man.” Calder shook his head. “Pandora told me she’s a recovering alcoholic.”
“And?”
Stopped for another light keeping them from reaching their favorite Chinese buffet, Calder asked, “You don’t think that’s a big deal?”
“Well, sure, but have you seen her drink?”
“No.”
“Then what’s the problem? I mean, I don’t want to downplay that it’s serious, but my old man took a bad spell when I was a kid. My mom passed, and—” as if remembering a time he’d rather forget, Mason glanced out the window “—let’s just say we both had a rough time of it. My grandparents stepped in, convinced him to get help, and he hasn’t had a drink since. He’s everything I could hope for in a dad.”
“That’s a relief.” Calder loosened the death grip he’d had on the wheel. “Pandora’s amazing, but alcoholism is one of those things you hear about on TV, but unless you have firsthand experience...” He pulled into the restaurant’s lot. “I just wasn’t sure what to think.”
“My advice?” Mason unlatched his seatbelt. “Relax and enjoy the ride.”
*
“I
DON
’
T
KNOW
what to bring.” Wednesday night, Pandora stared at the meager contents of her closet, then looked to Quinn and his father. Calder sat at the foot of her bed with the baby on his lap. Despite their heated first kiss, by mutual agreement they’d opted to take things slow.
It was a seven-hour drive to the resort where they were meeting his family, so he’d taken Friday off, as well as the entire next week. To say she found the prospect of spending all that time with him exciting was the understatement of the decade.
Calder asked, “When’s the last time you went shopping?”
“Can’t remember. I get most everything from thrift stores. There are some really great bargains, you just have to look at it like a treasure hunt.”
“While we applaud your frugality—” he clapped Quinn’s hands “—once we load this guy’s twenty pounds of traveling gear, if you want, we can make it to the mall in time to grab you a few things for this fancy resort.”
“No.” A familiar knot seized her stomach. “What I have will do.”
“I didn’t say what you have wouldn’t be fine, I said let’s go play. I thought chicks love that sort of thing.”
“I’d rather save money.” Was now the time to tell him about Julia? How part of her case file required her to be gainfully employed with the same company for a year, and how she also had to provide a stable housing environment for Julia and prove she’d been there for six months? It took not only time for all this but money. Yes, if she maintained her current course, all was well. If not, she’d once again be in trouble with the courts.
“What do you need to stockpile cash for? I’m not complaining, but the fee the agency charges for your services isn’t cheap. You probably have more money than I do.”
“I have legal fees, all right?” She hated that her tone grew defensive, but when backed into a corner, she fought.
His pinched expression led to him scratching his head. “I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to pry, but what are you paying a lawyer for?”
Heart pounding scary hard, Pandora had trouble finding her next breath. She didn’t want to tell Calder about Julia. Not yet. Not like this. But if not now, when?
“Hey...” He set squirming Quinn on the floor, then took her hands in his. “Talk to me. You’re white as a ghost.”
“I need the money to get my child back, all right? Her name’s Julia and I was a textbook example of a lousy parent. I showed up drunk at my first custody hearing. My second, I got so mad I cursed at the judge. I—I—” she covered her face with her hands “—I’m humiliated by the person I used to be. That Saturday you wondered where I was going? I went to one of my monthly supervised visits. In January, assuming I stay on my present course, they move up to bimonthly. So see? I need every dime I make to get my daughter back.” Her throat ached from tears, but she forced herself to be calm. She wasn’t the same woman who’d lost her cool in court. “I’ve been to AA, to anger-management classes and parenting classes and even a financial course to help me make a proper weekly budget. I’m so ready to put all this knowledge to good use. All I need is my child.”
Calder had long since released her. His supportive expression had darkened to pressed lips and narrowed eyes. “So in the meantime, you’re practicing on mine?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then why hide this from me?” He turned his back on her to stare out the window.
“It wasn’t relevant.”
“Not relevant that here you are, caring for my kid, when you lost your own? What was Natalie thinking even hiring you?”
No longer able to hold back tears, Pandora dashed toward the bathroom for tissues, and in the process nearly tripped over Quinn, who she’d forgotten was crawling on the floor.
The startled infant cried.
She lifted him for a comforting hug, but Calder took his son. “I’m going to need time to process this.”
“Please, Calder...” She tried holding his hand, but he pulled away. “Please give me a second chance. Going to jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. It scared me straight. I promise, I—”
“You’ve been to jail?” He laughed without a trace of humor. “This just keeps getting better. My gut instincts were right about there being something
off
with you. I just didn’t know to what degree.”
This couldn’t be happening.
As if time had dulled to slow motion, Pandora all but fell onto the foot of her bed. She was aware of tears wetting her face, but lacked the strength to do anything but let them fall.
“I’m, ah, going to take Quinn for a ride.” The baby had quieted in his father’s arms. “We’ll be gone for about an hour. I’d appreciate you packing your things and being gone when we return.”
“Calder?” With her eyes she begged him to at least look her way, but his only action was to leave the room.
*
S
INCE
P
ANDORA
HAD
already packed Quinn’s diaper bag for their morning drive, Calder suddenly decided to turn toward the interstate that led to the resort his mom and Harold were staying at. He’d experienced pain, but nothing like this. He felt humiliated and embarrassed, yet at the same time a crushing sense of loss for the woman Pandora had spent so much time portraying.